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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sick of engaged couples taking pity on me..

142 replies

Teenytiny · 16/01/2011 00:21

Hi Sorry in advance about the rant.

But I have been with my partner now for 5 & half years. we have a daughter from a previous relationchip of mine but he has brought her up since she was 17 months shes now nearly 7. We also have another daughter together who is 4 in a couple of weeks. anyways I am feeling a bit miffed as he still hasnt popped the question, i have asked him but he says "no a woman shouldnt ask they should wait to the guy to ask" he knows i wanna get married & he says he does to but he still hasnt asked (which is getting to me he knows this.) My couson who has been with her partner 2 years (no kids together) is planning her wedding and tbh i feel like shes always rubbing it in my face shes getting married & im not. she is constantly going on to me about th wedding which is another 2 and a half years. i know it may come accross like im jelous (supose i am) but does she really have to talk about it to me constant knowing how i feel? also feel like she takes pity on me and its patronising aw thats a shame hes not asked yet ect Angry i also have friends who are newly engaged who come accross all patnising asking if im engaged and i say no havnt been asked.and they go awww Angry sorry about the rant just sick of people feeling sorry for me/being patronising and my couson faulting it in my face. I expect peopleto think im jelous and bitter?Sadjust had to vent sorry. x

OP posts:
awubble · 16/01/2011 01:31

Yeah! Because lets face it, if you can't get what you want now who can tell what he might not want to do in the future !

Stick it to him and if he won't do what you want, don't listen to any reason that's just his way of controlling you, end it. You'll get money out of him so what's to worry about ?

Original poster
Teenytiny · 16/01/2011 01:33

Hes not controlling :s
what do you mean ill get money out of him? i dont care about money.

OP posts:
charliesmommy · 16/01/2011 01:34

"'Wait till I ask you"

"He says he would never propose on valentines day/bday/xmas anything like that cos id only be expecting it"

"i have told him that he dont have to spend a fortune on a ring but he said i dont wanna buy you a cheap one"

"Hes not the type of guy that does something cos someone else wants it"

Hmm

He seems to have an avoidance excuse for any occasion...

onmyfeet · 16/01/2011 01:40

Tell him you want to be married by a certain date. You do not need an engagement ring, he can get you an eternity ring for your 5th anniversary instead. Wedding bands are not expensive.

And, is he saving up for this nice ring he wants to give you? If he hasn't been, he is all talk and no action.
Perhaps you need to go choose out a ring and ask him to go arrange a payment plan.
Anyways, ring issue aside, you are the mother of his children and want to be married. Ring or no ring.
I would be very offended if I proposed to the father of my child and they said no.
Just tell him a date.

Or else forget about being married...how important is it to you anyways? Would you stay with him if he said he didn't beleive in marriage? I know you said he wants to get married, but if he told you he never wants to get married, are you ok with that?

awubble · 16/01/2011 01:41

Sorry Teeny, i was being sarcy at some of the other posters.

I know you want to get married, and to be honest the only reasonable thing you can do is talk to him about. A real big sit down talk. Let him know how much you want this and ask him how he feels, is it really a case of saving up or is there something else he isn't letting on. No tricks or hints or half jokes just straight up honest chat.

Best of luck.

Original poster
Teenytiny · 16/01/2011 01:42

Tbh not really if thats how he felt he should have made it clear 5 years ago. i dont want things to never move forword be claseed as single all my life lol x by hey ho we dont all get what we want welli dont lol

OP posts:
charliesmommy · 16/01/2011 01:48

Do you own a property together, and have you made a will?

Original poster
Teenytiny · 16/01/2011 01:49

Yeah we have lived together for 5 years no we dont have anything to make a will for lol we dont have lots of money, cars or own a property

OP posts:
FaffTastic · 16/01/2011 03:56

Sorry, but I don't buy the lack of commitment argument hat some posters are saying. You have a child together. That is the biggest commitment there is - you will be tied together for life in one form or another because of that.

My DH and I do not have children together. If we were to divorce there would be no reason for us ever to have to set eyes on each other again.

I can understand the reasons why you might want a bit of paper and public expression to formalise your commitment but, don't worry, it will come in time if you both want it to and in the meantime try to ignore all the smug engageds who feel that a piece of paper validates their love and makes them 'better' than you.

TheProjectManager · 16/01/2011 05:52

Couldn't agree more, and the point that he is looking after a child that you consider his but is not his is a marker of his love/ respect/ character.

IMO real men don't like getting pushed into things and sone find the whole circus of weddings a real nightmare, it's not just a ring it's the dress/venue/overall expense as men don't see that an engagement is the promise that you want - they see it realistically as leading to a wedding, especially if your cousin is demonstrating this by going on about nothing else two and a half years out.

Maybe level with him in a nn emotional unconfontational way and tell him why you want to get married then tell him you're going to drop the pressure for a few months and give him a chance.

Getting engaged on another occasion is just hallmark inspired bollocks, give him a chance to have some kind of ownership over the occasion, would you really want a proposal that you extracted from him under duress?

He loves you, hold your head up high and enjoy it... Everything will fall into place just have a bit of confidence and faith!

TheProjectManager · 16/01/2011 05:58

Also when some people get pregnant want the rest of the world to get pregnant, same with marriage, they just get a bit wrapped up in their own stuff and a bit insensitive to the rest of the world around them... Don't get dragged into it, go see some of your other mates that are up to different things and get a balance, othewise when your cousin has her first kid you might get dragged into wanting another one of them too!! Good luck

onmyfeet · 16/01/2011 06:00

Teeny, better find out from him, rather than what we are all saying, how he truly feels.
I do think him not accepting your proposal was very hurtful, but it happens to men all the time. Maybe he seriously does want to do something romantic, propose beside a waterfall of something! He could feel he has to have something to offer you before marrying you. In which case you can tell him all you want is to be his wife, and the hell with a big ring.
awubble makes sense, an uninterrupted heart to heart.

TechnoKitten · 16/01/2011 06:05

I do wonder though, if it's being married to him that you are after (because you're living as a married couple now in all but name) or if it's the ceremony/planning/girlie "this is how he proposed" talks, etc etc.

Marrying someone isn't just the day, it's the lifetime of commitment - and you have that already, in your child together and your first child that he is raising as his own.

Maybe he wouldn't be so concerned about getting married if he thought he wouldn't have to go through all the wedding fever?

As you're so desperate to marry him, could you suggest that he buys you a plain wedding band (they are far cheaper than engagement rings!) and you elope somewhere with your children, have a spanking 2 week holiday and come back with the deed done?

Pick your moment to talk about it and I would let up on the pressure for a few months anyyway.

BaggedandTagged · 16/01/2011 06:17

Marriage is NOT just a piece of paper. It is a legally binding contract which fundamentally changes the way in which your relationship is viewed in the eyes of the law should you split up. If you're not married, you might as well be flatmates for all the law cares. Common law relationships are not recognised in the UK- it's a myth.

Marriage gives you a lot of protection, especially if you earn a lot less than your partner/ nothing due to the fact that you are or have been a SAHM.

It's not about "proving your love" but about getting that financial protection should you split.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 16/01/2011 08:49

Yes...and some people feel the need for a legal commitment...I don't think telling the OP to put up with it and be happy that he's living with her is any good!

oggybags · 16/01/2011 08:58

2 friends just got engaged after 14 years, and another after 4- point being different times different people, focus on something else and he'll suprise you one day I'm sure! Worth having a calm 'i know we've discussed it but I do need you to know marriage is important to me' coversation
ps when he does do it do t then turn into a mental bridezilla!!! Xx

NannyState · 16/01/2011 09:09

Only read your OP.

You are upset with your partner because you to want get married and he obviously isn't that bothered. I also think the 'you should wait for the guy to ask you' is stuff of the 1950s.

Don't take it out on your friends. Have a frank discussion with your partner about how this is making you feel instead.

sarahtigh · 16/01/2011 09:23

most men freakd out by weddings , are you prepared to just get married quietly with your DC and 2 witnesses at registry office?, well of course big weddings cost a fortune but you can have nice wedding and lunch at good restaurant for 15-20 people for a few hundred pounds get mate to take photos with good camera etc

you need to know exactly what is putting him off

I have never had an engagement ring just a wedding ring ( which got lost fell off my icy finger in the cold) and have to get new one but nice ring is not important its marriage not the wedding

I think bringing up a child that is not his bologically is a sign of commitment to you, but you need to ask specifically if he is anti-marriage because if he is you need to think about how you want to procede no point saying I wanted to be married by end of 2012 if at the end of 2012 if you not married nothing changes,

but do think about your position particularily if he owns the house as there will be no maintenance etc as he is not father, if joint tenants owners its easier

Original poster
Teenytiny · 16/01/2011 11:42

Im pretty flabergasted with the replies tbh. and i feel people have judged far too easy without knowing the big picture and also without knowing anything about me & my partner.
Firstly I wouldnt just get married/pregnant cos other people are doing that im a woman not a 12 year old. that would be pretty pathetic to get pregnant/married just cos its the latest trend.

Secondly i dont constantly pressure oh into it. he said he does want to and hes not a bullshitter that will just say anything.

We have a child together as well and its not about money, so im not thinking about the devorse & money why would i get married if i was? lol

Im shocked at how people dont go about it the supportive way but if anything would make you feelworse by saying im good enough to have his kids but not good enough to marry.

However its water off a ducks back cos i know its not all true. thanks for posting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Teenytiny · 16/01/2011 11:42

also if we did get married there wouldnt be much family there so its not about a huge big wedding.

OP posts:
MorticiaAddams · 16/01/2011 12:07

Teenytiny, firstly people can only judge you based on what information you give them and aren't privy to the bigger picture.

Secondly this is AIBU and it about opinions not support, if you wanted support then use another forum.

It sounds as though you need to have a proper conversation with him. His answers of wanting it to be a surprise and wanting to afford an expensive ring are incredibly superficial and it doesn't sound as though either of you have expressed your real feelings regarding marriage.

Original poster
Teenytiny · 16/01/2011 12:18

Oh we we have. so this mumsnet forum is a support forum? whats the point i was looking for support not to be judged :s

OP posts:
Original poster
Teenytiny · 16/01/2011 12:18

I dont know what aibu means

OP posts:
MorticiaAddams · 16/01/2011 12:19

Am I being unreasonable.

MorticiaAddams · 16/01/2011 12:22

Teenytiny there are many different forums on Mumsnet and this one is called Am I being Unreasonable and it's where you ask people for opinions. Perhaps the relationships forum might be a better place if you are looking for support.

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