To be proud of being and wife and to want to be acknowledged as such?

[WriterofDreams]

I've read quite a few posts on MN from people who are annoyed, and quite rightly so, at being called "Mrs" when they're actually a Ms or Dr or some other title. I've actually found I have the opposite problem, where companies send me correspondence with the title "Ms" even though I put Mrs on any forms or letters I send. It also quite annoys me when I introduce my DH as my husband and people persist in calling him my partner. I chose to get married and being a wife is an important part of my identity that I would like to have acknowledged. I like being "Mrs DH's name" although I do draw the line at being called "Mrs Dh's first name Dh's second name," as I haven't actually changed my first name at all.

AIBU to expect companies and professionals to use the title I've actually selected rather than the PC catch-all one?

Is your DP equally as proud in being a husband? Has he changed his name, is it obvious to all just by how he is addressed in order that he can display his pride? Thought not.

But Annie, don't you think that for the OP, marriage is more than that? It is for me. The word "marriage", for me, encompasses far more than just the legalities.

husbands are partners. just a particular type of partner

Haven't read the whole thread, but FFS - haven't you got anything important to worry about?

The fact that I am married is really of no interest or relevance to anyone other than me and my husband! I do call myself mrs dh's name, not least because I disliked my maiden name and don't especially like the sound of 'ms'. But to be offended if someone addresses me as ms dh's name??? Really? I couldn't give a toss!

Oh, and my husband is my life partner. I don't see how talking about partners is somehow offensive to married women?

There is no way I'm wading through the whole of this thread, but as I'm one of those annoying people who objects to not being called 'Ms': I agree with the OP.

It is plain rude for people to ignore the OP's choice of title, and she should object. Maybe if more people objected and explained it as she does in her OP, companies would realize that the important issue is respect for women's choices, not some arbitrary rule.

FWIW, I'm proud to be married to my DH. And I know he is proud to be married to me.

Ok ... now I have waded through most of this thread. Tba, I'm fairly ashamed to be a MN feminist on the basis of some posts. I don't understand why the superior, mocking tone seems necessary?

I am a 'Ms', and I think it is absurd that women are given titles and names according to their marital status when men are not.

I am very proud of being my DH's wife.

He and I are religious, and for us marriage does not only mean a legal ceremony. I do feel I achieved certain things before I married, and I know that if he and I had not achieved those things, we would not have married. For me, the central issue was that we must relate to each other as loved equals and vulnerable imperfect people who would care for each other. It would not have counted as a marriage ot us, if we had only wanted economic security or legal parity.
I do feel that being a wife - as I understand that within my faith - is not just a title or a status, but also an ideal I try to fulfill. I don't see why that ideal is antifeminist.

Writer- the reason that so many people don't agree with your view that you should be proud to call yourself Mrs because you are proud of the quality of your relationship with your DH, is because the title Mrs or definition wife does not necessarily denote a happy marriage. You can annoy the neighbours each night with hours of screaming rows and still call yourself Mrs.

To the outside world the title Mrs does not have the significance you give it.

So you are left with the fact that by using Mrs you are telling the rest of the world that you define your own identity largely by reference to another person. But the rest of the world has no idea whether that other person is the most fabulous guy or the world's biggest prick. And because the world is not bothered to find out, all they see is that you are eager to define yourself by reference to someone, anyone else. This is reflected in the way you have described it yourself "I am proud to call myself a wife". Not specifically the wife of a fabulous guy, just the fact you have bagged a man.

As a lazy person who has not read the thread (and thus responses can just be addressed to Lazy Person).

I just can't see why it is worth any energy at all getting worked up about this.

I use Ms as standard and have retained my maiden name, but sometimes I get Mrs DH's Name, sometimes I get Mrs MaidenName, sometimes I get Miss.

Does it matter? Really?

I am not married but have a child with my BOYFRIEND (I think at our age, I'll reclaim that title - partner is so grown up, dontcha think? ;) )of 11 or a bit more years...

Officially I am Ms my surname, in practice at work I am "Miiissss", or first name depending on whether or not the person addressing me is over the age of 11, and often Mrs my surname ,which would mean my mum, or my dad's mum, techinically.

Not bothered really.

I like it when people call my other half/bloke/significant other/gentleman caller/boyfriend/partner/irritant/whatever Mr my surname though!

And I can spell "technically".

"I'm divorced BTW and still known as Mrs Zukiecat."

Now that I can't begin to understand!

it annoys me to when i put mrs on forms for the company the call me miss! i also get dh called as partner, he's my husband and when at these things i'm always know as wife not partner!
yanbu

I feel uncomfortable with the term partner. I have a business partner at work and a husband at home.

I tend to refer to peoples partners as their other halves rather than partners.

scottish always drinking mummy
Research says you're wrong, people are likely to stay together longer if they're married. Some conclude that that is because a man shows more commitment if he's married, I tend to agree with this.

If it's only words on a page why do you reduce nearly everyone of your posts to stupid little insults?

I would agree when people say this isn't a huge thing to worry about. What interests me is the tone of many of the responses. Quite a few people mentioned "wee wifey," thus deriding the role of being a wife and suggesting it is somehow pathetic or demeaning. I think it's a shame that people feel that way, that they would look down on me for being a "wee wifey" and being happy about it. I think that's quite an anti-feminist point of view in the sense that because men can and do take advantage of the role of wife and turn it into something oppressive many people have turned against it completely and see it as meaningless. Isn't it better to reclaim the role for women and say that it can be something good and positive and something to genuinely be proud of?

For me the fact that I am a wife means that I have successfully created my own family, where I am loved and valued. I depend on my husband and my husband depends on me, and my identity is tied up with him because we are part of one unit that works together. I feel that's the way a good marriage should be. People's desperation not to depend on others and to maintain independence at all costs is what contributes to the breakdown of many relationships IMO. Part of the scariness and joy of a truly strong marriage is really opening yourself up to another person and allowing them to become part of you. The potential to get hurt is huge, but the rewards are worth it.

BTW I never said I was offended by companies calling me "Ms," or calling my husband my partner. What I said was once I tell a company or person my title I wish they would use it. It does annoy me when people don't read the OP properly and then respond to a post that doesn't even exist. It's silly and lazy IMO

I have the opposite problem. I'm a 'Miss' and hate being called 'Mrs'. I'm proud of the fact I kicked my fiance out the door when he cheated on me, therefore I'm proud of still being a 'Miss'. My acheivement is reasing DS alone whilst working f/t and doing uni degree.

I think you're right OP about people not calling you your name as requested. Still agree with posters who don't see why a separate title should exist for married women when it doesn't for married men though.

YANBU sadly most people have lost all value in decency and the sanctity of marriage,

Writer....seems to me if it's only a piece of paper for most then why not marry, especially as you are better protected legally and pay no inheritance tax. I still feel uncomfortable with the word pride but if you want to be called Mrs you are well within your rights to insist.

"I think that's quite an anti-feminist point of view in the sense that because men can and do take advantage of the role of wife and turn it into something oppressive many people have turned against it completely and see it as meaningless. Isn't it better to reclaim the role for women and say that it can be something good and positive and something to genuinely be proud of?"

That's as dodgy a bit of logic as I've come across on here.

So we should all be happy be happy to lap-dance/feature in porn/[fill the blank with anything] because it's a role for women that is oppressive?

Agree with you Posie. A lot of posters seem to be under the impression that marriage is just a peice of paper so why bother? They are woefully missinformed. I did post this earlier but was ignored. Am going to repeaat myself because it is actually worrying that many posters actually have no idea that if they are married they would have so many rights/legal protections that an unmarried woman does not have.

One small example is the "Next of kin" thing. If your "partner" who you may have lived with for 10 years, and have DC with, is seriously ill in hospital, an unmarried woman is not their next of kin. The hospital would phone his parents who have the legal right to decide what treatment he recieves. There are many other examples, marriage is not "just" a piece of paper. Posters who aren't married, but live with a partner, please see a soliciter and sort your legal position out.

Personally I would rather visit a registry office and make a nice day of it.

Helen I think you missed my point. Lap dancing and porn acting are jobs designed to give men pleasure. As such, apart from financial gain, they give women very little benefit. I don't therefore think women should be happy to do those jobs, though if that's honestly their free choice then good luck them. Being a wife has positive benefits for the woman as well as the man. It's a fulfilling role that brings a lot of happiness to a lot of people (see the lovely thread in relationships where people praise their marriages). Wives are no longer there simply to gain financial support or to serve their husbands, it's a role women freely choose. So why not view it positively rather than hanging on to the outdated "wee wifey" image? Why look down on someone who is happy to be a wife? Equally if you looked down upon and judged a lap dancer I wouldn't consider that a positive feminist attitude. It's not our place to judge other women for the choices they make, even if those choices seem to benefit men.