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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to come out

75 replies

adrenalinejunkie · 16/01/2011 02:12

I am bisexual i have been pretty much all of my life, i have never had a relationship with a woman and am happily married to my dh who doesnt know i am bi he just thinks i appreciate beauty when really i am thinking phwoar! sometimes i do wish i had had a relationship with a woman but i am not about to cheat as i love my dh more than life itself .
Isuppose what im trying to say is i wish even one person knew the truth but it would probably complicate things unesscessarily and cause problems with some family members who are slightly homophobic (which i hate).is it worth biting the bullet and confessing or should i just jkeep it to myself?

OP posts:
cantspel · 16/01/2011 02:15

why does anyone need to know? Surely your sexual fantasies are private

It is not like you are looking for a relationship with a woman and you are happy in your marriage so why rock the boat and tell your oh.

charliesmommy · 16/01/2011 02:18

would you confess that you wanted to have a relationship with another man?

its no different.. cheating is cheating..

or do you just want to shock them all..

If you had met someone who you just had to be with, then that would be different, but to blow apart your life for the sake of something that hasnt even happened...

MrsBananaGrabber · 16/01/2011 02:18

Unless you are thinking of leaving your DH to explore your sexuality I would keep quiet thb.

ILovedYou · 16/01/2011 02:19

It is possible that you are bi-sexual. I would suggest keeping ot your fantasies as if you met, fell in love and married a guy, you fancy guys more than the ladies. Experiment - have an affiar - you will regret it. it aint all that.

Original poster
adrenalinejunkie · 16/01/2011 02:29

charliesmommy i never said i wanted to cheat inmy thread i said i love my dh more than life itself , and i do not want to shock. I have kept my true sexuality a secret all my life and sometimes would like to have it out in the open so i no longer fear i am going to trip myself up when i see a very pretty girl . I feel it would ease a burden so to speak but could also cause a lot of problems normally i feel it is best to be honest but since i am married should i just keep it to myself ?

OP posts:
ILovedYou · 16/01/2011 02:41

yes you should!!

unless you want to share your fantasy in reality with your husband?

who knows?

but that is another story

charliesmommy · 16/01/2011 02:43

If you are not going to cheat, then I really dont understand why you want anything out in the open.

I dont understand how you would trip yourself up?

Its quite normal for women to have crushes on other women.. and find them sexually attractive.

cantspel · 16/01/2011 02:46

but if you saw a good looking bloke you wouldn't say
phwoar! i really want to shag him to your husband so why do you want to say it about a woman?

MyBrilliantCareer · 16/01/2011 02:57

Everyone fancies someone else sometimes. Does it matter if it's a man or a woman?

If you intend to cheat that's one thing. But you don't need to genderise it.

Original poster
adrenalinejunkie · 16/01/2011 03:04

maybe i shouldnt have used the term phwoar it sounds a bit lechy . My dh and i are quite relaxed with knowing we will fancy other people and have no problem saying someone is goodlooking , usually famous people we do not drool all over people in rl or anything .
When i say trip myself up i have family who would be shocked and would probably fall out with me if they knew the truth , for example my dhthinks megan fox is beautiful and so do i ,he once said it at my mums house and without thinking i said she is amazing and got very funny looks i had to just say i can appreciate a good looking woman but the reality is i actually do fancy her just like my dh does.

cantspel it is not as trivial as running around wanting to shag people it is my actual sexuality , i would want to know if my dh was bi and i would not think this would increase the chance of him cheating on me .

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 16/01/2011 03:06

Tell your husband if you need to tell anyone. As you intend to remain monogamous, your wider family don't need to hear it any more than if you want to be shagged by an alsatian or get pissed on. It is fundamentally private if you don't intend to act on it.

cantspel · 16/01/2011 03:12

yeah but you say you have no intension of cheating so why put extra thoughts into his head?

And saying an actor or famous person is shaggable to your oh is not the same as saying the bloke or woman who works on the cheese counter in tescos gets you hot. You have no chance of having any involvment with someone off the tv and so they are not a threat but the person down the road is assessable and even if you dont intend to cheat ever you oh may still feel threatened.

Heroine · 16/01/2011 03:25
  1. using the term 'phwoar' is not lechy
  2. men like women to talk about their fantasies
  3. even more so if women are scared to say it. and then do.
  4. I have had some wonderful times with men telling them who I fancied and why and them doing the same, even more so when I was saying which women were sexy and why I thought so...
  5. You being honest will drive him wild (posititively!) both emotionally (I love her and she its telling me something really difficult for her) and sexually (she genuinely understands my passions for women and why they are so powerful).
  6. chances are if you are sexually and emotionally open and varied - so is he - boring people find boring people and open people find open people to get together with. There is already something about you that is an essential spark that is a bit different to the norms and that is why he likes you...

The reason I say all this is that I am completely emotionally straight, but I get turned on crazily by stories or conversations about ANY homosecual sex - women licking women, men sucking men etc... and I think that IS supremely part of my sexuality but not necessarily part of my what I think of as me (and in fact the fact that my sexula fantasies are not me is the real benefit of them!) .. if you see what I mean.

If you fancy women -its not that weird to a man - lets face it, men undfancy all sorts of women all the time.. no matter how emotionally committed..... Losing you is the emotional risk he might feel if you tell him , but understanding you mroe deeply is a massive emotional gain that should offest this.

Don't worry about the risk of fucking everything that moves - I am rampantly heterosexual and do often think about men that aren't my husband getting in me or snogging me so much that my hands tingle, but that doesn't mean I am fucking uncontrollably in the streets.

I guess the thing with being bi rather than being turned on by bisexuality, is that you want to do it more inherently that us imaginative perverts... |(!) but I think this is much easier for women to 'go through' with these fantasies/realities than men, as women on women sexuality, warmth, physical and emotional closeness, is far less generally freaky than male on male. I do know though that many men are using male on male porn when they have seen too much 'normal porn' so it migh open up your man to confessing HIS leanings too, which would be wonderful!

Ria28 · 16/01/2011 03:26

Unless your dh is homophobic he shouldn't have a problem knowing you're bi, as you say it doesn't make you any more likely to cheat, and I'm surprised at the number of comments saying otherwise. If you think your family would take it badly you don't need to come out to them. Your sexuality is a significant part of who you are, I imagine most dps would want to know.

Original poster
adrenalinejunkie · 16/01/2011 03:27

my brilliantcareer , i am bisexual it is not a random crush on a woman it is my actual sexuality i am attracted to both men and women equally i just happened to fall in love with a man , there seems to be some confusion on this thread about my intentions

cantspel ,i dont see how my oh would feel more threatend knowing i am attracted to women too, there are a million men in the world i could just as easily run off with if i wanted too he does not feel threatend by them he trusts me completely .

OP posts:
cantspel · 16/01/2011 03:36

adrenalinejunkie he might not trust you completly if you confessed to being bi. Not because of being bi but because you have kept it a secret from him so long he could well start to wonder well if she has kept this a secret whatelse is she keeping from me

Honesty is great in any relationship but it has to be from day one. To spring it on him now might well have him questioning the whole of your marriage.

Original poster
adrenalinejunkie · 16/01/2011 03:39

thank you ria28 and herione finally people who see what i mean and dont think i am about to pounce on some poor woman in the street.
I do too feel sexuality is a big part of who you are and that is why i wish i could confess and not have what feels like a big part of me hidden whether i am about to act on it or not.
my dh is definatly not homophobic i could not stand to be married to someone who is and we are very similar in our outlook on life we both know we will fancy other people we are human we have eyes but we are totally comitted to each other looking at and thinking about other people is fun and keeps you young imho
herione you have expressed the way i think much beter than i could ever write down myself thanks !

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 16/01/2011 04:07

I agree with Cantspel here. This is a biggie to have not mentioned until this point and there is an emotional risk involved here that has nothing to do with homophobia but all to do with trust between your DH and you. He will wonder what else you have been hiding.

anonymosity · 16/01/2011 08:06

OP to be honest, sometimes what you think is your biggest secret, is the most obvious thing about a person. I don't think you need to over-emphasize what those closest to you may suspect already but not be too bothered about having confirmed. Leave it alone.

TotorosOcarina · 16/01/2011 08:11

Well, I'm the same but don't feel the need to tell anyone specifically. MY DH knows and I'm pretty sure most of my family/friends do as well.

but as I'm a happily married woman it makes no difference at all, they all know i fancy men but i have a husband so i don't go around eying up men and commenting on them so its the same for women!

MyBrilliantCareer · 16/01/2011 12:06

Sorry adrenalinejunkie didn't read the OP properly.

wannaBe · 16/01/2011 12:46

I think you are kidding yourself.

I think you want to be "out" because you want to be able to openly fancy other women.

I think it's a slippery slope tbh, and I think that in your mind you don't actually see cheating with a woman in the same way as you would see cheating with a man.

I think that if you come out now it's only a matter of time before you will want your dh to be understanding of your desire to explore your sexuality further. And from there it's just a short step to having an affair with another woman.

I think that if you truely want to come out then you need to be prepared to end your marriage over it - or for your dh to end your marriage.

If my dh came out as bi it would be a dealbreaker for my relationship tbh. I have no problem with people who are homosexual/bisexual fwiw. But I couldn't and wouldn't want to be with someone who wanted to be or who had been with other men.

wannaBe · 16/01/2011 12:52

"my dh is definatly not homophobic i could not stand to be married to someone who is"

It's not about being homophobic. It's about the boundaries you choose for your own life.

I am certainly not homophobic. I have absolutely no issue with the way other people live their lives. But as a heterosexual woman I would not want to be with someone who wanted to have sex with other men. I wouldn't have a problem with him doing it, I wouldn't have a problem with having a platonic relationship with someone who was bisexual. But I would not wish to have a sexual relationship with someone who had or wanted to be with other men. That does not make me homophobic.

animula · 16/01/2011 12:57

This is complex, adrenalinejunkie, and there are many differing opinions even as to how you might be "categorised", and a language given to your emotional/sexual landscape, (and thus a path to political/social action laid out,) within the lesbian/gay/bi community.

I'm sure by posting in AIBU you'll get a range of opinions, but you might get more in-depth discussion (if that is actually what you want) somewhere else on the board. Though the traffic is slower, and you may have to wait a while.

There are also quite a few books on just this subject. I'm an ex-bookseller (from over 15 years ago!!) and can remember "Closer to Home", which would be useful, it has a chapter or two, iirc, on just this - but I'm guessing there must be far more up-to-date books around now.

I'd recommend seeing if "Gay's the Word" in London has a website, and having a look around on it.

Sorry I can't be more help, but my bookselling knowledge is a bit rusty!

InPraiseOfBacchus · 16/01/2011 12:59

I think that if you consider it a large part of who you are, you should be able to share it with your husband. It's the 21st Century, we're allowed to admit we find other people attractive shock! outside the arbitrary "one man one woman" setup.