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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find this a bit odd and not sure whether to go now?

133 replies

brokenmarrow · 25/01/2011 12:10

Have been invited to a wedding which will cost about £300 pounds to get there (plus
whatever hotel/B&B costs)

Had assumed we would be invited because dh is paying rather a lot to go on stag weekend.

Got email to say there is no room for the meal so we would be invited to the ceremony and speeches then put on a bus and taken to a restaurant , presumably while the rest of the guests stay (not sure if we then pay for our own dinner or not ?)

and then the bus will bring us back for the
disco etc..

i would love to go to see other friends who are also travelling in but ?would be a bit Blush when we had to make an exit thereby marking us out as less important guests than them?

wwyd?

OP posts:
JustKeepSwimming · 25/01/2011 17:47

I agree, two-tier is not a great idea, i personally think it's rude, though lots of people try to defend their choices, fine, but i will still think it's rude.

I won't go to another evening do (unless Kate decides she needs more bods on the dance floor, lol!).

I mean a few extra chairs wouldn't have gone amiss surely, just so we had somewhere to sit fgs. Luckily one table got up to dance early on so we nabbed their table & seats.

Really don't think the bride had thought about us lot at all; arrange childcare (we met through ante-natal, her kids were allowed but no-one elses) for a Sun evening when lots of us work on Mondays, miss out on evening meal for the sake of feeling like lemons and a few crackers. Never again.

DuelingFanjo · 25/01/2011 17:57

it is only rude if they have preciously invited you and then changed the invite.

you have made an assumption based upon the fact that your husband is going to the stag do but it sounds like it was never a given that you were going to be invited to what sounds like the reception meal.

When I married we invited people to the ceremony but only took close family and very best friends for a meal. In the evening everyone came to a party with buffet and wine.

DuelingFanjo · 25/01/2011 17:59

oh, and we saved all the speeches and thank yous for the evening bit.

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 25/01/2011 18:07

YANBU - this is extremeley rude. We were invited to one such in Brighton (we live in London) - Obv Brighton a lovely plave to spend an afternoon - esp if it had been summer, but would have been about 5 hours, in March, so we could have perhaps? managed lunch then say cinema Hmm. I didn't want to go at all, dh persuaded me to go to the ceremony, and decline the evening. if it happened mow, I would graciosuly decline the whole thing.

StuffingGoldBrass · 25/01/2011 18:16

I think it's rude and thoughtless to expect people to hang around for hours between ceremony and disco if they have come a long way. But I don't think it's that rude to invite work colleagues etc just for the evening bash when everyone lives locally and it's not that much of an inconvenience for them. For some people the reception etc is the part where they have a meal and do the polite thing with all the aunties and grannies, the evening bash is more for friends and fun.

blinder · 25/01/2011 18:43

Personally, I wouldn't be offended by this.

It's a wedding abroad. Not everyone can be accommodated at the meal so they are ensuring that you are comfortably and conveniently situated elsewhere.

I think weddings abroad are a big ask of the guests but clearly they are inviting everyone they like, even though they can't feed you all.

In your place I'd be glad to miss the speeches and return for the party. All gain, no pain Grin!

lisianthus · 25/01/2011 19:04

I'd be particularly insulted given that it's a wedding abroad.

They think you are so desperate for friends that you will spend a fortune gong to their wedding (and presumably use annual leave too) and will even put up with being clearly marked out as B list friends as they are really, reeeelly cool. How very high school.

Astoundingly rude. If you have gone to all that effort to come, you should definitely be invited to the whole thing.

Mind you I am in the camp of those who find the a list and b list thing at weddings repulsive. You invite people to everything or not at all.

lisianthus · 25/01/2011 19:06

And WTF is this business of not being able to accommodate the numbers? If you book the venue first you invite the number of people it can accommodate. Otherwise, you fins a venue which can accommodate everyone you have invited.

BuzzLightBeer · 25/01/2011 19:09

two-tier weddings are perfectly fine in many places. In Ireland its quite standard to ahve some people to the ceremony and lunch and then a lot more to the afters, its not an insult at all.

This is not that though, this is very rude. And if its far away, y ou should be there for the whole thing.

warthog · 25/01/2011 19:16

i know 2-tiered weddings are acceptable, but not in MY book.

how can you say to guests that some are good enough for this but not for that.

absolutely awful.

Ladyofthehousespeaking · 25/01/2011 19:16

Oh god!
Nonononono...

Yanbu

wyorksmum · 25/01/2011 19:19

Don't go. spend the 300 on you and your partner on a nice holiday together! Create some excuse if it makes you feel better.

BuzzLightBeer · 25/01/2011 19:27

Er, because its traditional to do that? I had 26 people at my wedding and lunch. Then I had 150 to the afters, with food and music and the cake. Its perfectly normal where I am, and nothing at all to do with how "good" people are.

lochnessmumster · 25/01/2011 19:32

Don't go and be sure to tell them why.

TastesLikePanda · 25/01/2011 19:42

DH and I went to a wedding a bit like this where we found out we were the only people of the entire wedding crowd who were not invited back to the meal, but had to bugger off amuse ourselves for 5 hours until the reception which was also in the middle of nowhere. We knew before hand that we were not going to the meal as it was 'family only' and that didn't bother us at all but assumed incorrectly that the several other mutual friend couples that we knoew were going were in the same boat as us and we figured we would all find a nice restaurant together and spend the afternoon yapping.
Oh how I cried that afternoon when literally everyone else piled into the mini bus ...

OhCobblers · 25/01/2011 19:49

TastesLikePanda you absolutely should have buggered off and done your own thing and not gone to the evening do.

words absolutely fail me : 2 people out of the whole party - just astounded at not just the rudeness but such insensitivity Shock

jester68 · 25/01/2011 19:50

We have this with my brothers wedding later this year. The ceremony is at 11am. Evening do starts at 7pm. Apparantly there is a relative who said we can have lunch at her house but then what are we supposed to do for the other hours with 2 young children? looks like we will have to go back home just to go back for the evening do which means double the amount of travelling and double the cost of petrol. Least we can have a nap and freshen up for the evening do (grin)

jester68 · 25/01/2011 19:51
Grin
TastesLikePanda · 25/01/2011 19:52

Oh cobblers - that's exactly what we did. Treated ourselves to a fry-up in our local greasy spoon then went home and watched dvds all evening!

OhCobblers · 25/01/2011 19:56

jester68 what are the bridal party and parents of bride and groom doing in that time??!!

alicet · 25/01/2011 20:04

We did the evening do thing for our wedding. (although evening guests weren't invited to ceremony so no hanging around)

In retrospect I don't know why we bothered. Only about 8 extra guests came (about 4 cancelled on the day because not well) and we paid about 1.5k for the evening food that the venue said we had to provide for everyone there. It would have been cheaper to invite the 8 to the whole thing and just ahve a later ceremony so the one meal sufficed! I didn't get any of the cheese for the evening guests anyway! (Oh and we made it clearwith evening invite that it wasn't a meal but a snack).

Ho hum.

OP YANBU to decide not to go - I think it is phenomenally rude to invite someone to an expensive stag and not invite them to the wedding. Yes it isn't a ticket but I personally wouldn't want to spend the money (or time which is almost more valuable now with 2 small children) with someone who didn't think I was a close enough friend to go see them get married

FudgeGirl · 25/01/2011 20:19

I've been invited to two weddings like this.

Just found it odd really. For the first, we went to the ceremony, then had to go home while "close family and friends" went for a meal at the reception venue, and then the rest of the guests rocked up there later on for the buffet (bloody miles between the venue and reception as well).

Second one we decided to only go to the evening do as I wasn't going to waste a whole Saturday twiddling my thumbs waiting to go to the reception at 6pm having been to the ceremony at 10am.

When we get married, we'll have a late ceremony and an evening reception - no uncomfortable sit down lunch (excluding guests!) in between and it means the evening food won't be wasted like it usually always is.

Went to a wedding in September, three course meal finished at 5pm and they were putting the evening food our at half six - and I think my friend only invited an extra 40 to the evening do! So the vast majority of people wouldn't have eaten in the evening anyway because they were full from lunch. Such a waste!

rupert1 · 25/01/2011 20:34

Sounds quite OK to me what a great day out.However i,hope there marriage crumbles in just a few days.

Dansmommy · 25/01/2011 20:36

I went to a wedding with a 'gap',but it was done very nicely. It was a colleague. Everyone went to the church, then we had tea and cake in the church hall. Family then went to the venue for a formal meal, whilst a group of us went for a pub meal. We then headed over to the main venue for the evening do.
It was lovely. I think it depends how it's done...it didn't feel like 'You're not important enough for the meal' more like 'You're special enough for the church' iyswim.

porcamiseria · 25/01/2011 21:27

fuck that for a game of soldiers, TRIM, I would not go