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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let ex talk to children on the phone?

81 replies

FreeBards · 20/01/2011 23:31

Long story short: Been divorced for four years. Kids are six and nine years old. I'm in my 30s, ex in his 40s.

Ex has always dictated when he sees our children and before Christmas he was having them two nights a week plus every other w/e.

Three weeks ago he told me he's going to be "based" at his gf's house over an hr away and will only see kids every other w/e - approx four nights a month (but share holidays too). I work every day, part-time so I can do the school run. He's a full time art student and moved Uni to another city last summer to be nearer gf. Doesn't pay maintenance due to being a student which really annoys me if I am honest. He goes away a lot and drives a newish range rover, wears designer clothes, but won't buy kids new shoes. You know the type. Lovely husband, terrible ex.

I honestly don't mind. We get on better when we have less contact. I was looking forward to the 'new arrangement' starting and having a break from him myself!

BUT because he's seeing them less he has been phoning them more. This week he rang or texted my mobile every day. He spoke to them twice on Sunday. I removed the batteries from the phone when he rang Monday.

(OK, this is where I need the reality AIBU check from very honest internet strangers)

He texted me to say he was trying to call. I ignored it. I have ignored his calls and texts all week, but I have told the children he rang and asked if they wanted to call him (no, they'd see him Friday, thanks) today after another missed call on my mobile I got a text saying he was worried because he'd been trying to call the kids all week. I replied to let him know all was fine; he's seeing them tomorrow. (AIBU?)

I don't want him to phone or text. If he's not going to see the children in the week and they are fine about not speaking to him (I have been very clear with them that they can call him any time) I don't see why he should infringe on my time. (AIBU?)

He hasn't suggested making an alternative 'phone' arrangement and goddamnit years on I'm tired of being the one to bring everything up. (AIBU?)

My eldest has a mobile which I gave her two years ago and I call/text them on that when they're with him.

I don't know. Partly I do worry I am being a massive bitch BUT another part of me feels like I am finally having some control over something and can ignore, or (ahem) miss, his calls. HE will think I am being unreasonable.

But am I?

Argh! Help!

I'm brand spanking new to this online lark so you can be as harsh as you like.

OP posts:
gordyslovesheep · 20/01/2011 23:33

pick your battles wisely - I can see why you are frustrated BUT would YOU not want to talk to them daily?

Be thankful he's not like mine - who comes here every day morning and night !

freshmint · 20/01/2011 23:34

I think you are being unfair

He had lots of contact, he now has less. He must be missing them like crazy

It is really important for them to have a good relationship with him

I can see it is annoying on your phone, but you could either
(a) tell him to call the eldest's phone or
(b) tell him that he is clogging up your phone and if he'd like to buy both of them phones he can talk to them as much as he likes

either way if the kids don't want to talk to him that is their decision and they are the ones not picking up, not you

I think you know that's the case. It is lovely that he is so keen on the kids even if he doesn't buy them shoes...

Slambang · 20/01/2011 23:37

Sounds like he's an arsehole but sorry I think yabu.

Just cos he's crap as a dad don't add to his crapiness by reducing his contact - sounds a dangerous game to play.

mutznutz · 20/01/2011 23:37

Jesus what's wrong with him wanting to speak to his kids/text them when he's not with them?

Sorry I don't understand? If you were the parent without custody would you not want to speak to/contact your kids every day?

I know I would...if only to say 'goodnight, sweet dreams, I love you'???

reddaisy · 20/01/2011 23:38

You are being outrageously unfair. He is their father and they have a right to have contact with him and you should facilitate that as much as possible.

The other issues, such as no maintenance, you need to address and don't take your irritation with him out on the children. But, that being said if his calls are disrupted then organise them daily if he wants at a rough time to suit you/the children.

AuntiePickleBottom · 20/01/2011 23:39

allow the contact via phone but suggest a time where it does not clash as meal, edtime, school work ect

reddaisy · 20/01/2011 23:40

And your children won't thank you if they feel you are coming between them and their dad.

My dad died when I was little and I would have given ANYTHING for a phonecall from him so it really pisses me off when women come between such an important relationship.

bubblewrapped · 20/01/2011 23:42

Would it not be easier all round to arrange a time ie 5pm each night for him to call them, rather than create problems.

Mssoul · 20/01/2011 23:50

My dd1's dad calls to speak to her (teenager) quite a lot. Sometimes she's delighted and sometimes she is 'in the bath', 'out with friends' or some such excuse. Anything for a quiet life I say as I have tried to encourage a regular time and day and he does as he pleases. He works away a lot so she is so used to not hearing from him for a while and sometimes she can't face an out of the blue call - it knocks her off kilter. Frankly, though, I'd prefer they just had a chat and let me stay out of it. I can't see what you or the kids have to gain from not letting him chat to his children?

Maintainance... You should get some help with the cost of brining up your (shared) kids from their Dad. For that, he is a shit.

Art student driving a Range Rover...?! WTF?

TheEvilDead2 · 20/01/2011 23:50

If they don't want to chat with him there isn't much the OP can do about it. Just let him ring them directly on their own mobiles.

sjm123 · 20/01/2011 23:51

You are being unfair.

Things between my ex and I are incredibly strained, and he's not even their biological father though they think of him dad and love him very much. I am really glad he rings and speaks to them every evening and sends a good morning text for them both to my son's phone in the morning. It makes them feel like he's thinking of them even though he's not with them and cares about them.

From my own selfish point of view I'd like it if he dropped off the face of the planet, but no matter how bad things have got between us (and it's very bad, he's a manipulative, lying swine that got violent the night we split) I wouldn't get in the way of it because I know it's good for my children.

I know it's very hard though, and I completely understand wanting to stop it. But you really shouldn't.

solo · 20/01/2011 23:56

But the OP asked the Dc's if they wanted to speak to their father and they said no as they're seeing him on Friday.
How old are your Dc's FreeBards? I'm assuming they are old enough to decide this themselves?

Original poster
FreeBards · 20/01/2011 23:59

Thank you. I needed that. While I am inclined to nod to the comments agreeing I do appreciate that I really might be being unfair.

He has a flat 20 mins away from me and was at college here, he's moved away by choice (he didn't even tell me he was transferring courses to another city, he ever discuses anything before hand) and that's his choice.

BUT yes, he's their dad and not a bad man (just a crap one at times) I will ask him to call their phone or suggest he buy them one (lead balloon) and I will speak to him about calling at certain times (8am on Sunday was a bit much).

Although it would have been great if he could have suggested it! Grin He used to see them more but never called, even if he went away for a week or two, I think that's why it's getting on my nerves so much. And it's new.

I really appreciate the blunt comments though, thank you.

OP posts:
sjm123 · 21/01/2011 00:00

6 and 9 she says in the OP.

Mine are 10 and 12 and if they didn't want to speak to him I'd tell him that.

That's what I get for skim reading I suppose Blush

cestlavielife · 21/01/2011 00:03

he calls, put the pone on loudspeaker, call out to the Dc - hey its dad who wants to chatt?

let him hear them saying "busy now see you friday" or whatever.

or let DC pick up the phone.
or pick it up put on speaker and place next to nearest child saying "hey it's dad for you"

solo · 21/01/2011 00:03

Ah yes, thanks sjm, I was looking for numbers, not words iyswim.

Original poster
FreeBards · 21/01/2011 00:03

They are 9 years old and six years old and they said they didn't want to speak to him.

I told them both he had tried to ring and said they could phone him any time.

But yes, I removed the batteries after he spoke to them twice the day before and have been ignoring his texts/calls, but not while they've been sat in front of me or anything. idk.

It's not been a good week but hearing from him makes me tense. Does that make sense? I know I could get sympathy if I posted in lone parents, but I wanted a reality check.

OP posts:
sjm123 · 21/01/2011 00:05

I can understand that. I don't actually speak to my ex at all, he'll text me to say he's ringing and I'll let one of my kids answer it.

shimmerysilverglitter · 21/01/2011 00:06

I think YABU. I would be furious if my ex did this and I couldnt speak to my dc.

Not unreasonable to not want to field the calls though. Like you say tell them he has to call on their phone. My ds has a mobile for exactly this situation.

solo · 21/01/2011 00:06

I get tense when my Dd's father texts or rings too FreeBards. It makes me feel physically ill. You are not alone there.

Original poster
FreeBards · 21/01/2011 00:07

They do get on with him and he's the sort of take-them-to-the-zoo fun dad but they do prefer being with me. It's just I've never had any control over this kind of thing before and now he's seeing them less I was relieved I would see him less, not hear from him all the time. Ugh. I know it sounds awful. Even writing it out does. Selfish.

But it's helpful too, this, and your comments are very well received.

Thank you so much for replying.

OP posts:
Original poster
FreeBards · 21/01/2011 00:08

Thank you Solo. Power of the internet - you are not alone. Yes, I have felt ill too. Even though I'm strong.

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 21/01/2011 00:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ChasingSquirrels · 21/01/2011 00:11

I hand the phone to my 8yo saying "it is your dad" and let him answer. He never says (when the phone is ringing) "I don't want to speak to him", although he will sometimes say when asked if he wants to speak to him "no, I'll see him xyz".
If it is interrupting activities you are undertaking I would text him to say "we are busy at the moment, I'll get them to call you at x o'clock" - and DO that.
Otherwise, I would put the ringing phone into their hand and let them answer it.

Original poster
FreeBards · 21/01/2011 00:13

I know it's very hard though, and I completely understand wanting to stop it. But you really shouldn't.

OK, thanks. It's been the first two weeks of the new arrangement. And he chatted to them last week and the w/e only hasn't for 4 days and he's gone WAYYYY longer without contact before.

Partly I think it's for the benefit of the new gf. You know, the caring dad act. But at least he IS doing it. I can see I am in the wrong.

I will pretend the phone was on the blink (it is unpredictable thanks to BT) and I didn't have credit to return his texts (haha). Will face up to it and sort it out.

You are right. It's not about me. I know this.

Voice of reason.

OP posts: