Invited to a child free wedding.

[sea74]

I have been invited to a wedding, but children are not welcome.
Now, isnt a wedding the start of a family? Aren't they telling me "come to celebrate our special day but we dont give a t*ss about your family"?....because that is the message i am getting.
If you dont have money, do not invite all these people. But if you are inviting us, you should invite the whole family....

Am i being unreasonable?

Can you not see how patronising and rude it is to have a 'rule' on an invite?

We went to a child-free wedding - the groom had been to a wedding which had kids screaming and he wanted their day to be about them and not the guests' kids.

I was a little upset that dd wasn't bridesmaid as it was her godmother getting married, but it was actually really lovely to have a day with dh in the adult world.

The world doesn't revolve around you and your kids - the day is about the bride and groom.

PS. We had kids at our wedding and wouldn't have had it any other way. For us it's about family, but I was relieved my aunt left her grandson (who she cares for) with a babysitter so she could enjoy herself. He's a bit of a nightmare!

I wanted our guests to be comfortable, so the offer was there for them to bring children or not. We invited them as families, admittedly ~ mainly because we had our own children there too

A few guests were surprised when, after they asked if they could bring kids they were met with a big fat YES, in fact we had arranged for an entertainer to attend and spend a couple of hours with the children so that their parents could have some time out with the adults.

I wouldn't go to a family wedding if my children weren't invited, but wouldn't make a fuss. I could see it bothering me if SOME kids were invited and not others though..especially if the bride & groom had children.

But hey ho, it's their day.

"The world doesn't revolve around you and your kids"

Not saying it does But then, I'm a responsible parent, who 1) would not allow that sort of behaviour at a wedding and 2) would make my own decision not to take the children if I knew that's how they would behave. I trust my friends are the same.

"the day is about the bride and groom" IMO, it's really not. You invite people as guests, not props. My whole wedding was centered on providing for my guests. I couldn't give a flying fuck what was on the menu (I couldn't eat, not least because my dress was tight body hugging), I didn't care that the invites were handmade and adorned in butterflies or whatever, I didn't get one etc, etc.

"it's about giving your guests the choice. If you keep it open, they can decide what's best for them/the event. Contray to shifting expectations and beliefs, it isn't just about the bride and groom."

what about the bride and groom's choice to have the kind of wedding they want?

dh and i, like most people these days, paid for our own wedding.

our wedding WAS actually about us - we chose the type of ceemony we wanted and then chose the hymns, readings etc. we also decided on the type of party WE wanted to celebrate OUR marriage. and, shockingly, we then decided who we wanted to invite to OUR party that WE were paying for.

i don't find kids on the dancefloor 'cute'. a wedding with lots of children sounds like my idea of hell.

and before i get the 'bridezilla' thing thrown around, i was about as un-bridezilla as you can get - dress under £100, no bridesmaids or best man, no announcing us into room (hotel v taken aback when we refused free toastmaster typoe person!), no speeeches (apart from dh very briefly thanking everyone for joining us), no official photographer, did my own hair and make-up, made cake, friend did flowers etc etc.

the whole day was based around ensuring our ADULT guests had a good time - budget almost entirely thrown at venue (very nice hotel), food (excellent) and drink (free-flowing). following the ceremony we had a drinks reception which was followed by a sit down five course meal.

i like children and have had plenty of parties where children were included. my wedding was not one of them.

We specified 'no kids' at our wedding. People still asked and we stuck to our guns.
DHs boss and wife decided they would bring their baby to the ceremony and then take to Grandma's for the reception.

The child wailed all through the vows.
Boss's wife didn't think to take the child outside and what little video we do have of our wedding is drowned out by said baby yelling her adorable little head off.

So Yabu.

A wedding that has a dancefloor sounds like my idea of hell

No ruby, I don't, but I don't expect to be told when I can and can't bring them, I'm capable of making that decision myself.

YABU. I got married quite late on, when most of my friends had children. We decided to have a pretty child-centred wedding and had as many children (nearly all under-5s) as adults. Everything was (necessarily) pretty focused around keeping them all happy - we had a magician/child entertainer to keep them all busy during the speeches and toasts so the parents could listen, we made sure the children's food arrived first, so they weren't waiting - and we also chose not to have an evening party as it would have been difficult for most of the guests. It was lovely, and exactly what we wanted, but I can completely understand why others don't want to do this. And in my opinion, taking small children to a non-child-centred wedding is a nightmare for everyone, including the children. Since having kids, we've turned down a couple of wedding invites where the kids aren't invited - not because we're offended, but because it wasn't logistically feasible. Everyone understood. Equally, we've gone to a few weddings without the kids, and enjoyed them hugely. I don't think you can expect your friends to want your kids as well as you all the time - equally, you're within you're rights not to be able to attend things without your kids at times. No need for rancour or bad feeling

"but I don't expect to be told when I can and can't bring them,"

So would that include your workplace? What about the cinema for an adult film? If you go to a theme park do you expect your ticket to cover your kids too?

"No ruby, I don't, but I don't expect to be told when I can and can't bring them, I'm capable of making that decision myself."

So you're basically saying that your decision trumps whatever anyone else's wishes are. And how the fuck are you going to know whether or not children are not invited/welcome to a wedding if it's not specified on the invitation? Do you ring up everyone who invites you to check whether or not you can decide to take the children, or do you just assume "it's a wedding therefore I can take them".

If they are BF newborns then yes i do take them everywhere with me, what's so weird about that.

And when I have a BF baby I simply decline invitations that stipulate no children. And then on one occasion get a massive telling off for declining the invitation. You can't win.

I also say do say "'waaaahhh my kids didnt get an invite whats wrong with them- im still upset, its a snub a SNUB I tell ya!" or equivalent when my children are the only ones not invited to an occasion, when my DH has been friends with the people since childhood and all his other friends have their children there which are the same age as ours. I also do not think this is a bizarre or bonkers reaction. This has happened to us twice, lots of people were giving us the and asking why we hadn't brought our children, what on earth were we supposed to say. We said we didn't want to. We did want to, they would have had a great time playing with all the other children. But we had to say we didn't want to. You can't win.

have said this before but most weddings are not child friendly - lots of waiting around drinking, formal meal, having to be quiet for vows/speeches, late night with lots of drunk people. So YABU.

People keep saying that the bride and groom should do whatever they like. I just don't agree with that, I think if what they do really upsets people then they shouldn't be doing it TBH. I wouldn't behave like that to people who are supposed to be my friends, and expect them to stay my friends TBH.

Why do you assume its because she doesnt like kids?

I love kids. We limited the number of kids at my wedding because with 2 very large families it would have bankrupted us to invite them all...not a good start to married life!!!

YABVU.

Just dont go!

sea74 Fri 14-Jan-11 13:55:37
The bride is a primary school teacher.
If she is not keen on children, i hope she will not be the teacher of any of our kids!

I'm a trained midwife but if it's all the same with you I'd rather you kept your knickers on and your fanjoola to yourself at my wedding. Am I being unreasonable too?

Child free weddings are fabulous because no matter how well behaved YOUR kids are, or your FRIEND'S kids are, you can guarantee that some cousin on the distaff side will be doing liberal parenting and will have complete little shits who will not sit down, shut up and butt out of things that don't involve them, such as the ceremony.

Or will have a baby, but will decide that them seeing the wedding is more important than the bride and groom hearing their own wedding vows.

Or will allow their 3 year old to wander between/under tables putting dirty hands on everyone's party clothes because "Everyone loves little Jonny, he's so sociable" and asking for other people's pudding - and of course, you have to be polite to little Jonny but what you really want to do is spike his Ribena with tequila and leave him passed out under a table out of the goddamn stickily skirt clutching way.

Or will have brought their twelve year old, told her sha can drink as much as she likes, them disappears, leaving the twelve year old sat next to you on her own, plastered.

Or will plonk grubby looking babies onto your wedding finery while the 'nip to the bar to do shots loo!"

Or allow their 9 year old to precociously bend your ear on the subject of absolutely fucking everything because they consider themselves too 'grown up' to sod off and pop balloons like all the other overtired brats, but actually don't have the required maturity level to amuse themselves without adult input, so their parents allow them to join in EVERY conversation, no matter how inappropriate, because they don't want to take them someone that is appropriate./

Fucking nightmare. I don't want to take my own children let alone tolerate anyone else's and their appalling parenting choices (I mean, did Tabitha need to wear those hotpants? Yes, yes she does have a firm bottom to die for, but she's eleven....)

Child free is the way to do it. If you have children, as I do myslef, get a sitter or don't go.

ISNT - thing is, you are not upset about a childfree wedding. You were definitely snubbed as your children were singled out. And because you got bollocked. That's not against childfree weddings in general, but against bad mannered fuckwits.

Yabvvvvu - let them have THEIR day. It's only ONE day and they are still inviting you (their actual friend!) and paying for you to be there. You sound very ungrateful. Just don't go if you feel that annoyed about it. For everyone saying the bride and groom should take their friends wishes into account - this does work the other way round as well you know.

We had a mostly child free wedding (apart from our own 2 sons and 2 nephews) and I've never regretted it. It was fantastic and I can safely say that none of our friends were offended (or if they were they were extremely good at hiding it). Most people told us they were glad to let their hair down and relax for the day.

Coldtits your post hit the nail on the head methinks!

Yes wukter but people keep saying "the bride and groom can do whatever they want and that's fine and anyone who gets upset is stupid/selfish and thinks the world revolves around them" and I'm trying to make the point there there should be caveats to that!

Yes you are being very unreasonable.
They're getting married, celebrating the start of THEIR married life. Where does kids automatically have to come into it? Some people don't want kids, THEIR choice.
Same deal with their wedding, it's their wedding, they can invite who they like.
If you don't want to go, then don't. I've been to both weddings with loads of children, and some with none at all and they're both fine.
Actually if I get an invite that says no kids I just shout 'whoohoo' get my wine supping head on and can relax for the whole day as opposed to chasing after my 2 little terrors sorry I meant darlings lol. See it as a chance for a bit of 'you' time!
I don't get why people get so offended, it's not a slight at your family, just that they'd prefer no kids there!

That's the situation I was in becaroo.

ISNT these situations are slightly different. imo They were NBU to not invite children. They were BVVVU to tell people off for having to decline the invitation. Inviting all children apart from a couple of siblings is IMO very rude and I think most people would be offended. It is not the same as people deciding they cannot afford to invite absolutely everyone they know so not inviting any children. As I have said before it is better drawing the line there than inviting part of a group and excluding the rest.

"People keep saying that the bride and groom should do whatever they like. I just don't agree with that, I think if what they do really upsets people then they shouldn't be doing it TBH. I wouldn't behave like that to people who are supposed to be my friends, and expect them to stay my friends TBH."

The problem is ISNT it is an absolute impossibility to keep everyone happy. When I married I married in the church I grew up in (being christened, went to Sunday school and was confirmed at). One guest was very offended because it wasn't 'his' church, the same as my then Fiance's church. Now the church was only 4miles away so it wasn't a trek to the other end of the country. By your reasoning I should have moved churches to avoid offending him. However by doing that I would have offended other guests who strongly believed the ceremony should have been in the "bride's church". I was asked by another guest if they had to wear a hat. I said I was leaving it up to guests to decide what they wanted to wear because I wanted them to be comfortable. She was offended because in her opinion you had to wear hats at weddings. Other guests didn't want to wear hats and would have been miffed if I had insisted they wear one. We chose a ceilidh band followed by a disco for the reception. One guest stormed out because the couldn't stand "hoots mon ceilidh stuff" We had a sit down set menu so asked people if they had any dietary requirements so they could be catered for. Someone who didn't have any requirements complained we didn't have a full menu. A member of the family fell out with us because we said we couldn't afford to pay for a family of six (distant relatives of theirs we had never met) to fly over from SA for the wedding.

Tbh I can't think of anything worse than a load of kids at a wedding. Most weddings are not set up for the enjoyment of kids, lots of waiting round, having to be quiet. It's not fair on them. The weddings I have been to with children have just been a scream fest.

Just have a nice time with your dh/dp without your children, I can't see why that is such a hard thing to do. Just my opinion of course, but I snatch any child free time with DP or friends with both hands.

I would have a child free wedding, and I have children myself (in defence DD is a loud whinger) maybe they like kids, but see it as more of an adult occasion. Chill out and enjoy, it's not a personal insult from the couple.