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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have no idea what to do? DH or OM?

331 replies

CheshireCat · 20/01/2011 22:45

I really am in a mess.. I've been married 10 years, to a very good man. But have been having an affair for a year and a half.. He is single and wants to take on my 2 children, etc.. My husband wants to try and make a go of things.. but I just don't know what to do. He has a very high profile job, always, busy working away..and in the zone, I felt so so lonely..I have no family around..I feel I spent my 10 years being at home etc.

Am currently going to relate to sort my head out.. DH is waiting for me to sort myself out, and the OM is also waiting as well. :(

OP posts:
bubblewrapped · 21/01/2011 09:57

I am sure your husband would rather you be working on a checkout than seeing another bloke! Hmm

Original poster
CheshireCat · 21/01/2011 09:58

OM has one he took on from the age of 2, she is now 18, they have an excellant relationship, and he supports her through University.. I think thats admirable. He also has a 13 year old son, who he also has a good relationship with, from what I have seen.. They both seem very nice. I would say he is a very good father.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheshireCat · 21/01/2011 09:58

bubblewrapped

Yes, you have a point there. I'm sure he would

OP posts:
brightlightsandpromises · 21/01/2011 10:02

term time jobs

teacher
dinner lady
school librarian
college lecturer
Admin assistant
receptionist
teaching assistant

running your own business

loads of part time jobs

You say you are well off - so volunteer, start to believe that you dont need validation from a MAN to be fulfilled.

It wont work with the OM, you'll end up hating him because deep down, your children will never forgive you.

If you don't love your husband anymore, well then, fine, move on - that will be hard for the children yes, but to move them straight in with another man, or even have another man "around" straight away, will be so damaging.

ENormaSnob · 21/01/2011 10:02

So who will support you financially if you leave h and shack up with om?

Where will you live?

How often will the dc be with their dad?

How will you feel when your h gets someone new and life with the om gets boring and mundane?

monkey9237 · 21/01/2011 10:03

It all seems to be going round in circles. What do you really WANT, OP? Push has come to shove, you need to decide. Its unfair to carry on like this. Unfair on everyone. Why not tell your DH the truth and let him have the full facts?

brightlightsandpromises · 21/01/2011 10:04

Cheshire, this OM is not a Stayer, he has at least two failed relationships behind him - both involving children, read the warning signs FGS

Original poster
CheshireCat · 21/01/2011 10:06

thanks, yes maybe there are some jobs, or volunteer stuff i could do, that does sound interesting. I definitely don't need validation from a man, but i do want to have that closeness and companionship.. something I can't get from friends, family. Not sure I love DH, does that mean I don't? How could I if i do this to him. I would not move them in with another man, like that, i know that would be very damaging.

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 21/01/2011 10:07

Fwiw I wouldn't trust someone who is shagging a married women.

I feel sorry for your h, you are being a selfish, deceitful coward.

You need to make a decision.

Fine if you want out of your marriage but what you are doing is cruel and unfair.

bubblewrapped · 21/01/2011 10:11

Oh you CAN get closeness and companionship from friends and family. You just dont get sex from them.

You are seeing this bloke for what he wants you to see of him. His exes may have a totally different view of him, and quite often a more realistic one.

Get the kids to a grandparents for a weekend, and get yourself and your hubby away on a break together. If he wants to get things back on track he will make the effort to take the time off work, and you will make the effort too.

Ihavebeencreditcrunched · 21/01/2011 10:11

I would never advocate staying for the children

No relationship is worth becoming an bitter, empty shell of who you were... aka my mum for those last 8years!

If you can both try to make it work then you have to commit 100% to your family and make whatever changes are needed in the attempt.

If you feel there is no hope you have to commit 100% to ending the relationships as positively as possible.

Please don't kid yourself that your DC would be happier with OM than their dad because he would spend time with them.

HE IS THEIR FATHER. I'm sre they would prefer to spend time with him far above your OM.

Do charity work if you prefer...something positive to give you pride....but that doesn't solve the relationship issues with DH!

Original poster
CheshireCat · 21/01/2011 10:15

Enormasnob

I would have enough money of my own to buy myself a smaller house,mortgage free.. after the sale of our family home. Yes I would work, thats ok, and maintenance is a little I assume. They would see their father as much as possible.. when he is not working.. which they already have.

I think OM is ok, he stayed in a very unhappy marriage for 12 years, for the sake of the children... wanted to leave very early on, but stayed put.. took on her child, treats her like his own.. his son is from the same marriage.

monkey9237

thats the problem, I don't know what I what..:(

maybe i should just stay with husband, for the children, at least they still have their father, and they love him

OP posts:
Original poster
CheshireCat · 21/01/2011 10:20

no I didn't say DC would be happier with OM, of course not.. But OM, as he is someone they already like.. he is not a monster.. is kind, will build them a tree house, do stuff together with them.. If we both behave like friends, not a couple for a good period of time, it will be ok.

OP posts:
latristessedurera · 21/01/2011 10:20

CheshireCat You need to work out if you can be happy with your DH. If your DH isn't very involved in family life then you need to talk to him about how you are feeling or write him a letter if you would find it easier.

You say you're going to relate but you may want to consider going for other counselling as well if you are feeling so down about things. Is it just your relationship with DH that is causing you to feel like this or are there other things as well?

I think you having an affair is taking the focus away from the main problem, which is that you don't seem to love your DH anymore (this is just my interpretation of your posts so feel free to correct me). The choice you need to make is not between DH and OM but between being with your DH or not. Once this is clear in your head, then you can look at your relationship with your OM.

You might find it better to put this in the relationships section (posters can still be very forthright over there but not quite as much as here on AIBU)

Bonsoir · 21/01/2011 10:21

I think you should go away on holiday for a fortnight with your husband, somewhere really nice and really romantic and a bit adventurous, and see how you get on when children, routine and OM are out of the picture. If you can rekindle romance with your husband, you might be able to make a go of things.

Original poster
CheshireCat · 21/01/2011 10:22

I agree, there are 2 sides to every story..I think I know him pretty well, I know all his family.. I see how he is generally.. Hes not let me down yet..

OP posts:
BootyMum · 21/01/2011 10:23

Think OP has had a bit of a hard time here. It does take two to make or break a relationship. Why is husband the entirely good/blameless one and she is the entirely bad? Things are rarely this black and white Hmm

OP, I agree with posters who say that both you and your husband need to attend Relate together for your relationship to have a hope in hell of working. You cannot work on your marriage or possibly hope to understand your husband's perspective without him being there. There are two people in this marriage, although perhaps it hasn't felt like this for a very long time... for both of you.

Of course, if your husband attends counselling with you it will inevitably mean being honest with him at some point about your affair. How would you feel about doing this?

Ihavebeencreditcrunched · 21/01/2011 10:24

If you are stuck between two relationships and don't know what to do....leave both!

You would be independent and comfortably off without either and once free from the pressure, guilt etc your head may clear.

I agree bubblewrapped - he has told you this about his previous relatinship. Maybe true, maybe lies but how many people bemoan their current/last relationship to get with another person.

The fact that your relationship started with cheating is never good. Would he trust you...you were in a relationship but slept with another man!
Would you trust him...he happily agreed/set out to sleep with a married woman.

Original poster
CheshireCat · 21/01/2011 10:29

latristessedurera

thank you, I feel strong in other areas, am ok and strong mentally.. its just this situation.. Yes it was just the continued loneliness and absence of DH, which led to the OM.. and now not sure if I can get any feelings of even wanting to kiss or be intimate with DH even if I wanted to.

The holiday does sound a good idea, and i have thought about it.. That would mean losing OM, which I'm not sure I can.. what if I can't feel I can kiss DH, for 2 weeks. He is getting annoyed with my lack of affection obviously.

I posted in AIBU by mistake, but I don't mind forthright.. I know people say things on chat they would may not in real life Wink and i need honest opinions, which i am very grateful for.

OP posts:
brightlightsandpromises · 21/01/2011 10:31

To be perfectly blunt, i wish i had your problems, DH who works all the hours god sends so you have enough money to buy yourself a little house, mortgage free - pah, you've too much time on your hands lady, you gonna get bored wherever you are. Dont know you're born, get a fucking horse

bubblewrapped · 21/01/2011 10:36

The holiday does sound a good idea, and i have thought about it.. That would mean losing OM, which I'm not sure I can.. what if I can't feel I can kiss DH, for 2 weeks

You wont know until you try. Why would you lose this other bloke? In anycase, if you sort things out with your husband, that would mean you dont have any contact with the other bloke anyway. If the other bloke has any decency about him, he will take a step back while you sort your head out, and decide what you really do want.

I get the impression now though, after 7 pages of going round in circles, that you came here expecting people to say you should leave, to justify it to yourself.

Well, sorry but I dont think you have good enough reason to walk away from your husband and break up your family, and you dont even seem to want to try to fix it.

QuintessentialShadows · 21/01/2011 10:36

Woman, grow up.
Your husband works long hours for his family, and you go shagging because you are bored?

Why dont you leave the children with their father? You cant have your cake and eat it. It is better if you leave, and let the children be with a man who values the family unit.

Find a job, rent a flat, be loved up with this new man who is divorced, and has already loved and left another mans child, and has now embarked on you.

You cant take your children with you to a new relationship with this man. He is not in it for long term, he is just happy to shag and play happy families for a little bit, the he too gets bored. Like you.

BootyMum · 21/01/2011 10:39

And I was just thinking how sad it is that OP has been having an affair for 18 months, in essence transferring her affections to another man and her husband has never picked up on this or questioned her changing towards him - sexually, emotionally... Is this right OP?

Is husband completely oblivious, overly preoccupied with his interesting and high status career, emotionally detached, could he be having his own fling on the side - entirely possible if he works away from home for long periods of time...?

Yes, so OP is having an affair with a flesh and blood man but her husband is also having an affair of sorts - with his lifestyle and career and this also takes him out of the marriage. OP, have you and husband ever been able to sit down together and have an honest talk about what is not working for you in your relationship and what needs to change?

Bonsoir · 21/01/2011 10:40

I think you should give your husband a chance to regain your affection in a new environment.

If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. But at least you will have tried.

Go somewhere fab, like Jordan and Syria, to romantic desert locations. Buy yourself a great new wardrobe (and make sure your husband is at his best too).

Expensive, but a lot cheaper than a divorce!

Original poster
CheshireCat · 21/01/2011 10:43

husband says, he won't go to relate, because knows what he wants.

ihavebeencreditcrunched

yes a few friends have said, that to me, neither of them are for you, if you're like this.

brightlightsandpromises

sorry, its not a funny, but if you don't laugh you'd cry.. that just made me laugh.. you are right, re time on my hands..taking riding lessons, and getting a horse is something i have thought about, and husband thinks i should too.. thank you for your honestly.. I think all you mumsnetters are actually helping me sort this out, more than relate..I've asked all these women about this problem, and you are all helping...i'm starting to feel more positive about DH already. He's been away for a week, and back today at 3.

OP posts:
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