To take DS out of nursery after 4 sessions?

[Fourleaf]

I just left DS (15 months) at nursery, screaming and reaching out for me. I feel terrible. He only does 1 session a week (plus 2 mornings with my Mum), and has been going for a month. It is a nice place, and the staff said that last week he seemed to have fun and stopped crying as soon as I went.

BUT at home he is so much more clingy than he ever used to be, and his reaction to me leaving him at nursery seems to be getting worse and worse. The time I have now is precious to me (I work PT from home) but it's not worth it if DS is going to be traumatised. I could put him in for 1 more session and see if he settles better, but that seems silly if I don't really need it.

AIBU to take him out and try to work with him here?

Haven't read all posts but IMO you need to give him a little longer to settle in. Also, I don't think one session per week is enough for him to get used to and settle into a routine. I started my dd off with 2 sessions (2 afternoons) and dm had her the rest of the time (I worked full-time and sent her to nursery for socialization and so that she didn't spend all her time with a family member). It's a totally new and different experience for him and he is bound to need time to adjust at first. As long as you are happy with the nursery and staff, stick with it, you'll be doing yourself and ds a favor in the long term. Imagine him never being in nursery or playgroup until he has to go to school and the attachment anxiety he might suffer from then.

Most people near me send them to the local nursery as it is miles better than any care, including childminders.

This particular nursery has acres of land, a farm, a football pitch, about 5 different playgrounds, dedicated play areas for each age group, and they even have a soft play area.

Of course this does not help a 6 month old, but by the time they are toddlers they really do have so many opportunities to enjoy their time there, and every time I have been at any time of the day, the children always look busy and happy.

I also live in an affluent area and I doubt people choose the nursery because otherwise they would starve. In fact this nursery is so expensive that a nanny would probably work out cheaper with more than one child.

A lot of parents actively choose the best from of childcare for their chidren, which happens to be this nursery.

However, I have seen some incredibly grotty nurseries, so it's difficult to generalise.

Emy - I want to go to that nursery, sod DS!

I'm another one who reckons its more to do with the number of days a week in the setting, be it nursery or CM.

With DS1 I went back to work when he was 4 months old, and could only get 2 days/week at nursery. One day/week he went to a CM. It too him a good couple of months to stop making a fuss about going to the CM, but only a few days at nursery. And this was a CM who was a friend and only had him and her own DS to look after, so ratio not a problem.

A couple of years later, we moved and had similar problems, so he ended up in 2 different nurseries, one for only one day/week. In nearly a year, he never really settled there, so it was a huge relief when I could get him in the other full time.

I strongly suspect he us picking up on your anxiety about it. And, as others have said, he is at a classic age for separation (attachment) issues.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Typos, phone!

Also meant to say, he was much easier if DH dropped him off rather than me.

PLW - as I mentioned earlier we have the double-nursery situation too. Sorry to hear it didn't work out for you - I hope that isn't going to be the case for us as I am going to be in big difficulties otherwise as there is no way I can do a day's work from home with DS there. He is pretty full-on!

He is perfectly happy when I collect him from the single day nursery and I have seen pictures of him playing happily when I am not there so hopefully it is just a question of time.

Agree with the other posters who have suggested that it will take a bit more time and possibly adding an extra session will help.

FWIW my ds started nursery 2 days a week at 13 months and it took him about 6 weeks to settle where he didn't cry when I left and would sleep there.

He's now 20 months and excited to go to nursery, runs off happily to play with the toys and give the nursery workers big smiles with barely a wave goodbye to me.

For some children (my niece) they aren't happy in a nursery environment and were settled much better with a CM so if it doesn't get better could be worth trying.

I couldn't get much work done with my ds at home and wouldn't be happy sacrificing every evening to fit in work if I had an alternative....

It sounds like he's starting to settle there - I'd keep taking him for a few more sessions and see how it goes.

Hi, just to update, DS is still going to the nursery. He has not settled at all, in terms of how he is when I drop him off - today he screamed hysterically.
When I pick him up he does seem to be better - happier and friendly with the staff, although overtired, as he won't sleep there.
The woman who runs it (v nice lady) says a lot of the children cry when they are dropped off, but that she thinks my anxiety is making it worse. I AM anxious about it - I worry about it the night before and this morning felt sick :( I just can't stand the crying.
We have thought about him doing 2 mornings - we can afford it - but it seems silly to have him at nursery more than we need.
So, once again I am thinking of stopping it. What I am wondering is, is crying at the drop off just something you have to put up with? Or should it/does it stop after a bit?

fourleaf - not sure if I've answered this thread before, but my DS is nearly 17 months and has been going to nursery 3 mornings a week since he was nearly 1, so coming up for 5 months. I had no other childcare options (no family nearby, childminder who has him the other 2 mornings couldn't take him M-W), so had to lump it. He SCREAMED every morning for the 1st month, then every afternoon when I went down to feed him. By the 2nd month, I was walking away from nursery and could hear him stop screaming so loudly, so knew he was settling. I was able to come and observe him a couple of times too, without him seeing me, and he was having a whale of a time. Then he got an ear infection, and drop off was bad again for a month. By the 4th month, drop off was great, he was running in, not even acknowledging me, and beaming at his key worker. This week, for some reason, he's been a bit clingy with me, but is running off happily when distracted, and he doesn't want to some home in the afternoons.

Nursery did say to me that the fewer sessions a week, the longer it takes to settle, but he is happy there now - and I know the staff, and am happy with them.

Can you drop off a bit earlier, or stay a bit longer and play with him in the mornings, just until he is more settled? I find that the happier I am, the happier DS is - so if I play with him for 5-10 minutes, and we're all giggling, then his key worker will take over and I slip out the door - doesn't always stop the yelling, but it mostly works!

With regards to sleep, my DS wouldn't sleep at nursery initially, but is now going to sleep on his own for an hour in the afternoons - not as long as at home, but what an improvement! They did put him in the pushchair to get him to sleep for a while, which worked well too.

good luck :)

Thanks so much for the reply crapbarry - that's very helpful. I wish I could sit down and play with him for a bit then slip out (as I do when he's with my Mum) but there's a kind of welcome room where you drop off and parents don't go beyond that. So he would always see me go out of the door... plus they don't encourage that - they think I should leave as quickly as possible. I can understand the logic behind that but it is very hard.

Childminder?

I took my DS to a day nursery when I went back to work (many moons ago) and thought that best for him and was, to be honest, a bit snobby about childminders. But after 6 weeks he still hated nursery, (and the final straw was pooey creases in his groin when I got him home after an alledged nappy change at nursery, but that's off the point.)

I found a childminder who was wonderful and life for my LO was more like a home from home on the days I worked. A good one is worth their weight in gold. He still talks about her fondly today and he's eight.

that sounds a bit odd fourleaf - maybe a childminder would be a better solution then? our childminder is wonderful, I can't praise her enough! DS adores her (although has started screaming on drop off again the past couple of weeks).

Fourleaf, it doesn't sound like your ds is ready to be at nursery yet.

I've worked in settings for that age group and IME there are children who never settle as they are just too young and the busy environment is just too scary!

I've worked with children who have spent the whole session crying and absolutely miserable and yes, I have witnessed other members of staff confidently reassuring the parent that it was just a phase.

I don't call 6 months a phase at that age- it's a quarter of their life if they're 2!

I'd take him out and try him again when he's 2 as they change such a lot in that time. Or he may well prefer a good childminder.

I had the same problem and decided (with advise from the nursery) that as I didn't have to really put her in I would leave it a while. I work from home part-time, but I could work in the evenings and weekends when my husband was around instead of the day. I also got up very early in the morning to do some work, before everyone was awake. I don't think increasing the time the poor child is in the nursery will help. It's a bit like saying, I hate going to my mother-in-laws so I'll make sure I got for longer next time as I'm bound to end up liking her! It's not logical or kind to your child. They are only small for a little time and I think we are going to have a timebomb of children who have been dumped in nursery being very unhappy as adults and finding it difficult to form good relationship. People who put there children in nursery get very cross about this opinion, I'm sure it's because they really know what's right and what's not, otherwise they wouldn't get so heated about it!

My ds has been going to nursery since beginning of jan 2 afternoons a week. Yesterday was the first time he didn't cry at all when dropped off. I know he stops crying really quickly as I listen outside the door so was happy that once I'd gone he was ok. I had to try and keep my anxiety hidden to at the start cos he would pick up on so that can't be helping. If you are not happy with him going then stop. If you can keep your cool and you are happy ghat he is ok once you have gone then keep him there. But you know best what to do for yourself and your child.What do you want to do?

Thanks for the other replies. Pinkthechaffinch - that is really helpful especially coming from someone who has worked in a nursery. I think the time may just not be right for him, and I have actually decided this morning (with DH's agreement)that I will definitely take him out.
Rosedee - thanks for your advice too. Reading the question so directly helped me to know what I want to do! Especially as I know he isn't happy as soon as I've left but is staring at the door and crying on and off for at least 10 minutes.
Darlingdds2- thanks - it is helpful what you say about the extra mornings, but I'm not sure about your 'timebomb' theory - I think a lot of nurseries (including ours) are genuinely good environments that children love - it just has to be the right place and time for the individual child.

when does he stop crying? I've worked in a nursery & seen some kids screaming, having to be peeled off their parents legs etc but after 15 minutes or less they are fine. I wouldn't take a kid out if that was the case. However, I have seen some kids who cry & don't settle throughout the whole session. That's different.

Sorry just seen you've decided to take him out.

their little lives go so fast, like my gran says, long days, but short years,

he'll be at school before you know it!

I used to help out at my kids' nursery as my ds has SN. There were quite a few who screamed and cried but apart from one child they were all calm and settled within 10 minutes of their parent leaving. The one child who was so upset was a refugee and had seen some terrible things plus been separated from his mum at times. He did calm, but it took a while and a lot of careful handling by the nursery staff.

I'd be tempted to say keep persevering. School is the next step and you can't just opt out of that.

Just to let you know, OP - we have been doing an extra session recently at the nursery my DS normally does 1 day at. I have had some extra work.

Thursday - 1 week gap since last there - wailing and clinging, although happy as larry when collected.

Friday - walked straight in and started playing.

Might be worth a go.