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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed with mothers who can't be bothered to work?

395 replies

HellaH · 28/01/2011 10:46

Went to a baby playgroup the other day and met yet another mother who has handed in her notice just because she has had a baby.

Thanks a lot! Now when I will go looking for a job employers will think that I too will hand in my notice if I fall pregnant again and will probably take on a man instead of me.

Can't wait for men to get more parental leave, maybe it will equal things out a bit!

And surely with the flexible working hours law and such a woman CAN go back to work without silly excuses.

OP posts:
BlackSwan · 30/01/2011 04:05

GotArt - let's put lazy people who never had a job or a career to one side, they aren't the issue OP raised.

Why do you think some women who do have a career quit once they have kids? There are plenty of reasons - all of them legitimate. One is that the cost of decent childcare, combined with women's STILL lower pay than men's, makes it less compelling (or even nonsensical) financially to return to work. Two is that employers are not required to be flexible with working mothers - the law provides a framework for flexible working, but if the employer doesn't want to be flexible it doesn't have to. The third one, which is just as legitimate a reason, is the desire to care for your babies yourself.

The real answer here is to ensure women's work is valued as much as men's work. It isn't - which is why women still get paid less than men for the same job, why good childcare is expensive, and why most firms expect women to return to work full time, working 'men's hours', even while they have infants.

Ask yourself this - what would a man do? Do you think a man would 'bother' going back to work for such little financial reward? Bollocks.

Cadmum · 30/01/2011 05:24

I quit a job that I absolutely adored because I love my dcs more.

Biscuit

Popping the popcorn...

GotArt · 30/01/2011 05:56

In Canada, where I live, the law does require employers to be flexible for working parents, or more often than not, working mothers, as they are the ones most likely to have to take leave from work for the children for various reasons. The problem arises at the hiring level; fully qualified young women are often over-looked for higher end positions due to employers not wanting to deal with flexibility or maternity leave or them simply leaving the position after a short period because it is thought they would rather be at home with their children.

BlackSwan · 30/01/2011 08:13

The law is different here in the UK of course. But reluctance to hire women of child-bearing age is an issue here too - it's sexism and it's wrong. The answer isn't to blame women! Women produce children - society needs us to do that. We need a framework where we can be supported in the workforce by being hired without prejudice for our sex, be paid the same as men and be supported through pregnancy and post maternity leave. Society shouldn't expect women to just bear the financial brunt of child-bearing as we currently do.

Xenia · 30/01/2011 08:43

Yes. all housewives know that when they gave in their notice they kicked the rest of us in the teeth and gave a bad example to their children and hindered the position of women. It is a politica and anti woman decision to take and damages us but they are pretty selfish so they probably don't all think about that.

BlackSwan · 30/01/2011 08:46

You're a moron.

onceamai · 30/01/2011 09:05

I agree with Cadmum but appreciate I was very lucky to give up a job I loved because of how much I loved my DC. I appreciate there are many women who have to do jobs they hate and which make them miserable because of how much they love their DC.

lockets · 30/01/2011 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slightlymad72 · 30/01/2011 10:11

I feel so ashamed and I am hoping that all you SAHM will forgive me, I hadn't realised that being at home looking after my kids was me 'not bothering to work' and I was just using a 'silly excuse' to not do anything all day.
I promise that from tomorrow I shall change my ways. No more getting up at early, from now on my boys can get themselves up, sort themselves out and arrive late at school every morning. My Daughter can sort herself out as well, having a dibilitating disabling neurological condition is no excuse for not getting her screwed up body out of bed in the morning and getting her lazy arse to university.
No more home cooked meals, why the hell should I stand at the cooker, preparing food. They can either sort it themselves or the OH can do it when he gets home at 7pm, for gods sake he's only done a 14hr working
day.
From today I solemny swear to change my ways, no more running around in circles, no more giving a shit about others, no more being housewife, chef, cleaner, wife, mother, carer and sex goddess, I shall become a fat, lazy, selfish, CBA, SAHM.

MadBanners · 30/01/2011 10:29

ooohhh...I have just handed my notice in.

If I knew I would get the added bonus of pissing certain people off, I would have done it Much sooner tbh!

It really is none of your business now is it!?

We have decided as a family, it is best for us, and it has pot all to do with anyone else!

I do not give a damn if anybody thinks it is wrong, anti women or whatever! It is the best decision for my family!

I have the option too, of being able to do night shifts on the bank at work, can chose when I want to work, will still be with my children in the day, and will not be paying someone else well over 1K a month to look after my children.

Debs75 · 30/01/2011 10:36

I would of quite happily quit my job when I got pregnant with my dc's. Then again I wasn't working so my job was raising the dc's. When they are in school I will work as it is my preference to be a SAHM whilst my youngest is young.

YABVVU to be annoyed by others decisions when they are nothing to do with you

Xenia · 30/01/2011 10:49

The decisions have a huge impact on toher women society and your own families. Don't kid yourself it's person. It's political. You making a pubilc statement - I am only a girl. I cannot earn anything like my husband can because he is a man. All I am fit to do is childcare and cleaning and some sexual services in bed. Don't pretend it's a personal decision. It has implications for us all.

slightlymad72 · 30/01/2011 10:57

Xenia would you be happy for your taxes to go towards paying for constant care for my daughter, or would you prefer that I stay at home being her carer and costing you nothing?

She goes to university 3 days a week, only because she has support and the will to do it, I could go out to work during those times and become a 'valued' member of society, but finding an employer who would be willing to let me drop everything at the last minute so I could run to her aid, would be impossible, that is not because I am a female, my husband also has never been able to drop things at the last minute to come running to her aid.

sadiesadiemarriedlady · 30/01/2011 11:03

OP, do shut up. Thanks.

sadiesadiemarriedlady · 30/01/2011 11:04

oh yeah Xenia, you too.

lockets · 30/01/2011 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadBanners · 30/01/2011 11:10

Xenia, it is a personal decision, and until very recently, I was the bigger earner, and dh did have a long period of time when he was the sahp..

But that is by the by, I am certainly not going to live my life for other women, for some political agenda!

What does women more of a disservice, is judging them for the choices they make!

It is easier for me to be the stay at home parent, in our family, as I was working shift work, so was out of the house more, and I felt like I was missing out on more. At least once a week I did not see my children for 30 hours or more, dh, due to the nature of his job, always seems them at breakfast and evening.

I also, unlike dh, have the option to do bank work when I want/need to..when I chose, so will still be able to earn, and pay into my pension....for doing less hours, we will be better off as we will not be paying childcare.

RumourOfAHurricane · 30/01/2011 11:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MadBanners · 30/01/2011 11:12

Ohh, and I do not clean...I have a cleaner, that I will be keeping even when I am not working full time..and dh does most of the cooking, so..suppose I am left with providing the sexual services! Woot....better deal for me than I thought!

xstitch · 30/01/2011 11:19

I was at my fatest when working the longest hours and most commuting because I didn't feel I could justify sitting down to a proper meal I lived on mostly crisps and chocolate.

I have been a stupid, pathetic bitch since the day I was born so part time working has nothing to do with it.

Having a full time career does not guarantee financial security if you split. I had a full time career when my XH left. I was laid off a few weeks later. I was told unofficially that a single mother did not really fit with the boss' ethos.

truffleshuffle · 30/01/2011 11:22

xenia what are you on about?
i earned more than my dp when i worked.

it's personal choice/need that's all and naff all to do with politics.

I stay at home a) because I want to and b) because with 3 small children childcare would be a complete nightmare.

It has nothing to do with what society expects me to do and being the good little wife/mother who stays at home to cook and clean. I want to look after my family. I intend to go back to my career in a couple of years when they aren't so small. And when I do I won't be looking down my nose at SAHM's like you are.

MummieHunnie · 30/01/2011 11:25

UABVVU

jellybeans · 30/01/2011 11:37

'Don't pretend it's a personal decision. It has implications for us all.'

It also has implications when people want to make men and women do exactly the same thing (ie paid work) rather than splitting the work/roles between them, if they want. I think equality also means we should be valued for different things as well as the same. Am sick of people, like those awful labour women, who insist working full time and using childcare is what women should/want to do, many do not. It should be a choice.

Xenia, will you answer why it is OK for a man to be a SAHP but not a woman? Nobody ever answers that one...

hifi · 30/01/2011 12:03

i earned more than dh when i met him, this enabled him to leave a job he hated and set up on his own. he turns over a few million now. when the money started to come in he suggested i went part time as i had one weekend in 5 off and often worked 12 to 14 hour days, this impacted our social/home life.
worked part time till kids came along, waiting till youngest is at school them will
do something volantary.

TimeForACHEEKYWineOrTheBottle · 30/01/2011 12:03

Can i just haven't read the whole OP but only read first and last pages as i couldnt read no more because of the arrogance of some posters. Mainly the OP and Xenia

I am 25, i fell pregnant at 20 with my DS1, i went back to work but quit 2 months after i went back after my maternity leave - mainly due to the fact my 6 month old son had to have a bowel operation and have half an inch of his bowel removed. So i quit to stay home to look after him.

When my son was 9 months old i decided to do a hairdressing course but that went out the window due to falling pregnant with DS2.

When he was born i didnt go back to work due to sever post natal depression.

I eventually started a full time job in June 2009 - i loved it at first but towards the end i was hating it. My husband stopped work during this time to become a househusband, in March 2010 he got a job working nights which meant we would need to put our child in childcare, at this time though i had already cut my hours from 40 to 24 as felt guilty leaving them during their early years, i missed DS2 first steps, first word.

They went into child care 3 days a week but the reason i quit to become a stay at home mum now is because it was cost me £62 per day to put them into childcare, i only earnt £50.

so we are not all lazy and cant be bothered, but sometimes we just cannot AFFORD to go to work when child care prices are so fucking high.

so get your facts straight and fuck off.