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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to come out

75 replies

adrenalinejunkie · 16/01/2011 02:12

I am bisexual i have been pretty much all of my life, i have never had a relationship with a woman and am happily married to my dh who doesnt know i am bi he just thinks i appreciate beauty when really i am thinking phwoar! sometimes i do wish i had had a relationship with a woman but i am not about to cheat as i love my dh more than life itself .
Isuppose what im trying to say is i wish even one person knew the truth but it would probably complicate things unesscessarily and cause problems with some family members who are slightly homophobic (which i hate).is it worth biting the bullet and confessing or should i just jkeep it to myself?

OP posts:

Deciduousblonde · 16/01/2011 15:27

BTW ~ I wouldn't give a flying fig what my relatives/friends thought about it..but my DH is another thing entirely.

germum · 16/01/2011 15:30

Haven't read whole thread but:

female bisexuality is viewed differently from male - most men find the idea of two women together a turn on

why should the OP care about the emotional aspects to a gay relationship? She is in a fulfilling marriage

a lot of replies on here are very conservative and prudish - but hey - everyone's different

I am bisexual ( all life) and have only slept with one woman about 10 years ago. I am now married, my DH knew this aspect of myself from day one and has absolutely no problem with it. In fact, he would like to be a part of it.

Speak to your husband - maybe you could both be fulfilled together!

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 16/01/2011 15:43

Maybe you could tell your dh about one if your female fantasies during sex and see how he reacts?

Original poster

adrenalinejunkie · 16/01/2011 15:45

its not just about coming out to my dh it is my whole family not knowing what i consider to be a important part of me and also some can be homophobic and not realise they are actually insulting me deeply . I f my husband came out as being bi i really would not mind because i trust him completely and being bi myself would understand what he is going through.

OP posts:

compo · 16/01/2011 15:46

Do it then!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/01/2011 15:51

adrenalinejunkie... Do you consider people to be homophobic if they accept but don't 'like' your lifestyle/status?

There's nothing you can do about that. Is that what's worrying you?

If you really believe that it's the right thing for you to do then just do it and nevermind what anybody else thinks.

LeninGrad · 16/01/2011 15:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/01/2011 16:00

Some people don't accept really homosexuality as 'normal'. It doesn't mean that they don't love or like the person.

Nobody has the right to attack anybody for their opinions, however wrong they might be.

LeninGrad · 16/01/2011 16:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hogsback · 16/01/2011 16:09

Just don't be surprised if he responds "that's great! Can I join in?" Porn has mainstreamed female bisexuality, albeit an unrealistic vision of it, to such an extent that many younger men see it as the norm.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/01/2011 16:15

LeninGrad... It doesn't matter whether you think it's ignorant; they are free to accept it or not. It's their opinion and whether it can be changed or not is neither here nor there.

It may be considered the 'norm' by some but not by others and there are definitely some who do not 'like it'. But as long as everybody agrees to dissenters live and let live, it doesn't matter does it?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/01/2011 16:16

strike 'dissenters'!

LeninGrad · 16/01/2011 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rinabean · 16/01/2011 16:23

I've not read the whole thread, there was a lot of biphobia on the first page and I don't need to read that. Tell him - it's a part of you. Stress that you don't want to be with anyone else and you're just telling him because you don't like the fact that it's been a secret so far. This is how I dealt with this, and no it wasn't a fucking "slippery slope", I can't believe the things people think it's ok to say about bisexuals. Good luck :)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/01/2011 16:25

LeninGrad... I've wasted many hours trying to change peoples' minds about various things and now I just think that you can tell them what you think, present facts as they are - and then leave them to get on with it. There's no use trying to din it into peoples' heads or to ever get them to change their minds if they don't want to, because they won't.

My personal view is that I don't care who goes to bed with what... male, female, vegetable, whatever... I couldn't care less and it's none of my business.

I don't understand why the OP finds it so imperative to 'come out', she's married and that's that, but each to there own.

hogsback · 16/01/2011 16:25

LyingWitch - it's not the norm but it is normal. Does that help?

animula · 16/01/2011 16:25

It also matters because it's an opinion with power behind it.

It's a long history of social and political pressure that has transformed that "opinion" from being a norm, embodied in law and culture, that limited lives, and discriminated against certain people.

All that oppression is too recent to let that "opinion" go unchallenged.

It is quantitively, perhaps even qualitatively, different from an "opinion" on a matter such as, erm, what colour shoes suit your child best.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/01/2011 16:38

hogsback... I don't really make a distinction between 'normal' and 'norm'. Is it not the same thing?

animula... History is of very little interest to some people, particularly as events have brought about so many changes and hopefully, removed the discriminatory practices to a large extent.

I'm not the type of person not to say what I think, give reasons and my opinion - but I certain don't batter people over the head with my views as that's what gets peoples' backs up and makes them even less likely to listen, nevermind change their views.

On your last point - it's just an 'opinion', nothing more nothing less - whether it's about sexuality, global warming or shoe colour. pfft..

animula · 16/01/2011 16:43

As Marx said : "Those who do not learn from history, are condemned to make excruciating dinner guests."

hogsback · 16/01/2011 16:50

LyingWitch - think of it this way, green eyes are not the norm, but they are normal.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/01/2011 16:59

hogs... Aha, good explanation, there is a difference. I understand that perfectly! :)

animula... As Mrs Marx said: "Those excruciating dinner guests who see fit to browbeat others with their opinions, will not receive a repeat invitation"...

... sorry, couldn't resist, I do understand the point you're making though. :)

Original poster

adrenalinejunkie · 16/01/2011 17:00

i do not consider people who do not like but accept my status to be homophobic, it is the people who say it is disgusting ,wrong or will not have anything to do with a person because of their sexuality I find to be homophobic. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion imo I do not force my views on others I just do not like it when people say being gay or bi is disgusting or wrong or being bi is not a real sexuality it is just being greedy or in denial or you want to hump everything that moves and I have heard them all.
I have a relative who thinks if you are gay you should live in a straight relationship regardless.

OP posts:

Ria28 · 16/01/2011 17:02

Adrenaline - didn't realise how bad your family are, that must be really upsetting. Maybe you could say 'actually, my friend/colleague is bi' and see how that goes? The relatives making those comments probably don't think they know anyone who isn't straight, so maybe saying X likes women and she's not disgusting might make them think?

Mymblesson · 16/01/2011 17:03

Just to gve a male perspective: my wife is bi and I've known about it since we met. Because we're together, she wouldn't shag a woman no more than she'd shag another man.

Actually it can be quite entertaining when we're out and about, because we both fancy the same type of woman: cue much hilarity and arguments about who saw 'her' first.

mathanxiety · 16/01/2011 19:42

'we love each other more and what we have is to special to throw away .'

So why are you willing to risk it? Your DH will be very hurt that you couldn't tell him this from the start and trust him with it, since he is not homophobic and apparently you have never had any indication that he is. And he will wonder (1) why you didn't tell him since this is a huge part of you and a huge thing to keep secret and (2) why you are now telling him. And (3) he will feel pressure to accept you, to accept everything you say since you have already made a commitment to each other, maybe have joint debts, and an established life together, which he may or may not have undertaken if he had known all the facts before making that commitment - not out of homophobia but perhaps out of the sort of personal discomfort that WannaBe mentioned.

You are looking at this entirely from your own pov and are understandably angry with your homophobic family, but you should try to see it more from the pov of your DH and act with the interests of your solid relationship in mind. There are probably more ways of changing your relatives' minds than coming out yourself; actually they are probably beyond hope and you coming out would only jeopardise your relationship and possibly make no difference to the homophobes in your family.

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