to consider full time work with 4 month old?

[autumnberry]

I have just been offered a great new job. However, it is due to begin when LO will be 4 months old. There is no negotiation on start time or flexible hours, so it would mean full-time childcare. DP and I had thought I would be a SAHM for the first 18 months (financially, we could last that long), but I am finding this offer too tempting to turn down without giving it serious thought - this job opportunity is so good, and secure contracts are so few at the moment and the foreseeable future. I think a small part of me is reluctant to surrender my identity as a working woman with her own financial security but, even more strongly, I do not want to jeopardize the health and security of my child. What are your experiences of the reality of caring for a new baby? Is it incompatible with a full-time job? Would it interfere with breastfeeding at such an early stage (I know expression would be needed)? Is being dependent on your OH difficult? WWYD?

Hello breatheslowly. I imagine that I will feel similar to you and not want to leave my baby. It's lovely to hear that you are enjoying her. However, there are so many women who do return to work. It is confusing to read so many stories of sleepless nights and postnatal healing alongside so many women going back to work relatively early.

If you can afford to do it and have a FT nanny, then that is quite an attractive proposition, providing you won't miss your baby too much. A nanny will take a huge weight off your shoulders and enable your DC to stay in its own home with focused care.

you must do what you think but i am horrified at the thought of a little four month old being in full time care

is this your first baby? only when baby comes will you see how amazing and dependent he/she will be on you

bf takes 6-8 weeks to establish and while it is possible to express, at such an early stage it is time-consuming and the benefits of bf for baby come from the closeness of doing it as well as the nutritonal benefits (if you can, of course)

I have seen little babies in nurseries and I always feel so sad for them - a little baby should be with its mother
you decided to have that baby, you should give that baby your time as a mum for the first months of baby's life

of course this is only my opinion

I think it is an awful idea - like you said, you can stay home, you decided to have a baby, and you need to be there for baby and establish your bond together. at least wait till baby is 9 months old

when you are old and grey, you won't remember the jobs you had, you will remember the precious time you had with your baby - if your baby is being cared for by others i cannot see how your bond will be as close, it can't be

I find it sad that we have moved so far away from a baby's need that it is becoming the norm too leave a baby in full time care so young - it is not right or natural for a baby

little babies need their mums, and you need to be with your baby

A nanny does sound good, although I am not sure we can afford one. I hadn't considered it as an option. Had been considering using either a child minder or grandparents - both of which require transporting baby to somewhere else and therefore making the day a bit more complicated and long.

I don't understand why people have babies and then not see the importance of being with them when they are so little?!

Babies need their mums, at least for the first nine months!

Thanks for your post MsKlo. I fully appreciate your point of view. It is funny, but before this job was offered I also felt sad for little babies being left without their mummies. and yes, I know breastfeeding is as much about the bond and transfer of hormones as it is about nutrition, which is why I am so reluctant to interrupt it. As I said, I am finding this difficult.

of course it is not an awful idea!

you dont have to turn down good job offer because of the bonding debate...

the research consensus is little babies need consistency of good quality care . it doesnt have to be the biological mother. many societies share care of small children amongst extended families.

i had fantastic nanny with my DC 2 and 3 and they are fine and i had no issues bonding at all. they loved the nanny they love me..

as for "missing first steps thing" - which i often trotted out - i did not have a problem with nanny calling me to say "DD did xxxxx" and then rushing home from work to see her do it again for me. i didnt feel i "missed" it. seeing it for the first time for me was fine.

just as your baby might do a first xxxx for a granmother or other person.

my DS1 i wish i had a nanny from the start - not dragging him out to childminder - but in terms of bonding not an issue .

you can still have precious times with your baby after work/weekends - those will be memories created.

and more money makes life easier... get a nanny, get a cleaner so weekends can be family time.

it relaly is doable - tho yes as others said- take the job offer and then if after three months it really isnt working then leave/ask for reduction in hours.

but if this job is what you want - go for it .

People often focus on how important it is to have all those "precious moments" with babies. IMO DCs need you more when they're older. If taking this job means you are in a better position to work flexible hours when your child is 3, 5, 10 even, then it could be a very good move indeed.

Autumnberry

• Would your DP be able to help with taking the baby or picking up from the childminders or grandparents?
• What time would you be home in the evening?
• Would it be the same place for the baby every day.
• What would happen if the baby was ill (nothing serious but too ill to go to childminder). Or needs to go to GP/HV.
• Would you be happy with care from GPs - eg would they let baby sleep all day and you'll have the baby up all night like my MIL does (more of a prob with toddlers) or will they respect your routine
• How fixed are you on EBF?
• Can you function well on little sleep?
• Can you afford a cleaner or are you going to be cleaning in evenings and weekends

FWIW we did a nanny share with DD (with another family with a baby of same age although didn't start until 9 months and both babies in good routine) and it wasn't actually any more expensive than a childminder or nursery.

IME working full time where you are doing all the transporting will be very stressful / difficult.

Take the job, you'll regret it for ever if you pass it up, and you might end up feeling very resentful watching your DP sail on with his career when you've made a big sacrifice. As others have said, if it doesn't work out you can always give it up. DS is 5 months, I'm due to go back next month and if I'd had to go back at 4 months I absolutely could have done (though my position is different from yours as DH will be SAHD).

I couldn't hack being financially dependent on DH, and in this climate it's safer to have 2 salaries coming in anyway. You don't say how much flexibility your DP might have - could he cut back on his hours, at least for a while, if you don't like the idea of FT childcare?

Oh, and I agree with the poster who said you shouldn't fixate on spending time with a tiny baby as they need you just as much when they're older. It's much easier to be flexible in a senior role (contrary to all the crap that gets trotted out about jobs with family-friendly hours) and if this move is good for your career it could be setting you up to be in a very good position later on.

In the country I live in there is no statutory maternity leave at all - I work for a large company who kindly give 4 months, so I was back at work then. I was so worried about it, and it was absolutely fine. And to be honest, now that my DD is 2, and we are completely settled, I'm very grateful for the financial security my job provides.

Excellent childcare with someone who trust is a non-negotiable however, I'm lucky enough that DD is at home with her nanny who she loves.

autumnberry

i don't mean to sound harsh, i know i do a bit!

It will be so hard for you as until you have that baby you will just not know if you will be able to leave him/her

I appreciate cestlavielife has a different point of view to me and I am not here to say I am right or anything but only that to me, it is not right to leave a little baby with someone else! I have had a few close friends who did this and they regretted it. But there are many ladies here who have done it and it worked for them!

I really hope you find some answers and what a shame you cannot delay the job until baby is at least 7 or 9 months, that way you have those precious months together and time to breastfeed well

Breastfeeding is RELENTLESS, please be aware that is is like this, it is amazing and I do it with mine and would always say give this gift to your child, but please just be aware you will be in the 'first stages' of bf still and growth spurts
A close friend who had attachement problems expressed with her baby and bought a big hosptital type expresser as it did the job - the little ones are good but not for sole expressing. get as much advice as you can

The thing is, you will not really know if you can do this until you have baby as it is the most awesome feeling ever and EVERYTHING pales into insignificance!

Good luck x

Hi

I went back to work when DD was almost 4 months old - the law in the country I was working in and so I did not consider that I could not. We had a non live in nanny in our home and I have to admit, now that I am back in the UK and DD went to a nursery full time from ages 2-3 that I am glad we had a nanny when she was that small (but also thought nursery was good for her from age 2).

I had a job that involved travelling so I did have to rely on OH sometimes, company was as accommodating as they could be. I did, however, give up BF soon afterwards and I do believe this was (somewhat) related to going back to work. DD has not suffered at all, I am now a SAHM and we have a great relationship. She is confident, loving etc. and ticks all the development boxes.

Things you need to consider:

What are the working hours - can you realistically balance this.
Your child care
Will the job be so stressful that you won't be able to cope with both (I went back to a job I knew) but have since had a new job and found it more difficult to settle with a child (albeit older)

If you feel it's right I would accept but if you do, don't feel guilty. Personally I am not so fond of babies (clearly loved my own but...) am much more grateful for spending time with her now that she is 3 as I prefer this age. Be honest with yourself and don't worry about others judging you.

And Autumnberry, I managed to survive both the sleepless nights and working, it is absolutely amazing how you adapt.

It is worth cutting out endless other things if it would enable you to pay for a nanny - it will make this all completely possible and you dc will be cared for in your own home so you will feel so much better about it. If you do take the job (which I would) then I really would try and move heaven and earth for a nanny.

Grandparents are great, but the best kind of help is the kind you pay for ime.

I would take it if you feel it's the perfect opportunity for you, as they don't come along very often! I'm sure everyone would understand completely if you did want to stay home with your little girl but if you do choose to take the job please don't feel that you're endangering her 'health and security'. I assume you and your DP would be ensuring there was good childcare in place for her?

If you both strongly feel it's important to have a parent at home for the first year or two, is there any possibility your DP can fill that role? What would the impact be on his career if he did, compared to yours?

Well, not being married does make me more aware of the 'sacrifice' I may make, after all, DP (and his career) will benefit from me being at home. DP says he will support me, but I have no legal security to back me up. DP has a long commute, but his hours could be flexible to an extent. Perhaps he and I need to chat more before reaching a final decision. His argument is that it is better for the baby for me to go back to work later. Aargh! It's so easy for me these days!

In Holland women usually go back to work when their child is 10 weeks as that's when the mat pay runs out. The children seem fine.

Petsville is right - you will regret it for ever if you don't at least give it a go.

I asked earlier - what's your DP's work situation? Could he adjust his working hours? Is his job secure? Do you have (willing and able) family nearby to pitch in?

Several of my friends were SAHDs, maybe combined with a bit of freelance from home (deskbased types) or evening/weekend working (catering or builder/decorator types). This was 10 years ago. It's not that radical an idea (although sometimes even on MN people refer to fathers looking after their own DCs as "helping out" or even - God forbid - "babysitting").

TBH there's no way to knwo how you will feel once the baby is here, and if the baby has reflux or other issues that may require a bit more than a feed andf a cuddle.

Autumnberry you could always take the job and then quit if it doesn't work for you surely?

Obviously this is not the ideal solution, but I often feel we put so much pressure on ourselves to make "final" decisions, whereas very few things in life are cast in stone, and its often easier than we think to play things by ear so to speak.

I went back to work when ds was 4 months old (well, 4.5), though it was 3.5 days/week but still he was in nursery full days - on-site nursery. He was fine and settled much better than those started at 8-12 mo. in the full throes of separation anxiety. You need childcare you have confidence in, and probably also to factor in the inevitable sickness bugs etc - it is complicated - but, absolutely can work (though I was in a bit of an exhausted haze for a while!). Did same with dd at 5 months, she was fine too.

Can I just say 'precious moments' is scorned at on MN but there's a reason they're called precious. In my mind the 'precious moments' were sometimes what got me through sleepless nights and relentless days.

You make a good point about not being married actually - I started a thread in the Legal forum about this recently as was thinking about my own situation.

If you're thinking of making career sacrifices (current and future earnings) and being financially dependent on your DP, do definitely have a serious think/talk and make sure you have accurate information about what would happen if you were to split up in a less-than-amicable way, or if anything happened to him. Not nice to think about such things, but it's important. I wouldn't be a dependent SAHM without being married or having equivalent legal contracts drawn up, I just don't think that's a sensible situation to put yourself in.

I would not do it. I am a working mum and always knew I would go back, was ready to go back earlier than I expected (when DS was 10mo) and have been full time since he was 18mo. I would not have gone full time any earlier, and I would not be full time at all if it meant he was in f/t childcare. I feel guilty enough and concerned about my relationship with him, and concerned that he will not have enough good memories with me, and that he will be closer to his father (who is at home 4 days a week). I would have missed him like buggery at 4mo. I guess you could try it, but what if you make a commitment and find once it is born that you can't do it? Will you have buggered up maternity pay from current job?

I do feel that the fact that other mothers go back after 8 weeks/4months/whatever in other countries has fuck all to do with anything. So they don't have the choice - you do.