To take DS out of nursery after 4 sessions?

[Fourleaf]

I just left DS (15 months) at nursery, screaming and reaching out for me. I feel terrible. He only does 1 session a week (plus 2 mornings with my Mum), and has been going for a month. It is a nice place, and the staff said that last week he seemed to have fun and stopped crying as soon as I went.

BUT at home he is so much more clingy than he ever used to be, and his reaction to me leaving him at nursery seems to be getting worse and worse. The time I have now is precious to me (I work PT from home) but it's not worth it if DS is going to be traumatised. I could put him in for 1 more session and see if he settles better, but that seems silly if I don't really need it.

AIBU to take him out and try to work with him here?

If you don;t need to for work or your sanity, then don't They don't need to go to nursery!

Why is your dp so keen for him to go?

Why is your DH so keen on him going to nursery BTW?

Cross posts seeker

Does causing a child distress make them confident? I wouldn't have thought so.

If it's that your husband is keen for him to have social interacction, don't forget these needs can be met in other ways (through a CM / playgroups for example)

Coming at it from another perspective to some of the posters, mine were both in two days a week from 6 months and in a way I think that circumnavigates some of the separation issues as it becomes part of the routine. 14-18 months does seem to be a clingy time and a time when they're suspicious of new things and other people, even with all else being equal. If you took him to a childminder you may have the same tears and trauma at the drop off.

My gut feeling would be that if you like the nursery persevere, especially if you need to work. An additional session later in the week might help familiarise the setting.

Of course you know your own child best and if it is all feeling wrong then you have to rethink.

Don't be such a drip Nancy - tots are distressed because you said no to another biscuit....does that mean that not stuffing them with sugar is going to affect their confidence too?

There is nothing wrong with a little one spending a couple of hours in a safe environment playing with toys in the company of other children.

I also agree it may be a timing thing, this was the peak of both mine's clinginess and made trying to drop them at, say, the sports centre's nursery almost impossible. This is the stage of separation anxiety, and although some babies may settle better than others, I don't think you can discount how stressful it is for them (and suggesting them are 'putting it on' for your benefit as one poster did, and not actually experiencing any distress is a bit strange).

I think you have to evaluate how distressed they are and how much you need the nursery thing to work. If they cry for a couple of minutes, fine, if they are sobbing an hour later which my dd1 was if I left her at this age, I personally don't think it's worth it if there is an obvious alternative.

I don't think CM are the obvious solution though, it's about building bonds with carers, and one day a week at a CM will probably be just the same (I know this!)

Fantoosh - ridiculous to compare a child that can't have a biscuit with one that has been separated from its parent before it's ready.

It's a total fallacy that babies need to be socialised. Forcing them to do so before they are emotionally ready does not instil confidence.

"If you took him to a childminder you may have the same tears and trauma at the drop off."

Although you may have the same separation issues coming up at a CM, the CM will be able to give your DS more individual attention, and structure the days more around his needs than a nursery which has so many other children's needs to consider.

Also, with a CM, you get the consistency of the same person all the time. In a nursery people come and go, especially if they have a lot of people on part-time shifts.

FWIW DS has just started going to nursery (just over 2yo).

We sent him to the nursery because it's a lovely nursery and because of the location it means we need 2 hours less childcare per day.

However he took much longer to settle in the nursery than he did at his second CMs, which he moved to at around 15 months.

He does seem to be settling now (6 weeks, 2 days a week) but I was on the verge of taking him out. If it wasn't for the extra 2 hours we get together, which I value immensely, then I would have simply sent him back to the CM (He commutes with me now, it's lovely - we look out of the window at cows and stuff )

In retrospect if we were doing it again, I wouldn't move him from the CM to the nursery until he was at least 2.5 if not 3, and if we have another DC I expect this is what we'll do next time.

Of course this is only our experience and every child is different but HTH!

Having tried all forms of childcare at one time or another, I now think under 2s are best looked after alone or in very small groups rather than nurseries, but if you do want to go down the nursery route, it's probably fairer on him to put him in at least half time rather than schlep him around different care situations during the week. That way he can get to know the nursery nurses better and make a few friends.

His sense of time is completely different to an adult at the moment, with days seeming like weeks and weeks like months, and the way he probably sees it is like being abandoned in a baby parking facility with complete strangers erratically once a month. If he went every morning or something like that, it might become more of a routine and he'd actually benefit from the stimulation and friendship that nurseries can provide, which will do him a lot of good in the medium to long term.

"I think it's important that you oersist with this, because once you realise that after a time, he is used to it and fine, you will be more confident making other parenting decisions in future. I bet if you cave in now, it will set a precedent for the way you deal with things in future."

Actually, I think making a decision for your child that goes against the current received wisdom is much more likely to make you confident in your parenting than following the herd! Nursery suits some children but not others. Why do we want to force the ones it doesn't suit into that box unless we really really have to?

I don't need to work for money but I do need to for my sanity!
But I could do it at evenings etc - am just so tired then after a full day (and night sometimes) with DS. I could squeeze it in though, if I had to. The thing is that in the autumn I may be going to work FT - but by then DS will be older and maybe better able to cope?

My DH thinks it's good for DS to socialise, have some independence etc. He likes the nursery (as do I) and thinks we should stick with it. But he doesn't have to go through dropping him off :(

I will think about a CM. The thing is... the nursery is incredibly close to my house! But this shouldn't be the main factor in my decision I know. But as you say cornettos it may be the same with a CM anyway - with a half hour journey instead of a three minute toddle!

It is interesting to hear both sides - Nancy and Fantoosh and others - as this debate is happening in my head all the time

x posted...

Neither does having a neurotic mother that folds at the first sign of trouble. But there we have it - to each their own. My kids have worked through the seperation anxiety issues and come out confident and sociable, so it worked for me!

I agree seeker.

And anyway, one person's "caving in" is another person's "following your maternal instincts"!

I depends on the child and the situation. Just because other people do something, it doesn't necessarily mean it's right for your child, at this time.

If you are thinking about going FT in Autumn then I would definitely persevere, but perhaps put him in an extra morning to give him more continuity.

Our kindergarten would only take under 2yo for 2 mornings a week as they found that they did not settle well otherwise.

The nursery say that he settles after a couple of minutes - he is not crying for hours.

Well if that's the case, I would be inclined to up his hours at nursery and also talk it up a bit to him as well, as well as having some of his little friends back for tea and so on from time to time, also getting to know the carers very well. That way it will seem more like an extension of home.

I agree that it's good to socialise.

But I strongly believe that you produce confident children by making them feel secure, and not rushing them to do things before they're ready.

FWIW DS did cry when I first left him at a CMs when he was about 13months.

I used to listen outside the door, and it was for literally 5 minutes only/. (Still heart wrenching though!)

Do you know how long he cries for? Can you hide somewhere and see how he gets on? Our nursery let me do this.

"Neither does having a neurotic mother that folds at the first sign of trouble. "

Excuse me? Neurotic?

Ok - obviously no chance of a sensible discussion her. Off to put my bins out.

Besides...the OP has already detailed how her dc is fine after she leaves - plays happily. I am not seeing the dilemma at all. He's fine when she goes.
So therefore....he's fine.

Ny dd is going through a clingy phrase because her db has started nursery and she's lost without him. We'll get through it. So will the OP.

Fantoosh there's a difference between doing something if you absolutely have to, and being sensitive to your DCs needs. If there are alternatives why shouldn't you explore them?

It's not neurotic to treat your DC as people with feelings - because that's what they are!

Sheesh!

Simple thing but have you told him you will be back when you leave?

Worked a treat with DD, but she was a little older. I hadn't thought to tell her I would be back to pick her up after she'd had a play. Then our CM talked to her & told her this & I clicked I hadn't been doing that, and NO MORE TEARS!! Perhaps they feel like we are leaving them there for good? Lots of reassurance you will pick him up after he plays for a while, and he might become less clingy at home too. Clearly he's enjoying being there - it would be a shame to give up on it now.

Clingy phases in toddlers are pretty normal, with or without nursery.

She has also said he seems to being more clingy and resisting nursery more strongly.

She is understandably worried.

Staying at the nursery might be the best option in the end, but considering the options is the best thing to do if she has the luxury of being able to.

Why on earth wouldn't you?

A friend of mine who used to be a early years practitioner in a nursery said that at around 18 months or earlier ro a year, children do go through a phase of seperation anxiety. I did leave it till 2.5 for my DS to go to nursery. Of course he cried the first time but then he loved going. I don't know as every child is different.
Also to echo as many have said you could just stick with it for a few more weeks as on the other hand, I know plenty of children who have been at nursery from 6 months or earlier and seem fine with it