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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let ex talk to children on the phone?

81 replies

FreeBards · 20/01/2011 23:31

Long story short: Been divorced for four years. Kids are six and nine years old. I'm in my 30s, ex in his 40s.

Ex has always dictated when he sees our children and before Christmas he was having them two nights a week plus every other w/e.

Three weeks ago he told me he's going to be "based" at his gf's house over an hr away and will only see kids every other w/e - approx four nights a month (but share holidays too). I work every day, part-time so I can do the school run. He's a full time art student and moved Uni to another city last summer to be nearer gf. Doesn't pay maintenance due to being a student which really annoys me if I am honest. He goes away a lot and drives a newish range rover, wears designer clothes, but won't buy kids new shoes. You know the type. Lovely husband, terrible ex.

I honestly don't mind. We get on better when we have less contact. I was looking forward to the 'new arrangement' starting and having a break from him myself!

BUT because he's seeing them less he has been phoning them more. This week he rang or texted my mobile every day. He spoke to them twice on Sunday. I removed the batteries from the phone when he rang Monday.

(OK, this is where I need the reality AIBU check from very honest internet strangers)

He texted me to say he was trying to call. I ignored it. I have ignored his calls and texts all week, but I have told the children he rang and asked if they wanted to call him (no, they'd see him Friday, thanks) today after another missed call on my mobile I got a text saying he was worried because he'd been trying to call the kids all week. I replied to let him know all was fine; he's seeing them tomorrow. (AIBU?)

I don't want him to phone or text. If he's not going to see the children in the week and they are fine about not speaking to him (I have been very clear with them that they can call him any time) I don't see why he should infringe on my time. (AIBU?)

He hasn't suggested making an alternative 'phone' arrangement and goddamnit years on I'm tired of being the one to bring everything up. (AIBU?)

My eldest has a mobile which I gave her two years ago and I call/text them on that when they're with him.

I don't know. Partly I do worry I am being a massive bitch BUT another part of me feels like I am finally having some control over something and can ignore, or (ahem) miss, his calls. HE will think I am being unreasonable.

But am I?

Argh! Help!

I'm brand spanking new to this online lark so you can be as harsh as you like.

OP posts:

shimmerysilverglitter · 21/01/2011 00:13

solo I wanted to post about that very thing. Wanted to know if other people get physical symptoms when dealing with their ex. I get migraines after an "interaction" and feel sick and weak. Few days after will get panic attacks for anything up to a couple of weeks.

shimmerysilverglitter · 21/01/2011 00:15

Oh just saw that you feel I'll as well when dealing with ex OP. Awful they can still have that affect.

reddaisy · 21/01/2011 00:17

Good on you OP for actually reading the replies and taking on board what people say. Best of luck with it all. It does get easier by the way.

solo · 21/01/2011 00:19

Yes, but he phones FreeBards phone, not the childs, so it is impinging on her time and life. I know you all think that she has to allow this to happen because she hasn't got the right to not allow it, but he should phone the childs phone if he needs/wants to and only call her to discuss what he needs to with the OP regarding the Dc's. Not everyone finds it easy to push aside those awful feelings with the ex; I certainly don't and the OP is very kind IMO, because I don't just wish my ex would fall off the planet, I wish much worse on him and I'm actually a very nice, reasonable person usually, but times like these make you feel far from nice and reasonable when such times make you feel 'tense' or sick.

woollyideas · 21/01/2011 00:21

YABU. I know how angry you must feel that he doesn't support his kids. I feel the same about my ex for the same reason, but try to keep my opinion (that he's a complete to$$er) from influencing his communications with our DD.

She also doesn't want to speak to him sometimes, but now has her own mobile and he just calls her direct (she's older than your LOs though...)

I would, however, have to draw a line if he ever suggested communicating with her via webcam. Seeing his big ugly face in my living room would be a step too far!

ChasingSquirrels · 21/01/2011 00:22

they are 6 and 9 - of course he is phoning them on the home or FreeBards phone.

Original poster

FreeBards · 21/01/2011 00:22

It is selfish. I know. I am going to change it. It made me just as cross ignoring him anyway.

Thank you for all the replies. It's been really useful.

And you have changed one man's life. Who knew.

Thanks.

Night. X

OP posts:

Original poster

FreeBards · 21/01/2011 00:23

Seeing his big ugly face in my living room would be a step too far!

Haha, I actually did a rl lol. Thank you!!!!

OP posts:

ChasingSquirrels · 21/01/2011 00:25

i also think it is reasonable to try and set up an agreed time when he will phone - and I think this will work for ALL of you

for you, you know he will call then, and are prepared for it, and you won't feel he is interrupting all the time
for the kids, they expect it, you can ensure that you aren't doing anything special at the set times, so they will be happy to talk to him and will get more out of it
for him, he will know he can speak to them then, and will hopefully also get more out of it as above.

Hope it works out

sjm123 · 21/01/2011 00:26

Set out some boundaries for calls then. I had to. I cannot take speaking to him at all, so he has been told that he can text me to say he's calling the house phone and I'll either say ok, or ring in 30 minutes after dinner or whatever suits us and then one of the kids will answer.

I've had to really put my foot down with it though, there's been times where he's been a total cunt (bad language, but he just is) with his texts and I've had to put him in his place, even though I've been a gibbering wreck I don't let it show in the texts. I won't allow calls to me at all, as far as I'm concerned when he raised a hand to me he lost the right to speak to me.

I was actually toning it down a bit there, I regularly (in my head at least) wish far, far, far worse on him than dropping off the face of the planet

solo · 21/01/2011 00:28

But one Dc (assume the eldest) has a phone of their own. He could call on that phone as he's their father. If my Dd was 9 and not 4 with a phone of her own, that would be my preference. Ds doesn't have any contac with his father, but I'd definitely not want him phoning my phone if he did.

sjm123 · 21/01/2011 00:30

I would insist he did, but my son is just rubbish at knowing where his phone is, and I got bored of being told I was stopping him speaking to them.

You just have to make the arrangement that suits you I guess.

solo · 21/01/2011 00:38

And yes sjm, I'm with your thinking re the fate of the ex .

Deciduousblonde · 21/01/2011 00:49

I wish my ex would have phoned our kids.

Even when they got to teenageland and got their own mobiles he never called. He would see them every other weekend, no contact inbetween.

For the last 4 years he hasn't even seen them (they are now 17 & 20) because he can't be bothered :(

thumbdabwitch · 21/01/2011 00:54

Do you have caller ID on your home phone? you can buy one that you attach to the phone then if you know it's him phoning, get one of the DC to answer it instead of you. If it's on your mobile, then you should know it's him anyway so get your DC to answer it.

But do lay down some ground rules about appropriate times - tell him that if it's at a mealtime, too early in the morning or too late at night then you won't be answering it and nor will the DC.

I always felt ill and shaky dealing with my ex - thankfully we didn't have any DC so at least it was a clean break from him once all the details were sorted out. But I saw him in the supermarket 10 years later and still got the collywobbles! I didn't speak to him, had no reason to and didn't at all want to.

sjm123 · 21/01/2011 01:06

My kid's dad hasn't seen either of them since my youngest was 18 months old and she's now 10, which I suppose makes me a little more inclined to put up with a little bit of recent ex's nonsense for the sake of my kids relationship with him. So I know how that feels too.

I personally found set times impinged on our time more than his texting me to ask if now is an OK time to call, but everyone's situation is different. We tend towards controlled chaos here.

Very sorry freebards, I appear to be waffling on far too much in your thread about my own crap I shall stop now, I'm going to have to at least try and get some sleep soon.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 21/01/2011 01:17

YANBU

I know you have already decided what to do, but I still wanted to let you know that YANBU.

He has chosen to move away to be with the GF, he has chosen to reduce the contact with his children and of course he can, because he's not the one with the responsibility for them! He just gets to do as he pleases.... as they (almost) all do.

This doesn't mean he now gets to call you whenever he wants to, he has his life, you have yours - you don't have to be 'available' 24/7 when he fancies talking to them.

I would do as someone else suggested, tell him you will keep the kids phone in the sitting room/kitchen fully charged up, he is to call that to talk to them and yours to make adult arrangements only. Tell him if they choose not to answer that is up to them and you wont be making them.

I do think you were a bit mean this week, I would have replied earlier in the week to let him know the kids were OK but that they didn't want to talk to him and would see him at the weekend.

Just because the NRP wants to talk to the child doesn't mean the child wants to talk to them and why should they - they aren't there to please him?

Maybe tell him you will encourage them to text him to call them one night a week so that he knows he will get to talk to them then, if not at any other time.

LDNmummy · 21/01/2011 01:18

You are only hurting your children, just ask him to call at certain times of the day to avoid disturbing you, but be reasonable. Your kids deserve better than this. A lot of single parents wish thier ex's made half the effort your's is.

pombear · 21/01/2011 01:26

Flip this over. My ex has reduced contact with my children, and now is not phoning them at all.

Flip this over again - when my ex has my children at his, he takes the batteries out of the phone when I call, because I have already spoken to them.

It's horrible. I too would love to run to the other side of the planet, to be able to avoid all contact.

But you need to be able to look them in their eyes when they are adults, and say 'I did everything I could to keep the contact going with your father', even if he is the crap one.

Deciduousblonde · 21/01/2011 01:29

Exactly right pombear.

That was my attitude, and I wish it had turned out better for my children. But at least I can say I tried.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 21/01/2011 01:33

LDN - they didn't want to talk to him. He has make the choice not to have mid week contact with them, why does the OP have to arrange her life around his calls? Was there anything wrong with my suggestion?

He has a flat nearby but doesn't want to use it to see his kids - which is the parent hurting the children?

pombear · 21/01/2011 01:38

Deciduousblonde - and I'm sure you'll attest to, you can still hold your head up and feel proud that your attitude was that. I'm sure your children respect you for that, no matter how it turned out. It will be so obvious to them, I'm sure, that it was their father that let them down, and you weren't part of obstructing the relationship.

That's the thing - as much as anyone might want to use contact as a battle-zone, and control factor, it doesn't do any good in the very long-term, as much as it may feel good at the time.

Hang on in there FreeBards, as much as it may feel frustrating, disempowering, etc, your children will value the fact you tried, not that you obstructed, as much as you may want to internally!

Deciduousblonde · 21/01/2011 01:44

pombear, you are right..thank you.

I spent so long wanting to apologise to the kids for giving them such a horrible father. In the beginning I blamed myself for picking a terrible husband, but compensated it with the fact that he was a good dad.

I turned out to be wrong on that one, but as you say..they are grown up now and have told me they are grateful for giving them the opportunity to find out for themselves. They now have to put up with his mother calling them and telling them that they have let her son down by giving up on him.

Okaaaaay

Original poster

FreeBards · 21/01/2011 07:36

ChippingIn thank you. Having looked over this again I have texted him early before I change my mind to say land line was on blink and was saving my texts for emergencies. I've suggested we sort out something on Sunday when he drops kids off.

It annoys me on several levels but I can get over myself.

I also told him the girls were given the option to call back and knew he called this week (which they were and did!).

I was being mean, and do you know what? It didn't even feel good.

Pah!

Thank you again for all your comments, I didn't expect this, never used parenting sites before, and it's been really useful.

OP posts:

ladydeedy · 21/01/2011 09:30

i think this is terrible,tbh. Also, i know from my dh's experience, that phoning up to speak to your kids, and having the ex answer the phone then turn to kids with "do you want to speak to your dad", (depending on how's it's said) can lead to an automatic negative reply from the kids.

young kids dont think to phone people. you need to facilitate this and by NOT even answering your ex's texts and calls, this is hurtful and spiteful in the extreme... I do hope you have a change of mind. Imagine if the boot were on the other foot. I think you'd be absolutely livid..

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