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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let ex talk to children on the phone?

81 replies

FreeBards · 20/01/2011 23:31

Long story short: Been divorced for four years. Kids are six and nine years old. I'm in my 30s, ex in his 40s.

Ex has always dictated when he sees our children and before Christmas he was having them two nights a week plus every other w/e.

Three weeks ago he told me he's going to be "based" at his gf's house over an hr away and will only see kids every other w/e - approx four nights a month (but share holidays too). I work every day, part-time so I can do the school run. He's a full time art student and moved Uni to another city last summer to be nearer gf. Doesn't pay maintenance due to being a student which really annoys me if I am honest. He goes away a lot and drives a newish range rover, wears designer clothes, but won't buy kids new shoes. You know the type. Lovely husband, terrible ex.

I honestly don't mind. We get on better when we have less contact. I was looking forward to the 'new arrangement' starting and having a break from him myself!

BUT because he's seeing them less he has been phoning them more. This week he rang or texted my mobile every day. He spoke to them twice on Sunday. I removed the batteries from the phone when he rang Monday.

(OK, this is where I need the reality AIBU check from very honest internet strangers)

He texted me to say he was trying to call. I ignored it. I have ignored his calls and texts all week, but I have told the children he rang and asked if they wanted to call him (no, they'd see him Friday, thanks) today after another missed call on my mobile I got a text saying he was worried because he'd been trying to call the kids all week. I replied to let him know all was fine; he's seeing them tomorrow. (AIBU?)

I don't want him to phone or text. If he's not going to see the children in the week and they are fine about not speaking to him (I have been very clear with them that they can call him any time) I don't see why he should infringe on my time. (AIBU?)

He hasn't suggested making an alternative 'phone' arrangement and goddamnit years on I'm tired of being the one to bring everything up. (AIBU?)

My eldest has a mobile which I gave her two years ago and I call/text them on that when they're with him.

I don't know. Partly I do worry I am being a massive bitch BUT another part of me feels like I am finally having some control over something and can ignore, or (ahem) miss, his calls. HE will think I am being unreasonable.

But am I?

Argh! Help!

I'm brand spanking new to this online lark so you can be as harsh as you like.

OP posts:

monkeyflippers · 21/01/2011 10:01

I think you shouldn't stop the kids speaking to their dad but also I can understand you being pissed off that he has holidays and nice clothes/car but won't buy the kids shoes. He deserves a punch in the face for that!

Next time you see him say "your car is so nice, you new clothes look expensive . . . shame the kids have holes in their shoes"

ChasingSquirrels · 21/01/2011 10:01

FreeBards, it sounds like you have taken on board all the comments, recognise that your behaviour left something to be desired, and will take steps to remedy that - while having put in place some damage limitation for your ex (phone on the blink etc, he might not believe you, but you can both save face about it and move on).

It can be horrible and hard for you at times having to hear this ongoing contact - and I think no one (certainly no one who has been through it) will deny that.
I honestly really feel for you, but - as you accept I think - this is about your kids, not you.

I just wanted to say I think you sound very sensible and I hope your ex can be equally so and you can agree between you something that enables the children to have continued ongoing contact on a regular basis between visits, while limiting the impact of that on yourself.

I suggested a set time, but equally someone else'e idea of a text to say "can you get them to phone at a suitable time and let me know when" is a good idea - it depends what works for you all in your circumstances.

frazzle26 · 21/01/2011 10:27

My ex-husband never calls my son (hasn't spoken to him once this year in fact). I wish he would bother so i think YABU as your ex obviously wants to speak to your kids whereas there are plenty of fathers out there who just can't be asked.

solo · 21/01/2011 11:49

Even with caller ID or seeing their name pop up on your mobile, just seeing them makes you feel ill; well it does me. It throws my centre right out and I'm in a state for bloody days! difficult to comprehend it if you've never experienced it tbf.

pascoe28 · 21/01/2011 12:01

My bro, sis and I went through this when we were younger (parents divorced etc). Defined times for phone calls etc - all bollox.

Don't kid yourself that your children do not want to speak to him - it's quite nomral for children to tell a parent what they think that parent wants to hear and they can very easily pick up on your views as to their having contact (at all) with their father.

I'd suck it up and let him call whenever.

crisptart · 21/01/2011 13:21

Yes you are being outrageously unfair. He's their dad and has just as much right as you to speak to the children.
Imagine if it was the other way round, would you not want to speak to your children every day if you didn't live with them?
You have no right to go ignoring calls, he has every right to speak to his children. I think you're being incredibly selfish.

Onetoomanycornettos · 21/01/2011 13:43

If they get on well with their dad, then I can understand them not wanting to speak on a particular occasion (eg. watching TV and very tired, or engaged in a game), but not for them to request not to speak to him for nearly two weeks. That does smack of perhaps either trying to please you, or of you asking once, them saying no, and then you assuming they won't want to speak to him for 12 days.

Either way, you have taken the advice on the chin and it sounds like you are going to get it sorted. You will be able to hold your head high in the future about having done everything in your power to help the children have a good relationship with their dad, and they will draw their own conclusions about his utter lack of contribution to the family purse.

clevercloggs · 21/01/2011 13:49

would you be annoyed if he didnt let the kids speak to you on phone when he had them

i imagine you would

catwhiskers10 · 21/01/2011 13:57

I think he should be allowed to call the kids when he wants.
I understand why you feel angry with him and I'd feel exactly the same in your situation but it's not fair to stop him talking to his kids on the phone.
You said that they can ring him any time but what if they are thinking "he doesn't ring us so why should we call him?"
Also, if you restrict contact, he could give up trying altogether and stop seeing the children at all.

maddy68 · 21/01/2011 14:12

I think YABU
let them speak to their dad. It is them that will suffer in the long run and you will take their wrath as they get older when he says you wouldnt let him speak to them

macdoodle · 21/01/2011 14:17

Actually I think YANBU!
Why is it the non resident parent gets all the perks and joys of parenting (the calls, the news, the funstuff), but none of the hard stuff (paying for things, discipline, bed time, bath time, running around to activities).
He chose to move away, he chose to decrease contact, he chose not to pay, he loses some of the perks due to those choices. She is not stopping contact, just not letting it overtake her life, and impinge on what might be her fun times with the children.

coldtits · 21/01/2011 14:41

Unless a parent is abusivem the child is stuck with that parent.

I don't believe in letting small children 'choose' not to speak to their dad on the phone.

You wouldn't do it if it was a cherished gandmother, you'd say "Get your bum here now and speak to granny, you INGRATE!" - don't do it because it's your ex.

bettiboo · 21/01/2011 14:53

coldtits, if granny was ringing a ridiculous number of times I think the OP would get a bit annoyed. Personally I would love it if my ex phoned his son, he used to until he got a new girlfriend, now he doesn't bother - I say make the most of it, I suspect the novelty will wear off. I agree with the advice that he phone the kids mobile instead and accept that they may not always want to speak to him.

Original poster

FreeBards · 21/01/2011 20:13

ChasingSquirrels, thank you. Thank you for reading and seeing that I have felt mean, I have had a change of heart and I have already messaged him to explain phone was on the blink this week and will discuss arrangement with him this weekend.

Yes, I get it was out of order, and (for the record) I gave my daughter a mobile phone two years ago phone which we chat/text on when they're with him (although it's four nights a month, I really kind of like the break ).

I do feel when they are with him it's his time. When they are with me, it's my time. He can see them every day if he wants. He chose to move away recently, he could still be near them, no one is forcing anything. We all make a choice. Don't we?

Could I move away from my children?

No.

BUT there are dads out there that don't call.

I get that.

I do appreciate the comments. Without them I may have really messed up.

Thanks for the reality check (you can stop now....).

OP posts:

2rebecca · 21/01/2011 20:44

I agree with those who say choose a time he will ring that's convenient. My ex always phones the house phone to speak to the kids when here or their mobiles, if he texts my mobile it's to discuss the kids with me, and he's sensible enough to ring at a reasonable hour, plus with texts you can reply when convenient. We also both accept that sometimes the kids can't be bothered and don't push it if they're in the middle of something, no matter how trivial that something may seem to us.
I think saying when they are with you it's your time is unreasonable if his time is only 4 nights a month. I'd want to talk to my kids more than that and I'm sure you would.

marge2 · 21/01/2011 20:50

Yes YABU! Don't get in the way of your children's relationship with their Dad. They won't thank you for it!

But no problem in letting your Ex know not to call at supper/ bed/ homework time etc/.

FabbyChic · 21/01/2011 20:53

Sorry he should be able to contact his children even when he does not see them.

YOu are being unreasonable.

Whilst I agree it should not be constant, there is no reason why it cannot be daily.

Make a fixed time and tell him to call after dinner.

It is unreasonable to expect him to have no contact cos you are pissed he pays no money.

Original poster

FreeBards · 21/01/2011 22:22

Oh Marge2 and FabbyChic thank you SO much for your amazing input into a thread where I HAVE ALREADY ADMITTED I WAS BEING UNREASONABLE. FFS can't you women read?

It's sorted, I have already hung my head in shame and bowed down to a man I hate for sane reasons. But thanks for your comments because they really made a difference after the horse bolted and I shot it.

No.

Really.

Can everyone stop now?

Or at least read the comments?

THANKS!

^Dear Mumsnet

How do you get them to stop?

Love

FreeBards

x x x

PS Nice curtains. ^

OP posts:

Original poster

FreeBards · 21/01/2011 22:31

I think saying when they are with you it's your time is unreasonable if his time is only 4 nights a month. I'd want to talk to my kids more than that and I'm sure you would.

HE sees them 4 nights a month BY CHOICE. Would I chose that?

No.

He has a lovely Mill House conversion near us, and an art college near us he COULD attend, but he wants to be near his girlfriend (not near his children, note) who lives over an hour away.

So he moved college (without letting me know) last summer (is that fair?!) and now he is maybe selling his flat - the second home to my children - without telling me, and maybe moving, but he told me he would be "based" there, so I guess so.

Would it piss you off? Are you normal like me?

I am, I was being unreasonable (for a whole week! Sue me!) I admitted that, but you know what?

It still sucks.

It sucks that men can do what they want and move where they want, and still, in the middle of nowhere get 'support' from internet strangers.

OP posts:

RedRosie · 21/01/2011 22:42

My DH has spoken to one or both of his children pretty much every single day for the last 16 years since they last lived together, including the 11 years that he has been with me.

Please let him do this. It is separate from all other issues.

RailwayChild · 21/01/2011 22:43

FWIW I think you can do what you like with your phone :)

My ex used to wake me in the morning.......ring after the DC had gone to bed....(because he was in the pub with his new g/f)

I work full time and care for the DC. Tonight I have them and he is out with g/f. Tomorrow the same. Repeat....... He doesn't pay CM. So he gets DC but has no financial committment / no effect on his social or working life and I should be bothered 24/7 with a phone call so he can speak to them.

Nah

RailwayChild · 21/01/2011 22:44

To clarify........ I am not opposed to his contact with them. I am opposed to the idea that my life is secondary to the contact he feels he can manage and fit in around his life.

ChasingSquirrels · 21/01/2011 22:48

Freebards, you can hide the thread or ask for it to be pulled.
You know where you are now, tbh you don't need to keep coming back to it - and yet it is here and it is like picking at a scab, it is hard not to come back to it. It is the nature of the site that sometime people read the original post and then reply, rather than reading the whole thread.
It might be better for you to ask for it to be deleted, for yourself.

Original poster

FreeBards · 21/01/2011 22:50

Red, my ex has never called the children, when he had his affair (youngest was 18months) and left he never rang or saw them much.
He had them twice in six months. It's only me plugging at mediation that got him seeing them every week.

In over four years and when he has been away for over a week or two (even last summer) he never rang.

I believe he is ringing because he has moved in with his gf (who has kids) for her because she thinks he is a lovely caring dad who 2 weeks ago told me he would only see them 4 nights a months. Ahh.. bless his devotion.

But YES, as stated several times I HAVE decided to let him call whenever even though I would rather stick pins in my eyes. Because even seeing his name on MY phone - kids have a mobile he has the number to - makes me angry.

OP posts:

pombear · 21/01/2011 22:54

Simple - Please don't post - she's seen the light! Read if you want, but please move on!!!! Nothing to see here!!!!

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