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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Invited to a child free wedding.

333 replies

sea74 · 14/01/2011 13:46

I have been invited to a wedding, but children are not welcome.
Now, isnt a wedding the start of a family? Aren't they telling me "come to celebrate our special day but we dont give a t*ss about your family"?....because that is the message i am getting.
If you dont have money, do not invite all these people. But if you are inviting us, you should invite the whole family....

Am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:
rubyrubyruby · 14/01/2011 18:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LetThereBeRock · 14/01/2011 18:48

I'm from Glasgow Belle.Is that 'almost English' too? The majority of child free weddings I've attended have been in Glasgow,East Dunbartonshire and Perthshire,so it really isn't an English,or 'almost English' phenomenon.

And for me,the child free weddings have been the best of a bad bunch. I generally hate going to weddings,but perhaps that's because I prefer smaller weddings,but they certainly weren't boring.

OhCobblers · 14/01/2011 18:55

ISNT it was not clear that the bit you "were really upset" about was what had happened to you. so i certainly was not slagging you off.

you implied that weddings in general where children are not invited was something to be really upset about.

i thought you were responding to the OP's point about no children at weddings NOT your own experiences which, i do understand, are very different. of course i get the point that some children being invited and not others, ie, yours is upsetting.

LetThereBeRock · 14/01/2011 18:55

That said,each to their own. Some will prefer larger or casual weddings,and others will prefer smaller and formal occasions.

ceres · 14/01/2011 19:30

"But i am just talking about the wedding. It's not a funeral. Ok not to bring kids to funeral. But at a wedding, for god's sake...."

i have the totally opposite viewpoint - being irish it is the norm for children to attend funerals.

in my almost 40 years i think i have been to 2 weddings where children were invited.

i didn't go to a wedding myself until i was 17.

our wedding was child-free. nobody batted an eyelid, much less got upset. in fact our wedding was a breeze from the earliest stages of planning until the time we finished celebrating (when the last guests left, about a week after the wedding day!). i didn't realise there could be so much drama around weddings until i found mn.

at the end of the day it is an invitation, if you don't like the terms then politely decline. i hate fancy dress and hen nights - so i don't accept invitations involving either.

JustJulie · 14/01/2011 19:34

When my friend got married she didn't invite children either. It wasn't because she didn't like children, she has 2 of her own!

Her reasons were that weddings are a day for friends and family to celebrate and for all the attention to be on them for that one special day. Instead of people running around after there bored toddlers, babies screaming in the church, Stressed out parents because there children aren't behaving how people expect that they should at a wedding! ( Lets face it not all children are well behaved and don't really enjoy weddings!)
They wanted people to really enjoy there day, which we completely understood and we really enjoyed the day......child free! (grin)

If you really don't agree with it have a chat with the bride/groom and ask them why?

Katiekitty · 14/01/2011 19:43

Bellebelicious you said: just that the best weddings I've been to have been either Scottish or Sikh and full of kids, Grans, drunk uncles etc - everyone drinking and dancing until late

I say - that's great, absolutely super if the bride and groom can afford it.

What would you say if they can't?

What would you do if it was your wedding and you and your DP couldn't afford it?

Where would you draw the line?

Just curious as you paint a lovely picture of all families together, I am genuinely interested in what you would do if you could only afford half of them? I hope you can answer as I am interested to hear

TickettyBoo · 14/01/2011 19:47

YABU.

I had children at our wedding and for me it was a relaxed and fun day for all, but I do understand why people chose to have child free occasions - it wouldn't offend me to be invited to a child-free wedding. I would simply arrange childcare and go with the intention of celebrating the couple's big day - after all, that's ALL the day is about, it wouldn't be about me, my opinions, how I would do it, my child, my religion or anything else about me :)

Mymblesson · 14/01/2011 20:00

sea74, where are you from originally? Your sentence structure puts me in mind of Eastern Europe.

cupcakebakerer · 14/01/2011 20:10

Oh FFS!!!! It's their wedding! And I'm absolutely certain your children will be the very last thing on their mind. I'm sure you have been invited as they want to celebrate with YOU. YOU are NOT your children. Sorry but this is one topic that literally makes my blood boil.

londonmackem · 14/01/2011 20:27

I had a child free wedding - but did discuss with the 3 couples who did have children at the time. One was a bit miffed but was eventually fine - venue was not child friendly.
Been to 5 weddings since DS (2), one with him (in France) 4 without. Enjoyed the four without much more(he was invited) as he screamed throughout the ceremony, was very bored. They had child care but he was asked to leave because he cried - they brought his food about an hour after he went to bed. I didn't make any of the photos.
It was much more relaxing to leave him with GP ( he was 4 months at the 1st one and breast fed but I just left lots of frozen milk and took a breast pump - I appreciate that he didn't care about how he got milk - greedy and that GP are able to help out).

Serendippy · 14/01/2011 20:27

OK, I stepped away from my computer for a moment so am backtracking but...

sea74 Fri 14-Jan-11 15:23:14
I dont know i see kids like small people

No, you don't. You see them as a continuation of their parents. If you saw them as small, or any kind, of people, you would not expect them to be invited just because you are.

The couple wanted to celebrate their special day with you. I'm pretty sure, reading this thread, that they would change their minds now.

Grandmar · 14/01/2011 20:29

I just say "Lets toast the rather sad couple"

Rannaldini · 14/01/2011 20:30

I'm so glad that someone brought this up.
I was wondering what to think

goodasgold · 14/01/2011 22:02

My children hate weddings. We never take them whether they are invited or not. We just go and have as much fun as we can. I wouldn't inflict a wedding on a child, especially one under the age of 7, with the exception of a bf babe in arms that doesn't care where it is as long as it is near its food source.

HelenBa · 14/01/2011 22:17

YABU it's their day and they should be able to do it their way

GreenEyesandHam · 14/01/2011 23:29

I'm 36 and my aunt never lets me forget that at her wedding, I (aged three) yelled to my mother (matron of honour, stood at the front)..

'Mum HELP! My knickers are stuck up my bum'

during the vows.

Guess the cute lil polyester jumpsuit wasn't such a great idea after all Hmm

Because of this, I never take my children to weddings

onmyfeet · 15/01/2011 05:59

sea74, while you may not understand why they do not want children, there, perhaps they do not understand why some people would want children there?
There are different types of weddings.
It is not strange or unusual to have a wedding with no children. I am sure they invited you and your dh because they would like you there, not to offend you.

Let us know what you decide to do and what you say if you decline the invitation.

Gemsy83 · 15/01/2011 06:08

I cant believe some of the utter hysterical comments posted here 'waaaahhh my kids didnt get an invite whats wrong with them- im still upset, its a snub a SNUB I tell ya!!'
As countless others on the thread have said, your kids are great and you adore them but to things like social events no you DONT come as a package im afraid. Get over the fact some people dont want to fawn over your precious offspring.

cupcakebakerer · 15/01/2011 08:04

Couldn't have said it better Gemsy!

FanellaFidge · 15/01/2011 08:50

For me it's not about "'waaaahhh my kids didnt get an invite whats wrong with them- im still upset, its a snub a SNUB I tell ya!!'" it's about giving your guests the choice. If you keep it open, they can decide what's best for them/the event. Contray to shifting expectations and beliefs, it isn't just about the bride and groom. I certainly didn't see it that way when we got married.

[invite 1. to request the presence or participation of in a kindly, courteous, or complimentary way, esp. to request to come or go to some place, gathering, entertainment, etc., or to do something: to invite friends to dinner.]

IMO it's the height of rudeness to have stipulations when inviting, especially to an all day event like a wedding.

If I were having an utterly un-child-friendly wedding, I'd make such my guests knew the details and leave it to them to decide whether they feel it's appropriate for children, I trust my friends judgement. Just as I wouldn't expect them to turn up with children for a 9pm formal dinner party, or turn up without for a lunch date at a child friendly pub.

LookToWindward · 15/01/2011 09:00

"IMO it's the height of rudeness to have stipulations when inviting,"

But your kids aren't being invited, you are.

Personally I think its the height of rudeness to attend an event uninvited.

LookToWindward · 15/01/2011 09:02

To put it another way: I struggle to tolerate my own kids. What makes you think I care about yours?

thumbdabwitch · 15/01/2011 09:04

I think when it's babes in arms, especially b'fed ones, then all bets are off AS LONG AS you are prepared to take them out of the services should they squall.

If you are one of those people who believe that everyone should just accept that babies cry and get on with it, then you shouldn't accept the invitation.

Child-free wedding should, IMO, not exclude babes in arms. BUT the guests should have manners about it.

Actually - ditto for funerals - my mum's funeral was made 10 times harder to bear because of child-disruption (someone mentioned a train being run up and down a pew at a wedding - yes, we had a tractor being run up and down the back of the pew at mum's funeral. Dad was distraught and the mother did f'all about it until my brother told her to)

FanellaFidge · 15/01/2011 09:22

Why would have to 'tolerate' anyone else's kids?

We had 12 children at our wedding and 40 adult guests. I didn't have to tolerate anyones children, didn't even notice them half the time. Do you think you'd be personally responsible for spoon feeding them? Confused

Quite frankly, if you were my friend, but you didn't care about my kids, we wouldn't be friends for long.

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