I have no idea what to do? DH or OM?

[CheshireCat]

I really am in a mess.. I've been married 10 years, to a very good man. But have been having an affair for a year and a half.. He is single and wants to take on my 2 children, etc.. My husband wants to try and make a go of things.. but I just don't know what to do. He has a very high profile job, always, busy working away..and in the zone, I felt so so lonely..I have no family around..I feel I spent my 10 years being at home etc.

Am currently going to relate to sort my head out.. DH is waiting for me to sort myself out, and the OM is also waiting as well. :(

Which one do you love? Go with your heart.

Remember though your children only have one father, you cannot refuse him access because you have a new man who will take on your children.

I meant I would not be ok emotionally, losing my kids would destroy me. Financially I would be fine.. But the money is not my concern.

Why would you introduce your children to OM? Frankly if my husband had done that I would have killed him. That is just not acceptable. What did you tell them?

If you are going to do anything do this one simple thing first -
get the kids on a sleepover with someone
and make love to your husband as soon as he walks through the door.
You need closeness with your husband not someone else - he's not going to refuse you because he's knackered if you're up for it - if you can rekindle a bit of excitement and lust in your relationship you'll find out how you truly feel. If you are having regular sex with DH you'll soon find you'll be cuddled up on the sofa together having a chat about your days as well - if you arn't then at least you'll know it's not for want of trying first - and maybe he's just playing away too....

I think that being lonely in a marriage is a very legitimate feeling. It is understandable why someone should seek intimacy elsewhere if they feel they do not have it at home, for whatever reason.

Sometimes I am amazed by how long suffering women are in marriages. For instance I have a friend whose husband has chosen to live and work abroad. He returns to the UK for around a week per month, or slightly less. They have three children and remain married. Unless you were an ostrich (which the friend has chosen to be) it is blindingly apparent that one of the reasons her husband choses to work abroad is that he can conduct other relationships.

As I said, his wife has adopted the ostrich mentality - what you cannot see does not hurt you. There are happy family photos at Christmas, family birthday celebrations and the rest.

But she is AS LONELY as hell. If she had a hundred affairs, she would have my complete sympathy, and probably the sympathy of every single person who knows her and her husband, probably even the sympathy of their children.

I suppose that, for them, they prefer to keep up the pretence of married family life than admit that the relationship between them ran its course years ago. I suspect that they can't face the financial ramifications of a split either.

This is an extreme example but loneliness in a marriage is not uncommon and it is not always easy just to up and leave especially where children are concerned.

tadpoles, yes exactly, I know some of his colleagues wives in the same situation. Extreme loneliness, which is difficult to articulate on here. I do not have to explain to the children either about their father not being here, because they live it too, and get upset and annoyed with him as well.. I always, explain, why, he is providing for us, because he loves us, and is a good daddy etc. Never ever say a bad word about him..Or moan about it in front of them, but they can see it for themselves.

fabbychic, i would never stop him seeing the children, even if he was awful to me..and he could have joint custody if thats what he would wants.

CC I have read this whole sorry thread! Any SAHM gets bored and lonely especially if your husband works long hours (mine is self employed)and there were times when I truly felt like a single parent, as he would work 7 days a week for months at a time to PROVIDE for us, his family.
If you have time to have an affair you have time to do a job outside the home.

A very true saying is "the devil makes work for idle hands".

Ditch the OM who is delighting in having his ego (AND OTHER THINGS) stroked by your boredom.
Get some self respect, some grip on reality, and in essence get yourself a job.
Then should your marriage finally fail you will have some measure of independance.

You are deluding yourself if you think your relationship with OM will survive once you break your marriage up and the shit hits the fan!

Do grow up!

Ok thanks for all advice it has been v helpful. X

I haven't read every single post but did read when this thread started and have just caught up a bit now.

It seems to me that you are waiting for the poster who tells you of course you should choose the OM. That your husband is horrible and neglectful and that this OM would be a better father to your children and that you can live happily ever after with a fantastic sex life that you deserve.

The reason this poster hasn't come along is because it isn't true. You need to see that your DH is by far the better man and that if he will still have you after knowing all this, then you're very bloody lucky.

I don't think hoppig from one to the other is a very good idea.
This man is exciting and exotic for now but would it really be the same with the day to day trudgery of life?

Step 1 - Get rid of OM.

Step 2 - get a life for yourself, while working on your marriage.

Step 3 - Review marriage, choose to stay or go.
If you choose to stay, do it whole-heartedly and with love for your DH. If you choose to go, get your own home, build your life as a single woman and parent - only start looking for a new relationship once you have done this.

You are an adult - you do not need to flit from the protection of one successful man to another.

Holy crap, I couldn't stomach reading more than half of this.

I would suggest you stop referring to your husband as DH because clearly he isn't dear to you at all. You've been shagging a man behind his back for 9 months. That is far worse than your poor H working long hours to support his family.

And yes, I am well aware what it is like to have a H working ridiculous hours as I supported my H whilst he did it. At no point did I consider an affair.

Too bad he managed to find time to shag another woman.

I have had a thought (steadyyyy...)

The husband in this situation appears to be rather laissez-faire about his wife "kissing" another man and appears to be sleepwalking/preoccupied at the moment while she fucks her Mellors

CC...your husband is shagging another woman, possibly several

he has the opportunity and obviously getting no intimacy at home either

how does that prospect make you feel ?

AF - I agree that the DH hasn't come over as caring all that much

yup, that's 'cos he is busy elsewhere

at least I hope he is

He might be. There are suggestions that although Mrs Alan Johnson the second supposedly played away her husband might also h ave. A lot of it about.

Cheshire Cat..I hoped you haven't stopped reading this. Let me try and give you another viewpoint....

You are saying exactly what my mother was saying 23 years ago. She was 'bored', life with Dad was mundane, she didn't work, had no focus, Dad worked all hours (to give us all a good life as it happened )..

She left him for another man (he was special, wonderful, attentive etc), taking me and my younger siblings with her.

My world was just blown apart, and now, years later I still feel bitter, angry and dreadfully hurt. Not a day goes by even now, when I don't wish Mum hadn't left my Dad. He did nothing wrong.

I will be furious with my mother forever, and so, to a certain extent are my siblings.

Think very, very carefully. ALL relationships are exciting and fresh to start with, and affairs even more so. My mother's new man soon showed his true colours once Dad was well and truly off the scene. He only wanted Mum, not us, she believed him when he said he wanted us all to be a family.

Affairs are not reality, they are rose tinted snatched moments.

My advice would be to go to Relate and deal with your issues. Your husband is not a bad husband, and that is a very good reason to stay.

You are being completely immoral. The words of the wedding ceremony are not there for deciration. Think of what you promised each other and work from that.

If you settle for the OM in ten yeard you will probably be whining again about being lonely etc etc- the answer lies in changing what you fill your day with and feeling useful and contributing to family life again.

And your children have every right to not want to be 'taken on' by anither man. What a generous spirit you imbibe him with rather than suspiscion that he would be okay about breaking up a family.

I feel even if you are unhappy- tough luck. Your children don't have choices but you do and you can choose to put more into your life than an EM affair.

You are being completely immoral. The words of the wedding ceremony are not there for deciration. Think of what you promised each other and work from that.

If you settle for the OM in ten yeard you will probably be whining again about being lonely etc etc- the answer lies in changing what you fill your day with and feeling useful and contributing to family life again.

And your children have every right to not want to be 'taken on' by anither man. What a generous spirit you imbibe him with rather than suspiscion that he would be okay about breaking up a family.

I feel even if you are unhappy- tough luck. Your children don't have choices but you do and you can choose to put more into your life than an EM affair.

Just popped back to give you (((((e-hugs))))) thought you might need it in case you are still reading. Well, someone has to be fluffy around here.

Fuck it, I still say leave them both instead of picking one. Give yourself some breathing space.

What happens at relate ?

It seems as though deep-down you want the marriage to wither on the vine .... nobody's fault, just didn't work out ... shame ... move on.

Is that inaccurate ?

CC, I've been following this with interest all day, and have, at times, alternated between hating you (snobby comments about term-time jobs not being very thrilling) and empathising with you (I was also in a lonely, loveless relationship)...I agree with certain other posters that you do need a break from OM, difficult as that may be for you, to properly assess your feelings for your H.

You're stringing both men along, and I'm quite bewildered as to why either has put up with it for so long. They must both love you a lot. Or have some kind of agenda themselves.

If it turns out your marriage has passed the point of no return, you need to discuss with H (and only H) if it's time to call it a day, but only on the basis of that relationship itself, not because there may be a third party waiting in the wings. If you run to the other man, even if still only on a 'dating' type basis, it'll end in tears for everyone. You all (you, H, DC, and yes, even OM if he waits) will need time for the dust to settle before you contemplate another relationship.

It is your mess, yes, though that doesn't make it any less stressful, but you need to make a decision, and soon, for all of your sakes.

Yep, you have to ask yourself if you would be contemplating leaving H if OM wasn't on the scene..

Hi yes am stil reading, thanks Freebards, very sweet of you. Its interesting, how you cut to the chase, so to speak, you say the same as 2 of my best friends. :)

cumfy

At relate, they tend to listen, just me going, not DH.. they are very nice, but actually I think this has helped me more. ie, a lot of women from all different backgrounds and situations, in their experience, giving their opinion. I may not like it, but, its honest and which is what i need.

Articulate

No DH is not bad at all, as already said I am going to relate, by myself. Thank you for your point of view.

AnyF....

Yes that has crossed my mind, loads of times, i don't think so, but yes he could be. I don't know. if he is, then he is, nothing I can do about it. I would deal with it, maybe I deserve it, maybe not.. You hope he is? maybe that says more about you than me..

Soupdragon

maybe you are a better woman than me? to never get lonely, to never fall down, and never seek comfort in any other man, other than your partner... long may it continue for you. I hope you won't be judged as harshly if you seek comfort one day.

twistandshout

nowhere have i said my DH is horrible, you clearly haven't read back, as you said...he's a very good man. I don't have an amazing/exciting sex life..I also don't expect any sympathy, god forbid..and I also don't expect anyone to say be with OM.

Oh pmsl at the suggestion to do some charity work instead of the exciting, pulsating, electric sex.