Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I really don't know if I am being U and if it's okay to feel a bit miffed?

74 replies

MrsFruitcake · 18/01/2011 07:00

Best friend is getting married this summer. She has lots of bridesmaids, adult ones and children. Because she has so many, and is on a budget, she's asked all the parents of the little ones and the adult BMs to pay for their own dresses, which I was a bit Hmm about but let slide.

However, last week, she ordered all the children's dresses and is now asking for the money to pay for them. I have had lots of unexpected bills to pay this month and could do without having to fork out but she is making a bit of an issue about it. What do I do? Put up and shut up? Don't think I can do much else really, but am I being U in feeling fed-up about it?

I also have to pay for shoes closer to the time too!

OP posts:
Sequins · 18/01/2011 07:01

YANBU - she is being a bit Bridezilla.

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 18/01/2011 07:03

I understand but you did know she was going to be asking for the money if it was such a big issue you should have declined.

Original poster
MrsFruitcake · 18/01/2011 07:05

Yes Love, I hear what you are saying, but when someone has asked your little girl to her face if she will be a BM, it's a bit hard to say no isn't it?

OP posts:
woollyideas · 18/01/2011 07:10

YANBU if she didn't warn you that the ordering of the dress was imminent. Also, as she is expecting other people to pay did she give them any say in the style/cost of their dresses?

It must have been very hard to say no if you LO was there when she asked if she wanted to be a BM. :(

TyraG · 18/01/2011 07:12

I don't think YABU to be miffed that she ordered the children's dresses on her own - does she even know the correct sizes - and are asking you all to pay for them.

I do think YABU to be upset about having to pay for your own dress and shoes. My bridesmaids (I had two) had to pay for their own dresses as DH and I were paying for the wedding ourselves, neither of them complained. I was a bridesmaid in the wedding of one of the girls and we had to buy our own shoes as well as the material to make the dresses. I didn't mind in the least. I understand that not everyone has buckets of money at their disposal.

Incidentally I also got their opinions on the dresses to make sure they both liked the style and made sure the dresses were as inexpensive as possible, same with the shoes.

HettyAmaretti · 18/01/2011 07:12

YANBU tell her you'll pay her back in installments as you would have saved up for the dress had she not ordered it without telling you.

MorticiaAddams · 18/01/2011 07:17

YANBU. It's unreasonable of her to expect people to be able to fork out extra money immediately after Christmas. If you can't afford it then you can't give her the money just yet and she'll have to wait.

She is also being unreasonable to have a wedding she can't afford and expect other people to pay for it.

Gemsy83 · 18/01/2011 07:22

YANBU- asking people to be a bridesmaid and making them pay for their outfit so they can be a lovely little pawn in their production but they dont have to put their hand in their pocket for it- meh dont get me started! Its the height of rudeness imo.

PositiveAttitude · 18/01/2011 07:29

I sympathise.

My SIL asked our 4 DDs to be bridesmaids a few years ago. Once they were all excited and in a frenzy we received a note saying they could not afford to have all 4, so if we wanted them to be BMs could we pay for the dressses. Shock Of course I could not bear to say no to the DDs, so ended up paying £150 EACH for 4 horrible dresses that were made absolutely terribly and have only been worn once. - I did feel that if I was paying, I would have preferred them not being hand made, and being an awful lot cheaper.
We did not buy a present for them. Our present was the dresses that she had wanted!!

Just pay what you can, when you can. - I hope the dress is nice, though!

Chandon · 18/01/2011 07:33

how much is it?

FabbyChic · 18/01/2011 07:36

I think it is a good idea to not buy a present, and say that the bm dress is your gift to her.

Original poster
MrsFruitcake · 18/01/2011 07:36

The dress isn't a lot - only £40 but it's £40 I just don't have at the moment.

OP posts:
IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 18/01/2011 07:38

YANBU she shouldn't have ordered the dresses and then informed you that she needed payment not everyone has cash they can just dip into on a whim.
Also agree that you don't have bridesmaids if you can't afford them unless they get totally free choice of a dress that they could possibly wear again.
I am bridesmaid for a friend in August there are 2 of us and she has told us the colour and the style she liked and we all chose together from there and the ride is paying for them.

grottielottie · 18/01/2011 07:38

I'm with gemsy, if you can afford to pay for your bridesmaids yourself then don't have them (same goes for photographer, ushers, champagne). To ask someone to sub your wedding by paying for a dress not of their choosing which they will never wear again is beyond rude, esp as they are probably giving up a lot of time to help too. There are other ways of including people in your wedding.

So YADNBU and she is very luck that you agreed in the first place.

As an add on I think excessive numbers of bridesmaids are tacky anyway.

NinkyNonker · 18/01/2011 07:39

I'm always faintly surprised when people ask their bridal (or groom's) party to pay, very odd. Unless they can choose a dress they would have bought otherwise.she should have consulted you first to make sure the timing and price were good,maybe installments etc?

BootyMum · 18/01/2011 07:41

Agree this is rude. If she wants so many bridesmaids she can bloody factor in the cost of dresses inclusive in her own costs, not palm this off onto others. And I guess she also wants to choose the dresses and specify the price, grrr.

Agree with posters who say that if you have already agreed to this you probably now have to go along with it but I would consider the bridesmaid dress as your wedding present to her.

HSMM · 18/01/2011 08:01

If she wanted you to pay, she should not have asked in front of your DD, so you actually had a choice.

My brother could not afford bridesmaids, so they just told the parents, that any of their children could be bridesmaids, on condition they wore something cream (also smart page boys). When it came to the day, 4 children had volunteered and the bride gave each of them a matching cream cardigan and a matching hair accessory as their presents.

They looked lovely. There was no pressure on anyone. DD had a dress she could wear to parties.

Just ask her if you can pay £10 per month for 4 months?

onmyfeet · 18/01/2011 08:22

It all depends on whether you knew ahead of time, and agreed to it, that you were going to have to give her the money now.

But, if you knew, then unexpected expences have caught you short, then what can you do but tell her? I assume she has paid for them, and unless she is being a bridezilla, she should not mind waiting.
If I were you, I would tell her that you are sorry, but you can't pay until (date you can pay). If you did agree to pay this month, you may be a little red faced, but you can't get blood from a stone.
Good luck.

lizziemun · 18/01/2011 09:44

Why on earth is she buying dresses now for a summer wedding.

I assume your child will not grow in the next 6+ months and the dress will still fit.

FWIW my dd's are bridesmaid at wedding in August and dresses won't be gor before June. As my 2 will grow.

BendyBob · 18/01/2011 09:49

Yanbu. I def don't think bridesmaids should have to pay for their dresses.

TrillianAstra · 18/01/2011 09:55

If you have agreed to pay, you hsould pay.

But if she is a good friend, and if she is not struggling for money herself, she should give you a bit of time in which to pay.

TrillianAstra · 18/01/2011 09:56

She absolutely should have asked you first, with full disclosure of the circumstances, before mentioning it in front of your DD.

LilyLovesSid · 18/01/2011 09:59

I'm getting married in May and I haven't asked my bridesmaids to pay for their dresses. I've asked them to do me the honour of standing with me on my wedding day - why should that honour involve shelling out money on a dress they won't wear again? The only thing I haven't bought is their shoes, but seeing as the dresses are floor length I've just said wear whatever shoes you feel comfy in.

I think you best friend is being U if she didn't warn you about when she was planning on ordering the dresses. Also, if you are paying for this dress, then I would have wanted some input in the dress itself, so hopefully you could get some other use from it (a party dress for example).

Mumwithadragontattoo · 18/01/2011 09:59

YANBU - I think it's thoughtless to ask you to be bridesmaids in front of your daughter assuming she is old enough to understand what was being asked. Your daughter would have been very sad if you'd had to say no. But this is particularly the case if she then expects you to pay for the privilege.

To then order the dresses and demand payment so far in advance and without any warning as to when payment would be needed is beyond unreasonable. I think you just need to be clear and say you didn't know she was ordering dresses and would have said not to if she'd told you as you cannot afford to pay at the moment. She then has the choice of you paying her only when you can afford it or returning the dresses and ordering them later when you have the money.

fatpantsandgladrags · 18/01/2011 10:09

She should have made it clear to you before she asked your DD that you would be expected to pay for a bridesmaid's dress. She also should have let you have a say on style/price of the dress too, and warned you well in advance of when she would expect you to hand over the cash.

IMO the bride should pay for the bridesmaid's dresses. I only had one bridesmaid because we could only afford one dress. Buying your own shoes is fair enough as long as you can choose them yourself.....that way you can spend as much as you like and buy something you would wear again.