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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take DS out of nursery after 4 sessions?

147 replies

Fourleaf · 01/02/2011 09:35

I just left DS (15 months) at nursery, screaming and reaching out for me. I feel terrible. He only does 1 session a week (plus 2 mornings with my Mum), and has been going for a month. It is a nice place, and the staff said that last week he seemed to have fun and stopped crying as soon as I went.

BUT at home he is so much more clingy than he ever used to be, and his reaction to me leaving him at nursery seems to be getting worse and worse. The time I have now is precious to me (I work PT from home) but it's not worth it if DS is going to be traumatised. I could put him in for 1 more session and see if he settles better, but that seems silly if I don't really need it.

AIBU to take him out and try to work with him here?

OP posts:
Hullygully · 01/02/2011 10:29

I have never ever left mine crying anywhere at any age. Seems an odd thing to do to me unless you absolutely have to.

There was a brief period of dd going to nursery, dropped off by dh, at 2.5 where she cried, but he didn't tell me as he didn't want ot worry me.

She still goes on about that nursery now, age 12. Be warned!

Squitten · 01/02/2011 10:35

We started DS1 at nursery two mornings (breakfast - naptime) a week from just before his 2nd birthday. We had all the problems that you had - crying, increased clinginess, etc. It took about a fortnight but he did settle to it and now loves it. There was regression over Xmas and when DS2 was born but he's back to it again now.

The fact that the staff have told you that he is settling once you are gone is a good sign so I would be inclined to try another few sessions and see if he continues to improve. If not, I would pull him out and leave him until he's a bit bigger.

Original poster
Fourleaf · 01/02/2011 10:35

'I have never ever left mine crying anywhere at any age. Seems an odd thing to do to me unless you absolutely have to.'

This makes me feel awful Hullygully :(
But maybe you're right. I don't absolutely have to. I just thought he might get used to it and enjoy it, and I could get some work done. He used to be the least clingy baby ever before he started at nursery, and he's very sociable etc.

But now I am thinking that maybe I should just take him out. I am starting to dread Tuesday mornings and that's not good is it?

OP posts:
Nancy66 · 01/02/2011 10:36

Fourleaf - if it's causing you this much anxiety then, no, it really isn't worth it.

ImFab · 01/02/2011 10:39

Once a week is not enough for a child of that age to get used to it ime.

Hullygully · 01/02/2011 10:39

Oh god, sorry Fourleaf! I wrote it so strongly because I found I got loads of "humphs" and "you'll spoil those children" type reactions and it was quite hard to stick to what I thought was the right thing. Lots of people seem to think it's good for children to learn independence etc, well they all learn it in the end, they don't need it forced on them, and it is better to learn it from a position of strength and choice.

Trust your instincts, if you feel bad, don't do it!

Hullygully · 01/02/2011 10:40

And I agree with everyone who says childminders - they can form a strong one to one attachment as they would form with a grandparent etc and then they are happy to be with the other person.

ImFab · 01/02/2011 10:41

It is all very well your DH being "pro" him going to nursery but is he the one fretting about your ds crying and does it affect your dh whether ds goes or not?

Rannaldini · 01/02/2011 10:43

give him a chance to get used to being away from mum
usually they settle down and feel safe and secure there fairly quickly

maybe another morning seeion would help until he settles in
(i know this sounds mad but he'll get used to it more quickly and you can then reduce back to one morning)

MmeLindt · 01/02/2011 10:45

Contrary to Hully, I did leave my DC to cry sometimes. Particularly DS, as he was more clingy.

He absolutely ADORED kindergarten, and sometimes did not want to come home but he still cried some mornings.

It is sometimes necessary, and you should not feel bad about it.

If he were crying all the time he was there, then I would take him out.

Speak to the nursery - tell them it is distressing you. They are used to it. Ask them what measures do they have in place if he is crying? What do they do to comfort him?

It is not knowing that is torture, if you know that he is fine and happy then you can relax a bit.

juuule · 01/02/2011 10:46

I agree with Hully. If it's not necessary for him to go, then I'd wait and try again when he is older.

TandB · 01/02/2011 10:48

I would persevere, but possibly up the number of sessions for a short while so that it becomes familiar more quickly.

We are having a mild version of this problem at the moment. DS is 18 months and has been in nursery since just before 6 months. He loves it and is confident and outgoing. We moved out of London recently and I now work in London three days and spend two nights there so he does the first half of the week in his regular nursery and then another day in a nursery near our new home. He has never once cried when being left at his London nursery but he has been upset when being left in the unfamiliar nursery. After three weeks the clinging is very much reduced and he is playing happily when I come to collect him. I would imagine that it is just a question of him becoming familiar and confident with his new surroundings.

Chandon · 01/02/2011 10:55

Some children (especially boys, for some reason)have very strong separation anxiety.

Both my boys had it badly. I found leaving them at home with a babysitter easier than leaving them at nursery.

DS1 ended up being at home until he was 2. Mind you, the separation was not any easier then! But by then I was just very determined to make it work myself.

DS2 had such bad separation anxiety that I did not leave him until he was almost 3. Even then, it was HARD but I worked on a plan with his group leader. I would keep it short and brisk, and she would physically prevent him from running out of the door after me.

I know all children are different though, and our situation was unique in that we had to move country every year for DH work, which greatly upset the children every time. Also, DH was often away for prolonged periods, so the DC literally clung to me.

Anyway, I hope you work something out for both of you. just don't think it will be much easier when they are older, because it might not be. Still, you can always try again in half a year.

Could you get any work done when he is napping? I worked free lance at the time, and worked like a possessed woman between 2 and 4;30 every day Grin

Original poster
Fourleaf · 01/02/2011 11:06

Thanks for all the additional replies. I will see how he is today, talk it over with DH and possibly the nursery and decide between upping his sessions OR taking him out. Am leaning towards the latter right now.

Chandon - alas he only has short naps...

OP posts:
seeker · 01/02/2011 11:14

Are there really people who put babies into nursery (and 15 months IS a baby!) if they don't need to?

(I count need as including "in order to save my sanity" by the way, as well as the need to earn money!)

EEALLY? Why on earth would you do this? Why does a 15 month old need to "get used to being away from his mum"?

Babies are programmed to develop and change and grow. That's what they do.

FabbyChic · 01/02/2011 11:23

I think four hours a week is not enough time as has been said for him to get used to it and settle. If you could leave him for the whole day instead of just half a day it might get him to settle more.

Hullygully · 01/02/2011 11:24

Or traumatise him beyond all imagining...

hey ho.

strandedpolarbear · 01/02/2011 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeninGrad · 01/02/2011 11:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeninGrad · 01/02/2011 11:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nagoo · 01/02/2011 11:30

Fourleaf can you DH do the drop off? My DS settles straight in when DH drops him off for some reason.

Or your DH can get a taste of how upset he is and a better understanding of your POV?

pommedeterre · 01/02/2011 11:32

DD goes to nursery one day a week and has done from 7 months. this week (10.5 months) she will start going 2 days a week.
I have also heard that sometimes earlier is better for them to get used to it. I also think that a child's personality has a lot to do with it.
I also agree with other posters that cm may be no different and that working with them at home is impossible. Maybe a nanny share?
I am very surprised at the amount of judgey pants about nurseries on here. I guess those posting such b*llocks have had babies that are timid/clingy and not outgoing/confident/maruading ones.

Hullygully · 01/02/2011 11:33

You're quite right, Pomme. All of us that aren't that keen on nurseries have inadequate children. Can't believe I had never made that connection before! Der!

pommedeterre · 01/02/2011 11:35

I certainly don't think that timid/clingy is inadequate. I also didn't post that.

Original poster
Fourleaf · 01/02/2011 11:36

Thanks LeninGrad - I have had a look on that website and there are a few possibilities locally. I do find it hard to concentrate with DS in the house (no loft unfortunately) but need to comprimise on something...

Nagoo - no, sadly DH starts work early. Good idea though.

OP posts:
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