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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be proud of being and wife and to want to be acknowledged as such?

945 replies

WriterofDreams · 01/02/2011 12:41

I've read quite a few posts on MN from people who are annoyed, and quite rightly so, at being called "Mrs" when they're actually a Ms or Dr or some other title. I've actually found I have the opposite problem, where companies send me correspondence with the title "Ms" even though I put Mrs on any forms or letters I send. It also quite annoys me when I introduce my DH as my husband and people persist in calling him my partner. I chose to get married and being a wife is an important part of my identity that I would like to have acknowledged. I like being "Mrs DH's name" although I do draw the line at being called "Mrs Dh's first name Dh's second name," as I haven't actually changed my first name at all.

AIBU to expect companies and professionals to use the title I've actually selected rather than the PC catch-all one?

OP posts:
QuickLookBusy · 01/02/2011 15:40

Yes maybe it's an idea to get rid of titles. But as they are still used at the present time-who has the right to tell anyone else that their chice of what to call themselves is wrong. Its bloody arrogant to do this.

ThisIsANiceCage · 01/02/2011 15:41

PMSL at the assumptions on this thread. My mother is proud of being a Mrs, and of people thinking she's married.

Small snag. She's not.

She disposed of her husband to pursue her other interests. But woebetide anyone who doesn't address her as Mrs ExH.

What name she gives when booking hotels with Mr Boyfriend, I have no idea.

Mists · 01/02/2011 15:41

"Proud" does have negative connotations or at least it used to. I remember DD coming home with a classic story book for children in which a character was "very pwoud" with his nose in the air Grin

It must just be one of those words which have many meanings, all of them dependent upon context. Hence this lively discussion Smile

thewook · 01/02/2011 15:42

I see Maisie is yet to find a personal insult...

WriterofDreams I'm still trying to work out your point- you love dh, great for you. Other people also have loving relationships, married or unmarried- relationships seem to happen to most people. You admire your dh- great! I hope he admires you too. You value your achievements as a wife and mother above others- good for you. You love being called Mrs and are proud of being married- ?????????

Capreece · 01/02/2011 15:42

[quote]Proud of being a wife, seriously??? Don't get it, why are you? What special skills does it take? W[/quote]

Patience.

Seriously though, no need to look so disparagingly on someone because they're proud of their life choices. Fine, so you don't value being a wife the same way. I'm not Hindu and have no desire to be, but I can understand that it's part of someone's identity. Why do you need to question how she feels about marriage - noone asked you to act the same way?

lifeinlimbo · 01/02/2011 15:42

OP, why dont you jut wave your ring around extra hard?

Me, me, LOOK, Ive got a RING !!!

Then everyone can bow to you and call you "oh great man-catcher" like you deserve. I agree its only fair.

Original poster
WriterofDreams · 01/02/2011 15:42

Again that's been answered roland, read the thread please.

OP posts:
Megatron · 01/02/2011 15:43

There's nothing wrong with being proud of any achievement, but I don't personally see being married as an achievement. My degree felt like an achievement, my childrens achievements are theirs not mine, making a Lego Star Wars tie fighter all by myself was a massive achievement Grin. Proud is OK. Smug, not so much.

rolandweary · 01/02/2011 15:44

I can't be arsed, it's too long Grin

QuickLookBusy · 01/02/2011 15:45

Was just going to say the same Thisis. I have several divorced friends who still call themselves Mrs ExH name. They choose to do this as it has been their name for 20 odd years and it is the name of their DC, and they want to keep that link.

Original poster
WriterofDreams · 01/02/2011 15:48

My point is epitomised by lifeinlimbo, wook. I'm not allowed to be proud of being a wife apparently, as it only indicates that I'm a man-catcher. If all being a wife required was being a man-catcher then there would be no failed marriages IMO. The fact that people mock me for the fact that I'm happy about and proud of one of the best and most important things in my life indicates to me that people seem to see marriage as meaningless or pointless in some way.

OP posts:
ViolaTricolor · 01/02/2011 15:48

Megatron, that is a mighty achievement. Are you gutted when the plumber fails to pay due homage to it?

StuffingGoldBrass · 01/02/2011 15:54

WoD, marriage is simply irrelevant to some people. They've got more interesting things to do or think about. If someone's the All-England Scrabble champion or makes the best chocolate cake in the village, or has just rebuilt a vintage Bentley all by themselves than I'm sure that's jolly nice for them and they're entitled to feel proud of it, but if I'm delivering their post, serving them in a restaurant or taking their hotel reservation, I don't need to know and I don't care.

ThisIsANiceCage · 01/02/2011 15:55

Keeping their children's surname, perfectly sensible. Indignantly insisting on Mrs, seriously weird.

I can understand a widow making a statement of loyalty and devotion, but for someone who has not just divorced but annulled their marriage? WTF?

LeQueen · 01/02/2011 15:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 01/02/2011 15:56

Again Writer I ask you...is your husband proud also? and if so, then is he annoyed that nobody knows of his achievement due to his title of Mr?

StuffingGoldBrass · 01/02/2011 15:57

Similarly, I suppose, people who make a huge big deal of having children. Not eveyrone wants children. Some people are more interested in doing something else with their lives. If you have had your DC after a long struggle, fertility treatment etc I can appreciate that it's a big deal to you and if you are a close friend I would be happy for you and happy to hear all about it. But (again) strangers don't need to know whether you have DC or not, and other people certainly don't need to be told that if they are not interested, they must be jealous.

greatauntbetty · 01/02/2011 16:00

eldritch at least am not the only one! I always though feminism was supposed to be about choice. So if you want to be called Mrs/Ms/Miss/etc you can be.

I do appreciate that the Miss/Mrs thing does differentiate women in a way that Mr does not for men, but tbo I think there is a certain presumption (certainly among older people) about the meaning of the term Ms as well.

writer marriage is a tricky subject and although some view it as being the pinnacle of their relationship and something to be shouted from the rooftops, others see it as being about ownership and only used to ensure financial arrangements are OK for death/divorce. Its not on the whole that they are judging you, just that they disagree with your views.

PigletJohn · 01/02/2011 16:01

WoD, I find it disappointing there there are people here who don't think you have the right to be called whatever you want.

Luckily you do not need their permission.

Hullygully · 01/02/2011 16:01

Oh Wimple, asketh not for logic and sense. Writer speaks of dreamy dreamy love, she floateth on a love cloud and knoweth not of what you speak.

LeQueen · 01/02/2011 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Witchofthenorth · 01/02/2011 16:03

Sigh........I think I should go now, must sort out what to make for dinner before my owner gets home Wink.

Amazed at how worked up this has got some people, oh well, back to being oppressed

MRS witchofthenorth :)

Original poster
WriterofDreams · 01/02/2011 16:03

I like your version of me hullygully :)

OP posts:
Hullygully · 01/02/2011 16:04

Ok. Let us be clear:

Feminism is about Equal Rights for Women. For women to be treated and regarded on equal terms as men.

The term "Mrs" denotes possession. You may wish to deny this, but it is the fact and the truth and the historical derivation and provenance.

Ergo "Mrs" or "Miss" are not terms compatible with equality.

Ergo those of us who do not wish to subscribe to the practice associated with being a second class citizen, use "Ms."

Hullygully · 01/02/2011 16:06

None of which means that it isn't nice that Writer is all loved up.