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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find this a bit odd and not sure whether to go now?

133 replies

brokenmarrow · 25/01/2011 12:10

Have been invited to a wedding which will cost about £300 pounds to get there (plus
whatever hotel/B&B costs)

Had assumed we would be invited because dh is paying rather a lot to go on stag weekend.

Got email to say there is no room for the meal so we would be invited to the ceremony and speeches then put on a bus and taken to a restaurant , presumably while the rest of the guests stay (not sure if we then pay for our own dinner or not ?)

and then the bus will bring us back for the
disco etc..

i would love to go to see other friends who are also travelling in but ?would be a bit Blush when we had to make an exit thereby marking us out as less important guests than them?

wwyd?

OP posts:
deaconblue · 25/01/2011 14:02

huh no way would I go to this. How rude.

Tolalola · 25/01/2011 14:02

Again, agreeing with swanandduck on this one Blush.

I've been to my fair share of posh, massive church, stately-home style weddings, but one wedding that stands out as most fun was one where we all went off to the registry office about lunch time and then everyone decamped to the pub for lunch, piss up and dancing for the rest of the afternoon.

Everyone got the train home in the evening, so no need for hotels, no-one (including the b&g) broke their budget going, so no-one was expecting the world or feeling resentful.

It was lovely, and ALL their friends were there.

BitOfFun · 25/01/2011 14:03

I can't imagine they are paying for the restaurant meal, otherwise they'd pay for you to eat with them at the wedding breakfast- there wouldn't be any money to be saved there...unless by "restaurant" they mean McDonalds...

fatpantsandgladrags · 25/01/2011 14:05

Very odd and very rude. I don't think I would go.

kerala · 25/01/2011 14:17

My poor parents drove 4 hours to be B list guests. The couple had laid on a buffet for the evening only crowd but the A list had scoffed it all before they could get any. They had to get a Macdonalds on the way home and both got food poisoning. Think if people do go down this route they need to be very careful not to offend. Inviting a crowd of local work mates as the evening group - fine. Inviting elderly long distance relatives - less so Grin.

swanandduck · 25/01/2011 14:18

Great minds Tolalola Smile

DitaVonCheese · 25/01/2011 14:59

YANBU. Agree with ChippingIn, what they actually mean/should have said is that you're B-list evening guests and can come to the ceremony if you want, except they've assumed that you'll want to go to the ceremony. Would be amazed if they pay for your meal, I think the whole point is to avoid this (but they think the bus makes them look generous/thoughtful). Whether I would go would depend entirely on how far it was/cost to get there. Wouldn't be going on the expensive hen/stag.

This also happened to a friend of mine, only with no previous warning at all - he (and a massive group of uni friends) drove seven hours to a wedding in the wilds of Wales only to find that half of them weren't invited to the meal (he said it divided neatly into couples welcome, singles not) and were supposed to entertain themselves for a few hours until the disco kicked off, except there were no other options in town apart from McDonalds. Nice!

Original poster
brokenmarrow · 25/01/2011 15:59

unfortunately dh has already paid for expensive stag weekend ( and to be fair for the men this seems almost more important than the wedding these days ! )

we have to fly to get there and it would mean a nice weekend away for us without ds but there are a few going who i know would look down on us as the outcasts !

OP posts:
LouMacca · 25/01/2011 16:28

YANBU.

There have been so many wedding threads on AIBU but this one really takes the Biscuit

Bad manners doesn't even cover it.

Shock at coatgate Did the parents go back to their house with you or to the Golf Club??

TragicallyHip · 25/01/2011 16:29

No I wouldn't go. How weird and rude [bhmm]

MsKLo · 25/01/2011 16:32

Rude rude rude!

Do not go!

thumbdabwitch · 25/01/2011 16:37

swarski - just wanted to say that the small meal your wedding example had may have been more for the father's comfort than anyone else's - large crowds and noise may have upset and confused him, as can happen with Alzheimer's patients.

brokenmarrow - depending on who else is going on the bus, and what your DH thinks about it all, it might be ok. It's a bloody funny way to go about it - and especially not telling you whether or not you have to pay for the restaurant (actually, I'd get DH to ring up to ask about that bit because you'll need to factor it into the budget)

I have been to one wedding where I was asked to the ceremony - because I was part of the choir of friends - and then to the evening do so I had to go and entertain myself for the intervening 4 hours. Luckily I had friends who lived locally, who were happy to see me for that time - but if it had been a long way/expensive travel I think I would have told them where to stick it declined the invitation.

Honeybee79 · 25/01/2011 16:38

Very rude. I wouldn't go.

wonderstuff · 25/01/2011 16:45

V. odd and v. rude
It seems that some people have lost sight of what weddings are about? I did mine on a shoestring and it was about having everyone together to celebrate with me - not about expensive food and wine and a fabulous venue - all that is nice, but not as important as who is there.

marcopront · 25/01/2011 16:48

I'm going to disagree with everyone else.

It does seem rude but I think needs investigating.

My idea is they want you at the wedding, but the reception will be full of old fogie relatives and they will send all the friends off to a restaurant together to have a good gossip. Then you go back together for the disco and the b and g can catch up with you without worrying about the great aunts.

JustKeepSwimming · 25/01/2011 16:50

V weird & rude i think.

Was invited to similar, but no bus.
Dh and I went to church wedding, then wandered around a tiny village wondering what to do with ourselves, bought some food, then decided sod it, and went home.

Also invited to the evening do recently, my first (& only i think!) evening only invite i've accepted.
We had to be there at 6.30pm, got there, the speeches were still going so we were escorted to a side room to wait Hmm
then told we could go in, no extra chairs/seating so we stood like lemons at the (overpriced) bar.
Eventually a 'buffet' (given none of us would have eaten, except i did as pg and had an idea there wouldn't be much) consisting of cheese, pate & crackers.
If the bride had thought for a second (not her job i know) she would have seen that i'd have some cheddar & crackers for my dinner. Lovely, not.
We all left quite early, i was the driver and it was a Sun night with most of the rest of the group working Mon morning. Was a weird event and made me realise i won't bother at all next time, just card & gift and save myself the effort.

sorry off topic rant there!

TallulahDoesTheHula · 25/01/2011 16:53

SIL did this, I did think it was v odd at the time but being family and one of the few allowed to stay to the middle bit I didnt say anything Grin

If you and DH want to go on a weekend away and you will have other friends on the 'reject bus' I expect you'll actually ahve a right laugh and will probably have a roaring time at the restaurant gently taking the piss out the bride and groom for chucking you all out of half of the wedding tbh, so I'd still go and enjoy it, despite it being rude of them.

If you're not keen on going anyway then this is an excelllent excuse to say no thanks.

ivykaty44 · 25/01/2011 16:54

so what exactly are you being not invited to? A meal in a restarant, you then pay for the meal but don't get to choose the venue for a not wedding whilst others go to the wedding ceromony and then go to the wedding reception.

Then later on you get to go to a disco at the end of the wedding reception?

Do they need extra presents? people to dance at the disco to make up numbers?

StuffingGoldBrass · 25/01/2011 16:57

I think Marcopront may have the answer.

Ephiny · 25/01/2011 16:58

I do think that's very odd, I guess they're trying to avoid doing the (also rude but quite common these days) thing of inviting people to the ceremony and evening party but then kicking them out for a few hours to fend for themselves while the elite group of guests eat their meal. The bus thing is really odd though, they're trying to have it both ways and it doesn't work IMO.

£300 plus hotel and restaurant meal is a lot to pay to go to a wedding, I probably wouldn't go for that reason (unless it was someone close like a sibling or best friend, in which case I'd expect not to be kicked out in the middle!)

lololizzy · 25/01/2011 17:23

this happened to some friends of mine. They had to bugger off for a few hrs so went to the cinema! whilst other friends and i stayed on. They rejoined us for eve do. i really felt for them. i wouldnt have gone at all in their shoes. it just says, you're not so important..it's very rude.

sb6699 · 25/01/2011 17:23

Have any of your friends got back to you yet about being on the bus?

I am genuinely curious as to what explanation they have been given and whether they are happy with it.

LadySanders · 25/01/2011 17:30

i don't even go to weddings if they're 'evening only' invites as i think even that is pretty rude...

lololizzy · 25/01/2011 17:32

yes it is LadySanders. i used to but won't any more..ie you can't come to wedding but we need to make up the evening numbers so the dance floor looks full..

pointissima · 25/01/2011 17:33

Two tier weddings are inherently rude. There's nothing wrong with only being able to afford a small wedding but all guests invited should be invited to the whole thing

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