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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I really don't know if I am being U and if it's okay to feel a bit miffed?

74 replies

MrsFruitcake · 18/01/2011 07:00

Best friend is getting married this summer. She has lots of bridesmaids, adult ones and children. Because she has so many, and is on a budget, she's asked all the parents of the little ones and the adult BMs to pay for their own dresses, which I was a bit about but let slide.

However, last week, she ordered all the children's dresses and is now asking for the money to pay for them. I have had lots of unexpected bills to pay this month and could do without having to fork out but she is making a bit of an issue about it. What do I do? Put up and shut up? Don't think I can do much else really, but am I being U in feeling fed-up about it?

I also have to pay for shoes closer to the time too!

OP posts:

LouMacca · 18/01/2011 10:52

I am just in that anyone would ask their bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses! I've never heard of that before.

IMO if YOU can't afford to pay for the dresses then don't have any bridesmaid or just have one. Crazy to have so many bridesmaids if you can't even afford to buy/rent the dresses.

TyraG · 18/01/2011 12:17

Maybe it's a British thing, in America it's not an odd thing. And generally when the bridesmaids/groomsmen pay for their outfits, they don't buy a gift.

JuicyLips · 18/01/2011 12:24

we paid for our bridesmaids dresses, I dont think its fair to ask them then make them pay for a dress, that as others on this thread have already said, will only be once for my special day. My bridesmaids even got to pick exactly what they wanted (together, so all the same) as I gave up with it as they were being really fussy.

fel1x · 18/01/2011 12:35

Just be honest with her and say 'I am ok with paying for the dress, but I just honestly dont have the money at the moment and wasnt expecting to have to pay it right now just after xmas with the wedding not being till augaust. i can afford to pay you £10 a month for 4 months though, hope thats ok'

fatlazymummy · 18/01/2011 12:37

YANBU, but you should have said at the time. I agree it is wrong to ask your bridesmaids to pay for the dress, but I would have said so there and then. At the very least once you agreed you should have asked for advance warning for when the money was needed so you could budget for them.

Deliaskis · 18/01/2011 12:56

YANBU, she shouldn't have palmed off the cost on the BMs, if she can't afford them, she shouldn't have so many.

At this point though, it seems as if you have sort of tacitly accepted you are paying. Don't feel pressured to pay now though, a simple 'I wasn't aware they were being ordered so soon so haven't budgeted for this cost this month. I can pay you £x amount by xx date and the rest yy date'. Don't apologise and grovel, just be matter of fact about it.

Iamcountingto3 · 18/01/2011 13:04

If you let it slide, then you can't really complain about her wanting you to pay now - the time to tackle that was when it was first mentioned. A bit late to get into that one now, imo.

At this stage, appropriate to say you don't have the money at the moment/when you'll be able to pay her.

And certainly think it's appropriate to give only a small gift to reflect that you've already paid for the dress/shoes. If I was you, I'd think NOW about what's going to happen with the shoes - maybe suggest some cheap places you could look/set a budget, so that you manage that bill (ballet shoes are a great cheap option). And remind her she can't buy them 6 months in advance.

meantosay · 18/01/2011 13:09

YANBU. If you are paying for the dress you should have had some say over the style and quality of the dress, the price and the timing of when it was bought.

thisisyesterday · 18/01/2011 13:16

sorry, you agreed to pay for the dress.

now you don't want to pay?

is it just that you can't pay right now? if so then just explain that. say you will pay, but this month you simply can't afford it.

not1not2 · 18/01/2011 13:16

can you take control over shoes accessories etc and jsut buy suitable ones that match.
I went to one wedding where the bride told everyone she wanted matching shoes and they should get them dyed to match and she would pay 2 did and sent her the bill which she got miffed about!! the others got together and all agreed to buy silver shoes and no one noticed!

Original poster

MrsFruitcake · 18/01/2011 13:18

I am already doing her favours for her as my gift to her, all 100 of them (she wants them for everyone coming, not just those attending the wedding breakfast!) When I agreed to do them, I though it would be 40 or so but it's closer to 100!

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsFruitcake · 18/01/2011 13:22

thisis, not, it's not that I don't want to pay or won't, just that I can't afford to pay her right now.

OP posts:

WhyHavePets · 18/01/2011 13:27

FGS, lots of people pay for their own/childrens dresses, perhaps a lot of you are well enough off not to need to and have freinds who are also well enough off so have not cme across it but it is far from unusual.

I come from a family where everyone is not well off, infact most are working poor but they still get married, have kids etc. It is totally normal for us to pay for our own meals at weddings, pay for bridesmaids dresses and even pay for honeymoons instead of another usless gift the couple didn't wan tanyway. My little sis is getting married next year so I will be paying for dresses for all my dds (hoping the eldest can use hers for a prom dress too) and suit hire for ds to be an usher - am I bothered? Of course not, we can't all afford everything, I will save for it just like sis is saving for her own dress!

Op, it is £40 and you agreed to it, if you can't pay right now then tell her that and pay next month, or half this month half next. You are actually really lucky she went with the cheap option IMO

Original poster

MrsFruitcake · 18/01/2011 13:31

Well £40 is still more than I'll probably spending on my own dress.

OP posts:

WhyHavePets · 18/01/2011 13:35

Likely, yes. I will be pulling out something old for my sis edding too but that doesn't change much does it? Just explain you can't do it all at once!

Rapaccioli · 18/01/2011 13:37

She's incredibly rude and I'm afraid that I wouldn't have accepted the invitation in the first place, not because of the money but because of her ill-mannered expectation that others should pay for her wedding. Asking in front of my DD would've been irrelevent, children just have to learn that we can't always have what we want or even what others are offering us.

It's more than reasonable for you to say that either she will have to wait for the money or return the dress and have one less bridesmaid which, considering she appears to have so many, would doubtless be the less vulgar option!

sausagemashnpeas · 18/01/2011 13:40

If she is on such a tight budget, why on earth is she having so many bridesmaids??! I was on a budget and I had one!

Megatron · 18/01/2011 13:44

She should not have asked your DD without speaking to you first, that put you in a really awkward position.

I could only afford to pay for one bridesmaid dress when we got married so I had one bridesmade. You cut your cloth accordingly IMO and if someone can't afford to pay for bridesmaids dresses, best man suit etc then I think a re-think on the type of wedding is required.

Megatron · 18/01/2011 13:45

*bridesmaid

thisisyesterday · 18/01/2011 14:15

in that case just tell her. you cannot pay this month, but you'll make sure she has the money as soon as you can get it

GwendolineMaryLacey · 18/01/2011 14:19

I don't buy that WhyHavePets. In my world and, I suspect, most people's worlds judging by the responses on here, if you can't afford the outfits, you don't have the bridesmaids. It's astoundingly rude to expect other people to fund your wedding. That the op should have said something at the time is a different issue but if you can't afford then you don't have. Otherwise I would start up a Justgiving page for the iPad that I want but can't afford.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 18/01/2011 14:27

You've paid for your own meal at weddings WhyHavePets ??
Sorry but NO, I think that's shocking.
If you can't afford bridesmaids dresses then you don't have bridesmaids. If you can't afford a sit down meal then pay for a buffet.
If you can't afford a wedding then save up until you can. I'd be horrified if I was invited to a wedding and then had to pay for elements of it, it's actually unbelievable.

NinkyNonker · 18/01/2011 14:34

If you can't afford a big wedd either get creative or have a smaller one. Don't expect others to cough up.

firstforthought · 18/01/2011 14:43

I always thought paying for the BMs dresses / shoes was part of normal wedding costs. If you can't afford it, don't have BMs! Might sound harsh but how can ask someone to pay to be a BM at your wedding?

firstforthought · 18/01/2011 14:44

x-posted with many

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