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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Invited to a child free wedding.

333 replies

sea74 · 14/01/2011 13:46

I have been invited to a wedding, but children are not welcome.
Now, isnt a wedding the start of a family? Aren't they telling me "come to celebrate our special day but we dont give a t*ss about your family"?....because that is the message i am getting.
If you dont have money, do not invite all these people. But if you are inviting us, you should invite the whole family....

Am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:
xstitch · 14/01/2011 16:55

ISNT that's awful. I think that is the real reason for some of the child free weddings. There are so many children when you consider both families and sets of friends that they cannot invite them all so didn't invite any. In perhaps a vain attempt to avoid offence rather than an attempt to offend IYSWIM.

Bogeyface · 14/01/2011 16:56

I invited all of our friends children to our wedding and was happy with that, but I have also been invited to "no kids" weddings and been happy with that too.

But to turn up at a wedding with them where you know that the kids arent invited is the height of rudeness and would probably spell the end of the friendship. I really hope you are joking Fanella!

No one would dream of turning up at a wedding with 2 or 3 adult friends that hadnt been invited so why do some people think its ok to take their children if they havent been invited to "make a point"?! It beggars belief!

Onetoomanycornettos · 14/01/2011 16:58

It's more fun with children. My friend gave us the option to bring dd1 to her wedding, she was about 10 months, all the other NCT parents ditched their children and came childfree, then spent the whole time talking about them and wishing they'd brought them. They didn't appear to be having much more fun.

Conversely, we didn't take ours to a wedding a long way away recently, our choice, but when we got there, there were hundreds of children, catered for with bouncy castle, childcare, it was wonderful and we regretted not taking ours.

You do have to respect the preferences of the wedding couple though, even if you think they are a bit rubbish.

arentfanny · 14/01/2011 16:58

It is family children only except for DS, they are the first of their friends to get invited and everyone apart from one couple who Id on't know if they are invited, has grown up children. They did tell us when they asked DS to be page boy.

LetThereBeRock · 14/01/2011 17:04

'I'm going to back up Headfairy here. I think this 'no children' rule is very odd and very English, in an unpleasant sort of way (probably allow dogs if they could). Best weddings I've ever been to have been Sikh and Scottish: lots of dancing and drinking - kids everywhere.'

I'm Scottish,and have been to a number of child free weddings here.

And judging by the posts on an etiquette forum I frequent,child free weddings are also an American/Canadian/Australian/New Zealand thing.

xstitch · 14/01/2011 17:08

I am Scottish too LTBR.

FanellaFidge · 14/01/2011 17:09

I was joking... but I will be turning up with one as they will be about 3 weeks old.

xstitch · 14/01/2011 17:11

I think you would have to be very unreasonable to object to that then fanella because that wouldn't affect the catering etc.

FanellaFidge · 14/01/2011 17:12

I do, however, disagree to 'child-free' weddings, especially when they are on for a full day, and even more so when the couple have children themselves.

I didn't even occur to me to stipulate rules on children being there when we got married. Attending a wedding is hard work, I was grateful for guests, and would have hated to have made it difficult for them to attend. Some brought children, some made the most and made a child free weekend out of it.

FanellaFidge · 14/01/2011 17:21

Some people seem to have forgotten what the word 'guest' means and invite people just to be props in their 'big production'. Tis these people whose marriages won't last Grin

MsSparkle · 14/01/2011 17:22

Actually, thinking about it, it was only the ceremony and the day part that bothered me having the kids running riot. The evening didn't bother me as it was a disco and everyone was more relaxed and the formal part of the day was over.

FanellaFidge · 14/01/2011 17:22

It might affect the photos and the overall 'ambiance' though xstitch.

FanellaFidge · 14/01/2011 17:23

And these, of course, are the most important factors when planning a wedding. Hmm Grin

babybarrister · 14/01/2011 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

xstitch · 14/01/2011 17:26

Doesn't need to affect the photos though. Someone could hold the baby long enough to get your photo taken. Or if they are being that precious then you don't go in the photos.

mayorquimby · 14/01/2011 17:28

"I dont know i see kids like small people."

Which kind of goes against your whole argument. If they are little people then they are individuals, they need their own invite and don't automatically get one because they are attached to you.
You only invite people to your wedding who you want to be there, if children are little people then it is valid not to invite these little people who you don't want at your wedding.

rubyrubyruby · 14/01/2011 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wukter · 14/01/2011 17:36

But child friendly and childless weddings have totally different dynamics. That's a factor for the b &g to consider also - and having a preference for childfree doesn't make them ogres.

jojosmaman · 14/01/2011 17:39

Fanella- I had a big production wedding which we spent time, money, love and effort on.

What makes you think my wedding won't last (I've been with DH 16 years now BTW).

If people want to invite children that's their choice, if they don't then that should be respected, it would be incredibly rude to turn up with three extra guests.

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/01/2011 17:52

not this old chestnut again Hmm

YABVU OP - its is your FRIENDS wedding and THEIR choice

i didnt have children at mine as

  1. nearly all my friends have dc and would have been an extra 50ish there and didnt have the money nor space for them

  2. been to many weddings and kids get tired/wingy 8/9pm and friends leave - also the wail throughout ceremony/speeches and parents dont take them outside Hmm

  3. i wanted my friends to have fun and not worry about being mummy/daddy and sober and be john and jane and be tiddly

  4. all of my friends were happy to leave their children and have a fun day celebrating with us the way WE wanted to

  5. i work with children every day and wanted time away from them Grin

the ideal situation for those guests with young dc is for the bride to organize and pay for :) a wedding creche and have nannies to look after young babies/toddlers on the premises

BelleBelicious · 14/01/2011 17:52

I didn't say that there are no child-free weddings in Scotland, (I expect there are loads in Edinburgh and other almost English places Grin) - just that the best weddings I've been to have been either Scottish or Sikh and full of kids, Grans, drunk uncles etc - everyone drinking and dancing until late. There have always been lots of teenagers too - hanging around in corners or out the back doing whatever it is that teenagers do.

I'm guessing OP is from another country and culturally she finds it a bit of an insult. Don't have a problem with child-free weddings, just think they are normally a bit dull and stuffy and prefer the big kid-friendly ones.

The answer is still that OP is being U. If I have a problem with an invite I don't go - and like most of us, doubt if I'm missed.

BuzzLightBeer · 14/01/2011 17:55

Some of you people are actually completely and utterly bonkers, Whacka-doodles!

I went to a wedding a few months ago, a friend of my husbands, I barely knew them. My children were not invited. They are in fact small people, but they are oftentimes loud, tantrummy, fussy and not too good about sitting still small people. That, and the fact that the bride and groom had never met them and had no desire to spend about 100 on my small people was for me an adequate reason.

Really though I should have been sobbing into the fancy tablecloths about how awful it was that there was one occasion in the year they weren#t stapled to my side. I forgot to and got drunk on free champagne and irish danced on the top table. Blush

xstitch · 14/01/2011 18:02

Dancing on table top, sounds like a good wedding Grin

Who suggested I might be from Edinburgh? Shock.

How much would it be for a creche for 60 children? I dread to think.

ISNT · 14/01/2011 18:05

OhCobblers I don't really understand. I told about some of the things that have happened with our children and weddings, and that we were really upset.

I had ended up saying " I really can't agree that people should have whatever wedding they want, if what they want involves really upsetting people."

And you responded to me directly with

"no offense, but i think that statement is complete nonsense.

be "really" upset about something worthwhile : 3rd world debt / children starving / abuse to children , etc. "

So I'm not sure why you have posted that huge post. I said shit things had happened, you roundly slagged me off for being upset about them, I said that I didn't understand your approach. If parents aren't allowed to get upset when their children are randomly excluded from things that everyone elses children are invited to, I think it's reasonable for them to get upset, I really do.

ISNT · 14/01/2011 18:12

No matter though, I think I might leave this one.