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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to find this a bit odd and not sure whether to go now?

133 replies

brokenmarrow · 25/01/2011 12:10

Have been invited to a wedding which will cost about £300 pounds to get there (plus
whatever hotel/B&B costs)

Had assumed we would be invited because dh is paying rather a lot to go on stag weekend.

Got email to say there is no room for the meal so we would be invited to the ceremony and speeches then put on a bus and taken to a restaurant , presumably while the rest of the guests stay (not sure if we then pay for our own dinner or not ?)

and then the bus will bring us back for the
disco etc..

i would love to go to see other friends who are also travelling in but ?would be a bit when we had to make an exit thereby marking us out as less important guests than them?

wwyd?

OP posts:

Unrulysun · 25/01/2011 22:44

This happened to some friends of ours. They didn't realise until they looked at the seating plan and couldn't find themselves.

When they asked someone they got shown into another bar in the hotel with some other substandard guests - I think there were 6 of them in all.

The bar was on the way to the toilets so every so often the doorwould open and they would hear the gales of laughter from the main room where everoyone was having a whale of a time.

The hotel was in the middle of nowhere and they were starving (well they'd thought they were getting lunch :) ) so they asked the hotel if they could get something to eat and the barman said they'd normally do food but....they had a wedding on

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/01/2011 22:48

I don't think I'd want to go either... sounds like there's an 'A List' and a 'Z List'...

Lamorna · 25/01/2011 22:49

Just make polite excuses and don't go. It is mad!

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 25/01/2011 22:52

Dansmommy - I do think that often it's a case of how you look at things

Although not in all cases - only sending a few guests 'away' in between is unforgiveable, or as per Unrulysun... that's horrible!

DitaVonCheese · 25/01/2011 22:54

Agree with SGB that it's slightly different if everyone is local. Plus B-listing colleagues is fine, colleagues know they're B-list anyway

Is this wedding abroad? If so I also think that's worse - "you're important enough to spend x amount on flights/take time off work, but don't think we'll be buying you dinner when you get here"

I did go to one wedding with a massive gap - ceremony at 11 then rest of the day some time in the afternoon - but that was because the whole thing was booked at the last minute and it was the only slot the registrars had left. We were also told that we didn't have to go to the ceremony if we didn't want to. Anyway, we all had a drink and then went and had a nice lie-down for a couple of hours between ceremony and reception, which was lovely and far better than drinking all bloody day like you usually do at weddings. God I'm old

NonnoMum · 25/01/2011 22:57

Let the B and G know that if they can't afford to have everyone for a meal, then they should make the whole wedding a more simple affair.

Ceremony, then tea and cake afterwards for all.

End of.

All this spending money on elaborate stag dos etc is just a joke.

starfishmummy · 25/01/2011 23:23

We've been to just the evenings for a few weddings. At one the "all day guests" were in the main room and there was no extra seating so the "evening gusets" were all stuck out in the bar area; we might just as well have gone to the pub.

Went to another where my brother got an invite to the whole thing but his partner was only invited to the evening (and I think we were only invioted to give her a lift as it was the middle of nowhere!). n Very odd. I think if i'd been them I wouldn't have gone!

marcopront · 26/01/2011 04:27

It isn't the same as being told you're invited to the ceremony then go and amuse yourself for a few hours. They are laying on a bus and taking them to a restaurant. If it is a bus then
a) there must be quite a few people
b) that is costing the bride and groom something.

I still think the OP needs to find out more.

mathanxiety · 26/01/2011 04:43

If they're forking out for the bus and the restaurant then why not for the main event? But basically, why not just ask the number of guests you can actually afford to feed and spend your whole happy day with? People lose their minds over weddings...

BaggedandTagged · 26/01/2011 04:56

I think this is only okay to do if

the meal is literally family only- i.e. very small
The guests who aren't invited to the meal live locally so can go home in between ceremony and evening bash.
You have v few or no friends who have to travel very far for an evening only invite (i.e. less than an hour each way)

Personally I was in favour of everyone comes for everything, and we chose a venue that accommodated that within our budget- eschewed the stately home with dinner at £50/head and corkage of £20 a head in favour of lovely country barn with no corkage (I was a Majestic wine offers 'ho) and a hog roast.

swanandduck · 26/01/2011 09:33

I am astounded at some of the stories of rude B&Gs on here. Truly astounded . Particularly the idiots who thought it would be okay to leave one couple out of the reception and the other idiots who showed half a dozen guests to the bar with no food available. On what level did these rude people think that behaviour was acceptable??

Re the evening do thing - I think it's okay to ask the work gang or the guys from the cricket club or all the cousins to the 'afters'. I don't really think it works when you invite, say, one set of neighbours to the full event and the other to the evening only. I have only ever been invited to one evening do where I actually felt insulted and that I should have been at the full event. Other than that it's always been as part of a group.

oopslateagain · 26/01/2011 09:49

At our wedding we invited those we could afford to 'feed' to the whole day. Everyone else got an evening invite but we told them all informally where the church was and what time, quite a lot of the 'local' friends did turn up at the church to see us getting married and then came back for the evening. Very very odd to get an invite for church + evening but NOT the meal...

But we did have one American couple who we invited for the whole day, they came out of the church and were apparently asking around our friends if there was somewhere they could go for a meal, they didn't actually expect a meal to be provided. Are the b&g foreign, maybe from somewhere where they have different traditions?

StuffingGoldBrass · 26/01/2011 10:33

My brother and SIL had an evening-only list which was basically their respective workmates and the mob from their Tai Kwondo class joining family and a handful of lifelong mates who'd been to the whole day - but this was Southeast London with everyone on that list (and most of family actually) a cab ride away. I don't think any feelings were hurt.

OhCobblers · 26/01/2011 12:41

i'm beyond amazed at some of the insensitive and rude behaviour displayed by some B&Gs about a reception meal.

in OP's case its even worse if the men going on the stag weekend aren't invited to the whole thing as one would assume that those particular guys are very close friends of the groom?

its slightly passed me by that the venue is abroad so i would have assumed that you're the people who do get to go to "everything". the fact that a bus has been mentioned, to me, means that a load of you (maybe the "young ones") are going on the bus. but not explaining who is paying for what, ie, your meal is rather confusing.

definitely need to ask for more info .... and of course report back

kenobi · 26/01/2011 12:47

I know someone who did this to save on costs, and there was an A list and a B list, the B-list being those who had to feed themselves elsewhere then return. I am very fond of her but it didn't work.

Unsurprisingly very few people returned for the disco. They made their point by buggering off home/ back to hotel/ created their own party.

I suppose at least your friend is offering another restaurant. < grasping at straws >

Greeninkmama · 26/01/2011 13:05

My DCs and I - but not my DH - were invited to a new-age wedding and naming ceremony in the country. The bride had invited a few of us because we had known her since the pregnancy days and she wanted us there for her DD's sake.

I don't drive and the other women I knew were going wouldn't give me a lift for slightly odd reasons (one wanted to drive around to get her DD off for a nap, and the other was going with her DP who was then going to walk around the country while she was at the wedding). When the bride heard I couldn't get there, she insisted it was fine to bring my DH, absolutely insisted - and as I couldn't think of an excuse I agreed to go.

The ceremony was pretty toe-curling (lots of dancing round in circles and jumping over broomsticks, which DH can't bear). The DDs couldn't actually remember each other because we hadn't seen them for six months or so. And the bride totally blanked my DH (she spoke to me for five minutes while he was standing there and wouldn't even make eye contact).

Then the whole wedding party except for us three mums and our DCs went off for a lovely lunch while we had to slink off.

It was really awkward and embarrassing - and my DH still hasn't forgiven me for making him go!

kenobi · 26/01/2011 13:14

Greeninkmama - that sounds as excruciating as a colleague's wedding I went to. I was single so had to go by myself, then found out no-one else from the company had gone. My colleague barely said hello and didn't introduce me to anyone, so I had to eat my buffet supper sitting alooooone. I left about 10 mins after.

I had planned to camp but thought screw it and drove back to London from Rutland, having driven up only four hours before.

Worst party ever.

Original poster

brokenmarrow · 26/01/2011 16:49

so far 1 other couple (who had the bride and groom at their full wedding including 4 course meal !) and 1 other friend are known to be in the reject list.

the wedding is not abroad but at the complete other end of the country iyswim am afraid to give too many details in case someone recognises it in real life

OP posts:

OhCobblers · 26/01/2011 17:47

brokenmarrow do you think the "bus" they're laying on is a "mini bus", ie, an 8 seater or similar??? If it was a normal sized bus then you're looking at a lot more people not going to the reception.

travelling to the other side of the country for a wedding where you go to the service and then get "sent off" to have a meal that you may or may not be paying for yourselves is unreal!!!

DitaVonCheese · 26/01/2011 18:56

We neeeeeed info on whether you have to pay for your own meal

BlueCollie · 26/01/2011 19:16

I went to a wedding where I was only invited to the ceremony and then the evening. TBH it didn't bother me as I fully understand that some people want a posh venue where they can't afford to have everyone sit down for a meal. Some brides just have a set idea about what they want and won't relax that due to numbers and whether they can afford it. I also find most of the sit down stuff rather longwinded anyway and get bored LOL.
I'd feel a bit miffed about being bussed out though. Why don't you ask a few more questions about it? Like who else is on bus and what type of restaurant.
My wedding had 200 people with a buffet done by army caterers and buckets of booze. Nothing fancy and by far the best wedding I have been to

Arneb · 26/01/2011 20:36

starfishmummy
Went to another where my brother got an invite to the whole thing but his partner was only invited to the evening

This happened to me as well (DH is an only DC). We booked a hotel in middle of no-where and I ended up sat in a hotel room by myself, as we did not drive,feeling very crap all afternoon and felt unwanted at the evening do. Really wished I had not gone and wasted so much money and time and I got impression they were not bothered I had made the effort. DH had a good time though.

Same friends years later had a fit as DH and me could not attend a reunion party they organised. The reasons - done big move days earlier, new job,very new baby, disorganise and upset toddler and me suffering from mastitis unable to access medical treatment and a very long journey to them and back. Apparently it was all down to me being selfish - should have taken the wedding thing as a big alarm they just liked DH and did not want me round.

OP if you do make an effort there is no saying that the bride and groom will notice or appreciate it as they will be having a busy day. See what mutual friends are doing and if you can not see them much on day decline and do something more fun with your own family.

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 26/01/2011 21:22

Oh, this gets better! Greeninkmama - at least you & dh can have a good laugh about it. Have to say I think Aneb and SFN's SIL have to get the prizes so far for most ghastly experiences...

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 26/01/2011 21:23

Arneb & SFM's

KangarooCaught · 26/01/2011 21:46

Had a irrationally bonkers friend/colleague who pointedly didn't invite me to her hen night and just to the evening do of her extravaganza wedding (gutted to have missed the Morris dancers, chimney sweep and the close magician ) who then monopolised my attention for an hour and a half in the evening to tell me about her award winning dress designer, the food they'd just eaten etc... I was saved by the musical fireworks.

At our subsequent wedding we invited people all day and also to stay overnight if they wanted. I found out from the housekeeper the following morning she'd helpfully loaded up some of the wedding presents in her car and taken them to our house, she then stayed 3 hours and had the guided tour

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