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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Invited to a child free wedding.

333 replies

sea74 · 14/01/2011 13:46

I have been invited to a wedding, but children are not welcome.
Now, isnt a wedding the start of a family? Aren't they telling me "come to celebrate our special day but we dont give a t*ss about your family"?....because that is the message i am getting.
If you dont have money, do not invite all these people. But if you are inviting us, you should invite the whole family....

Am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:

wukter · 14/01/2011 14:20

Everyone you know HeadFairy? Not me, or anyone I know. Nor is it a horrible thing to do

You make it sound so easy like it's a choice between some adults you barely know or some kids you barely know. It's more likely to be between 2 old friends who you love versus little RubyElla and Jack whose parents you love and who would be much happier running around freely at grandmas.

PatriciaHolm · 14/01/2011 14:23

"boring sensible adult wedding"

LOL - you're doing it all wrong if they are boring and sensible! The ones I have to take my children to are the ones that end up sensible

FindingStuffToChuckOut · 14/01/2011 14:23

I've always thought kid free weddings sounded a bit nasty but have recently had a change of heart.

What if lots of the people the couple wanted to invite had kids? And especially if the couple didn't? They would have to bend over backwards to accommodate lots of kids at a wedding, possibly having to invite less adults because of it - I mean accommodating a few kids isn't a problem, but when you are looking at potentially lots of kids, it can really change the entire day.

That said I do read on here about new Mum's who are barred from weddings, being bridesmaids etc because they can't just hang their BF baby on a peg somewhere for the day. Taking the no-kids ban that far is just going to piss your friends off and exclude people unnecessarily.

(All the weddings I've been to have included children)

toddlerwrangler · 14/01/2011 14:23

I LOVE childfree weddings, and politely request that all future MN weddings follow suit. Nothing worse then getting a babysitter, being trollyed for the first time in months and scared to move from your chair in case you squash or tread on a random child!

In all seriousness - it is THIER big day. They can do as they wish. So YABU.

MrsYamada · 14/01/2011 14:24

My friend is getting married in the summer, she has loads of relatives, all with children. There is no way she could invite everyone so only siblings children are invited. I know one person who is already getting sniffy about it, but I don't see what else she can do.

OhCobblers · 14/01/2011 14:25

Yes, you are. (being unreasonable that is)
Now isn't a wedding the start of a family NO not for everyone.
But if you are inviting us, you should invite the whole family?
NO they shouldn't

Completely agree with the poster who said that as a primary teacher she's surrounded by kids all the time and that maybe her wedding day she would choose to be the oppos!

more importantly, however, fakeplastictrees i would do everything not to take DS - i think its quite rude of them to insist he is there bearing in mind it won't be them looking after him

my wedding was child free - not for budget purposes but because i didn't want kids there - end of (though had nephews and niece)! would do the same again if i was married tommorrow - admittedly fewer guests as a result (due to so many children having arrived amongst friends over the years) i'm sure, but maybe that would cut the cost by a couple of grand .

if my children get invited we still don't take them - love having adult time catching up and drinking with mates (though fortunate enough to be able to arrange childcare).

Serendippy · 14/01/2011 14:26

Don't tell me they didn't invite your parents either? Or your dog? How unreasonable of them, they obviously don't give a toss about your family.

Bet they will regret inviting you!

narkypuffin · 14/01/2011 14:27

"I had 15 children at my age"

If I'd have had a normal family wedding and invited the children of all family and friends there would have been over 45.

TrillianAstra · 14/01/2011 14:28

"you're doing it all wrong if they are boring and sensible! The ones I have to take my children to are the ones that end up sensible"

I agree with Patricia

swanandduck · 14/01/2011 14:29

I was wondering who would be the first person to use 'odd'.

headfairy my wedding was childfree, I now have kids and I do not regret it one little bit. Your second para is incredibly precious.

mayorquimby · 14/01/2011 14:29

"But if you are inviting us, you should invite the whole family...."

What a ridiculous notion.

"Aren't they telling me "come to celebrate our special day but we dont give a t*ss about your family"?....because that is the message i am getting."

Why would they give a shit? I presume they're not mates with your kids and aren't exactly bothered by the prospect of not having a 6 year old at their wedding.

kepler10b · 14/01/2011 14:30

YABU. particularly the comment about a wedding being about the start of a family. it isn't for every couple. not everyone wants children when they get married.

if you don't want to go to an event without your children just decline the invitation.

TrillianAstra · 14/01/2011 14:31

You seem to have very inflexible views about what a wedding should be.

I hope we have made it clear that not everyone agrees as to what a wedding is about.

headfairy · 14/01/2011 14:35

As I said Wukter, I don't know you :o

Lol at my typo, I meant 15 children at my wedding of course!!!

I am being a teeny bit controversial on purpose here, I have had fun at adult only weddings too of course. And no, I would never have excluded a dear friend to allow another friend to bring RubyElla or Jack. All my school friends had children before me and I said they could bring all of them, 2 of my friends have 9 between them. They actually chose not to bring their children, fair enough, their choice. But I would never have asked them to exclude their children. After all, I've known them since birth (their children of course, not my school friends!)

thumbdabwitch · 14/01/2011 14:35

Most of the weddings I have been to have been child-free and have been great fun! Especially the ones involving ceilidhs with drunk people - distinctly child UN-friendly and they would have had to have been a lot LESS fun if children had been there.

I would have had to pass on the one wedding I was invited to since having DS if I couldn't have taken him, which would have been very sad, but I was still bf'ing him, the wedding was 300 miles away and I had no one I could leave DS with at 8mo. Thankfully for all concerned, he was allowed to come too. BUT I wouldn't have been all sniffy with the bride if she had said "No" - she is a good friend.

One of my other friends had a child-free wedding and she didn't want any children at the church ceremony, although they were allowed to come to the reception. One "friend" insisted that she had to bring her baby with her to the whole event or not come. This friend's mum lived 10 minutes away from the venue - the baby could easily have been left at her mum's for the duration of the church service, but No! She was too PFB to allow this and the letter she wrote my friend was dripping with "you'll be sorry when someone does this to you". They aren't friends any longer; and my friend has always been quite happy to leave her DS with his grandparents to go to child-free weddings since.

LimburgseVlaai · 14/01/2011 14:36

"But if you are inviting us, you should invite the whole family...." Eh???

Why should they invite the whole family? We have even had invitations to just myself or DH (e.g. from colleagues on a limited budget who did not know the other one) - no problem with that at all, and entirely up to the couple getting married.

As for children, unless the DCs know the wedding couple or at least some of their guests very well, they would be bored and unhappy to have to go to a wedding.

Serendippy · 14/01/2011 14:36

'My teenage daughter was invited to her friend's 18th birthday party. It was a family party and was to celebrate her life. She wanted my daughter there but not me! I have told my daughter to think long and hard about going as obviously her friend does not give a toss about me.'

'I have been invited to my best friend's golden wedding anniversary party. It is clearly a celebration of her marriage and should be a family occasion, but she has not invited my 2 grown up sons and their wives and children! What about my family, doesn't she give a toss about them?'

headfairy · 14/01/2011 14:38

Maybe it's because I'm not English that I think it's odd not to take children to weddings. In Argentina (where I'm from) children go everywhere. And yes we have raucous weddings there too! Ditto in Italy (where my dad's from)

Original poster

sea74 · 14/01/2011 14:39

Yes, ok they decide , but with this request they show they donot care of the fact that i have a family.
Am i the only one left in uk that really cares about the meaning of "family"?

OP posts:

narkypuffin · 14/01/2011 14:41

I think part of the rise in child free weddings has come from the way parents keep a tighter rein on children now.

I have fond memories of family weddings spent under the table or 'exploring' the hotel in packs or getting tipsy on wine.

working9while5 · 14/01/2011 14:42

I don't think YA necessarily BU either. I think people do what they want to do, and it doesn't bother me per se, but from my own point of view, wedding is about community and family and I will find it strange to be at my first child-free wedding later this year. I don't judge the couple for choosing it, I just find it odd and privately, it's vaguely annoying to have to find childcare in an area 200 miles from my home...

KERALA1 · 14/01/2011 14:42

You can love and adore your family and not want to attend every social event going with all of them. Am abit confused by your view tbh.

thumbdabwitch · 14/01/2011 14:42

It's not just an English thing. I had a Singaporean belly dance teacher who invited us (her class) to a party at her house. She has 2 small DC. People asked if they could bring their DC with them, and she was genuinely about it - No, she said, it's an adult party for adults to relax and have a drink or two, not worry about their children!

I don't know about other people from her background but she said that where she comes from, evening parties are for adults only and she would never expect to see children at them. I don't know how that translates to weddings; perhaps they have children at the early part and pack 'em all off by the evening so the adults can get on and relax.

Serendippy · 14/01/2011 14:43

Yes, sea you are truly the only caring, family orientated member of society left. I take it you still live with your parents, as family is so important? Or is if just your own kids? Because some day they will leave and you will have to learn how to be an individual again.

You should tell them that you are bitter about this and end the friendship, if you were my mate I would prefer to know about your attitude and reconsider whether I even wanted you there, never mind your whole extended family.

DublinMammy · 14/01/2011 14:44

Their wedding, not yours. YABVU. Don't go if you feel so strongly about it.

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