Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Invited to a child free wedding.

333 replies

sea74 · 14/01/2011 13:46

I have been invited to a wedding, but children are not welcome.
Now, isnt a wedding the start of a family? Aren't they telling me "come to celebrate our special day but we dont give a t*ss about your family"?....because that is the message i am getting.
If you dont have money, do not invite all these people. But if you are inviting us, you should invite the whole family....

Am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:
working9while5 · 14/01/2011 16:20

"Why anyone thinks that their opinion counts on whether someone-else should invite their children to a function which they are paying for is beyond all comprehension.."

(gently) This is AIBU. Why anyone thinks any of the opinions here count is beyond all comprehension Grin

arentfanny · 14/01/2011 16:21

OK OP, try this one on for size, we are gong to DS's Godfathers wedding in May, DS (nearly 3 by then) has been invited he is a page boy, DD age 5 is not invited.

LadyTremaine · 14/01/2011 16:21

tehee working I meant why does the OP think her opinion counts over whether they invite children or not...

Of course our opinions count - we are MN Jury Grin

headfairy · 14/01/2011 16:23

xstitch, don't get upset, it was your wedding, your choice. It wouldn't be my choice but then it's not my wedding.

headfairy · 14/01/2011 16:24

oooh arentfanny, what are you going to do? That's a tough one. Can you guess what I would have done?

Clue: it would involve both children being at the wedding :o

ISNT · 14/01/2011 16:25

Personally my view is that people should have the sort of wedding that they want but bear in mind how their choices will come across, and what they might mean.

So if you have a strict no child policy and you have a friend who is BF, don't get in a rage when they tell you that they can't come.

If you have a strict no child policy then some people won't be able to get childcare and so won't be able to come, so don't blow a fuse when that happens either.

If you decide to invite all of your friends children except for one particular pair, with no reason given whatsoever, then you are going to upset the parents. Luckily they won't show it so I guess that one is fine Confused

MsSparkle · 14/01/2011 16:27

YABU. I used to think the same as you op, until i had my own wedding with children there. I had to because i have children of my own and didn't think it would be a problem.

But it is because parents go to weddings to have a good time, which they should of course, but alot don't control their kids and you end up with kids running riot whilst the parents "relax".

If a couple of have no children don't want them at their wedding then respect their wishes please!

xstitch · 14/01/2011 16:27

working9while5 thing is if I had invited absolutely everyone from XH's side then I would not have been able to have my mother there never mind anyone else in my family. So it definitely would not have been a good day for her.

Shock arentfanny now that does not sit right with me. That's why I drew the line at aunts and uncles so I didn't have to draw the line midway through a group of people.

Bogeyface · 14/01/2011 16:28

ArentFanny, I think that is unacceptable, to single out one child over another. In your case I wouldnt be going unless the older child was invited too.

Not going to comment on the OP as its already been said a million times!

ISNT · 14/01/2011 16:30

arentfanny that's a bugger. What on earth are you going to do? Why do people do this sort of thing?

Oh yes, their wedding their choice Hmm

When did common sense and reasonable behaviour go out the window, and why does everyone shout so loudly that it's fine?

headfairy · 14/01/2011 16:30

see, all this strict no child policy, and respecting if friends choose not to come to your wedding malarky is what I don't understand. I would much much much rather my friend came to my wedding bringing her child/children than stayed away. If he/she is a good enough friend to invite to my wedding then how could I refuse him/her?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/01/2011 16:32

It seems to me that not only does everyone have to bow down to the needs and wants of other people's children, they have to like it too.

For goodness sakes, some perspective is badly needed. Times have moved on since the 'children should be seen and not heard' era but there's no need for everything to be about them all the time. Some mothers (and fathers) can be extremely boring, convinced that their child is too marvellous for words, ignorant and unable to talk about any other topic.

OP... if you don't have any consideration for what your friends want for their wedding, don't be surprised if they cease to have any interest in you and your children.

meantosay · 14/01/2011 16:33

Well, I wouldn't think they were verygood friends if they insisted on bringing their child or not coming themselves. (Unless BF or something similar).

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/01/2011 16:35

arentfanny... That's definitely not ok; your daughter is being excluded and that's just rude when the rest of you have been invited to attend.

I'd ask the bride/groom if this is an oversight and clarify that all of you will attend or none of you.

arentfanny · 14/01/2011 16:36

It has taken a bit of thought but we are stying with some friends nearish to the wedding, DD will stay with them for the afternoon and evening, another friend who is at college will pick me, DH and DS up take us to the wedding, she will then pick up DS from reception, take him back to friends and help with bed time and then come back and pick us up. I was disappointed that DD wasn't invited but she would have hated it.

FanellaFidge · 14/01/2011 16:43

I've been ivited to a childfree wedding. I will be turning up with all 3 of mine Grin

ISNT · 14/01/2011 16:43

arentfanny have they said why they have made this decision?

I don;t understand this sort of behaviour, I really don't. There is a middle ground between having the sort of wedding you want and not seemingly going out of your way to cause upset and difficulty for people you are supposed to like.

BendyBob · 14/01/2011 16:44

Yabu.

I can't understand why people get so offended about this. Isn't it nice to go to a childfree occasion sometimes? Or must you forever more do every single thing en masse as a family or not at all?Hmm

No matter how much you love your dc, I can def see why other people may not be quite so enchanted. And anyway a wedding is a boring minefield for children to negotiate tbh isn't it?

Also children have an unintentional but undeniable way of making everything revolve around them. I can understand anyone planning a wedding deciding they don't want that.

wukter · 14/01/2011 16:45

But ISNT - your problems weren't caused by your children not being invited, they were caused by your friends being fuckwits (not the same thing, btw!)

wukter · 14/01/2011 16:46

Fanmella you are being incredibly rude if you do that.

LetThereBeRock · 14/01/2011 16:46

YABVU.

femalevictormeldrew · 14/01/2011 16:49

I haven't read the rest of the replies, so maybe this has been said. Say the bride is having 100 guests which would equal 50 couples. Say each couple had on average one child. And they all brought them. IMO that would be hell for the bride, the guests and the parents.

Go and enjoy your day without the kids (I would give my eye teeth for one of those days at this stage).

ISNT · 14/01/2011 16:50

DHs friends, all of them. Honestly I'm still upset about it. One of the events was actually a massive religious engagement do and when we arrived we were met with the sight of literally 40 children cavorting happily in the middle of the room, including DHs other friends children who are the same age as DD. We never did ask him what's wrong with our kids Sad

I am interesting to see whether the children will be on the wedding invitation we're not going

xstitch · 14/01/2011 16:51

Headfairy would you exclude the mother of the bride and the entire bride's family just to ensure there was room for children then?

Mind you if I had waited until I could afford a wedding with 300 guests by the time you did the same for my side and then friends and neighbours then I would never have married the abusive bastard. So with hindsight perhaps I should have.

OhCobblers · 14/01/2011 16:53

ISN'T i think your post a couple of pages back was possibly addressed to me so let me respond
Once we couldn't go to one of DH's childhood friends no children weddings as I had a BF newborn, and they were really angry with us. They had no right to be angry that you couldn't go. thats possibly what happens if no children are stipulated.

And twice we have been invited to weddings without the children and have got babysitters etc and have turned up to find hundreds of children there, at both of them we had loads of people coming up and asking us why we hadn't brought our children. Both times I watched all the children running around playing and got quite upset thinking what a good time the DDs would have had and wondering what was wrong with them." Again, i don't agree with inviting some and not others. unless its "family" children only. again, i agree on this point.

However, the OP was talking about her DC not being invited at all. It wasn't about a newborn/babe in arms not being invited who doesn't take up a seat, etc, as per a recent thread. It wasn't about "some children (not specifically family children) invited and not others" either.

If you think that treating people who are supposed to be friends in that way is fine, then that's your lookout. I don't but your examples above are not what this thread is about - its about children not being invited full stop. I don't agree that you should invite a load of children that you've probably never met in the place of good friends you've had for years who have always been there for you (as an exmaple of why children are not invited).

I don't know when it became fashionable to completely overlook how what you do might make others feel. I guess we are becoming a more selfish society. I don't and can't agree with it though. I would never behave in this way towards my friends, and I can't understand why these sort of things are becoming the norm. I don't believe they are. my DH and i spent our money (not parents) on food that we chose hoping that people would find it tasty and delicious. booze (champagne and wine) flowed all night for our guests to enjoy. decorations chosen to make the setting more beautiful for everyone to enjoy being in. a ton of info about cabs, hotel, local restaurants/bar (for those staying overnight) to make their stay more enjoyable and easier. So what we were doing was everything to ensure our guests and family had a brilliant time at our wedding and one we hoped they'd remember for a long time. Quite the opposite of what you say above. We just didn't ask their DC too.

In fact your post has really upset me. If someone you like basically says that there is something wrong with your children, that is a perfectly valid reason to be upset I think. Again, you're posting about a very different situation to the one the OP mentions.

Preposterous to suggest that people should only ever be upset by massive disasters again posted in response to the idea that someone would be "really upset" over their DC not being invited, ie, in OP's first post NOT the examples that you have given.
and an excuse maybe used by people who like to go around causing upset I don't and haven't - see above info about my own wedding.

blimey, thats a very long post .....

Swipe left for the next trending thread