to consider full time work with 4 month old?

[autumnberry]

I have just been offered a great new job. However, it is due to begin when LO will be 4 months old. There is no negotiation on start time or flexible hours, so it would mean full-time childcare. DP and I had thought I would be a SAHM for the first 18 months (financially, we could last that long), but I am finding this offer too tempting to turn down without giving it serious thought - this job opportunity is so good, and secure contracts are so few at the moment and the foreseeable future. I think a small part of me is reluctant to surrender my identity as a working woman with her own financial security but, even more strongly, I do not want to jeopardize the health and security of my child. What are your experiences of the reality of caring for a new baby? Is it incompatible with a full-time job? Would it interfere with breastfeeding at such an early stage (I know expression would be needed)? Is being dependent on your OH difficult? WWYD?

Oh and some more

I co slept with dd. I think it was lovely to have her sleep with me all night. She co slept til she went to school near enough. I think that helped.

Also, I never went out. The onky time I left dd was to go to work. So no social life or anything, not that I minded at all. Actually it was easy as I was single.

And, kids need you far more when they are teens, in different ways. I am lucky in that despite my job being challenging, i can bugger off home whenever dd needs me as I am at a level of seniority which allows taht. So can work from home in the summer hols etc.

Yes it's perfectly compatible. In fact with just one baby it's a doddle! Really it is. if you find good flexible childcare - we used a CM and that was the best decision we ever made.

"Not so long ago the materbnity laws were such that you had to go back to your job at 18 weeks"

Well exactly. In fact I went back with DS1 at 12 weeks.

On the night shifts - DH and I used to do one night on and one night off. This meant that each night one of us would do the whole of the night feeds. Hard work for that night but of course that parent was safe in the knowledge that they would get the following night off.

It worked for us.

Every baby is different. Every mum is different. Some babies settle / feed / sleep easily and some don't. Not sure at what stage of pregnancy you are or if you have had the baby but I was adamant I would want to go back to work more or less straight away after the birth of DD1 but then after she was born I changed my mind. However, by 9 months I was more than ready to go back to work. So with DD2 I knew that I would likely feel the same way. I returned to work full time, expressing and getting back in time to do bedtime feed, feeding at night and feeding before I left in the morning. I kept this up until DD2 was 12 months.

This was my decision and I had a very supportive existing employer. You should sound out the new employer about the policies on such things to see if they are likely to be supportive. That, a terrific nanny and a DH / DP who understands your drive and ambition are the key to whether you can do this.

DD1 was very sicky and a lot harder work than DD2 (who slept through from a few days) but I coped fine both times. I think you have to go with the flow if working is important to you. Some days / weeks will be better than others but it is for such a short time. And I believe if you are happy, your DCs are happy. If having a rewarding job makes you happy then you will do what it takes to make it work.

From the tone of your post I think you know you are strong enough so just depends on everything else.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

Not sure if anyone's mentioned it, but I found 4 months particularly tough. There's the evil "4 month sleep regression", a growth spurt and also the beginning of pressure to wean or not to wean, with all the extra work that makes. Even if you were to wait till 6 months to wean, you'd only be 2 months into your job. How do you feel about a nursery or CM weaning your child, ie giving them their first meals and starting their relationship with food for life.

I think to do this you either have to very detached from your baby in terms if your parenting ( ie not breastfeeding, not co sleeping, not letting the baby lead anything, having a struct routine, feed from jars, don't tolerate night waking). If you want to parent more natrually ( ie breastfeed, still be up allnight, not early weaning, not topping up) then I think you'd need to supremely motivated, organised and strong minded to work fulltime at 4 months. Personally I went back to work a half day a week at 5 months and found that a struggle.

But depends on how motherhood effects you. Take the job, and then give it up after you've had the baby and know more how you feel x

I returned ft with all of mine when they were between 4 and 5 months old. I continued to bf with some formula bottles too until they were all over year, expressing with number 1 and 3 but not 2 actually only bf until 9 months that time).
I found baby being in ft nursery was great for routine setting and they helped lead the way for weaning.
Go for it. My kids have definitely not suffered as a result

I had a third degree tear and I still couldn't poo without crying at 3 months post birth. Just thought I'd chuck that little gem in the mix...

I went back when ds was 4.5 months, it was hard, but it was fine. Dh completely on our side though, so we both were up in the night etc, I mixed fed, so that wasn't an issue. I found that he settled in at nursery fine, and we have never had any problems with seperation anxiety, as he knows when he is off to 'little school' ( he is now 16 mo).

I'm in the minority in that I thought nursery was better for a tiny one, but as others have commented, pay good money for your childcare and if you decide to take the job, go with whoever you feel most comfortable with and who reassures you the most. I had seen a coupe of nurseries which were ok, then went and saw the one he goes to and I left that first look round just so happy and reassured.

I agree with MBear - you need to see which childcare suits. Some nurseries are wonderful and may suit you better than a CM. In any case though pay as much (if not more) than you can afford, you get what you pay for.

I would like to add, that I don't think I am either a) super organised or b) detached from ds. He has only just started sleeping through in the last month, so even if I had gone back at 9 or 10 months he would have still had me up in the night!

We just go with the flow, co sleep when he wants etc. Dh changed his working pattern so he could pick ds up from nursery. And it was easier for the first 2 months before he started weaning as he only had to have a bottle for breakfast, now he demands toast and cheerios!

I went back to work when my DS was eight weeks old. It was to a new job and it was knackering as I was learning the job and up a couple of times in the night.

This wasn't through choice but necessity as this was a while ago when mat leave was not very generous.

I was lucky because my Mum and Dad looked after him full time for us - we couldn't afford childcare and this was in the days before WTC, CTC, Childcare Vouchers and all the other help you can get now.

I think it affected me more than my DS, the guilt of leaving him if he was poorly etc but I knew he was in safe, loving hands.

The upshot is that he has a lovely close relationship with his nan and grandad and can tell them anything. He still goes there twice a week from school for tea and to play on the wii - he and my mum are always texting!

You have to do what is right for you now.

Getorf - the expense really does pay off doesn't it?

I was 7months pregnant when I went looking at nurseries and I was pretty blasé about them all, thought they were ok and assumed I would just drop him off on his first day and all would be fine. I then went and saw the nursery he now goes to and I left practically in tears as they were just sooo lovely and I truly hadn't realised how much I needed this reassurance.

Nope, no detached parenting here. I breastfed both mine exclusively till 6 months and carried on till they each self-weaned, co-slept with both, did all the night wakings as dp is rubbish on that front, ds wouldn't eat from jars so I didn't use any (with dd did baby-led weaning so that was easy) and could never get my head around any routines, babies definitely led everything. Am completely disorganised at home and yes I was exhausted and hazy at work at times and it was chaos BUT we got through it.

exactly, systemsaddict :)

Hazy and tired, but got through it and all is better (for us) all around now because of it.

I dislike the assumption that if a mother goes back to work she has to stop bf

If this is your first baby then all I'd caution is that, if you take the job, you may feel very different once the baby is born.

Whilst pregnant I entered a contract that required me to go back to work, full-time, from when baby would be 6mo. I planned to use a childminder. After ds1 was born I felt completely differently about leaving him - couldn't bear the thought of it at all. In the end my mum moved halfway across the country to look after him for 9 months til the contract was up at which point I became a SAHM.

Despite the fact that I knew he was being very well cared for (1-1 with adoring granny) I spent the time emotionally torn and physically knackerd (he was not a good sleeper).

Anyway, it does sound a good opportunity but could you change your mind if you had to?

Apologies if I offended anyone, I can see now I was being judgemental, in that I was only seeing things from my perspective. It's a minefield, one you're always learning about, just how many different kinds of mother and baby relationship there are. And you won't know what your's is like till you're a mum.

Apologies again, I promise to listen and learn and not assume.

lovely post Mapley thank you and apologies from me if I got defensive!

Thanks, systemsaddict. I am open to baby-led weaning and co-sleeping so it's good to know you managed this whilst working.

Do what is right for you, if I felt it was the right thing to do then I would return to work. Maybe weigh up if the financial gain is worth it in the long run. I know quite a few people who had to return to work soon after having a baby including some very wonderful parents, and though it was difficult they managed. I am looking to stay at home for the first year but will return to work after that to avoid my partner being straddled with all the financial responsibility (my opinion, he would love me to be at home for as long as possible) and for the sake of my own independence. A baby may have access to mummy day or night but if mummy is unhappy, bored or worried about finances at home, baby will pick up on it, research shows this to be true. But as some have said already, when baby comes along you may never want to leave his/ her side; but don't feel guilted into staying home. Just make sure you can trust who ever you have chosen to care for baby in your absence so you have peace of mind in that respect.

Your baby won't suffer at all, imo. You might, though. How hardy are you? I mean, physically and mentally, how do you usually stand up to those kinds of challenges? And do you multi-task well? Can you compartmentalise well? These are the things you will need to ask yourself.

I struggled to get back to a 'dream job' when my first baby was 10 months old. I just hadn't gotten over the 'shock' of becoming a mum, the birth, the change in every area of my life.

However, I was gagging to get back to work by the time my second child was about 3 months old, and was in a full-time, full-on job and loving it by the time she was 5 mths old.

there is no absolute foolproof way of knowing how you will feel/cope, so it is always going to be a risk. I'd go on your gut instincts now, and deal with the consequences later. What else can you do?

no way on earth I could have done it...I took every last day I could of maternity leave and went back to work when she was
11 months and only then was I just about ready, and only when for two long days (half time equiv) a week.

but I am a big softie.

other people as you can see clearly manage no probs.

at 4 months my little girl was still feeding what felt like constantly and she really really needed her mummy. we exclusively breastfed though, maybe if you were mixed feeding you could manage, I don't know.

I wouldn't do it but I understand your issues with your job. I know that me only going back part time has seriously affected how I am viewed at work, my contract isn't going to be renewed and I am sure that is a lot to do with it.

Agree with systems - when you need sleep you tend to go for the easiest option and that for me was co-sleeping and bfing on demand when you are together. I tended to wear my babies when i wasn't at work and didn't really go anywhere without them - and that continued more or less up until my youngest was at school.

There's this crazy thing that happens between 4-5 months. The regression to newborn hell with waking to feed every hour or so.

If you can cope with that and working then good luck.

With my first I wasn't recovered from the birth until way past 6 months.

With my second I could run a marathon at 6 hours.

You don't know how your will recover and adjust so personally I wouldn't be making any plans at all.

Its hard to know how you will feel until you have the baby but i would try it.

Up to recently 4 months was the standard so plenty of women went back to work then and as many posters have pointed out, its 6 weeks in America.
You are still an individual entity and are entitled to be fulfilled.

I should say that I went back to work 3.5 days at 8 months and my career has nosedived, which i am now regretting.
Its true what they say, you cannot have it all as i couldnt go back to full time work (would miss DC too much) so am destined to no career fulfillment !!