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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take DS out of nursery after 4 sessions?

147 replies

Fourleaf · 01/02/2011 09:35

I just left DS (15 months) at nursery, screaming and reaching out for me. I feel terrible. He only does 1 session a week (plus 2 mornings with my Mum), and has been going for a month. It is a nice place, and the staff said that last week he seemed to have fun and stopped crying as soon as I went.

BUT at home he is so much more clingy than he ever used to be, and his reaction to me leaving him at nursery seems to be getting worse and worse. The time I have now is precious to me (I work PT from home) but it's not worth it if DS is going to be traumatised. I could put him in for 1 more session and see if he settles better, but that seems silly if I don't really need it.

AIBU to take him out and try to work with him here?

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 01/02/2011 11:37

childcare.co.uk only works if there are any in your area. There is only one in mine and her rating is 0.Hmm

BertieBasset · 01/02/2011 11:38

Sorry haven't had time to read all the responses - a dangerous game I know!

My DD went to nursery 2 days a week from 12 months. The nursery said a minimum of 2 days was necessary at her age as otherwise the gap between visits is too long and they forget in between.

I didn't have to. my DM was happy to look after DD, but I thought it was important for her (being our only one, although not for much longer) to have the interaction with others.

It worked a treat and she is much more confident. She has all of a sudden started being more clingy when DH drops her off in the mornings, but then cries when picked up as doesn't want to leave. She is rather a drama queen though Grin

I would try and up the hours if you can afford it, and see how you and DS adapt then.

seeker · 01/02/2011 11:39

"I am very surprised at the amount of judgey pants about nurseries on here"

Where?

MrsWentworth · 01/02/2011 11:42

I wouldn't send him. I wouldn't send any child under three, though that's not everyone's cup of tea.

When mine were little, I also worked p/t from home. I used to do an hour when they were having their nap after lunch (well, they were upstairs in their rooms doing something quiet, even if not actually sleeping), and then I would get stuck in after they were in bed at 6.30 and work until midnight/1am. I was really, really tired - but I would choose that any day over putting a small child in nursery. If you're only using nursery for one morning anyway, you could make that time up relatively easily in the evenings. It's not fun, but it's a choice that's available to you.

juuule · 01/02/2011 11:43

pomme - op said "He used to be the least clingy baby ever before he started at nursery, and he's very sociable etc."

So "have had babies that are timid/clingy and not outgoing/confident/maruading ones." doesn't seem to apply here.

Hullygully · 01/02/2011 11:45

And not being keen on nurseries oneself, does not automatically correlate to judging others that are happy with them..

ThePosieParker · 01/02/2011 11:59

Pomme..... "I guess those posting such b*llocks have had babies that are timid/clingy and not outgoing/confident/maruading ones."

What absolute rubbish. There's actually a school of thought that says children that do not attend nursery at a young age, ie before they can communicate, are far more secure.

Kewcumber · 01/02/2011 11:59

I used a childminder (had to work so didn;t have the luxury of choosing not to send DS) but he subsequently used a nursery which to be honest I would have been just as happy with at a younger age so the nursery/CM thing really depends on teh staff at both.

AS others have said, one session a week is very hard to settle in, my CM used to hate settling in childrne who only cameone day a week because she said it was like having them new every week for much longer than those who spent several days a week there.

DS went through a phase of crying at being left and being very clingy. It was awful for me, I used to drop and run (at CM's advice - and she was right) and stand outside teh door in tears listening for him. He always stopped within a couple of minutes. Going through phases of being clingy isn't unusual whether they are at nursery or not.

I would personally doubt that your son is suffering significantly from being in nursery one day a week and if it were me I would give it a serious amount of time (eg three months) but you know him better than I do and obviously shouldn't continue if you feel he is really suffering. My guide to whether DS was basicially OK was whether he appeared happy when I picked him up which he always did (not just happy to see me but also just generally in a good mood IYSWIM).

I shuld also add that unlike the majority of posters on not just this thread but these kinds of threads I have personal experience of having attahcment issues with a child and know children who have had attachment problems. I haven't ever come across (not have any of the professionals I have dealt with) a child who has been damaged by attending a part-time nursery whilst living with caring family. Just in case anyone trots out the damage done to childrens brains by leaving them to cry - leaving them at nursery one/two/three days a week when they cry for 10 mins is not the kind of crying without attending to them that the professionals are talking about.

Kewcumber · 01/02/2011 12:00

taking her out of nursery because it is stressing you out is surely a perfectly valid reason?

ThePosieParker · 01/02/2011 12:03

But it's only an opinion, I'm not sure myself but I chose not to send mine.

seeker · 01/02/2011 12:06

And actually, pommedeterre, you seem to be suggesting that "timid, clingy" babies are somehow inferiour to "outgoing maurauding" ones. Rather than just different.

seeker · 01/02/2011 12:07

AND nobody has answered my question - whether people who don't need to send their babies to nursery and why?

Original poster
Fourleaf · 01/02/2011 12:11

Thanks again for all the posts. It's good to see the different opinions and it's helping me make up my own mind.

Kewcumber - the thing is that he is not very happy when I go to pick him up. He never sleeps there so is overtired and very whingey, and when he sees me he cries as if to say 'why did you leave me here'? (This is my interpretation, obviously.) The last time I went he was smiling at the staff once he was in my arms though, which I thought was a good sign - but maybe I'm clutching at straws?

He was with a family friend who's a nanny for a few hours the other day (as Mum couldn't have him) and he slept and ate with her fine and when I went to pick him up he was just smiling calmly and not even desperate to come to me. I realised how different it was from picking him up from nursery.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 01/02/2011 12:17

seeker - depends on teh age - sent DS to nursery 1 day at 3 because it was attached to the primary I was hoping he would get into. I suspect thats not what you mean though.

pommedeterre · 01/02/2011 12:50

Ok I don't think timid is worse/better/anything other than different than outgoing. Apologies if it came across like that. I'm not a heartless child criticising bitch.
My point was that opinions on nurseries might be coloured by your own child's personality and gut instincts on how they would feel in that environment.
That seems a lot more balanced than the '15 months is too young for nursery' sweeping generalisation further up the thread imho. But hey ho.
I am surprised by the opinions on nurseries here.
I don't need to work but want to so dd goes to nursery.
She is very happy there.
Fourleaf - dd used to scream upon being picked up - a combination of overtired/not liking having a bottle from them so not drinking much milk. She was going one day a week and that continued from beg Nov to mid Dec (so approx 6 sessions). She is now calm and smiley when I pick her up. She has always been fine at drop off/during the day though.

ThePosieParker · 01/02/2011 12:57

seeker, I'm with you. I find the whole idea that a baby needs to socialise at 8mths really weird, as mine didn't even have friendships until they were older...they don't even notice other children at 1...

pommedeterre · 01/02/2011 13:00

Yes, your child was like that. My dd at 10 months adores toddlers and stumbles after them poking them/stealing their biscuits/pointing at them every chance she gets.
So, hmm, every child is different.... wow...

reup · 01/02/2011 13:05

But surely under ones wouldn't be in the same room with toddlers at a nursery only a cm.

I've heard loads of wealthy parents putting babies in a nursery to socialise as if that's the only possible location that could happen

ThePosieParker · 01/02/2011 13:07

That's why they have playgroups....

seeker · 01/02/2011 13:11

But the choice is not nursery or social isolation!

reup · 01/02/2011 13:14

That's what I meant!

RMCW · 01/02/2011 13:18

15 months is a bit young....

RMCW · 01/02/2011 13:22

..my ds2 is 2.4 and will not be starting pre school/nursery til he is 3. He is not alking properly yet (although getting more words every day!) and he is not potty trained yet.

I will feel much better about leaving him for 2 x mornings per week knowing he can communicate with me, the other children and his key worker and that he will not be left in a dirty nappy (he has contact dermatitits so needs to be changed often and immediately after a poo which the nursery/pre school staff may not be able to do)

I am hoping that my ds2 will be much more secure by then and cope better at being left.

Ilovemangoes · 01/02/2011 13:24

My DS is 1 yr old and we have been leaving him with a CM for the last 4 weeks for 3 sessions a week. We are considering swapping to a nursery because he is so upset when I drop him off/pick him up, and we have been called to collect him early at least 3 times because he has been so upset. Like you Fourleaf once he is in our arms, he is all smiles and laughs!

We decided to go with a CM because we thought he would have more one to one care in a more homely setting - but it's not working. He hardly sleeps/eats well there. My thinking now is that at nursery maybe there would be more staff as back up and support for the keyworker if the child is having difficulty settling in. Also maybe more of a routine at nursery would work well for him. I am feeling very guilty but I have to work.

However there is obviously no right or wrong answer, as every child is different! You can't know how they will settle until you try them in an environment.

Good luck!

Gethsemane · 01/02/2011 13:24

My son went to nursery at just under 6 months. Eeek, bet I'll attract a fair amount of criticism for that. Hey ho.

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