Sick of engaged couples taking pity on me..

[Teenytiny]

Hi Sorry in advance about the rant.

But I have been with my partner now for 5 & half years. we have a daughter from a previous relationchip of mine but he has brought her up since she was 17 months shes now nearly 7. We also have another daughter together who is 4 in a couple of weeks. anyways I am feeling a bit miffed as he still hasnt popped the question, i have asked him but he says "no a woman shouldnt ask they should wait to the guy to ask" he knows i wanna get married & he says he does to but he still hasnt asked (which is getting to me he knows this.) My couson who has been with her partner 2 years (no kids together) is planning her wedding and tbh i feel like shes always rubbing it in my face shes getting married & im not. she is constantly going on to me about th wedding which is another 2 and a half years. i know it may come accross like im jelous (supose i am) but does she really have to talk about it to me constant knowing how i feel? also feel like she takes pity on me and its patronising aw thats a shame hes not asked yet ect i also have friends who are newly engaged who come accross all patnising asking if im engaged and i say no havnt been asked.and they go awww sorry about the rant just sick of people feeling sorry for me/being patronising and my couson faulting it in my face. I expect peopleto think im jelous and bitter?just had to vent sorry. x

back to the main issue - you obviously see marriage as a commitment and don't understand why he won't commit legally to you when it seems emotionally he has.

I suggest discussing it with him again, say you know he wants to be the one to ask, but you want to be married, and if he wants different things from life to you then he owes it to you to be honest so you know where you stand.

Assuming he doesn't then say "actually, I don't believe in marriage" you give him a deadine - you will be starting 2012 either engaged, married or single, and by single you mean no longer with him. You pomise you won't mention it again between now and then, he can ask you without a ring, but if he gets to New Years eve and hasn't proposed he accepts it will be the end of your relationship.

you need to take control of the situation. Good luck!

BaggedandTagged has put it very clearly, and not abusively at all. I'm beginning to wonder what is wrong with your comprehension skills.

sorry but when you resort to attacking me and and abusing my partneting skills you have no right!!!

Im gona let my partner read this see what he thinks

People are giving you good advice here. Please read it and don't think everyone is attacking you, calling you a bad parent, saying you're not good enough to marry etc. You posted on AIBU, a rookie mistake if you wanted support and for people to agree with you but in one reply you said you were a woman and not a twelve year old child. A woman needs to think of the future.

Without a will your partner won't be the legal guardian of the DC that isn't biologically his. DC will be separated from DC2 and will live with another biological family member if they were willing or would go into care. Your partner would have to adopt that DC legally or it would have to be written into the will or your partner will face a long, brutal court case. This isn't about money, this is about your DC.

He has an excuse for every occasion. The only way to find out for sure is to lay all your cards on the table and have a thorough talk. It wouldn't be nagging, it would be telling him what you want and expect and it's an opportunity for him to stop the excuses and give you real information. After ten years and countless excuses I can say that if he wanted to marry you, he'd have found a way. His reasons for not marrying you are his own and I don't think any of the excuses he's spouted are the real reason.

I feel for you but I don't think you'll leave him if he doesn't ask because you love him.

Teeny I think that what the posters are saying is that if you are not married and do not have a will and one of you dies then you could potentially be left bereft /your children split up etc.

Now if you had made wills then it would suggest a deeper level of commitment from your DP.

I think if you want soft supportive replies to your posts then you may be better posting in the "Relationships" area.

Back to your OP - I think "engaged couples taking pity" is more to do with your reply to them "i say no havnt been asked." You are making it clear that it is what you want (but he is unwilling) and they are making suitably synmpathetic noises in response.

Whereas if you were to say in reply to them as you have to us DP has said "you know i want to marry you i just wanna be able to afford a nice ring" then their response may be different?

LauLauLemon has said what I was trying to

Also, I don't think I made it clear in my last post, being your partner and looking after DC1 does NOT make him her legal guardian. If you were to die, DC1 wouldn't stay with him without him a) legally adopting her even if you're married or b) you write your wishes for DC1 to stay with him in a will.

Legalities are nothing to do with who's done the looking after of the child. If it's not legal and you die, DC1 won't be living with your partner and DC2 without a will or adoption. Sure, your partner can go to court but that's lengthy. You could write a will in ten minutes.

teenytiny- was definitely not attacking your parenting skills and sorry if that's what you thought.

However, many people are under the mistaken impression that just because they see guardianship for their child as "obvious"- your DP has been your DD's father in actions since she was 17 mths old, so to you and her, he's her dad- it doesn't follow that the courts will see it like that and it could take a long time for them to decide who should look after her if anything (heaven forbid) happens to you, especially if they have no idea what you wanted.

If I'm lecturing you, it's only because I've seen first hand what happened to my friend when her husband died without a will (they were both in their late thirties and just never got round to it- he was then killed in 7/7) and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Appreciate that this thread had got a bit side tracked from when you started off, but I think these things are worth bringing into your chat with your DP.

I know it's got a bit heated on this thread but would like to say that my cousin's partner is in similar situation to you...she wants to marry and they ahve been together for years, she has three kids from previous marriage (husband died). She kept asking and he kept saying no for same reason as your partner...he believed it was up to the man to ask. When my cousin has spoken to me about this his view is this....'I want to ask and I'll ask when I feel I am not being pressured into it, the more she asks the more I feel pressured the less I actually want to ask' Maybe your parner feels like this to.

TeenyTiny - this wouldn't be a problem if you both wanted the same thing - either marriage or staying as you are at the moment. But you don't - you want marriage, he knows you want marriage and he knows that it upsets you not to be married.Your DP says he wants marriage - but if he really did, wouldn't you be married by now?

I think that it's unfair that he's making excuse after excuse over marriage. If he doesn't want to do it then you need to know rather than continuing to pursue a happily ever after than may not exist.

everybody's talking about the legal side of it teeny bcs this is important. but for you the most important thing is that you want that ring on your finger and for the world to know he is committed to you in the way you would like - fair enough! you want the wedding, end of. it's obvious him not proposing is really hurting you. you've been honest about that - and tbh I don't think for a minute you are alone with wanting your man to get on with it and marry you. this is what you want and nothing else matters more to you at the mo, which is fair enough!

it's a shame you don't have much family around bcs we were in a similar position in our family with my neice. although she insisted she didn't care one way or the other about getting married but was happy to live together (no children), we weren't convinced. it started with my mum having a word with her partner (when are you going to make an honest woman of her? this didn't go down well all round but tbh I was glad somebody was saying it, and my aged parents were the ideal people to say something like that), then my dad (ditto); then my sis, her mum, put a box of confetti in his christmas stocking - all meant to be a joke and light-hearted but obviously serious underneath. it was obvious we were all waiting for him to get on with it. in the end he proposed in the most romantic way and had put a lot of effort into the ring. do you have anybody who could have a word with him? I don't think he fully realises how much this is upsetting you.

it sounds like your oh feels intimidated by the whole shebang, not least the cost of a good ring. it sounds like he wants to give you a good ring and would feel ashamed if he didn't. men can be a bit der about what is important to a woman and it could be that he feels the pressure to make it all perfect. tell him he doesn't need to, that you would be very happy with something more low-key (would you?).

the cat's out of the bag and all your friends know that you want to get married bcs you can't hide it and it is getting critical now. can one of them have a word with him? not threatening but just come on, get on with it, she's wilting away.

good luck sweetheart. MN is a bit strong sometimes but also very kind a lot of the time (surprisingly so) under a brusque exterior. all the advice about legal stuff etc is actually very caring even though people can say it in a tough way. have you heard of netmums? that's a bit softer.

sorry, I've written an essay here . I do wish you all the best and hope you don't have to wait too long before you get the desire of your heart xx ps he sounds like a good man

I think ultimately people are being very supportive, they are supporting you and saying make sure you get treated properly, and suggesting ways you can make sure this happens. Some of it is nasty to hear, but true. That is real support, not just smiling and nodding and saying what you want to hear. I certainly didn't marry dh for the money (haha) but we have had the conversation, made provisions. It's called adulthood unfortunately.

Have another convo with him. If it is just that he isn't that fussed with marriage as a concept be needs to stop fobbing you off and be straight with you,you can still be committed without marriage,but if that is the case you need to think long and hard about if you're happy with that.

LauLauLemon - your statement 'If you were to die, DC1 wouldn't stay with him without him a) legally adopting her even if you're married or b) you write your wishes for DC1 to stay with him in a will' isn't entirely true unless someone who is biologically linked to the child asks for the child to go to them it is very unlikely that she will be taken from him seen as though he has brought her up for so long. when someone dies social services don't just wade in and take the non biological child, he will however have to go through a legal process of taking responsibility but he doesn't have to adopt her. (not sure if its a boy or girl i just scanned through the replies sorry).

Teenytiny - marriage isn't everything if you have a strong loving relationship that works for you why need the extra stress and cost of planning a wedding and honeymoon

Teenytiny there are a lot of people on here with a lot of life experience. It may seem as though you are being attacked but really everyone is just trying to get you to open your eyes to the realities of life. Shit happens and it doesn't always happen to someone else.

In all honesty, if you hadn't said you were mid twenties with two children then I would have assumed you were a teenage girl from the level of maturity shown.

StrawberrytTot - I agree with you when you say that social services won't just wade in and take the non-biological child but unless the child is legally his or it's stated in the will it can become a complicated process which could cause distress for DP, DC1 and DC2 if, God forbid, anything happened. There would be legalities and policies to follow with or without a biological family member and if there were a biological family member there would likely be court proceedings and things could get heated. I'm not saying that this is what happens in every case as it's every likelihood that her partner will get custody of the child once the legalities have been sorted but I wanted to make the OP aware that it wasn't as simple as 'he's brought her up therefore he is her guardian and father and if i die it'll all be fine without a will because i don't want to think about such morbid details'.

The OP seems to be more interested in being a 'Mrs' and having a husband rather than the facts of life. The only certainty is that we will die so planning ahead doesn't mean the OP is going for the money but more that she's being a responsible partner and a responsible mother as would he be a responsible partner and father to do the same. As much as I'd love to help her see her immaturity I fear that she's going to throw her toys out of her pram some more because I mentioned death and money.

whats that supposed to mean you would assume i was a teenage girl with the level of maturity shown. i dont get why people are so rude.

I have came on here and got abuse and nastyness saying im imature and all sorts wtf

and myself and oh has spoke about it and i will make a will

well sorry to dissapoint you but you dont know me so have no right to say im immature, a bad mum and only interested in getting married not my children how bloody dare you. what kind of a person says that.

and yes myself & oh have disscused the will which i will do. so there you go im not a terrible, irraponsable selfish mother after all.

its weird how this thread has went to a whole diff subject!!

But i think its hipocritical for grown women to bitch and be nasty and say im immature maybe you should look at yourself!!

I don't reckon anyone meant to offend you...I think they were a bt pushy in telling you why you need to take some control of your life...people on here can be gobby...but they are really really lovely when you need some help too...people sw that you really wanted too ge tmarried...and tried to help you do that.

Teent don't worry about stuff that gets said on here, things can come across worse than intended when you can't hear someone's voice.

I am the same age as you and I don't have a will... must make one I guess... the thought of it scares me but I guess when you put it into context it has to be done for everyone's sake.

Also my real sperm donor father did'nt really ahve much to do with me as he and my mum got married at 16 then had me and he decided it was'nt for him but my step dad raised me from the age of 4 and he means far more to me now than any biological ties ever will so like others have said make sure your DD stays with her dad!

On the marriage front I would say being your DD's dad is a far bigger commitment but I think you should speak with him and explain why you want to get married because it seems like yiou really want it for the right reasons if that makes sense, but just make sure he's willing to take on everything else if the worst were to happen.

Tbh i dont think a lot of the comments like my partner thinks im good enough for children but not good enough to marry, that if he hasnt done it he wont and that im immature mother is lovley, helpfull or supportive at all. (well its certainly not my idea) This is my first thread and maybe i should have poster somewhere else (now i feel like i shouldnt have even joined) and tbh i doubt ill be hanging around to see what else people can say to bring me down.

Just because i hadnt thought about a will about my partner to have pr for DD1 does not mean i am or deserve the abuse and to be told im immature and that all that matters is im married. thats way out of order and does not give them the right.

I wouldnt sink so long to attack someone for the parenting skills or just be plain rude and offend them just for wanting to marry the one she loves & for not thinking about a will.

In a way im glad the will was mention as we discussed this and will do it! however the is a way of speaking to someone and the way i was spoke to was out of order.

so thanks for the suggestion of the will and i dont take kindly to peronal attacks for nothing. humanheart thank you so much what a lovley post. he is a good man xx

Thank you mamadiva he is willing to take care of both our children if the worse happens. now can we stop talking about dying now its freaking me out lol.

Thanks for posting x

No probs Teeny :)

And don't bugger off just yet! MN can be a scary place at first, I had to name-change after a few months because I kept getting into run ins with people, but almost 3 years on I really do think it's great. Some of the advice I've had has been invaluabkle and in some cases Im pretty sure it's saved my sanity :o

We can be a nasty bunch and there will always be one or 2 twats around but the good far outweighs the bad!

I would love to know where your parenting skills have been slagged off

Well i have been acused of being an imature mum (as well as imature in general) for not thinking about a will. im glad it was brought up as it gen wasnt something i thought about.

That i was only interested in being mrs

Its been said now. Im not sure if i will post again tbh there has been a couple of supportive posts but i dont know if i can be spoke to like i was on every post. x

I mentioned immaturity because you're taking pity on yourself because you're not engaged despite you living with this man, being together for ten years, him raising your DC1 as his own while also taking responsibility for his own biological child with you. You're 24, you don't have to get married just because your peers are, you don't have to resign yourself to a life with this man who seemingly won't propose to you after you've tried everything you can think of and him seeing this thread and you can't think about the inevitable future because you think it makes you out to be morbid and a golddigger. These, unfortunately, are facts of life and facts of adulthood.

Marriage is an institution some want, others don't. You saying your friends are taking pity on you is because in your responses you clearly sound like ypu want him to but he hasn't. It's perfectly reasonable to be jealous and want these things and while your partner says he wants these things, his words and lack of action prove otherwise. Like I said, he has an excuse for every occasion and quite frankly, as am objective outsider, none of them are good enough when faced with your rebuttal.

The legal side of things is to make sure you know the law which you quite obviously haven't thought about. That's not tp say you're a bad mother or you don't think of your DC's but it's something you are now thinking about and are going to do thanks to the advice here. You should be thanking everyone, even if you think their opinions are nasty. There are a lot of people here willing and trying to support you but because they're not agreeing with you you don't like it.

I'm sorry if I came across as judgemental, I just wanted to provide you with information you'll find useful.