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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be proud of being and wife and to want to be acknowledged as such?

945 replies

WriterofDreams · 01/02/2011 12:41

I've read quite a few posts on MN from people who are annoyed, and quite rightly so, at being called "Mrs" when they're actually a Ms or Dr or some other title. I've actually found I have the opposite problem, where companies send me correspondence with the title "Ms" even though I put Mrs on any forms or letters I send. It also quite annoys me when I introduce my DH as my husband and people persist in calling him my partner. I chose to get married and being a wife is an important part of my identity that I would like to have acknowledged. I like being "Mrs DH's name" although I do draw the line at being called "Mrs Dh's first name Dh's second name," as I haven't actually changed my first name at all.

AIBU to expect companies and professionals to use the title I've actually selected rather than the PC catch-all one?

OP posts:
Original poster
WriterofDreams · 01/02/2011 14:58

Fair enough Jenai. For the record the only stuffed toys in my house are the ones belonging to my DS. I definitely don't have any in my car!

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 01/02/2011 14:58

Ds's school regularly refer to "carers" of the childrne being the catch all phrase to cover all eventualities of people looking after them. I am his parent I am very proud of that and I don;t have any doubts that I am his mother, I am not offended that the school use a term to cover all people caring for their children to avoid either trying to remember who has a parent and who has a carer picking them up or to shorten the news letters a little.

I think its very nice (for you and your DH) that you are so proud of being married to your DH. But I doubt your proudness is really dependent on what ransom strangers call you is it? It saves them remembering who is a "parnter" and who is a "wife" becasue sadly it really isn;t that important to them.

You however can call yourself exactly what you like to whomever you like.

Dancergirl · 01/02/2011 14:58

YANBU

I can't stand being called Ms. What so bad aboud admitting whether you're married or not?

swanandduck · 01/02/2011 14:58

I do think people referring to themselves as 'Miss' sound a bit prim and proper or as if they haven't really grown up. (Unless they're a teacher.)

LeQueen · 01/02/2011 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

swanandduck · 01/02/2011 14:59

Dancergirl

Why can you 'not stand' being called Ms??

AnnieLobeseder · 01/02/2011 14:59

Why are you proud of being a wife? It's no great achievement, surely?

Upon turning 18, men change their title from Master to Mr, implying they have reached manhood and should be taken seriously.

Women, upon turning 18, have traditionally retained the title Miss, putting them at the same level as my 5yo daughter. They only got to take the woman's title of Mrs, and thus be taken seriously, upon attachment to a man.

Can you not see how disempowering and wrong this is?

I deeply resent the titles of Mrs and Miss for over 18s, for any women. Why should we only matter if we're married? FFS!

Kewcumber · 01/02/2011 14:59

I call myself Ms becasue I'm wayyyyyy too old to be a miss still and not good enough (it seems) for anyone to marry me. (not lesbian or manhating last time I checked though)

CarolinaRua · 01/02/2011 15:00

Deserves the beating his wallet got then. Isnt it funny how in your head (well mine anyway) I was going to have a sleek simple dress but in reality had to have the veil, train etc. I swear some weird mutant gene kicked in I will be a Princess

swanandduck · 01/02/2011 15:00

Exactly Annie.

LeQueen · 01/02/2011 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

swanandduck · 01/02/2011 15:01

And I still think a number of people on this thread want to be 'Mrs' in a school girl 'look, look someone married me' way.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 01/02/2011 15:02

I'd say it would be a bit more daft to assume that, Quick, because Ms is pretty much the standard in many professional spheres. But yup, my prejudice is unfair, I accept that.

mrsruffallo · 01/02/2011 15:03

I agree with Annie too. I don't get this dream wedding stuff either.

Original poster
WriterofDreams · 01/02/2011 15:03

I'm proud that a man I admire wanted me to share his life with him. I'm also proud that I have managed to create and maintain a loving and fulfilling relationship which in my experience is far far harder than landing a good job or getting good academic results. In fact I think having a loving relationship is something most people in the world aspire to and something that not a lot of people actually achieve. So I am proud that I have achieved it and I value my family over everything else in my life.

OP posts:
LeQueen · 01/02/2011 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seeker · 01/02/2011 15:03

All husbands are partners, but not all partners are husbands.

All women are Ms, but not all are Mrs or Miss.

So, if there is no detailed information, the obvious terms to use are "Partner" and "Ms". To be changed when more details are acquired.

I honestly can't see why that isn't completely obvious to everyone.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/02/2011 15:04

I get where you're coming from OP but I think the way you've phrased it is a bit cringeworthy.

I'm a Mrs, very happily so, but I wouldn't say that it's something to be proud of, merely that I'm very happy with my husband.

Being married isn't an achievement in my mind anymore than being a partner is. In fact, it's just a label really. It's what you actually do and achieve in your marriage/partnership/singledom that is something to be proud of.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 01/02/2011 15:05

AnnieLobeseder has said it all really.

NikonNelly · 01/02/2011 15:05

Jenai I am a 'Mrs', I don't have soft toys on my bed or in my car.

The only close friend I have who insists on being a 'Ms' also talks on behalf of her cats, signs the cats on birthday cards etc and refers to her and her DH as the cats' mummy and daddy. Which is like a whole step further that soft toys in cars imo. You can't generalise like that.

I am a strong, educated, opinionated, successful woman. I choose to be known as 'Mrs'. Its as simple as that.

I'm not judging those who want to be called 'Ms' and would like the same courtesy to be returned. It isn't a lot to ask for.

LeQueen · 01/02/2011 15:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

greatauntbetty · 01/02/2011 15:06

Never realised I might sound prim and proper for being a Miss! TBO, I rarely get called Miss Betty anyway, I always introduce myself as Betty and leave it at that. Its just a box I tick on forms.

So Miss means I have cuddly toys in my car and haven't grown up? Hmmm may need some thought. Didn't want the Ms bit either though as I thought it had links to marriage? Or is that completely wrong and outdated now?

swanandduck · 01/02/2011 15:09

greataunt

Ms just means you're a female, married, unmarried, man hating, man loving, standing on your head, whatever

Writer

There's nothing wrong with being proud of maintaining your marriage, but it doesn't put you above all the people who may not be married but have done lots of things to be proud of. Your last post was a bit dismissive of those people. It's not a competition.

Hullygully · 01/02/2011 15:09

I want whatever drugs WoD is on.

AnnieLobeseder · 01/02/2011 15:09

OP - sure enough, a happy loving relationship is something to be proud of. But not something to boast about.

And I fail to see how being a Mrs will tell people that you're happily married anyway.

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