to consider full time work with 4 month old?

[autumnberry]

I have just been offered a great new job. However, it is due to begin when LO will be 4 months old. There is no negotiation on start time or flexible hours, so it would mean full-time childcare. DP and I had thought I would be a SAHM for the first 18 months (financially, we could last that long), but I am finding this offer too tempting to turn down without giving it serious thought - this job opportunity is so good, and secure contracts are so few at the moment and the foreseeable future. I think a small part of me is reluctant to surrender my identity as a working woman with her own financial security but, even more strongly, I do not want to jeopardize the health and security of my child. What are your experiences of the reality of caring for a new baby? Is it incompatible with a full-time job? Would it interfere with breastfeeding at such an early stage (I know expression would be needed)? Is being dependent on your OH difficult? WWYD?

I have deliberately only reqad the OP.

I went back to work when my DD was 4 months old and I am very pleased that i did for the following reasons:

1/ I found a fabulous childminder (after 8 interviews)
2/ I took no break from my career and so now that my DD is 5 and at the stage where she actually wants/needs mummy around a bit more I can be flexible as I have earned that right in my employment.
3/ She refused breast milk at 3 months so i wasn't breast feeding by then. If I was and very passionate about continuing I may have reconsidered
4/ I hated mother/baby groups and had no friends with babies.
5/ After HEAPS and HEAPS of paranoid research (and i have a research background so I know it was thorough) there is NO evidence that children are adversly affected when both parents work.
6/ I was damned if I'd let DP swan off and keep his clothes sick free/child free pub lunches/promotions/company incentives/all the glory while I stayed home and changed nappies.

My personal opinion is to take the job, it might not come up again. Also, if youre going to be going back to work at some point - don't delay the inevitable. It'll only get harder as the child gets more vocal. babies don't really need their mum there 24/7. Just someone who will care for them properly.

Oh, and DP cheated on me 6 months later and so i left him... the fact I'd been working enabled me to do that... And yes, I trusted him up until that point-you never see it coming

Systemaddict at 'no detatched parenting here]
Is that an actual term people use if you dont co-sleep and do baby led weaning. Wow I always thought i was very attached to my baby!! Excuse me if i am just not up on the lingo!!

Accept the job find a nanny and make whatever financial sacrifices are necessary to pay her. With a good nanny it will be fine. Then cross your fingers your baby is a good sleeper. Good luck.

I went back FT when DD was 6mo. It was fine - not sure that I would have been entirely ready when she was 4mo but expect we'd have coped.

Will probably get flamed for this, but if you're going to be in an intellectually demanding job you might want to focus on getting LO into a steady routine by the time you go back to work - especially re sleeping. You cannot do a job like that to a decent standard if you are terribly sleep-deprived. And DP should take his turn at doing nights.

FWIW I think you will be making things much much harder for yourself if you try to continue BFing after you've returned to work. Unless job is 9-5 there simply will not be the hours in the day to be expressing at work and spend any time with your baby. And bottles are essential if your DP is going to take his turn at nights.

A really good nursery worked well for us and DD was very happy there. But if you go down that route you should ensure DP will take turns in staying home to look after your LO when he or she is ill.

"Agree with systems - when you need sleep you tend to go for the easiest option and that for me was co-sleeping and bfing on demand when you are together. I tended to wear my babies when i wasn't at work and didn't really go anywhere without them - and that continued more or less up until my youngest was at school."

That is exaclty the same as me, Orm.

I heartily recommend co-sleeping, it is brilliant. They take themselves off to their own bed with no fuss, and it is so lovely warm babies next to you.

autumnberry do you know any babies? I ask because until I had DD I really didn't know any - I hadn't met any tiny ones and hadn't spent more than a couple of hours with older ones. Also are you someone with lots of energy? Part of the reason that I couldn't go back now and wouldn't dream of going back FT is that I am not the most energetic person. My mother worked FT from when I was 3 months and when my DB was 6 weeks. We had fantastic childcare and I don't think it was a problem for me. I think my DB would have liked my mother to be around more when he was older, but didn't notice when he was little. On the other hand my mother was exhausted by it and is very keen that I not repeat the experience.

That is a very gracious apology mapley - I did think at 'detached from your baby', but I don't think you meant to be offensive

I would take the job. You can always leave later if you find it isn't working for you.

As far as the breastfeeding goes, you could consider the possibility of breastfeeding in the morning and evening and formula feeding during the day, which is what I did when I went back to work when each of mine was 6 months.

It is much less stressful (imo) to introduce babies to nannies/nurseries when they are younger. Once they get to about a year old they get upset at being separated from you because they understand that bit more. Certainly at 6 months mine were quite happy to be left with someone else.

Good luck.

Went back after 2 weeks, 5 weeks, things like that with the various babies. It's great and very workable and much easier for everyone and better for the children than some nasty wrench at 18 months.

We had a daily nanny which worked well with all of them and if you have 3 under 5 or 3 under 4 as we had at one point it's cheaper than 3 nursery places. The key can be not being in a sexist marriage and that both of you do as much with the children, collection, dealing with them etc That's the secret. Ensure you have no sexism at home.

OP- only you know yourself. Someone said a few pages back that "no one ever regrets not taking jobs" (I'm paraphrasing), but of course that's just not true. You might regret it enormously. On the other hand, you might find it terrible to leave your baby. I returned to work 7 months after dc1. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. But I realise with hindsight, that much of the difficulties came from me worrying about other people thinking (or saying) that I was a bad mother. My baby was, of course, fine. Now I realise it was best for all of us, and my children are stronger and in a stronger position than they would have been otherwise.

Have read a lot of the answers and I am not convinced about the co-sleeping. It didn't work for me - with any of my three DC - we kept disturbing each other and I hardly slept at all. I could hardly function in the day looking after the baby let alone do a job.

My experience has been closer to MusieB - if its a demanding job you need to get the baby sleep all night in his own cot, and into a good daytime routine. Breastfeeding is going to make things so much more difficult as it will not be possible to BF on demand in the day so when the baby has a growth spurt it will be hard to increase supply.

I went back to work at 5.5 months and although I am very pro-breastfeeding I was desperate to give formula and purees so I could get some sleep. It worked, he went from feeding 2 hourly in the night to sleeping consistency 10pm-7am which meant I could function at work.

However OP - depends on how much sleep you need and how dedicated you are to BFing.

Yes agree Mum - I think it does depend on the baby and you.

It worked for me and dd, however I was single, and only had the one baby. God knows how people do it with more than one, or with a bloke in the bed.

I agree though with BF. I loved BF, but it had to stop when I went to work. Like I said upthread, there was no way you could express at work 15 years ago. I would rather actually have a baby on formula, rather than spending time at work expressing when I could actually be working, and then can leave on time.

I was ver fortunate though that dd was a sleeper througher from a young age.

I would certainly have considered it for a dream job, if I could have found a wonderful nanny.

As it happened, I was still very ill after a difficult twins pregnancy, and you can imagine the nights .

I think you should go with your gut instinct on this one - if you want to take the job, then take it! You have plenty of time to look at childcare options, and your baby won't suffer if you get it right.

I went back FT when dd was around 5 and a half months, but had the luxury of working two minutes from my house and doing a split shift, so I worked in the mornings and evenings and had afternoons off to spend with baby. No commuting time either, which you do need to factor in. DH looked after dd in the evenings, and we had a wonderful nanny who came to our house each morning to look after dd - the friend of a friend, who brought her own older dd with her. I now count the nanny among my closest friends, while her dd and mine are like sisters. Nearly two years ago, we moved across the country for my job, and they regularly get in the car to drive 200 miles to see us, so it is possible for secure attachments to form between children and their paid carers.

FWIW, I wasn't a "detached parent" either. Co-slept, exclusively bf for first six months and continued bf until past two and a half. No strict routines, baby-led weaning, no sleep training etc. Working FT didn't get in the way of this, but I do think it would have been impossible without the nanny.

Agree with Getorfmyland re cosleeping for ease of BFing etc.. Worked for us too.

Also, how far is your home from your prospective workplace? Or is there a good nursery or childminder near the office? If the distance isn't too great, you may not need to express to continue BFing.

I went back to work when DD was 6 months (the end of my full-pay mat leave) to an intellectually demanding, commitment heavy job.

Although DD was EBF'd until that point, I was luckily able to place her in a nursery in my building for a couple of days per week where it was easy to pop in and feed her. Our au pair brought her to me during breaks and lunch on the other days for feeding.

She ate a little food at nursery and continued to have BM for her principle food for several months after I returned to work.

It can be done.

You may also be one of the lucky ones who have a baby who sleeps and/or don't find BFing difficult. You don't really know til they arrive.

Good luck.

autumnberry - you have had a lot of good advice on here - most people agree that its perfectly possible/reasonable to go back to work full time when your baby is 4 months old.

The choice of childcare is going to make a big difference, especially when thinking about how your day will be eg getting baby ready to go out and picking up in the evening. Also the working hours and commuting need to be considered.

A lot depends on how supportive your partner is, and whether you can afford cleaning support.

A lot depends on you and your baby - eg how well your baby sleeps, how much sleep you need (ie are you happy to still be feeding in the night once back at work), how you feel about BFing if its difficult when you go back.

I wasn't detached either despite being back at 2 weeks or whatever. With the twins I was taking business calls the next day quite happily and breastfed all the children for at least a year. I never had a sleeping baby so we breastfeeding at night but that worked for me and it is a very small period of your life when you may be tired (and you're even more tired and fed up at home so going back to work is win win all round)

I thought I could return back to work - even asked my boss on my last day if I wanted to come back early if I could. The DS1 arrived and it changed my whole perspective on everything. All that mattered was him. Now, 3 years on (I didn't return to work) I don't regret my decision in the slightest. My career can wait. Surely you thought you had protected your interests before getting pregnant? Also, I couldn't function properly until at least 6 months!

I wish you all the best in your decision - and congratulations on your pregnancy!

i havent read all the posts

But my friend went back to work at 4 months and has never regretted it. She has always enjoyed her work very much and said it gives her a lot of "self-worth". She now works 4 days a week and always has a full diary of activities planned for her day off with DD.

I personally couldn't of done it. However, I did find it very hard relying on DH for money 2nd time around as I had no savings left to dip into. (they all went with DS1) Since my first saturday job at age 14 I have never relied on anyone for money, even paying my own way through uni) That was possibly the only negative of staying at home for me.

I am now back at work for 3 days & find that a good balance for me.

I went back to work when both DD1 and DD2 were 4 months. I would recommend it if you
a) love your job
b) are very happy with your childcare arrangements.

For us we found a brilliant nursery and DP and I changed working hours so that one dropped off and one picked up. DC now 7 & 9 & have fantastic social skills and confidence. I think the nursery was a good start for them and my career benefited.

I agree with the poster who said that children need their parents more when older rather than when a baby. Getting a good job now that you can show commitment too will stand you in good stead to try flexible working when they are in school so that you can make shows etc when a child will notice if you are there or not.

It also means that, god forbid, if anything happens to your partner or you split etc that you are financially stable and can continue to support yourself.

This is a very interesting thread.

There is definitely an uncertainty for the OP re 'will my perspective change once I have a baby'.

But I like the way tiredbuthappy puts it - I agree, yes loving your job (as well as your DC) and being v happy with childcare are v important.

OP sounds like she has the 'I love my job' feeling.

Where is your partner? Why can't he stay at home with the baby. I get very cross about the way they are left out of discussions about childcare. Children should be just as much their problem as they are ours.