I really don't know if I am being U and if it's okay to feel a bit miffed?

[MrsFruitcake]

Best friend is getting married this summer. She has lots of bridesmaids, adult ones and children. Because she has so many, and is on a budget, she's asked all the parents of the little ones and the adult BMs to pay for their own dresses, which I was a bit about but let slide.

However, last week, she ordered all the children's dresses and is now asking for the money to pay for them. I have had lots of unexpected bills to pay this month and could do without having to fork out but she is making a bit of an issue about it. What do I do? Put up and shut up? Don't think I can do much else really, but am I being U in feeling fed-up about it?

I also have to pay for shoes closer to the time too!

Unbelievable to make people pay for their own hideous bridesmade dresses, and it's not the tradition here, thank goodness. I had no bridesmaids, it just wasn't part of my lovely wedding, and the thought of asking people to cough up to attend is terrible!

I expect the rationale behind it is that the BM "gets to keep the dress afterwards."

Yeah, right, like you'd ever be able (or want) to wear it again.

Offer to give it back after the event. Along with the shoes.

I thought it was normal to pay for your bridesmaid to pay for their own dresses?

Everyone I know has

Just be honest and say you don't have the money - she'll admit she should have checked with you first, I'm sure. x

I don't think it's fair to expect the parents of young bridesmaids to pay for their dresses at all. I'm a bit "jury out" on adults because I've done it (ie paid for a hideous dress that I'd never wear again) but I would never ask anyone to do it if I wanted them as bridesmaid.

Hopefully she'll understand and will be ok to wait for the money.

Are we overdue for a Guide to Bride Etiquette?

Rule 1

Your wedding budget should not include an expectation you can put your hand in other people's pockets to pay for your "dream". It's your wedding, but if you want it a certain way, you and your DP (or parents if you are that lucky) pay for it all. Cut your coat (frock) etc etc

Oh honestly stop being so set in your ways! THings are expensive these days. People want to get married but can't afford it all so rather than insisting on a tiny ceremny they say "look we can't afford to pay for everyone so if you would like to attend (and we would very much like you to be there) then please come along, if you would like to be there for the meal you will need to pay, otherwise just come to the evening do" it is not a big deal at all, on occasions I have wanted to be there for all of it so forked out £15 for a meal (not exactly a lot) others I was less bothered and went to the evening do.

Times change, expectations change, when did it become ok to insist that people slave for years to pay for your dinner so you can have a nice day out?? Honestly, it seems really very greedy. I am very glad that I come from my background and not the grabby one a lot of you seem to. I go to a weeding to share in the joy of a marriage not for a free meal

Well we could have paid for the bridesmaids dresses and groomsmen suits, but then we would have had to do away with the open bar. I guarantee you my bridesmaids and the groomsmen much preferred to have free alcohol to paying $40 for a dress and $75 for renting a suit.

Tell her to get lost (in a nice way, if you can keep your cool!) why the do women think that other people give a fig about their 'big day'? She wants the fluff and bs of a big wedding, let HER shell out for it!

I think if you agreed to pay then you will have to, but you don't have to pay immediately. Just tell her you're sorry you don't have it all now, and give her £10 a month. She didn't check with you first and it's not a reasonable expectation that you can afford it in January when the wedding isn't until the summer.

You shouldn't ask someone to be your bridesmaid unless you can buy them the dresses.

I don't think it's unreasonable for a bride to ask if BMs can pay for their own dresses, however this has to be on the proviso that they get to choose what they wear.

Both I and my sister did this for our weddings (although I did offer to pay if they really couldn't afford it) and it was nice getting to choose something lovely that actually suited me.

However, if the bride is doing all the choosing and then just asking you all to pay up, then that is BU.

Absolutely right that the entire cost for wedding should be forked out by bride and groom and family and NOT guests.
Jeez, some people are unreal, do they honestly think the guests are there for the benefit of their (the guests) health or something? . The guests are there to make up the numbers and be the audience. In return for the expense of travelling to venue/other hassles, everything else is provided FREE.
An unwritten rule that your mate needs to be reminded of (if she knew in first place).

I think if you ask somebody to be your bridesmaid, flowergirl pageboy then the bride should pay. Why should anyone else pay? if the bride can't afford to pay then she doesn't have a bm etc simple really. Mostly you fork out all tht money and will never wear the dress suit etc again so why should the bm etc pay for this to fit in with the brides dream theme wedding?

If I was you fruitcake fine let your daughter be flowergirl but pay her for it in instalments if you have agreed to her demands and your daughter is excited but decline the offer to be bmaid yourself Tell her you can't afford both.

Agree with rocklover, its rude to choose the dresses but make the bms pay

If everybody took attitude of your friend, there would be no weddings. Let's be honest here, the main draw for most people is the free food and grub. Weddings are inconvenient for those not directly involved.

I don't think it is too bad asking them to pay, but in that case it should be a joint decision on dresses and cost. If the bride wants to choose, the bride pays IMO.

If the bride is chosing the dresses, the bride should pay. I paid for my bm dresses, shoes, and bolero things, I let them choose they style and I chose the colour.

OP, pay when you can, and let them know it's part of your gift. If you need money for the favours then ask them for it.

I think that the answer is never to 'let comments slide'but a bit late now.

A bride should only have bridesmaids if she can afford to dress them. Asking them to be bridesmaids but to pay for their own dresses (ie for part of the show at her own wedding) is unbelievably ill-mannered

I offered to pay for my DDs bridesmaids dresses when my best friend got married. She is DD1's godmother and it meant a lot to me that DD was there. I knew they were strapped for cash so i offered. She paid for the shoes and everything else.

She wouldn't have asked though, and i went with her when she chose the dresses! I bought all the material for my bridesmaids dresses, but let them choose a style they liked. I think it's VU if the OP didn't offer in the first place. Is she expected to pay for her family's meals too?