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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have no idea what to do? DH or OM?

331 replies

CheshireCat · 20/01/2011 22:45

I really am in a mess.. I've been married 10 years, to a very good man. But have been having an affair for a year and a half.. He is single and wants to take on my 2 children, etc.. My husband wants to try and make a go of things.. but I just don't know what to do. He has a very high profile job, always, busy working away..and in the zone, I felt so so lonely..I have no family around..I feel I spent my 10 years being at home etc.

Am currently going to relate to sort my head out.. DH is waiting for me to sort myself out, and the OM is also waiting as well. :(

OP posts:
BootyMum · 21/01/2011 12:09

Why is it ridiculous to say that someone who is primarily involved in their career is similar to someone having an affair? Pre-occupation with career also makes someone absent from their relationship - this is where there is a similarity.

And yes, OPs husband may be the breadwinner but he may also get a lot from his career which is important to him - status, financial control, respect, self-esteem... So it may suit him to keep things as they are - he can fully concentrate on his brilliant career and little wifey at home looks after the household and the attitude is that she should be grateful for her lot...

For God's sake it sounds as if some of you are saying this and I am truly astounded, it sounds like an episode of "Mad Men"...

OP you say that husband "knows what he wants" and therefore doesn't feel the need to go to Relate with you. Does this mean he doesn't need to know what you want or doesn't consider it important to understand what's going on in your head? Is this why you feel so lonely?

Of course I am only speculating on this, I don't know your husband but if I were your counsellor I would be very interested in trying to understand why your husband probably recognises your marriage is in grave danger but perhaps feels it is up to you to work out what you want, rather than that the two of you could work together to make the marriage mutually satisfying [or at least that this is what you think he feels]. It is not about either just him or just you knowiing what you want... Both of you need to rebuild this marriage together and it sounds as if some major changes need to happen for it to be successful.

Original poster
CheshireCat · 21/01/2011 12:09

littlemisshissyfit

If I were a bloke, I probably wouldn't be asking anyones opinion on any of this, I wouldn't be interested.. I am trying to sort it out, maybe badly or slowly, but i am trying.

re my DC reading an extract of this, I think there many things in life women may have to struggle with, we take on a lot, emotionally.. Our children should not be privy to every little concern, or worry we have in life..So of course I would not want them reading this!

Relocating is something I want, nearer my family.. He would to relocate abroad, somewhere further away, that I am not so keen on.. As we have already done that, Paris,Australia, because of work.. and the children need stability in school.

He would not like the idea of me doing a job like that, as he says, he earns enough to probive for us both, I don't need to do that. However he would be ok with me doing something more challanging, or getting a horse etc. God that sounds terrible, but its the way it is. He does like being the big bread winner yes.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheshireCat · 21/01/2011 12:11

jesus hes just come home !! back later

OP posts:
bubblewrapped · 21/01/2011 12:14

I am beginning to think we are reading someones Mills & Boon fantasy life here...

Xenia · 21/01/2011 12:15

It sounds like you love them both so will just have to choose before you lose both of them. Most rebound relationships fail so it is likely if you leave for the other man that will break up and then of course you may well find someone else again who is quite nice or even better but don't assume it will work with OM.

Secondly a lot of people do change after divorce. I have had dinners with divorced men showing off about how they have hidden assets from their ex wife and moved abroad to avoid paying a penny. You are totally economiclally dependent on him so you might end up with the chidlren in a bed sit on benefits if you're not careful unless OM is rich enough to keep you in the way you are currently kept. Yo may well have to work and look after the children post divorce.

I divorced after a long marriage although no one else was involved on either side and it's much better but we had an awful marriage. It sounds like your part time husband in a very old fashioned set up of bread winner and house wife which really works, isnt' quite what you're after but you don't really want to work either so you need to ensure you are always with men who are a good enough meal ticket. How does OM compare with your husband in terms of cash?

(Are you Alan Johnson's wife?)

BootyMum · 21/01/2011 12:20

But what about you Cheshire? So your husband would not like the idea of you doing a job but would approve you getting a horse? Is he your partner or your father?

What do you want?

I am wondering if some of the problem in the marriage is you feeling unheard and stifled...

JamieLeeCurtis · 21/01/2011 12:20

Of course you don't feel intimate with your DH - all your emotional energy has been invested in someone else. Even before you were having sex. What incentive is there to sort things out if your unhappiness is being papered over by an affair?

Equally, though, I'm not getting much of a sense that your DH is doing much to sort this out. If I were him, and I loved you, I'd damn well listen and go to counselling if that's what you wanted, or I'd chuck you out.

I agree the OM is a dodgy prospect

walesblackbird · 21/01/2011 12:21

Yes husband does know, that I kissed another "companion" thats all. He was very mad, but still want to continue.. providing he sees me trying. He is very mad, but has been waiting since July for me to "make up my mind"

Does this mean that your husband doesn't know the extent of your affair? Because having been on the receiving end of what you're dishing out I know that if there is any chance of salvaging your marriage you're going to have to be honest with your husband about the extent of your deceit and betrayal. Telling him that you kissed another man without giving him the full facts isn't fair on him. Maybe once he does know then he will feel differently about you.

Sorry, but find it hard to be sympathetic having been on the other end. My husband was bored too - well, tough shit - he should have talked to me about his boredom, not another woman. And the same goes for you I'm afraid.

latristessedurera · 21/01/2011 12:24

CheshireCat I think that BootyMum's 12:09 post makes some very good points and has managed to say what I wanted to but couldn't find the right words for. Please read what she's said and give it some consideration.

latristessedurera · 21/01/2011 12:24

CheshireCat I think that BootyMum's 12:09 post makes some very good points and has managed to say what I wanted to but couldn't find the right words for. Please read what she's said and give it some consideration.

latristessedurera · 21/01/2011 12:24

CheshireCat I think that BootyMum's 12:09 post makes some very good points and has managed to say what I wanted to but couldn't find the right words for. Please read what she's said and give it some consideration.

latristessedurera · 21/01/2011 12:24

CheshireCat I think that BootyMum's 12:09 post makes some very good points and has managed to say what I wanted to but couldn't find the right words for. Please read what she's said and give it some consideration.

latristessedurera · 21/01/2011 12:29

Gah! Sorry for the multiple posts. MN went offline when I pressed post and it looks like it's reposted itself every time I tried to refresh the page Blush

JamieLeeCurtis · 21/01/2011 12:32

Very true walesblackbird -

MN swallowed another post, but I wanted to add that your fist step should be to chuck the OM and see if you can make a go of it with your DH, after full disclosure on your part, and effort on his part.

Deciduousblonde · 21/01/2011 12:37

It sounds like an episode of something...

LittleMissHissyFit · 21/01/2011 12:49

"I am trying to sort it out, maybe badly or slowly, but i am trying."

Now I have heard some Bollocks on here, even for recently, but since when has lying on your back and letting some OM shag your brains out ever counted toward the notion of sorting it out?

Where is your dignity? Shameful.

Am beginning to sense a whiff of something here...

Original poster
CheshireCat · 21/01/2011 13:05

I can promise you, it's not some fantasy land thing. The whole situation is making me ill and stressed not to mention, DH and OM.

My husband doesn't have a problem with me working, but possibly the type of job, he might have something to say about.. ie, doing cleaning or on a checkout etc.. I appreciate it does sound a little silly..

Yes it is exactly like the mad men thing.. A lot of women with husbands in these high paid jobs feel alone as well. But people rarely have sympathy for the wife, because they would swap the money.. And it's comes across as ungrateful..

OP posts:
Original poster
CheshireCat · 21/01/2011 13:09

A whiff of what?

OP posts:
Original poster
CheshireCat · 21/01/2011 13:11

It's not the sex anyway, in fact rarely.. It's the companionship, friendship.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheshireCat · 21/01/2011 13:15

Zamia
OM is not in the same league as DH, but he is finiancially secure.. But it's not about the money.. It's about the time spent with him I like.

OP posts:
Deciduousblonde · 21/01/2011 13:22

So is DH home?

Onetoomanycornettos · 21/01/2011 13:24

Xenia, lol at the Alan Johnson remark...perhaps it is!

Original poster
CheshireCat · 21/01/2011 13:26

Yes he is home now.. I have come out to get him something nice for his dinner. God this is surreal..

OP posts:
walesblackbird · 21/01/2011 13:26

Yes but when you're with the OM you're not really dealing with the realities of everyday living. It's a fantasy ... the real world is living with your husband and your children and everything that comes with it.

You're living a dual existence - the bored housewife and the exciting mistress. It's not real though. You're hurting your husband and will desperately hurt your children. Frankly I couldn't care less about OM's feelings - he knew what he was getting into.

onlyjuststillme · 21/01/2011 13:28

Maybe you should stop thinking of this as a choice betwwen 2 men. You cannot rely on what others will want or will do in the future so ignor OM for a min.

If it were a choice between your husband or being a single mum what would you do?

If you are unhappy enough to leave your husband to go it alone i suggest that your marriage is probably over regardless of OM. If you would stay together then you have something to fight for so call it off with OM and fight for your marriage.

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