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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have no idea what to do? DH or OM?

331 replies

CheshireCat · 20/01/2011 22:45

I really am in a mess.. I've been married 10 years, to a very good man. But have been having an affair for a year and a half.. He is single and wants to take on my 2 children, etc.. My husband wants to try and make a go of things.. but I just don't know what to do. He has a very high profile job, always, busy working away..and in the zone, I felt so so lonely..I have no family around..I feel I spent my 10 years being at home etc.

Am currently going to relate to sort my head out.. DH is waiting for me to sort myself out, and the OM is also waiting as well. :(

OP posts:
Deciduousblonde · 21/01/2011 13:28

I was gonna say the same..OM being stressed isn't any of my concern at all, and it shouldn't be yours either OP :)

Ihavebeencreditcrunched · 21/01/2011 13:28

he is likely in the loo Grin

brightlightsandpromises · 21/01/2011 13:31

Cheshire, i have to give you credit, you have received a right royal flaming here and you haven't retlailiated nastily.

I am not without sympathy really im not. I DO understand. I just honestly think that if you are in a good financial position, there you are in good shape to do things for yourself. And yes, i was serious bout the horse - its soemthing i can only dream of, but you would never be lonely (no, im not mad i know a horse cant keep you company) there is a good horsey community and you'll make some good friends.

I urge you to not leave your husband for this man, your DH has a high pressure, but what sounds like a very good JOB, there is far more stabilit there than running your own business which is what OM does. From purely that perspective he is a dodgy bet, running your own business is 24/7 bellieve me, it doesn't stop when you walk through the door.

Go to the shop, buy some steak, or preferably some veggie steak Wink, do a lovely welcome home dinner for your DH. Dont talk about heavy stuff, enjoy his company (GIVE HIM A FUCKING BLOW JOB) and just relax with each other. My DP is working today, and tomorrow and we have just had a huge row over money or lack of it. So i am going to be mortally offended actually if you ignore all the advice you are getting here, becuse your situation, whilst far from ideal is ok, and YOU have the power to improve it.

[jealous] of the horse riding. Tell you what, if you don't want your DH, i'll have him!

brightlightsandpromises · 21/01/2011 13:34

FFS dont get a job doing cleaning or working on a checkout if you dont have to!!! do sometihng interesting and leave the hard work to those of us that need it! lol

Have you given him a BJ yet??

Original poster
CheshireCat · 21/01/2011 13:35

I wasn't bored, just very lonely for my DH.. Yes OM knew exactly what he was getting into.. And gets little sympathy from his family.. if I was so recklee I would have run off with him, a year ago surely..

No not his wife, either.

OP posts:
Deciduousblonde · 21/01/2011 13:36

Having a good snort at Ihavebeencreditcrunched & brightlightsandpromises....sorry Grin

brightlightsandpromises · 21/01/2011 13:38

"i wasn't bored, just very lonely for my DH"

bugger me, all this tooing and froing and you have answered your own question!

You must love your DH

Its very simple, stay with him, but have some clear idea about things that have to change, do not relocate abroad, that is not fair of him to ask you to do that, you are so right about school. DH doesn't have to change career, but can make changes so that it doesn't ruin home life.

Sorted - now, whats for dinner?

Original poster
CheshireCat · 21/01/2011 13:47

I am listening to ALL your comments.. It's nice to hear it from people who are not my friends and family, as well. Gosh this all seems so self absorbed. But I am thankful..

Dinner is fillet steak, and home made chips. His fav. No, no blow job as yet... Men are such simple creatures.

OP posts:
Ihavebeencreditcrunched · 21/01/2011 13:48

yay...simples! Grin

option 1 it is. Tell OM it is over, block his number and refuse all contact.

A BJ might be a tad ambitious at this point Wink why not try a cuddle and telling dh you love him, want to stay with him and that you both need to talk and plan a resolution.

Then buy a few horses...there are a few people here who would love to visit for a hack and some tea Grin

Original poster
CheshireCat · 21/01/2011 13:49

Brightlightsandpromises

Thank you, I really am taking note of all this, and feel it is helping. :)

OP posts:
Original poster
CheshireCat · 21/01/2011 13:53

More than one horse? I think he would say, now you really are taking the piss.

Yes on reading some of these back I can see some of my own questions are being answered.

I'm ok with a cuddle for the moment.. That's would b ok.

OP posts:
BootyMum · 21/01/2011 13:58

Brightlights I really hope you are joking... or are you actually from the 1950s? Cook the man a nice dinner, don't bother him with any heavy emotional stuff and give him a blowjob...???

Cheshire, I don't think becoming a Stepford wife is the way to go. If you were only with your DH for his earning potential I don't think you would have an issue to be bringing here - you would probably be quite happy in your well-off SAHM role and expect nothing more emotionally from DH and could be having your bit on the side and without any thought of leaving the financially comfortable position you're in. So no conflict there.

Thing is though, I get the impression you crave and need companionship and a partner, not just a financial meal ticket. So you may be able to play along nicely for a while and cook the lovely dinner and make light conversation and even give your DH his "well deserved" Hmm blowjob... But I am pretty sure your loneliness and resentment would surface again at some point and you may find it difficult at keeping up the pretence of everything being okay...

Appletrees · 21/01/2011 14:22

Am getting a bit revolted by this. It's incredibly self indulgent. Get a grip. You sound like a 15-year-old.

Original poster
CheshireCat · 21/01/2011 14:25

No it is definitely not about the money, if if was I wouldn't even be contemplating, being with someone less well off.

OP posts:
Emo76 · 21/01/2011 14:31

I suggest getting a job, even a part time one. There are benefits to working which aren't just financial. Get yourself a life outside of the home and then perhaps you won't be so emotionally reliant on your DH or OM and you will feel less lonely - you'll have less time to over analyse things for a start!

Original poster
CheshireCat · 21/01/2011 14:33

Thing is, it's not self indulgent... It should be.. In some weird way.. But it doesn't feel Self indulgent from where I'm standing.. I'm not having fun, it's making me ill and stressed.. i love my children dearly as well.. This website was a last resort..Maybe I should have come here sooner.

OP posts:
brightlightsandpromises · 21/01/2011 14:43

Booty, im about as far from a 1950s wife as it gets! believe me. Remember, it is the OP who is the guilty party here, by her own admission, she tells us that her hubby is without blame. OF course there is blame on his side, he needs to spend more time with his wife, or loose her. But the OP is questioning her feelings about her husband, it is not going to be resolved by deep and meaningful chat the minute he gets off the fucking plane!

They both need to be fresh and able to be objective and discuss what they really want, and the OP has been on mumsnet all night getting castigated!

Advice still stands - nice dinner, blow job, cuddle - leave the talking til tomorrow. Dont ignore, it wont go away but it might sink to the background, tomorrow you get someone to have the kids, go for a beer/walk and TALK, make sure he hears what you need. Write it down. You dont want the OM you just want your DH back.

BootyMum · 21/01/2011 14:50

I don't imagine that it feels so self indulgent to be getting an ear bashing from all of us...

Cheshire, this is not about us and what we think or what we might do in your circumstance. This is your life and you are being very brave in facing all this head on, by posting here and by having counselling at Relate. I am sure the counselling is not an easy process [although is also considered self indulgent by some]. I imagine some difficult questions are being asked and painful feelings are being examined.

However I believe that if you stick at it and the commitment to being emotionally honest with yourself at least [if your husband refuses to also attend] then you will find a way out of this mess, whether that may be staying with DH, leaving with OM or making a go of life as a single Mum.

Best of luck!

Appletrees · 21/01/2011 15:16

It's self indulgent alright...fraid so. Even if it's making you "so ill and stressed".

That's just an unconscious psychological mechanism preventing you from seeing the wood for the trees and making a decision.

You don't want to make the decision. Something is coming to an end, and that something is having your cake and eating it. Imagine asking a bunch of strangers what to do! It takes delegation to an extrordinary level. You've managed so far to avoid taking personal responsibility, even if you think you haven't. It's all he was away, he left me alone, etc etc. This is another effort to avoid it. But unfortunately you do have to take that personal responsibilty, run with it and change lives - and it's hard.

This is growing up. The rest is swooning and smelling salts.

Xenia · 21/01/2011 15:36

Given feelings die off and OM might be very nice and chatty now but awful if you move in with him and 60% of second marriages with chidlren fail anyway you do need to compare being with your husband and being alone as a single parent with not much money and probably having to work too. That's part of the choice.

Plenty of people male and female have similar issues. Lots of them rightly or wrongly for years have hidden affairs.

I have always worked full time with 5 children so I would never have had your kind of isolation. Perhaps the problem is caused by women not having proper careers. If you were entusing every day over the brain surgery you'd done that morning you might not have been bored and lonely at home.

Anyway if you could accept less money and move in with the other man (if he has a place you could move in with ) would it be worth upsetting the chdilren. How old are they? If they are old enough they might choose to stay in their current house and with their father. Would you move out without them?

Original poster
CheshireCat · 21/01/2011 15:54

Bright light and bootymum..
Yes I will do the dinner thing tonight..the reality is now, it's got to the stage now, from his perspective, He wants his sex life back.. Which I'm not sure I can give him... Because intimately he's like a stranger to me..

OP posts:
kepler10b · 21/01/2011 15:57

@latristessedurera....i don't agree that if she was just thinking of herself she would have left for OM by now...because basically she is scared that would be a mistake. if she could have a guarantee that relationship with OM would work out and she wouldn't regret leaving DH i suspect she would do it in a heartbeat. you see this is the cowardice of infidelity and all this "ooh i can't make my mind up poor me" nonsense. it's all hedging of bets.

as julie burchill (who at least admitted to being sociopathic) once put it, it's about not wanting to get out of the bath before you know the central heating is on.

tbh the OP deserves for them both to tell her to get off but clearly the DH (what does that D stand for again?) won't because the fool loves her and they have children. OM is no doubt caught up in the drama and not being able to have what he wants seeming all to appealing.

sorry if i come across as harsh but the pain the OP is feeling is nothing compared to the pain people feel when they are cheated on, lied to and used.

if the relationship isn't working get out. clean break. no third party.

brightlightsandpromises · 21/01/2011 15:59

Cheshire, you are new to mumsnet (im not) the answer to everything in xenias book is to have a career, the higher flying the better - ive argued with her alot about it (i have a gruding feeling she could be right and i should have bloody listened to her, but thats a whole other story).

Not everyone can be a brain surgeon, and who'd want to be, but you can be the best you can be and do something that stimulates you, if thats flower arranging then do it. I am a SAHM and struggling to find a job now after a cereer break and its horrible being on my own all day brooding over things while DP at least gets to go out to work and be productive. I do assist him with his business but have realised that i need my own thing.

I think we are very similar Cheshire, however, im piss poor Grin I do admire your honesty, and think you will be ok - so long as you remember, you dont need a man to look after you, you need a partner to be equal with. I dont think from what you say, that is the OM. Good luck xx

brightlightsandpromises · 21/01/2011 16:01

Cross posts cheshire - i hope you can revive your sexlife, i honestly do - maybe your DH needs to make some efforts to seduce you, he can't just start back where it left off, you are not a machine. Please get that OM out of your life, he is poisoning what could be a happy marriage

kepler10b · 21/01/2011 16:02

OP so you complain that you don't spend enough time with your husband (or that he doesn't spend enough time with you) but then when you are together you don't want to be intimate with him?

honestly, what is that all about?

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