I have no idea what to do? DH or OM?

[CheshireCat]

I really am in a mess.. I've been married 10 years, to a very good man. But have been having an affair for a year and a half.. He is single and wants to take on my 2 children, etc.. My husband wants to try and make a go of things.. but I just don't know what to do. He has a very high profile job, always, busy working away..and in the zone, I felt so so lonely..I have no family around..I feel I spent my 10 years being at home etc.

Am currently going to relate to sort my head out.. DH is waiting for me to sort myself out, and the OM is also waiting as well. :(

Listen to Bonsoir - take a holiday and rediscover your marriage.

Good luck

"no I didn't say DC would be happier with OM, of course not.. But OM, as he is someone they already like.. he is not a monster.. is kind, will build them a tree house, do stuff together with them.. If we both behave like friends, not a couple for a good period of time, it will be ok"

I am not as sure as you seem to be

they currently like him because he is a "nice guy" who they met once at a park ... that is as far as they know.

when they realise and they will that he is your "partner" they may not be as happy.

As I posted previously they will likely wonder...suspect...and be angry with you and him!

behaving "like frends" telling your kids a LIE is plain nasty and yor kids will see through it. A look/smile/touch is all it would take and the questions would start...are you prepared to answer them????

"Having any man as the centre of your life and the sole provider of your happiness is dangerous and a recipe for disaster."

Yep. In fact I'd substitute 'any single human being' for 'man' in that sentence.

If you find the idea of 2 weeks with just DH and not OM then why not try for a long weekend instead? To be perfectly honest, I get the impression that you have made up your mind that you want to be with OM and not DH but are struggling to even admit that to yourself.

You sound very much like you are very much in love with OM but as other posters have said the grass always looks greener so be very careful about being led just by your heart. If you go straight from being with DH to OM then you won't have the chance to work out what you want from your life (and I do think you need to think about this).

Imagine that you are a single parent and think about how you would like your life to be.

You say that you would lose OM if you go away with DH for 2 weeks but you need to look at the reality of the situation. If OM really loves you then he should be willing to wait. If you are so torn between the two then you need some time to be with your DH and see if there is still anything there. If there is then yes, OM stands to lose you but conversely, if there isn't then he will know it's him you actually love. This would put you in a stronger position to have a good relationship.

You sound incrediably spoilt, what the hell were you doing introducing your children to the OM???? thats totally unfair on everyone involved, doesnt matter if you have introduced him as your friend, and how on earth can you trust a man who is having an affair with a married woman? He sounds great - not!

I would usually say, try and make things work with your husband for the sake of the children but it sounds like you dont love your husband anymore, leave him and give him the chance to be with someone who will love him. TBH it sounds to me as though you dont want to give the OM up and you`ve already made up your mind.

Best thing you can do is leave you husband spend a bit of time on your own and become your own woman because at the moment the OM is a bit of a fantasy figure, he may not be as great as you think when you get to spend all of your time with him!

The post above is the best one yet, and is actually along the lines of what I was about to post.

Sorry, not the one above me NOW, but latristessedurera's post!

bubblewrapped,

The OM would give me space to sort things out, and has aleady done so, he did for a good few months.. But he is getting sick of waiting too.

quientiessentialshadows

Not an option, I would never leave my children. Anyway, how could I leave them with my husband? he is away, and works all the time. He would need to employ a nanny.But no I would never leave my kids.

Bootymum

He has picked up on the lack of affection, and I have told him why, ie i don't feel close. He knows the OM is an issue. Yes he could have someone else, he would certainly have chances, but i don't think so.. Maybe i am driving him to that, with his lack of sex life. We have talked, we talk... but still works and is busy..

Bonsoir

The new enviroment, I think would be a very good idea.

Although I have to agree that being in a relationship that involved a marriage break-up isn't the best start..and neither is the fact that the OM has no qualms about sleeping with married women.

If he can do it once he can do it again..and so could you..

Bootymum, we cannot say what the husband is or isn't doing can we?

How do we know what the op is telling him or how she is behaving towards him.

Saying he is having an affair with his job is ridiculous.

Presumably he provides the financial support for the family.

make plans now. You have until 3, what are you going to do when he gets home?

Given that he's likely to get out his iPhone / laptop / toilet roll to distract himself from the situation at home you need some options to give him something to do together. (I say that this is your responsibility because I think it is. You have both created this situation but only you allowed yourself to become so very lonely, you chose not to fill your life with something that fulfilled you mentally and emotionally (other than the OM) and not change things - do something)

Will he be home in time for the school run? can you go together? Can you make dinner together, can you take the kids for a curry / dinner / walk / swim, TALK to each other fgs.

My DH works extremely hard both physically and mentally and he requires some looking after too. He's not great at thinking of how he can be part of the family routine because he doesn't always know what that routine is. I suspect that your H doesn't either.

If your world is lonely, invite him into it. No-one is saying you will immediately want to rip your clothes off and ravish him but surely getting your friendship back would be a great start. Even just holding hands is great.

Rant over. It is clear that you want change from your posts start making changes and give your marriage a chance.

My husband says he is very happy with our marriage, and was before these problems..and does not want a divorce.. Hes never put a foot wrong really..its just the intimacy problem, ie me wanting to kiss him..at the moment he feels like an ex boyfriend. Do you think a week alone with him, will bring all this back?

deciduousblonde

yes i accept that i could do this again..if i stayed with DH.. because the work situation..i don't want to be in that situation..

Couldn't you just tell him the complete truth - not just part of the truth, gilded and painted to make it less ugly. I am having an affair. Because I feel lonely and unfulfilled due to your work commitments. I am considering leaving you for the OM. What will you do to change things?

If he then tells you to fuck off you will have your answer. If he attempts to make things better you will also have your answer.

you have four choices

1. stay with dh (only him!) and both of you put honest work in.

(I understand the need for a hobby or interest for independent time but not as a distraction/crutch for an unhappy marriage)

2. leave dh and introduce OM as new partner

3. Leave both...or tell them to stay away while you spend time working out what you need/want and hope they are there and willing when you decide.

4. End both relationships and set up home with your dc so DH can find someone else. OM can move on to someone free to commit to him and you can start fresh and work out what you want

whatever you choose you should stop dicking about and do it!

yes i was going to pick him up, after the school run..Yes we could go out or something, but he will be jet lagged, so quite tired. I will make him a nice meal, as i always do and run him a bath.. We do still get on very well, he always has something funny interesting to say and is very kind.. we rarely argue and get on very well. He does know the family routine, but just not always here.

I feel comfortable with a cuddle, but not more..

Ormirian
He already knows all this..he has been waiting for me to finish my sessions with relate..I have another few to go..Yes the pressure is really on for me to sort this out. Every day it gets worse..

He knows i am considering leaving him.. he knows about OM.. He has agreed to re locate for me.. So he feels he has done his bit, which I would agree with. I still feel like i adore him actually, am getting tearful now, thinking about all this.. you are all being so helpful.

Am I right in saying that the OM is getting more impatient than your DH?

If that is the case, then you would be wise to stick with DH if you need to stay where you are, whilst you go through Relate & think about things.

No way should you be thinking of moving on to pastures new with OM all the while you are in bits and undecided. When push comes to shove, the OM isn't actually part of the decision process.

This is your marriage, not his. Your DH deserves the lionshare of your thoughts.

deciduousblonde

I totally agree..DH is getting more impatient than OM.. OM is trying to be patient, and step back to let me sort myself out, hoping I will come to him.

unbelievable.

working long hours can also be incredibly lonely (take it from a woman who has been there done that). what about the needs of you DH? perhaps he is missing companionship too but he is being an adult about it and realises you can't all live on love and air.

if it is not about the sex but about being lonely get some friends.

it seems a total betrayal to your husband to not only be having an affair but to be actively discussing this man taking on your (HIS) children? how would you feel if your husband was taking to another woman about replacing you in your children's lives?

really it seems all you care about in this situation is yourself.

ihavebeencreditcrunched

yes they do look like my 4 choices.

I am horrified.

If you were a bloke Cheshire you would have been torn apart on here.

Sort out the marriage, either save it or end it, but don't f*ck someone else.

And for the love of GOD don't introduce the F*ckBuddy to your DC....

END it with the OM. If, long term, it's meant to be, it'll be. But not like this. THIS is a disgrace, it's a mess and you know it.

Look at your life, take a holiday with DH and see what is what. Talk to him about your loneliness, find something to do to offset the void, and get your DH to look at his life with a more balanced view.

Clearly BOTH of you have to make changes to have any hope at all of making a go of this, but shagging some hanger-on is not going to be of any help to anyone.

It may be that the marriage doesn't survive, but it'll never have a chance when you have OM on the scene. How could you feel like saving your marriage or anything more than a cuddle with your DH if you are shagging some other bloke?

Imagine if your DC could sit and read this extract of your behaviour, how would they think of you?

Behave yourself, do the right thing by them and your family.

What will be, will be.

kepler10b

yes i agree, thats why i like to be at home, cook him nice meals etc..Re my DH needs, he says he is very happy.. when he gets back from his stressful job.. I have got friends.. but its the male closeness of a husband i miss.. companionship.

Yes it is a betrayal, and I'm not proud of myself.. but I am trying to sort it out. Please don't think, I'm the type, to just be at home, my husband has one late night and away a bit, and I think, "Oh i'm bored of this now"

I'm not, this has been a result of 10 years, of working away, late back from work.. and me being a SAHM and being there bringing up the children.. Which is what we both wanted.. he likes me being at home, and being there for the children, so do I.

Whatever you choose, it's not going to be easy. There is no good way out of this.

As others have said, you need to go to relate with your DH. He's done nothing wrong but that doesn't mean that you both want the same things from life and your relationship anymore. You both need to talk about what you want and how you would ideally like your relationship/life together to be. Then you can look at ways to achieve a happy medium.

Is relocating something that you want?

It sounds as though you still have a very good friendship with your DH which is a good starting point but he needs to understand exactly how you feel about him working so much.

Why would he not like the idea of you working on a checkout or as a kitchen assistant though? He sounds as though he enjoys being the provider and being able to say that you don't need to work. Does he have very traditional views of men and women's roles in relationships?

Cheshire please do as porto suggested and go away for a holiday with DH. You obviously don't know what to do, so it's worth a try isn't it?

You don't have to worry about whether or not you will want to kiss him. Just go, relax, do sightseeing together etc. If you have an awful time, you will at least have more certainty as to what to do in the future. But you might have a great time and actually confirm that you do love each other and want to work things out.

Start talking about it this weekend.

kepler10b I don't think OP is just thinking about herself. If she was, she would have left to be with OM by now. I'm not agreeing with her having an affair or trying to justify her behaviour as it has obviously made things much worse and the fallout from affairs can be devastating but this is obviously causing her lots of guilt and anxiety which suggests she does care about everyone else involved.

I do agree however that it will be very difficult, if not impossible, to work things out with her DH if she keeps seeing OM.