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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To take DS out of nursery after 4 sessions?

147 replies

Fourleaf · 01/02/2011 09:35

I just left DS (15 months) at nursery, screaming and reaching out for me. I feel terrible. He only does 1 session a week (plus 2 mornings with my Mum), and has been going for a month. It is a nice place, and the staff said that last week he seemed to have fun and stopped crying as soon as I went.

BUT at home he is so much more clingy than he ever used to be, and his reaction to me leaving him at nursery seems to be getting worse and worse. The time I have now is precious to me (I work PT from home) but it's not worth it if DS is going to be traumatised. I could put him in for 1 more session and see if he settles better, but that seems silly if I don't really need it.

AIBU to take him out and try to work with him here?

OP posts:

hormonalmum · 01/02/2011 13:27

My dd used to do one day a week in a nursery from being 6 months until just before she was 2.

At around 18 months she used to hate going and I took her out as soon as I could - was pregnant again and didnt want to disrupt her routine anymore.
I now leave dc3 with a childminder - much, much better option for our family - wish I had always used a childminder but didnt think that option was for us at the time.

Have you tried a childminder?

ThePosieParker · 01/02/2011 13:34

Geth....it's probably easier for the child to put them in at 6 months than 15 months, tbh.

Original poster

Fourleaf · 01/02/2011 14:01

Well, I just went to pick him up and he really seemed fine. Was tired but had eaten, had his milk etc. Didn't cry when he saw me and then was smiling and playing with the staff. They told me he'd been fine - sometimes crying a bit when he'd realised I wasn't there but then easily distracted. The owner said she thought he was doing really well - that it's normal for babies to cry when they are dropped off but it's how they are during the time and when collected that counts. She was really nice and reassuring and said she didn't think he was suffering - although she knew I was!

I don't know what to think now? Maybe we should stick with it for a few more weeks... it would be great to have reliable childcare that he's happy with if I do go back to work in autumn. Then again I just hate leaving him screaming and could probably squeeze my work into the evenings etc, at least for now... Oh dear

OP posts:

ImFab · 01/02/2011 16:09

My sons settled into playschool immediately. My dd didn't settle at playschool or nursery and I removed her in the end.

ImFab · 01/02/2011 16:09

Do you trust the staff to tell you if he was suffering? IME staff don't always tell you the truth.

MmeLindt · 01/02/2011 16:29

That is very reassuring. If he had been miserable, then there is a good chance that he would have cried again when he saw you.

I would leave it since he seems to be settling.

I know that it is the worst feeling in the world, I used to leave in tears, only to phone later to be told, "Oh, he is fine, stopped crying within 3 minutes and has been playing merrily since".

TandB · 01/02/2011 16:51

Gethsemane - my son went just before 6 months as well and couldn't be happier. I think it is a good time to make the adjustment. Good luck.

I am never sure with these kind of threads why some people who are quite clear that they did not use a nursery at a young age feel the need to jump up and down telling those who do that it is a Bad Thing. If you don't use a nursery and you are happy with your choice why not just let others get on and be happy with their choice? No-one is criticising you for not using a nursery.

TandB · 01/02/2011 16:52

Sorry Gethsemane - I thought you said your son was going to nursery. Good luck not needed!

cep · 01/02/2011 17:01

my son went to nursery 4 mornings a week from 9 months. I've never had a problem and he's 2.8 now, yes i've had some mornings where he says he doesn't want to go but he goes anyway, he needs to learn sometimes you have to do things you don't want to, and once we're there he goes straight in and plays happily, i think we've had 2 episodes of crying.

seeker · 01/02/2011 19:55

"I am never sure with these kind of threads why some people who are quite clear that they did not use a nursery at a young age feel the need to jump up and down telling those who do that it is a Bad Thing. If you don't use a nursery and you are happy with your choice why not just let others get on and be happy with their choice? No-one is criticising you for not using a nursery."

But the OP was unsure and was asking for opinions. Personally, I am never sure about people who come on threads like this and say that their child loves every second of nursery and it's an unmitigated Good Thing!

emy72 · 01/02/2011 20:12

I have the same with my DD - she's 16 months and has just started 3 mornings a week.

To be fair, I would expect her to be upset whoever and wherever I left her - seen as she has never left my side for 16 months. However, I picked her up mid way through the morning on the 3rd day and I was peeking through the glass. She was chatting away happily to the staff. She looked fine.

She still comes out crying when she sees me and it is upsetting. But I think she would do the same anywhere else, so she has to get used to it, as I will have to leave her sooner or later.

I hope he settles down, but look at the other babies there; do they look settled? I am reassured that all the children in her room look happy and settled...

MrsWentworth · 01/02/2011 20:26

Cep, I agree that small children have to learn that they have to do things they don't want to do (such as go out in the rain to collect siblings from school, say, or go to the supermarket when they'd rather be in the park). However, I am really quite disturbed by your idea that enforced separation from a loved and trusted parent falls into quite the same category.

If people have no choice but to use nurseries, so be it. But nothing on earth will ever convince me that they represent the best form of care for babies and small children.

cep · 01/02/2011 21:19

mrswentworth i never said it represented the best form of care. However if it's a choice of leaving him in the nursery for a few hours 4 mornings a week, and being homeless, then sorry but he'll have to suffer the enforced, playing with friends and learning/experiencing things that i would not necessariy think of doing with him. i have no nearby friends with small children, so nursery is the only time he plays with children his own age.

What about school? the child will be enforced to go to school all day 5 days a week. I have a stepson who never went to nursery or playschool, he also has no siblings or other children in the family apart from 1 cousin a few years older who he occasionally saw. Time to start school and he screamed everyday all the way there, for the first 1.5-2 years should he then be taken out of school???

Gethsemane · 01/02/2011 21:27

Thanks kungfupanda! My son seems to really enjoy it at nursery and has been going for just over 6 months now (sorry for any confusion ). I was really anxious about it when he started (I hated hated walking out the door) but now am really pleased with how things have worked out. That said I saw a few different nurseries before he started, and there seemed to be quite a bit of variation. I'd definitely recommend shopping around a bit to find a good one.

MrsWentworth · 01/02/2011 21:29

Cep, I didn't mean to say that you did say it was the best form of care, and I apologise for misrepresenting you. My problem was the idea that going to nursery prepared a child for a life of having to do rubbish stuff that they hated. Toddlers don't find that easy to learn anyway, and I can't imagine how it must feel to have to learn it away from your parents/grandparents/another adult with whom you have a close bond.

By the time they are of school age, it makes more sense for them to be separated. They are able to understand to some degree why they are there, that their parents are coming back, and so on. Also - and this is very important to my mind - they are able to articulate their problems to some degree, unlike babies who aren't even able to explain to themselves why it hurts to be away from their parent/s, never mind to anyone else.

I did say, Cep, that some people have no choice. I do find it sad, though, if people who have no choice also feel they have to convince themselves that it's good for the child. Obviously it's better than being homeless - but that doesn't mean it's good per se. I'm not saying that to get at other mothers - it's more the organisation of society/work that is the problem. Sadly.

Sam001 · 01/02/2011 22:31

Try two sessions a week cause it tends to work better. If he really hates it then take him out, but I doubt that he hates it, and probably is more 'clingy' to you because he misses his time with you but not because he hates nursery.

If it makes you feel any better, I just started sending my 6 month old daughter to nursery.

Good luck.

Foreverondiet · 01/02/2011 23:13

TBH I think one session a week very hard on a 15 month old.

babybythesea · 01/02/2011 23:14

Adding my two cents worth. I started leaving my dd at a nursery from about 19 months. She loved it the first time, and screamed blue murder the second (she'd remembered that I was going to leave her and wasn't about to let it happen if she could help it!). I did sessions 3 and 4 with tears at drop-off, but she was also saying things like 'Nursery fun' when I collected her. Session 5 - toddled off into the middle of the action without a backward galnce - I had to run after her to grab my goodbye kiss! We've never looked back- she's just turned 2 and some mornings will actively ask to go to nursery. And I work strange hours, so some weeks she's in 2 or 3 times, the next week she might not be there at all.

I'm glad I stuck with it as she has a wonderful time there and is really enjoying mixing with the other kids, but I also am aware I didn't have to give it that many sessions for that to happen. Ultimately, I think you just have to do what your gut feeling tells you is right for you and your child - not all kids are the same and while my dd is thriving, your ds may not - the only person who will really know is you. If it feels wrong, then it probably is wrong.
Which is of no help at all but it's getting late and my head is starting to implode. Bed, methinks.

cunexttuesonline · 01/02/2011 23:38

It's likely that he is picking up on your anxiety at drop off. You need to be positive. Ie coming up to the door of nursery 'oooh yay, its a nursery day', 'oh look it's XYZ your little friends', lots of smiling etc.

Also around 15 mo is a bad time for separation anxiety IIRC, it should pass soon.

seeker · 01/02/2011 23:54

I do understand why, honestly, but i do cringe when people say "OK, this baby hates going to nursery for one day a week. The way to solve this ppoblem is by sneding him more often"

Kewcumber · 02/02/2011 00:32

people are suggesting that one session a week is difficult for any child to settle and a couple may be better. No need to cringe, I wasn;t suggesting she do it in order to make her child unhappier but I have seen for myself how a more stable pattern of childcare is easier for the child to deal with than a slightly disjointed one.

It isn't the way to solve it, but may well (from experience) be contributing to the problem.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 02/02/2011 00:50

I haven't read the whole thread, but 1 day a week makes it much harder (as I'm sure has already been said)

If you can manage two mornings a week instead that would be preferable for him perhaps.

DS STILL cries at nursery and he's been there 2 years.. (two mins later he's happy as anything, I've seen it. Just like he's happy playing with everybody until he clocks me and then he bursts into tears for daring to leave him )

unfortunately for DS, I don't have the option, I HAVE to leave him at nursery.. It's good actually, he's a shy boy and I think it'll help him with the transition to school

PenguinArmy · 02/02/2011 06:52

OP I think what you can take from this, is that there significant numbers on either side, so there is no right or wrong answer.

Trust yourself, you made such a beautiful baby so this is nothing.

FWIW I think working evenings will slowly drive you down. Losing that time to switch off can be very damaging in the long term. So it has to be done with discipline if at all e.g. 2 nights only etc.

janajos · 02/02/2011 07:06

My son settled so much better at nursery than with a CM. He was with a CM for 3 months and cried bitterly every time I left and was desperate for me when I got back. From 16 months we have put him in the nursery next door to the school where I work and he took about a month to settle (3 days per week). He is now 19 months and goes in with his bag and a smile, turns round and waves to me!

I would persevere and increase the sessions if you have to work, if you don't then keep him with you!!

TandB · 02/02/2011 09:01

Seeker - there is a big difference between people who have experience of using nursery care giving their positive experiences and people who, by their own omission, do not have that experience, feeling the need to announce that it is a bad thing.

It happens again and again and it is extraordinarily unfair on those who have no choice but to use a nursery, and on those who are struggling with the decision.

It would be a bit different if the negative opinions were consistently coming from those who had tried nursery, found it unworkable and removed their child with positive results and could actually give the OP a balanced view. But there is no real useful information in posts along the lines of "I don't know why people do it - I would never do it."

There is also an ongoing assumption, again generally by those who do not use nurseries, that it is inevitably a sub-standard experience for the child. There are many of us who know that is not true. Again, if people would remember that every child is different and give relevant experience of different experiences that would be a useful and positive contribution. Sweeping "you should only use a nursery if you will starve if you don't" comments are unhelpful.

My personal experience is that nursery has been a throughly positive part of my son's life. It is entirely clear to me that he loves being there and would miss it if he was not there. If we have another child I will not be able to afford the childcare to allow me to go back to work. I am already trying to save a little money to allow him to continue to have at least one day a week at nursery so that he doesn't have to stop altogether.

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