to consider full time work with 4 month old?

[autumnberry]

I have just been offered a great new job. However, it is due to begin when LO will be 4 months old. There is no negotiation on start time or flexible hours, so it would mean full-time childcare. DP and I had thought I would be a SAHM for the first 18 months (financially, we could last that long), but I am finding this offer too tempting to turn down without giving it serious thought - this job opportunity is so good, and secure contracts are so few at the moment and the foreseeable future. I think a small part of me is reluctant to surrender my identity as a working woman with her own financial security but, even more strongly, I do not want to jeopardize the health and security of my child. What are your experiences of the reality of caring for a new baby? Is it incompatible with a full-time job? Would it interfere with breastfeeding at such an early stage (I know expression would be needed)? Is being dependent on your OH difficult? WWYD?

systemsaddict (I can't read that without the song running through my mind. Please someone make it stop. Are you a systems analyst or a Five Star fan? ) makes a good point wrt to the clingy phase 9 monthers go through.

It's a very hard decision OP. I think only you can make the decision and it must come from the heart, as you have an option about going back to work which lots of people don't have. Lots of the replies on here are from people who did go back to work with small babies, and with the best will in the world they might unconsciously be trying to defend their position.

I notice lots of the replies focus on the advantages and effect on you rather than on the baby. It's vital to think about how this will affect the baby. They are tiny at that stage and really need one on one dedicated consistent care from somebody they have a close bond with and most of all lots lots lots of love. No it doesn't have to be you. But my advice is whatever you do make sure this will be available if at all possible.

dont.....I think people are too frightened to discuss the effect on the baby, it's not good MN form.. Parenthood is all about Mummy.

Thanks Ephiny. Yes, it's difficult. Are you pregnant? I would like to read your thread. I think this is actually the crux of the issue. I would love to be SAHM and think it would be great for us as family, but feel I need to protect my interests as not married.

autumnberry what would your hours be?
I went back ft but I'm a teacher and I continued to exclusively breastfeed and expressed some (he quickly started refusing it from anything but breast, though). I didn't have to give up bf at all. I had baby taken care of very near my work so I could go and bf and carer could bring to me.

I bf for 13 months :) I did have loads of holidays, too, though and days are shorter (left at 3.30, just brought all of my work home and worked when baby slept).

If your hours aren't too long and you can find childcare near where you are working or work from home at all, it might not be so grim. Just another perspective for you :)

Jenai neither, though it is inspired by the song, I just believe that if only I can introduce the right systems into my life all the chaos will fall into place

protect your interests?

Are you on the deeds/tenancy? Are you paying into the mortgage (if you have one)? Do you have your own savings? I understand the need to keep independent but why can't you return to your current employment after your 9/12 months maternity leave?

And yes, I'm sorry to say it, and I'm as feminist and pro-working mothers as they come, but in the first 12-24 months babies need to develop secure attachments with one or more attachment figures. If you go back full time at 4 months old, the primary attachment figure is unlikely to be you. Sorry...

autumnberry sorry this sounds simplistic now but can't you just pop down the registry office and get hitched and set your mind at ease? I had no interest in marriage but feck it we did it when I was 6 months preggers just the two of us. of course I don't know the circs.

That is quite simply not true, MargaretGraceBondfield

There are however a number of us who take a longer term view. As I said earlier, if taking this post means the OP can work more flexible hours when her baby is older it could be a good move for mother and child.

OP, you really do need to thrash this out with your DP. If he's going to get pissy about you going back FT, then he needs to demonstrate in what way his job and his career are so much more important than yours.

Not able to read all the replies right now, but as a quick response, IME it will really depend on what you do, & how stressful & full on the job will be, but to start a new job where you will feel the need/be expected to prove yourself I'd recommend you be VERY VERY careful

I was back in full time work in a stressful & full on industry by 4 months, & haven't been well enough to work much at for the last 7 years as a result, the first 3 of those I could barely walk, so don't rush into anything you might regret, not just for the sake of your Dc, but your health too...as my GP said at the time.....they don't call it labour for nothing

Eric, that didn't happen with my DS :)

He has a secure attachment with me.

MargaretGraceBondfield - am not trying to defend my position at all.

Am a working Mum and went back when ds was 12 months and when dd was 6 months. never regretted it - both times i enjoyed going back to my professional world and having time with an identity other than 'Mummy'

if anything, i think children need you more as they get older - mine ar 6 and 4 now, and I may well cut my working hours at some point this year.

there is no definitive answer to this query - there are lots of unknowns at the moment - all I was trying to do was reassure OP that if she really wants this job (as she has said)that it can be done, and that no decision she makes when her dc is 4 months old is for ever.

and to the poster who started ranting on about not knowing why people had children if they didn't want to look after them....

It's entirely your choice. In many countries, 4 months maternity leave is just not possible - it's a matter of a few weeks or a couple of months. I think that at that age, a baby will miss mummy less than a 10 or 12 month old. It will be tougher on you to leave a baby that early, but easier on baby - as long as he/she is cared for, fed, cuddled etc etc, he/she will be too young to miss you specifically. Just been speaking to a good friend with a 6 month old who has just realised that mummy is not daddy and vice versa and is getting very picky about who cuddles her when!

It's not an irreversible decision but it's a very personal one between you and your DP. I think there are some good comments on here but ultimately you will do what is right for you, your family and your circumstances.

This was the thread I started about my situation - no I'm not pregnant (yet! :)) and it was more about house ownership and rights regarding that, but it's something I was thinking about given that we're hoping to have a baby before too much longer.

Right now I'm not too unhappy with the situation because I have good savings and an income of my own, and it would be no problem for me to go and get a place of my own if necessary, however if I was to give up my financial independence I'd want to make very sure I couldn't just be thrown out on the street (possibly with a child) with no money, and if I was being supported by DP I'd want that guaranteed as a legal contract not just an informal 'promise'. I feel sure he would always do the right thing for me and his children, and most likely yours would do, but it's safer not to rely on that!

attachement - not -they always knwo who mum/dad is - but they can also form attachments with other significant people eg nanny or childminder or granparent who is around a lot.

children need you more as they get older - absolutely. i really do think this si true - as babies/toddlers they need consistent caregivers to attend to tehir really basic needs for food, comfort, love etc....and to feel secure in those people; young children will sometimes call a teacher "mummy" (am i right, teachers??) ...but not when they that bit older...

but as they get older the emotional development becomes even more important. as they question/understand more about their identity as individuals and place in the family/society etc. life is much simpler as a baby/toddler/4-5 year old...

i cut my hours now to be able to to pick DC up from after school care - this has made a big difference but partiuclarly ebcause they older. when younger - they had consistency of caregiver and that was fine.

Take the job. I went back to work at 4 months with eldest, there was NO issue with bonding/not having precious moments thank you very much and I'd have gone off my rocker if I'd stayed at home much longer.

Make sure you're 100% comfortable with whatever childcare option you choose. If you can afford nanny, that would be good.

Feeding - I'll get flamed for this but tbh it is far better to switch to formula if you can. I had all these hopes for expressing etc but it just wasn't realistic.

The issue about not being married/longer term financial security is very important and a strong reason for taking the job too. If it does all get too much, or you're not happy, it will be easier to either go part time later on or transfer to another job from an existing job. If you take 18 months out of the job market you may find your employment options more limited - and it will be far harder for both you and baby to adjust to the change then.

Good luck with whatever you choose

A lot of varied responses on here already - may I back up other posters who have pointed out you may need to consider your physical health and well-being following the birth? I had an easy pregnancy and quick labour, but wasn't prepared for complications with tearing/stitches which stretched my recovery period to a full 8 months after the birth. NCT friends who had unexpected c-sections were also in poor shape for much longer than they'd expected.

I was utterly taken aback by my response to DS when he arrived. I protected him like a tigress and it was a full 10 months before I organised any kind of childcare - I think I'm a bit of an extreme example though! The early days were hard but felt so rewarding - the thought of being back at a desk during the first year was unthinkable for me. Having said that, if you have nothing to lose with the employer, I broadly agree with others who suggest giving it a go and seeing how it works out for you - you may be in great shape after the birth and not everyone loves the newborn period. Whatever happens, you will be a mother for the rest of your child's life and there'll be loads to do at every stage. Good luck with your decision, OP.

I used to feel like MsKlo but i've changed my mind a bit. I have no career and will struggle to re-establish myself when my children are in school. I love my kids but am feeling a frustrated by the routine and monotony and a bit like a lapsed feminist and it doesn't sit well with me anymore. I feel like a very two dimensional person at the moment and I'm finding it a struggle.

I personally wouldn't, but it depends if you are like me. I think they are young for such a short time and you will never get this time back. I had to go back 3 days per week when DS was 10 months and I hated it. He was about 18 months before I felt better about leaving him. DD arrived while we were in rather more financial difficulty but this time we moved while I was on ML to live near my family and I am doing temp work here and there (gave up my permanent job to move) and despite being poor I don't regret it.

Yes in our house too it has been now that they are older they need us more, both dp and I worked full-time until just before ds started school but he resigned and is now SAHD - partly 'cos it would have been too much for ds to cope with school plus after-school/holiday childcare.

What systemaddict and others have said - they do need you more as they get older. I worked full-time until eldest started school, going part time which provides good blance though less job satisfaction.

They are now at secondary. I'd expected to go back full time now but am continuing part time as their need is still there, but in a completely different way. [smild]

I am with the take the job brigade.... I did it with DS2 and with DD2 went back to work when she was six months old. In both instances I had no choice but to go back to work because of finances, HOWEVER it was hard to leave my babies. After the initial heart wrenching moment of leaving them for the first time I was pretty okay and they were too. Going back to work is not awful at all

Autumnberry - I went back full time after 6 weeks with my first, 4 months with my second and 4 weeks with my third. All three were after C-sections so it can be done physically. I guess it was easy for me to do because I had to do it financially and I am pragmatic so there was no beating myself up about it.

For my first DC I had a wonderful childminder, she looked after my daughter beautifully and gave me advice I would have thrown back in my own mother's face. It does mean that you and your DP need to be organised in the evenings as this is when you are doing sterilising, bag packing etc. I think this is made a lot easier by just having lots of stuff! We were poor as church mice so were forever juggling.

To be honest I think that leaving a small baby is far easier than leaving a much older child. This is for many reasons - the baby really doesnt care so long the childcare is good quality. It is far easier for the mother, you enjoy your maernity leave but know that it is ending so dont settle into too much of a SAHM routine (I didnt anyway).

My view would be go for it. My DCs are 15, 12 and 11 and I dont think have suffered with any of the wierd social experiments DH and I have inflicted on them.

Dont be surprised to get a lot of 'poor wee mite' type reactions but once back at work you wont hear these!

I think it if absolutely fine to go back to work at 4 months. Not so long ago the materbnity laws were such that you had to go back to your job at 18 weeks. So lots of people do it with no ill effects.

I went to work FT when dd was 3.5 months old. It was absolutely fine. She is now 15 and I have been working FT ever since. It is fallacy to say that childcare has a long term effect tbh.

It is also about personal decisions. If you want to stay home, fine, but DD's father buggered off when she was 3 months old, if I didn't get a job I would have gone on benefits. And I didn't want that. I wanted to earn my own money.

It has paid dividends, I now have a fantastic career which I frankly wouldn't have had if I stayed at home for a couple of years. And I have a very close relationship with dd - yes you can have both.

Practically speaking - pay as much as you can for childcare. I was skint for years as the childcare was more than my rent. But it was worth it. DD went to a childminder who had 2 mindees (plus 2 school aged children of her own) and DD was there for 5 years. She was very loving and dd is still in touch now. Personally the only nursery in town at the time was rather regimented, I much preferred the home enviornment of a childminder. If you can afford a nanny all the better.

I EBF and gave up when I returned to work. This was a shame however I couldn't express - I used to get a thimblefull after ages of expressing - so dd went on formula when I went back to work. It wasn't really possible to express at work 15 years ago, however times have changed and you will be able to do this now if you still want to BF.

Sleep - yes you will be knackered until you get used to it, but your DH will have to do 50-50 with night wakings.

I have no regrets - going to work was the best for my family in all respects. I was having a conversation with DD about it and asked if she regretted my working FT all through her childghood. She just looked at me and said that she would do the same herself with her children.

I may possibly be pregnant now (fingers crossed) and I plan to do teh same - back to work at 4-6 months. My career is such that I cannot take time out for any length of time - evwerything moves and changes so fast - so this is the best for me. I would probably do a 4 day week, DP would do a 4 day week as well so childcare for only 3 days. And I think there is no problem with that.

Good luck with your decision, but don't feel guilty. Taking this job will probably make you happier than sitting at home thinking 'what if'.

havent read all the thread but I would take it, start and see how you get on. You can always quit if it doesn't work out. You won't know how you'll feel until you do it (and that includes actually going back). I had a year out with DS and went back part time. Within about 3 weeks I realised I would actually love to be doing at least one day a week more but can't change now until next sept when I will also be leaving a 4 month old. Don't worry about the employers, its business, they'll cope - as you said there are no shortage or applicants for jobs at the moment!