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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell my nanny she can't take days of for her wedding.

1002 replies

Foreverondiet · 25/01/2011 20:18

Have had same nanny for several years and each year she does some sort of retreat thing in June, 2 weeks. She is allowed 2 weeks holiday when she chooses and the rest when we choose (usually another 4 weeks worth).

Anyway she tells me she is getting married.... I think nothing of it until cleaner says did you know it was in September this year. I ask the nanny and she said, yes she was thinking she's take some unpaid leave. Try to push how much she needs, she wants another couple of weeks. I suggested maybe she wouldn't do the retreat this year but she was almost in tears and said she couldn't believe I wouldn't give her time of for getting married (she's going back home to eastern Europe to get married).

I asked her why she thought it would be ok, as I don't have enough holiday to cover it because we have already committed to go away with DH's parents. And yes I can take unpaid parental leave but this would be very expensive, and leave my boss being a bit annoyed with me.

The reason we have a nanny is that I have 3 DC, aged 4,7 and 9 months and its the only way I can work (full day nursery/childminder for baby plus after school would cost almost the same and this way she looks after older DC if they are ill or during school holidays).

Her wedding is on a Saturday and she works for me Mon/Tues and Thurs so its not as if she HAS to take time off, and if it really was that important to her why does she not cancel the retreat?

OP posts:
Cain · 26/01/2011 21:02

One can stick to the letter of the law and grind along with their employees being left feeling somewhat like assets or one can work with others to reach a mutually acceptable way of working.

OPs nanny has worked with her for 6 years, the op has been happy, the children are happy at what point does this loyal employee earn a little give and take?

I do believe the cleaner has stuck a spanner in the works by grassing up the nanny, for whatever reason. I imagine it was a conversation she wanted to have at a convenient time to be able to discuss as adults.

I suspect the choice to look for another nanny is not the ops to make.

Pie chart notwithstanding. Grin

mathanxiety · 26/01/2011 21:03

Tis very unprofessional of the OP to be listening to tales relayed by the cleaner about the other staff. This does nothing for morale in the household. Poor management there.

And a cleaner who would talk about her fellow employee (and a fellow countrywoman to boot) behind her back is probably regaling her friends all over the place with lots and lots of good stuff about the OP and the state of her home, the behaviour of her children, etc., etc.

Chatelaine - yes, the OP seems to neither know this nanny well, nor care about her life at all. She would probably have heard far more about the wedding plans if she had even feigned interest in her.

The real world is one where not all jobs are equal and if you are a good nanny with a long history with one family, you won't be looking long for your next gig.

Chatelaine · 26/01/2011 21:05

Greenkit: 9 months notice
"how very dare she"... says it all. Hope the nanny enforces her employment rights, because it sounds like they have to be ripped from OP. OP, then I hope she dumps you. Repeat YABU and on the face of it, you have poor people skills.

Laquitar · 26/01/2011 21:06

The 'envy' thing is silly.

Thousands of posters ask questions about nannies/cleaners and don't get flamed (some do because of their comments and not the fact they can afford nannies)

If OP had said something like :'my nanny is going away for 2 weeks, what shall i do?' i bet people would offer support, suggestions, links and info, even ask her where she lives so they can help her. It has happened many times here. Most members are extremely helpful.
They do get sarcastic only when the OP is silly (i.e. nanny gets married on weekend, surely she can fly back and work on tue)

humanheart · 26/01/2011 21:06

i'm sorry I couldn't manage 35 pages - I got to 15 when someone said that maybe she is frightened to approach you OP.

which is what I wondered - you do sound quite horrible,OP, sorry. does your nanny live with you? if so, she has been part of your family (not your office) and loyal for 'a few years' - don't you realise how priceless that is? you also had her in tears - does that happen often? I wonder if she were as selfish as you are suggesting it would have been apparent well before now. she can't be that bad if she has been with you for 'years'.

after all this time I think you need to accommodate her predominantly as a human being than an employee. obviously you must both follow a good structure which is essential and protects you both, but she's getting married, which is a special, unusual event (hopefully). even if it is as you say a small eastern european wedding, it sounds as though you wouldn't be invited anyway, regardless what type of wedding it is; also that you woulnd't be interested to go. that would be quite telling after all this time I think.

MordechaiVanunu · 26/01/2011 21:08

Could we do a pol and ask who took annual leave to get married and who asked for additional unpaid leave on top of their annual leave in order to getbmarried?

I suspect the norm is to use your annual leave which seems entirely reasonable to me.

The only reason so far actually given for not using her own leave is she likes to go on retreat.

Well I like to sit on sun terraces in France and talk cod philosophy with my mates but I don't expect I'm entitled extra leavet to allow me to do this AND get married.

Dittany how utterly ridiculous to state 'so for once she didn't have to fit in with you.' she's her employer not her mate. Most people have to 'fit in' with their employers to ensure that they are at work for thier contracted hours. That hardly seems an unreasonable demand. Has the world gone mad? When she's not at work, for 4 days a week and on leave, she can do what she bloody well likes. When she's supposed to be at work, well she is supposed to be there.

She wants a 'favour' from the OP, it would be nice of the OP to grant it, but it's very odd how people view employment.

eidsvold · 26/01/2011 21:10

as a teacher I was able to take an extra week unpaid leave so I could go home and get married. That week was tacked onto the end of a mid term break. My employers had no hesitation in letting me go home to Aus to get married.

Original poster
Foreverondiet · 26/01/2011 21:10

"I would say it's a shockingly level of sneakiness from the cleaner that the OP heard it from her first rather than the nanny."

I don't think so, she just said something along the lines of "isn't it nice "M" is finally getting married in September" - she had no idea I didn't know.

In terms of the comment about looking after 5 children, my nanny only looks after DS2 during the day (ie in school hours). He is very easy 9 month old who sleeps for almost 3.5 hours out of the school day. I asked her to look after Dnephew (18 months) for one week during the school day to help out SIL - (her nanny quit without any notice), and my nanny basically told SIL that she didn't want to look after her son because he was "difficult" (ie doesn't sleep) - although would do it if she "had to". And now I have to ask SIL to do me favour.

In terms of nanny being ill, she was ill for more than a week in december, DH and I used up holiday.

OP posts:
cruelladepoppins · 26/01/2011 21:11

I worked somewhere where you got "marriage leave" - 5 days I think. Wouldn't be allowed nowadays!

MyBrilliantCareer · 26/01/2011 21:11

I think that quote was being a bit sarcastic, foreveronadiet.

At the end of the day, they're your kids. Stop being uptight and arsy.

eidsvold · 26/01/2011 21:13

as to the date - perhaps her dh only has set time for his leave. My SIL knows her leave years in advance as she is a Fire fighter and they have to make sure the right mix is left at the station so she usually knows at least 2 years in advance what her leave is. So maybe the fiance is restricted in his time off.

Original poster
Foreverondiet · 26/01/2011 21:14

No nanny doesn't live with us, she lives with her boyfriend. In terms of the wedding of course she wouldn't invite us - a childfree wedding, over a weekend in Hungary with her 50 close friends, most of whom are Hungarian/Slovakian.

OP posts:
Cain · 26/01/2011 21:14

In terms of nanny being ill, she was ill for more than a week in december, DH and I used up holiday.

OH Praise the LOrd! So he does know he has children then?

I don't think you have earned any respect from your nanny.

MyBrilliantCareer · 26/01/2011 21:16

You mean she lives with her fiance?!

Laquitar · 26/01/2011 21:17

If you are going to ask sil for her nanny to help then you are not asking sil a favour. You are asking her nanny. And you pay her.

midnightexpress · 26/01/2011 21:17

She might have invited you if you were a bit nicer to her than you sound. I've been to several bosses'/colleagues' weddings over the years. It isn't that unusual to actually get on with people you work with, show an interest in their lives...

dittany · 26/01/2011 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

huddspur · 26/01/2011 21:33

dittany- I don't think you can take the job and then complain about the holiday entitlement after. If you didn't like it then the nanny shouldn't have accepted the position

Portofino · 26/01/2011 21:35

I have to book my summer holidays now. There is a spreadsheet. Parents with school age children get first dibs in the school holiday period (phew - all my colleagues are old Grin).

Some would say that THAT isn't fair. I can request leave, but it doesn't mean they have to grant it....So I would be foolish, wouldn't I, to book my holiday until it is agreed.

MyBrilliantCareer · 26/01/2011 21:35

Yes huddspur,but she's been working there for ages. I doubt she imagined taking time off for her wedding when she started?

It's a one-off (I'd imagine). Most people do get some choice of holiday timing, unless you work in a school or something, but then you get a lot more than 4 weeks.

Limara · 26/01/2011 21:37

strewth, this thread still going on......I'm bored nowGrin
Foreverondiet you heard enough? Made your mind up yet?

It is sounding like you've had issues in the past and these maybe affecting the whole scenario. Like a vehicle of disgruntlement me thinks.

If I were you, I'd have given her the 2 weeks unpaid off. End of.

dittany · 26/01/2011 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Portofino · 26/01/2011 21:37

In fact - it is January, and I have to declare all leave between June and September now. It is allocated according to rules.

huddspur · 26/01/2011 21:41

She's choosing not to because it doesn't suit her interests

ThatVikRinA22 · 26/01/2011 21:44

the op states this nanny has fit in with the op for the last few years taking the majority of her leave when her employer chooses!

i would go ape shit if my employer told me specifically when i could and couldnt take leave that i had earned! she has asked for extra time to get married, thats a one off surely?

what a shame the op cant see the value of her staff. i think this thread is very very sad and if i were the nanny i would be running for the hills (or at least a decent employer)
i think its very very mean spirited at best.

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