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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Invited to a child free wedding.

333 replies

sea74 · 14/01/2011 13:46

I have been invited to a wedding, but children are not welcome.
Now, isnt a wedding the start of a family? Aren't they telling me "come to celebrate our special day but we dont give a t*ss about your family"?....because that is the message i am getting.
If you dont have money, do not invite all these people. But if you are inviting us, you should invite the whole family....

Am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:

headfairy · 14/01/2011 15:04

sorry, that was for serendippy

BelleBelicious · 14/01/2011 15:05

I'm going to back up Headfairy here. I think this 'no children' rule is very odd and very English, in an unpleasant sort of way (probably allow dogs if they could). Best weddings I've ever been to have been Sikh and Scottish: lots of dancing and drinking - kids everywhere.

I also have great memories as a child of running around hotels / sitting under tables etc. and think really this problem is the whole 'best day of your life' bollox, where everyone wants to have everything 'perfect', rather than just a great time to celebrate with friends and family.

Have to laugh at the most fun weddings being without kids - wonder what you're all getting up to? Is there a swingers corner? Or an Opium den? If so, I've been missing something and obviously have very boring friends.

BUT that said OP, it's not your wedding so, yes YABU.

If you don't like it, don't go, no one is forcing you.

Serendippy · 14/01/2011 15:05

headfairy but she has an au-pair so childcare is not an issue, it is the fact that anyone would dare invite her and not consider that her children are part of the package. This attitude is one that is not likely to change just because her children are able to stay at home by themselves.

FWIW, I don't care either way, there is something to be said for child-friendly and child-free weddings. Just makes me a bit sad that she does not care enough about her friend to put her first for what I'm guessing is the only time.

wukter · 14/01/2011 15:06

That's the Nigerian couple's choice. That's what weddings mean to THEM. Nobody elses' place to pass remarks. Much like the choice of the couple inspring this thread.

headfairy · 14/01/2011 15:08

Oh I agree on the "their wedding their choice" thing, but it can't stop me thinking it's odd....

Serendippy, I'm not talking about specific cases, like the ops, I'm talking about the cut off age for which you would include children on their parents invite - for me that would be under 16.

ISNT · 14/01/2011 15:08

Just don't go, it's easier.

We have had a terrible time with all this.

Once we couldn't go to one of DH's childhood friends no children weddings as I had a BF newborn, and they were really angry with us.

And twice we have been invited to weddings without the children and have got babysitters etc and have turned up to find hundreds of children there, at both of them we had loads of people coming up and asking us why we hadn't brought our children. Both times I watched all the children running around playing and got quite upset thinking what a good time the DDs would have had and wondering what was wrong with them.

Shitty really.

Original poster

sea74 · 14/01/2011 15:09

Serendippy...just to clear the air: my 2 kids are under-3. I would leave them home if they were older.
But that is not the point.
I CAN afford child-sitter.
And i know that the bride and groom decide and i will go with their decision.
I am free on this forum to give my opinion .
If they do not have the money they could invite less frends (for example us, we are not so strict friends...why are they telling cousins not to bring their kids while we, that are not so close, are invited?).
If it is a matter of noise, i agree some parents do not care at all and they do not look after their children at public functions (but i guess those parents will not bring those children on their decision).

I go out without my husband, he goes out without me. I travel around the globe without me and without the children.
I think the only thing is that i have an idea about weddings that you girls do not have.

OP posts:

meantosay · 14/01/2011 15:09

Maybe the bride and groom don't want children screaming and shouting during their marriage vows

Maybe they can't afford to invite all of their friends' children

Maybe they want their guests to enjoy the day without other people's children creating noise and chaos, interrupting the adults' conversations, showing off and looking for attention etc

Maybe they don't think your children are the centre of the universe and it never occurred to them to invite them

wukter · 14/01/2011 15:10

Do them a favour and don't bother then. You are being totally illogical - if you are not so close to the couple, who close to you think your children are?

wukter · 14/01/2011 15:11

Oops - HOW close DO you think...

Serendippy · 14/01/2011 15:11

I would prefer to spend as little time as possible with children, especially other people's but for me the cutoff would be much lower, definitely under 7. By that age you can pack them off to grandma, they are at school so could go on a sleepover you can pay back another time, they are not reliant for milk etc. Would hate to have been taken everywhere with my parents at 15! Also, at 15 would have hated to go to the wedding of friends of my parents, same said for 14, 13, possibly 12. Maybe at 11 when I would have thought getting a new dress was fun...

Serendippy · 14/01/2011 15:13

But if you would leave your older children at home, when does the 'family' think stop being important? Age 10? Age 16? Up to what age would you expect your children to be invited as part of you?

headfairy · 14/01/2011 15:13

meantosay, I agree it's terrible when children scream through vows, that's irresponsible of the parents and very rude. That's why the priest at my wedding asked that if children were being very noisy perhaps one of their parents could pop outside with them (there was a little play ground opposite)

I've taken ds out of a church during a wedding service because he was being noisy... I have no problem with that at all.

mommmmyof2 · 14/01/2011 15:16

I don't really see why you feel like it is a personal attck on you sea74, If they had invited everyone els's children but not yours I could see it would annoy you.But this is just the way they want it, yes it would be a a different thing all together if they had kids themselves (well I am assuming )

Try not to let it ruin what potentially be a good day for you all.I don't think most kids like weddings anyway

wukter · 14/01/2011 15:18

Do you go with your parents when they get invited to weddings?

TandB · 14/01/2011 15:22

You have some strange ideas, OP.

What on earth do you mean, a wedding is the start of a family? No. It's the start of two people's lives together. If it was all about starting a family then I would imagine that the bride and groom would be required to copulate in front of the vicar before being declared man and wife.

And I am really interested in your comment that "I travel round the globe without me". That is really, really clever. I wish I could travel round the globe without me - it would make long journeys much less tedious if I could go and me could stay at home.

As regards your question, yes YABU. They probably don't give that much of a toss about your family. They give a toss about their wedding and they clearly give a toss about you as they have asked you to come and share their day.

Original poster

sea74 · 14/01/2011 15:23

Serendippy ... i would ask them if they want to come or not. If, when they are 8 years old, they prefer to go to granny and spend the weekend being spoiled, or go to friends for a sleepover, i wouldnt bring them to the wedding.
I do not have teenagers and i wouldnt dream of taking them to a wedding. They would be so bored. But my kids are under 3 and if i respect my guests i would give them the chance to decide whetehr to bring kids or not, and not treating them like dogs.
I dont know i see kids like small people.
Also maybe because i know how to discipline my kids and not driving everyone crazy.

OP posts:

headfairy · 14/01/2011 15:25

I have been, but then most family weddings include the whole family, and family friends are just that,"family" friends. My parents have very few friends that only they know, and who haven't been part of all of our lives for many years.

mommmmyof2 · 14/01/2011 15:27

Yes your children may behave but what about others that don't!! if they say to some people you can bring kids and to others sorry no then that is worse surely?

I really don't think it is about your kids as much as they may just have alot of freinds with children, some may not be as well behaved

ISNT · 14/01/2011 15:28

Why would a friend say to another friend "I don't give a toss about your children" though. That's what I don't understand. I wouldn't say that to a friend.

meantosay · 14/01/2011 15:28

Maybe you know how to discipline your kids sea74 but the bride and groom can hardly say to certain guests 'sorry, yours aren't coming, they're brats'. It's simpler to just invite no one's children.

It's nothing to do with 'not respecting' guests. I think you should 'respect' the bride and groom's right to have the kind of wedding they want without being criticised.

SudalivefromHMP · 14/01/2011 15:28

I think with some people the reason they want child free is because it can take a lot of focus away from the couple themselves and it is after all their day - maybe more especially the brides. But when children are involved they have to be the main focus of attention and their needs really have to come first (and rightly so). I have been to so many weddings where children have been crying/squealing/ sliding around on the floor/wanting the loo at the most inappropriate moment possible (as they do)/flicking food around/etc etc etc.

Also everything from the food to the music/to even the behaviour/speeches etc of the adults has to be modified accordingly. Some people just want it to be about them and be a grown up 'do'.

wukter · 14/01/2011 15:29

'Treat them like dogs '
'I know how to discipline my kids' Do you know how do teach them manners and what an invitation means?

Bristle away OP, that righteous indignation must be SO satisfying.

jojosmaman · 14/01/2011 15:30

I have only been to one wedding where children were invited since I've had my own son (it was a disaster, he was 18months, DH had to take him outside along with some other toddlers who were making too much noise during the ceremony and I ended up walking with him outside in the rain during the speeches. We were supposed to be getting a taxi home but I ended up driving home at 8pm as only managed half a glass of wine in between chasing after DS).

I don't however think "babes in arms" should come under the no kids thing as a) they wouldnt add to cost and b) you would be giving a mother no choice if she was BF'ing and C) they don't run around causing havoc.

One of my main reasons for no children was that we had spent a ludicrous amount of money on nice wine, good food and awesome entertainment that I didnt want it to go to waste as parents have to leave at 8pm before the party kicked off to take their kids home or that they end up frazzled and stressed and wished theyd never bothered.

ifancyashandy · 14/01/2011 15:36

I want to know when the wedding is - am very much looking forward to the OP allowing herself to get worked into a frenzy over the coming weeks / months!

Oh and YABU by the way (v. good points JoJos)

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