to come out

[adrenalinejunkie]

I am bisexual i have been pretty much all of my life, i have never had a relationship with a woman and am happily married to my dh who doesnt know i am bi he just thinks i appreciate beauty when really i am thinking phwoar! sometimes i do wish i had had a relationship with a woman but i am not about to cheat as i love my dh more than life itself .
Isuppose what im trying to say is i wish even one person knew the truth but it would probably complicate things unesscessarily and cause problems with some family members who are slightly homophobic (which i hate).is it worth biting the bullet and confessing or should i just jkeep it to myself?

I agree that if it's a large part of who the op is then she should have been able to share it with her dh.

The question is, why hasn't she felt she could do this before?

I just asked my dh about it and he said, "if she's happily married, then why does she need to tell her dh she fancies women?"

Keep it to yourself, better that way

I agree that if you are happy with DH and don't feel the need to cheat, or leave for another woman, you should keep quiet.

You should only tell if you plan to act on your fantasies or desires. Otherwise your DH is just gonna get suspicious (I know I would!) and do you really want to wreck a good thing?

I think there is a difference between bisexuality and finding other women attractive.

Quite frankly, if you're lusting after other women to this extent I'd question how happy/fulfilling your marriage is?

If I confessed to thinking phwoar at all sorts of attractive men, and fantasizing to extremes about sleeping with them, I think my DP would have a right to be a bit peeved.

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with finding other people attractive I'm sure we all do from time to time, but from what you explain this is more than that?

How would you (or other MNers) feel if their husband confessed to feeling like this about women other than their wife? Or even other men?! Like I say, one thing appreciating beauty, fine for a man or woman to think "wow, she/he's fit", but what you describe sounds like it's beyond that.

As for having to tell family, none of their business (at least while you're married, fair enough tell them if you start a relationship with another woman).

I also wonder how, if the OP has never had a relationship with a woman she can be sure she is bisexual. Bi-curios maybe, but unless it was acted upon, (and I am not suggesting she do this), then she cant really know for sure.

I was very surprised at how many of my peers have been married and leading straight lives for years, and have suddenly left their husbands, and decided they are gay. It seems to be quite a common occurence apparently.

I'd be very careful about what you say to your DH. It's something that would be considered 'major' and, much as you think that your DH thinks alike to you, it can be very different in the abstract to having to face it in reality.

You won't be able to 'unsay' it and the impact to your marriage and/or relationship could truly be beyond what you would wish.

You've 'come out' to yourself, you say you're not intending to have an affair or try it out, so what is the real reason for wanting to go public?

Have you ever actually done anything with a woman? Because just thinking megan fox is gorgeous doesn't mean your bi
it's like saying you prefer vanilla ice cream to chocolate ice cream without having tried chocolate

You got funny looks for saying another woman is 'amazing'? Lmao.

I really don't see your point here. If you're married and you love your husband and you're not going to cheat on him...what's the point in 'coming out' as you put it?

In my view it's not 'coming out' at all if you're not going to act on it...it's simply fancying other women as well as men.

wannabe the reason i said about homophobia is because another poster said unless my dh is homophobic i should say something , i was simply replying he is not and i would not have have married him if he were. If i found out he had been with other men or was actually bi i would not care at all tbh it would not in any way put me off him.

I am not kidding myself i think too much emphasis has been put on the eyeing up/ fancying of people and it has become trivial. My dh and i both agree we will fancy other people we have no problem with it we dont run around drooling or jumping on random people but we do accept there are other good looking people in the world who we will be attracted to at some point or other but we love each other more and what we have is to special to throw away . I cant see why people think that the second you are married you become blind to other people or will never have a connection with someone else it is whether or not you are going to act on it that counts.

The reason I never said anything to my dh when we met was because I had not yet come to terms with it myself I have always known but I had been in denial for a while . Now I have accepted it fully this is the reason I have asked for advice on whether or not to come out about it.

You have told us. Doesn't that help?

I still don't understand why it's an issue NOW.

Can someone help me out here?

There's a bit of a difference with women, especially bi women, that is a cultural difference, Deciduousblonde.

As Charlies'mommy has pointed out, and as adrenalinejunkie has too, there seems to be a whole issue about realisation coming at a later stage in life - often when women are in a heterosexual relationship.

That raises a whole series of complex issues that, frankly, may be out of the range of experience of women who are straightoforwardly, erm, straight.

Obviously, there are bi-women for whom this is not the case, but it does seem to be a cultural thing, and quite prevalent.

That's why I think adrenalinejunkie might be best hunting down some literature on this subject, written by women who've experienced it.

compo I don't think it's comparable to ice cream flavours, really. I knew I was straight before I was ever sexual with a man, and I think it's commonly accepted that most people who are gay know their orientation in childhood / puberty as well. Did you really not know what your sexual orientation was until you'd tried out every possible combination?

adrenalinejunkie if I understand you, your unease comes from feeling that even those closest to you are completely oblivious of a big aspect of who you are (i.e., your sexual orientation), not of something you'd like to do. They're two different things, and if I felt there was an aspect of my basic personality that DH didn't "get", I would want to share it with him too.

I agree, though, that you need to be careful how you do it. If you treat it like a big deal, your DH could be forgiven for being worried about it or for feeling some level of personal hurt. He might think you're getting at something else: that he's not enough for you, that you want to explore that aspect of your sexuality, or that you haven't felt able to trust him with the whole truth of who you are.

Maybe one way to broach it, if you feel you need to, is within the context of the "slightly homophobic" attitude of some family members. You could confide in your DH that you find their comments hurtful and offensive, in part because you have felt yourself to be bisexual for most of your life. You could say that your bisexuality is neither here nor there because you love him and are committed to your marriage (assuming all of this is true, as you've said that it is), but that homophobia is still hurtful to you because bisexuality is an aspect of who you are.

I just think from your DH's point of view, because you've kept it from him in the past, he's bound to think "why is she telling me this now ?". If you provide the answer to that question (because you're bothered by some family members' attitudes and need his support and understanding), he may be less likely to jump to more worrying conclusions about your motive for telling him.

Good luck to you.

I can't understand having sexual feelings and never acting in them no
I don't know how op can know she's bi when she's supposedly happily married and never done anything about it
unless she intends to do something about it which is why she's suddenly decided to come out

charlies mommy if i had remained a virgin til now had never had a relationship with a man but knew i was straight no one would question it , it is something you just know.
bluddymofo my life is certainly not boring and i do not want to create drama it is just something i think about from time to time and since mumsnet is anoymous with a lot of people i thought it would be god to get some opinions first .
Mutznutz and compo I do fancy other women just as much as men and i have has some experiences with women just never a relationship.

fudgegirl i never said i fantasised to extremes about other men/women but i do fancy other men/women from time to time so does my dh i have always been like that its not going to change and i am not going to apologise for it everyone is different , my dh and i see life the same way, same as if we were a couple who loved to swing it may not be for other people but we are happy.
I dont fully know my reasons for wanting to come out tbh have any of you never had a secret you just wish you could tell just one person just to get it off your chest? with no sinister agenda.
I am aware i have come out to millions of people on mumsnet

And i say "may", because, actually, there are quite a few empathetic and (I'm assuming here!) straight women on this thread. But there is also a bewilderment that I think may come from just not having come across this in their own experience.

What adrenalinejunkie is describing, the issues etc., are really, not that uncommon, and there is a huge literature on the subject: sexual identity and authenticity; the politics of coming out; coming out within marriage; sexual identity and raising children; negotiating a bisexual identity within a long-term relationship, etc,. etc.

Ok crossed posts

When you got together with dh did you discuss your sexual past, like how many partners etc? I really dontthink it's a good idea to bring it all up now
but if it will give you peace of mind I'd just tell dh
I wouldn't tell your family as it will make them concerned out your marriage

cloudydays thankyou your post is exactly what i have been trying to explain you have put it much better than i have so thank you for understanding .

A certain relative will sometimes say (if it comes up in discussion) i think its disgusting and i will fight my corner because i hate predjudice of any kind , i sometimes feel like shaking her and saying you are talking about me too ! hence why i have never felt comfortable about coming out .

go for it then! Let us know how they react

How would you feel if your husband came out as bisexual and told you he fantasises about men and wishes he had had a relationship with another man?

Also you seem to be focusing on the sexual/attractiveness aspect of another woman, rather than the emotional aspect of a relationship (talk of fancying and phwoar).

I always fight that corner too, I don't think you have to be gay or bi to hate that kind of predjudice :)

However, what I am failing miserably at is wondering why you need to 'come out' to your DH if you don't intend to act on it? I believe others are also struggling with this concept.

It will quite possibly lead him to believe that you are going to act on it, and as you don't want to risk your relationship, I wouldn't tell him if I were you.