to consider full time work with 4 month old?

[autumnberry]

I have just been offered a great new job. However, it is due to begin when LO will be 4 months old. There is no negotiation on start time or flexible hours, so it would mean full-time childcare. DP and I had thought I would be a SAHM for the first 18 months (financially, we could last that long), but I am finding this offer too tempting to turn down without giving it serious thought - this job opportunity is so good, and secure contracts are so few at the moment and the foreseeable future. I think a small part of me is reluctant to surrender my identity as a working woman with her own financial security but, even more strongly, I do not want to jeopardize the health and security of my child. What are your experiences of the reality of caring for a new baby? Is it incompatible with a full-time job? Would it interfere with breastfeeding at such an early stage (I know expression would be needed)? Is being dependent on your OH difficult? WWYD?

I would take the job tbh.

By 4 months, they are pretty solid - it's not like leaving a newborn.

You could start introducing the nanny/nursery gently from 3 months and then you'll feel confident with the new set up?

FWIW - lots of Mums I know went back to work properly after dc1. You can always review this after dc2 or when dc1 gets a bit bigger?

Honestly? I wouldn't take it.

4 months old is tiny. If you're breastfeeding they will still be feeding a hell of a lot and I doubt you could express enough while at work to keep up with it, they almost certainly won't be sleeping through the night so you will be knackered starting a new job.

I'm guessing you haven't had the baby yet? Once you do you will be overcome with emotions/love and won't want to leave your tiny prescious baby with someone else.

It sounds like a good opportunity but surely others will come. Do you have a job at the moment? Will you be on maternity leave or quitting your job? If you're on maternity pay then you won't be dependent on your OH, at least not completely.

That's just me though, my sister went back to work after 5 months with both babies and found it tough, but coped. But she is a teacher so still had the holidays with them at least. She also bottle fed.

Good luck making the decision.

i went back to work when each of my Dc were four months old. before mat leave increased to 6 months - dont forget it used to eb 16 weeks then 18 weeks...
it's fine, they fine.
get good childcare eg nanny is easier as baby doesnt neeed to be got up and out to nursery.

why would you be "dependent" on OH?
if he works then you equally repsonsible for post-nanny time.

I returned to work, but only 20 hours per week, when DS1 was 20 weeks because my I had to start maternity leave early due to being ill with hyperemesis. It was a wrench to be honest. Leaving him at nursery for the first time, asleep in his car seat, he looked tiny compared to the other children. Expressing at work made me feel terrible emotionally.

We both got used to it but I wouldn't say either myself or DS were happy with the arrangement and with DS2 I had the luxury of staying off until he was 9 months and could be looked after by family. I found this much less emotionally demanding and tumultuous but if you are emotionally quite strong you might be fine. I'm crap at keeping my emotions in check

Thanks for your support ladies. It has been worrying me, and I really cannot delay the decision much longer. Yes, I am still currently pregnant and due to take maternity leave soon (would cut down maternity leave to begin new job). My mother actually went back to work when I was just 2 months old, so it is difficult to get her true perspective - she is keen to defend her decision.

oh and i got offered a new job when DS1 was two months old - so i went back to old job when he was four months, gave one month notice and moved to new job when he was five months old. new job had more regular hours so it was better all round. had childminder initially ut changed to nanny share - nanny who comes to your home (or lvie in if you have room) in this scenario is going to be far better/easier for you and DH.

I would take it - I went back at 5.5 months and would have gone back earlier, if it wasn't for the timing of his birth that he was 4 months just as DD and DS1 broke up from school for the summer.

I think its all down to the childcare you have. I have a nanny in my own home and it would have been fine. I think much much more difficult (full time work) with a childminder or nursery - eg taking baby to be weighed, bedtime routine etc.

eg with a nanny you get home at 6pm, baby is already bathed and ready to be fed and settled.

Ideally start the nanny at 3 months and it will be fine. You'd probably need to express at least twice or even three times during the work day. By 4 months bfing well established so don't worry too much about that.

Personally I could not have left my daughter in full time childcare at 4 months but it is a very personal choice and I would not criticise anyone who chooses to do so. I was breast-feeding exclusively at this stage and would have found it a right pain to express all the time (i used to express one bottle a day and found this enough!) If you think it is the right decsision for you then go for it - don't feel guilty as every mum knows what is right for them. But do think hard about it as it's a big step to make and you don't want to regret it further down the line. Good luck!

Also wanted to say that it would depend how fixed you are on breastfeeding - I hated expressing and had I gone back earlier I probably would have switched to formula.

I would have found it very difficult, first time around, I didn't find the adjustment to having a baby easy, breastfeeding took an hour a time, every couple of hours, and I don't think it's fair to sleep train or expect a 4 month old to go back. I agree if you have a placid baby, perhaps don't breastfeed or you express/FF, and it all goes swimmingly, it might be doable, and certainly people do. But if you have a colicy or baby who cries a lot (very common), want to breastfeed a lot, or just find the whole tiredness and exhaustion thing a lot, then personally I would have found the pressure of being 'normal' at 4 months in just too much for me.

Second time around, I was more experienced, I had a very easy-going baby, and I went back at 7 months, and that felt startlingly early to me.

It is doable, though.

I ended up being a SAHM kind of by accident after I was forced out of my job after my mat leave ended. Then I got pregnant again and the cost of care for two children meant me staying at home. Four years on I feel trapped by into domestic drudgery and I would kill to go back to work. Am sure I'd be a better mother if I wasn't so bored and fed up. You have to judge whether you can cope with the reality of being a SAHM or the inevitable guilt at not being.

What about DP? Can he be a SAHP, or cut his hours, even temporarily?

Take the job. If you feel differently after the birth of the baby, you can always change your mind.

I went back to work very part-time when my first son was 5 months old. I started at 14 hours and gradually increased my hours to full-time over the course of a around 6 months or so. That worked incredibly well for us, but obviously it all depends on the nature of the job and the flexibility of your employers, but it could be a good compromise to suggest?

Like bintofbohemia, I too was forced out of my job after maternity leave ended. Ended up being a SAHM by default for last 7 years. Although have worked part time in admin type job to fit around the children.

Now I have loved being at home the majority of the time and wouldn't really have changed it. But I still wonder how my career would have been if I'd have gone back into my job. I often think wistfully about it.

in the States they only get 6 weeks maternity leave - I have American friends who went back to work with 2 week old babies which is clearly crazy but is the norm over there so they coped.

The breasfeeding point is a good one - you would have to stop before you went back really - but maybe this is not such a major issue?

Worst case scenario is you try it and it doesn't work and you hande your notice in after a few months? Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

hastybasty, I had not thought of just giving it a try - had somehow convinced myself I needed to be 100% committed to either option. Thanks for the new perspective.

IMO, depends how tough you are - mentally and physically - basically.

It is absolutely possible to do a solid day's work on 3 hours interruped sleep ... over and over again. And if you are the kind of person who could do this sort of thing, if necessary, before you had a baby, so much the better.

I can't say I've found working under these conditions has done much for my temper, good looks and so on - but it can be done.

Having a nanny (you are confident in) would make the whole thing easier than having to drop off at nursery etc

I had to go back to work full time when DS was 3 months, it was the norm in those days. He was sleeping through the night by then, so that wasn't a problem. I did change to a part time job when DS was 8 months and then worked from home when DD was born. I actually went back to work when she was 6 weeks, but from home and did a lot of work when she slept.

When I had my first DC the maternity leave period meant I was back at work full time after 4 months.

Its doable, definitely. Work have to make allowances for your breastfeeding as well - in my case providing a room where I could express in private.

I'll be going back to work full time after 12 weeks. Financially I need to as I only get SMP. I feel that the longer I have off the harder it will be for me to get back, I will be bottlefeeding though and I suspect that may make it a bit easier.

I went back to a new job after four months. Is there any reason not to accept and then potentially change your mind at a later stage? Is it with your current company? Is it a very small industry?

I know it's not the best thing to do morally but at least that would buy you some time.

Not everyone is desperate to stay at home with a young baby and it's pretty much impossible to say how you'll react before you have your child. I love my son but I was running back to work after four months. Yes it was hard leaving him but I haven't regretted it for a second.

Realistically you are going to end up reducing breastfeeding if not stopping all together IMHO.

mrsbaldwin, I'm not too sure how tough I am! Since it is my first baby I have no idea how I am going to feel. A nanny does sound like a good option to help cut out some of the stresses of getting a child ready and delivered somewhere in the morning.

Go for it. It's perfectly normal in Belgium to go back to work full time after 3 or 4 months maternity leave, and babies usually go to creche full time, with grandparents on stand by for when they are ill.

It's not easy, but you sound motivated. Well done on getting the job.

DD has just turned 4 months and there is no way I would be going back now, not to mention full time. She was 2 weeks late - so you could end up going back at 3.5 months. I had an atrocious time after her birth and only stopped being sore in mid December (this is rare, but I assumed that everyone just bounced back from giving birth). She was a bit dull to begin with, but now is delightful and I wouldn't miss this stage for the world. My identity as a working woman mattered more to be before DD was born than now. Will you see your DC for a reasonable period of time each day? If I went back to work I don't think I would be guaranteed to see DD awake every day. None of my feelings on this relate to BF as DD is FF.

Whatever you chose to do good luck!

Autumnberry if you can afford a nanny (even if its a nanny share with another family a bit later down the line to reduce the costs say when your baby is say 6-8 months+) would make it very manageable - although getting your baby to b a good sleeper & into routine would be important.

With a nanny, your time with the baby (eg in the morning and evening) would be quality time - eg feeding baby, compared to using nursery/childminder where need to a) get baby up fed and dressed before you leave house, and b) collect baby at say 6pm and then try to bath overtired baby.

Also important to have nanny start a bit earlier so that by the time you go back to work you are all happy/comfortable with her.

I think much harder with BFing though, all mine went through growth spurts at 16 weeks and wanted to feed all day and night, would be easier with bottles.