Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be proud of being and wife and to want to be acknowledged as such?

945 replies

WriterofDreams · 01/02/2011 12:41

I've read quite a few posts on MN from people who are annoyed, and quite rightly so, at being called "Mrs" when they're actually a Ms or Dr or some other title. I've actually found I have the opposite problem, where companies send me correspondence with the title "Ms" even though I put Mrs on any forms or letters I send. It also quite annoys me when I introduce my DH as my husband and people persist in calling him my partner. I chose to get married and being a wife is an important part of my identity that I would like to have acknowledged. I like being "Mrs DH's name" although I do draw the line at being called "Mrs Dh's first name Dh's second name," as I haven't actually changed my first name at all.

AIBU to expect companies and professionals to use the title I've actually selected rather than the PC catch-all one?

OP posts:
Original poster
WriterofDreams · 01/02/2011 15:24

I think attitudes like that Quick reflect how in some respects feminism has thrown the baby out with the bathwater. I totally agree that men seeing their wives as skivvies and possessions is wrong, what woman wouldn't? But there's no point in then completely devaluing marriage and denigrating women who are happy to be married and to be called Mrs just because that title can and once did signify oppression. Surely we've moved on enough to recognise that it's ok to like and enjoy being married without it automatically meaning you're downtrodden or somehow silly and brainless?

OP posts:
QuickLookBusy · 01/02/2011 15:24

God I don't know Swan! I type too slowGrin

swanandduck · 01/02/2011 15:24

greataunt

I think you are referring to another person's post as well (with which I agreed).

AnnieLobeseder · 01/02/2011 15:25

Nikon - my objection to Mrs and Miss being used by women is that it is oppressive to womenkind, perpeptuting the idea that we are not truly women until a man has claimed us for his own. The terms are damaging the cause of gender equality. So I don't see it as a harmless preference on your part, I'm afraid.

ViolaTricolor · 01/02/2011 15:26

The point is that Ms is not making any assumptions. In defaulting to Miss or Mrs, or asking the question with only those two options, you are stating that you believe that a person's marital status is relevant to, e.g., the acquisition of a cinema membership card. I am yet to be convinced of that, though do try. I can't help thinking that if it were relevant, they would ask men.

I'm massively in favour of scrapping all titles. I am a Dr at work because I don't really have any choice in the matter, but I can't quite bear to use it outside work as it makes me cringe to behave as if my education needs announcing. Same deal with marital status.

Original poster
WriterofDreams · 01/02/2011 15:27

I see what you mean swan, you have a point. I suppose I should say that it's just as hard or just as valid an achievement. I don't mean to devalue other achievements I suppose I was overstating things as people were saying it wasn't an achievement at all.

OP posts:
PigletJohn · 01/02/2011 15:28

I'm finding it weird that people are criticised for saying how they wish to be addressed.

Why isn't is a person's right to be addressed in the way they choose?

swanandduck · 01/02/2011 15:28

The only time when a title needs to be used is if it is necessary to identify yourself as a male or female. So Mr and Ms are fine. Why should it be subdivided any further (single female, married female, private female who doesn't think it's anyones busines)

Megatron · 01/02/2011 15:28

God I dread the day that I ever think that the fact I am married is part of my identity. What a load of tosh. Who I am is part of my identity, not who I married or even the fact that I am married.

Do you have to be married to be proud of making a home and family with someone? Don't think so.

QuickLookBusy · 01/02/2011 15:29

Well that is your opinion Annie, but not everyone agrees with you.

swanandduck · 01/02/2011 15:29

Fair enough Writer.

rolandweary · 01/02/2011 15:29

I don't think anyone is saying that you can't like or enjoy being married or taking your dh's mane, if that is what you want. Good for you.

Being "proud" of it does however suggest that you think you have made a superior choice to others'. Which you haven't.

Why do you think being "a wife" is worthy of pride? Are you proud of being brunette, for example?

StayFrosty · 01/02/2011 15:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rolandweary · 01/02/2011 15:31

oh god no, don't bring shiny into it Grin

Hullygully · 01/02/2011 15:33

Or Poopy Troll

AnnieLobeseder · 01/02/2011 15:33

Quick - not everyone would agree that women are desparately oppressed in our society - doesn't make it any less true.

Original poster
WriterofDreams · 01/02/2011 15:33

Roland all your points have been answered in other posts.

OP posts:
QuickLookBusy · 01/02/2011 15:34

No actually roland posters are actually saying that you shouldn't take your husbands name. "The terms are damaging the cause of gender equality" according to Annie

Comments like that do so much to harm gender equality in my opinion because they are telling women how they should live their lives.

I thought we lived in a free country.

ArsMamatoria · 01/02/2011 15:34

I'm proud that a man I admire wanted me to share his life with him. I'm also proud that I have managed to create and maintain a loving and fulfilling relationship

Yep, me too. We weren't married though. That for us was irrelevant to our commitment to each other and our children.

Clearly for you it is very relevant and so it would be polite of people to use the terms you wish, once you have asked them to do so.

Mists · 01/02/2011 15:34

Pride is a sin isn't it? One of the Seven Deadly ones IIRC.

Where does counting your own blessings and being very grateful for them, and pride, which is harmful to others begin I wonder?

EricNorthmansMistress · 01/02/2011 15:35

Have a Biscuit

It's all too boring

Ms NorthmansMistress

Original poster
WriterofDreams · 01/02/2011 15:35

Well apparently Mists I'm not allowed to be proud because that means I'm judging other people. That's a weird attitude IMO.

OP posts:
ViolaTricolor · 01/02/2011 15:36

PigletJohn I do call people by the name they give me, but I think it's reasonable to say that the persistence of 'Miss and Mrs' according to marital status is an anachronism which perpetuates the idea that all and sundry need to know whether a woman is married, but not whether a man is. 'Ms' is one solution, which would be exactly equivalent to 'Mr' if universally adopted. Using it alongside 'Miss' and 'Mrs' causes problems when people make assumptions that it must denote something other, something more specific, than an adult woman. No titles at all is the other possible solution.

rolandweary · 01/02/2011 15:37

well, what did you think would happen if you went on to a forum full of intelligent articulate women and said "I'm proud to be a wife"?

jeeez

EldritchCleavage · 01/02/2011 15:39

greatauntbetty that's exactly my position.

I was used to Miss and wasn't going to change. I used to get called Miss [maiden name] at school all the time by teachers when being told off and came to identify with that naughty outspoken persona.

Also, in my profession many woman had traditionally kept Miss [maiden name] after marrying so it had a kind of sisterhood/formidable predecessor status that I rather liked.

It just goes to show, we all have very different attitudes to these titles-posters on here clearly perceive them in starkly conflicting ways- and we choose accordingly. Slightly sad we're all so hard on each other about it though.