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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sick of engaged couples taking pity on me..

142 replies

Teenytiny · 16/01/2011 00:21

Hi Sorry in advance about the rant.

But I have been with my partner now for 5 & half years. we have a daughter from a previous relationchip of mine but he has brought her up since she was 17 months shes now nearly 7. We also have another daughter together who is 4 in a couple of weeks. anyways I am feeling a bit miffed as he still hasnt popped the question, i have asked him but he says "no a woman shouldnt ask they should wait to the guy to ask" he knows i wanna get married & he says he does to but he still hasnt asked (which is getting to me he knows this.) My couson who has been with her partner 2 years (no kids together) is planning her wedding and tbh i feel like shes always rubbing it in my face shes getting married & im not. she is constantly going on to me about th wedding which is another 2 and a half years. i know it may come accross like im jelous (supose i am) but does she really have to talk about it to me constant knowing how i feel? also feel like she takes pity on me and its patronising aw thats a shame hes not asked yet ect Angry i also have friends who are newly engaged who come accross all patnising asking if im engaged and i say no havnt been asked.and they go awww Angry sorry about the rant just sick of people feeling sorry for me/being patronising and my couson faulting it in my face. I expect peopleto think im jelous and bitter?Sadjust had to vent sorry. x

OP posts:
Original poster
Teenytiny · 16/01/2011 12:22

I see well im new here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Teenytiny · 16/01/2011 12:24

I think after this is wouldnt be a good idea lol

OP posts:
ZillionChocolate · 16/01/2011 12:26

You've posted on AIBU complaining that your newly engaged friends/family acknowledge that they're getting what you want but your partner refuses to give you. What else are they supposed to say? Artifically refuse to discuss it? That would be patronising.

Plainly there is a problem in your relationship because this is an issue for you. Sort it out!

bronze · 16/01/2011 12:26

AIBU does come with a warning

I would ask him to make wills for the security of his child. How he handles that would tell me a lot about what he really feels

bubbleOseven · 16/01/2011 12:28

Teeny,. post the same dilemma on the relationships board and you'll get different advice.

AIBU can be a tad confrontational at times!

Welcome to mumsnet. Please stay.

Does your child have your surname or your partners?

Arion · 16/01/2011 12:38

Teeny tiny, you would get more support on the relationships forum, AIBU tends to get a bit heated!

Personally, I think you need to have a discussion with him, somewhere neutral and sort out what both of you are thinking.

My situation was slightly different as pre kids but after 3 years and no sign of engagement I had a meal out with dp and laid cards on the table. Conversation went along the lines of, I want children, I love being with you, I want to be married before I have kids (just my comfort levels not judging anyone else who choose differently), you need to decide what you want as at some point my clock will be ticking and if you still don't want marry me my need for a child might be stronger than our relationship. Been married nearly 8 years now and 2nd dc on way. Some friends shocked at what I said but was just straight with him and he was straight with me. Was about another 6 months before we got engaged, after conversation I left it to him as we both knew the score.

Most important though is you need to sort out a will as you have no rights on his estate if he dies and you are not married.

Sorry it's a long one!

Original poster
Teenytiny · 16/01/2011 12:40

God lord whats with a will and if he dies :O I shouldnt have came on this site.

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BlueFergie · 16/01/2011 12:40

Look just talk to him. Tell him that getting married is important to you and youwant to know his exact feelings on the issue. if this is upsetting you, you need to let him know. Get him to tell you honestly what he thinks of getting married and when he is thinking it should happen. Then you need to decide if you are happy with his answer. If this is a deal breaker for you you need to let him know.
It does seem to me that he is toying with you a little and that is not fair.

ilovesooty · 16/01/2011 12:55

I think the will and protecting yourself financially are the important issues. If he were to die in the immediate future you'd need to know that you were in a secure financial position. Of course being married rather than cohabiting would mean that. I agree with the poster who suggested that this is an aspect you need to consider. Otherwise I also agree that by having a child with you and taking your eldest on as his own he is showing commitment.

Original poster
Teenytiny · 16/01/2011 13:00

Well firstly i would rather not think of people dying and its not important to make sure i have money cos if he died that would be the last of my worries. he dont have any properties, cars, money so pretty pointless making a will. its not what its about. and yes i do know hes commited by having our kids.

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ilovesooty · 16/01/2011 13:03

"Well firstly i would rather not think of people dying and its not important to make sure i have money cos if he died that would be the last of my worries."

Considering these things is what grown ups in a committed relationship do: married or not.

Original poster
Teenytiny · 16/01/2011 13:05

a will aint important to me its not all about money. i wished i didnt bother posting tbh i just feel worse. anyways thanks im gona delete my accont. i shouldnt have come on here i was lookin for support and thats not what people wanted to offer. thanks for posting though bye

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ilovesooty · 16/01/2011 13:08

Oh well, if you only wanted people to agree with you and didn't want to take on other ideas loike an adult does you're probably better off chucking your toys out of your pram.

If you aren't sufficiently mature to consider your children's future that's your look out.

bronze · 16/01/2011 13:09

It would show hw was committed to you though. If he said no to a will I would be worried. If he said yes to a will then I would be more inclined to think he had a problem with marriage not a problem with being tied to you.

Even in relationships people will give honest answers.

Money isn't everything but you do have a child together and so are both responsible. You claimed earlier to be a woman not a child, it's what women do.

BaggedandTagged · 16/01/2011 13:10

Teenytiny- but thats the problem. It wouldn't be the least of your worries. It would make an already very sad and traumatic time a lot worse.

I cant imagine anything worse than losing Dh but we have had the talk- what will happen if I die, what will happen if you die, what will happen to DS if we both die? It doesnt mean I want him to die or cant wait to get my hands on the loot, but nor do I want to be in a situation where he dies and I have my credit card stopped indefinitely because there was no will (as happened to a friend of mine- estate was frozen as no will) and I cant even buy food or petrol. That's not going to improve things.

If he wont marry you, at least make a will, if not for your sake, for your daughters. If you died, he wouldn't automatically be her guardian.

Original poster
Teenytiny · 16/01/2011 13:12

Look dont dare attack my parting skills you have no right. just because some like maybe yourself would marry their childs father for the money im not like that. i told you my partner has no properties, cars or money to make a will for anyways.

I came on here looking for support not abuse if you think abusing someone is support then you are wrong! its not about people disagreeing there is a differnce between that and abusing someone. i was told not to come on this site for this reason i should have listened!!

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ilovesooty · 16/01/2011 13:13

BaggedandTagged that's a good point. She needs a will to established the guardianship of her eldest - assuming the child isn't formally adopted - and it's only common sense. Most adults consider this in case, for example, they both die at the same time in an accident.

But the OP is obviously not a grown up.

mumto2andnomore · 16/01/2011 13:15

I think you are only upset by what people have said because you know its true. A decent man would marry you and give you the stability you want. If he didnt want to marry you he should have been straight from the start so you could decide whether or not to have children with him. Good luck.

Original poster
Teenytiny · 16/01/2011 13:16

are people not listening here we are not rich we dont have loads of money we dont have a car or properties the thread was supposed to be about marrage not dying and wills. and he is her guaridan theres noone else but me & him who look after her. Now i dont wish to be kicked anymore when im down

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ilovesooty · 16/01/2011 13:18

Has he formally adopted her? What would happen to your children if both of you were to die in an accident?

Are you simply more concerned about being able to flaunt "Mrs" as your title than about your family's futures?

Original poster
Teenytiny · 16/01/2011 13:19

yeah i know you are supposed to be a grown woman that how your sitting bitching and abusing people on a site

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BaggedandTagged · 16/01/2011 13:19

Yeah that's right. I married Dh for the money. In fact, I'd better go and poison his cocoa now.

Talking about contingencies (look it up) is not about wanting someone dead so you can inherit. It's what adults do, because the one certainty is we're all going to die, and for all I know that could be tomorrow, and I want Dh to know what my wishes are. I really dont see anything wrong with that. Your circumstances are somewhat more complicated due to the fact that your DP, although he acts as your DD1's dad, is in fact not her biological father. Therefore, if you want him to look after her if anything happened to you, you need to make that explicit.

Even if you have no money, it's important to write a will, just to get the custody situation down in writing so no-one can dispute what you want.

Original poster
Teenytiny · 16/01/2011 13:20

what do you mean what would happen if we both died? what relevance has my partening, if my child is adopted by my partner got to do with my op? if you cant say anything nice dont say it at all.

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HelenBa · 16/01/2011 13:21

Could you not take control a bit more? I mean marriage is something that two people decide to do, talk to him about it and explain it's not about him asking you but about the you two of you sitting down and deciding together when and how it will happen.

And if you don't want people feeling sorry for you don't say that you are not engaged yet because you haven't been asked but because you and your partner want to wait til you can do it properly.

Original poster
Teenytiny · 16/01/2011 13:22

sorry but he might not had "made" her but he has done far more for her than the one who did. ok i will write it down then thanks

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