to have removed DD when H was shouting at her?

[HarryDan]

DD is six, and can be provocative/challenging in her behaviour - deliberately will full, if you will.

At dinner she poured (quite alot) of salt over her food, even when asked not to. Dh snapped at her then told her not to eat it, she then dipped food in it and continued eating (i.e, ignored him).

I know how frustrating it is to be ignored by children, but he began shouting at her. I asked him to leave it, but he continued, so I left the room as I didn't agree with him, but didn't want to undermine him. He wasn't continuously shouting, but his voice was raised.

I went upstairs and heard him tell her to finish her dinner - she then went behind his back (while he was loading the dishwasher) and threw most of her dinner in the bin. The entire thing wasn't covered in salt, so it was perfectly edible, and we don't really take kindly to wasting food.

DH lost the plot and began screaming at her, really loosing his temper & at this point I felt he was taking it too far, came back in the room and intervened. I took her out of the room, and told him that he was being a bully, and that he shouldn't scream at anyone like that. You wouldn't scream at your family or colleagues like that, so it's not OK to scream at a six year old like that :(

He told me to fuck off, I was very calm and took her upstairs and told her that although she must listen to him (re: food etc) its not OK for anyone to shout at her like that. She was really upset (which she can play up when getting told off, as all children do) and DD1 was also in tears. I could see they were both frightened.

DH has gone out - I assume not talking to me, and is obviously vexed that I undermined him as he feels she doesn't respect him,

My question is, did I do the right thing?

You completely undermined your DH a number of times- by walking out rather than supporting him, by having a go at him in front of her and then by criticising him behind his back - I'm not surprised he reacted as he did. Agree with mutznutz - your support earlier may have prevented the escalation but if not you should not have criticized him in front of her, just removed her from the situation, given her an appropriate sanction for her bad behaviour and let him speak to her once he had calmed down.

I think your DD got the frustration from your DH that he was feeling for you...you did undermine him and you shouldn't have left the table.

No he shouldn't scream at a 6yo.

He should DEFINITELY not speak to you like that, especially in front of your child.

FWIW I don't think her behaviour was 'shocking' but naughty, yes and I would've sent her to her room without dinner once she'd deliberately disobeyed what she'd been asked to do.

But we all make mistakes, she'll survive - might be worth some damage limitation in speaking to your DD and (if you truly believe it) telling her that her daddy isn't a bully - that you said that in the heat of the moment because that he lost his temper.

I also think it's good for children to see that parents disagree, and watch a bit of conflict resolution. How else will they learn to do it?

The "fuck off" was a bit ott. But hey, which of us has never done it?

So do I. The key bit is "when the situation warrants it."

To me, mucking about with the salt is being silly, not a hanging offence.

Especially at six.

Kids should not be subject to red, angry, screaming faces pressed up to there's.

If one parent loses control like that the other parent takes them out of the room.

Then you say SORRY!! - that daddy screamed at you like thst.

Don't forget to say - SORRY!

I don't think the issue is mucking around with salt, it's the deliberate disobedience on two separate occasions that is the issue!

On a slightly different note, I remember standing at the top of th estairs with my dad shouting in my face. I gave him a big old push and he fell backwards down the stairs. So watch out, shouters.

Oh, and if the dad feels undermined - yeah - too bad!!

I completely agree with Hully ....Pick your battles, getting irate over silly things all the bloody time takes up far to much energy

I love threads like these, really help me to understand some of my students' attitudes and behaviours more...

Good grief, do people really think a 6yo who puts salt on her food and ignores her Dad when he tells her not to eat it deserves to have a fully grown man throwing a temper tantrum, screaming and shouting and scaring her?

Amazing the double standards here. If a child behaved that way, they'd be in big trouble. But apparently it's fine for an adult. Honestly, are adults not supposed to be the ones who are able to control themselves?

The dd was naughty. As six year olds are sometimes. Hardly the crime of the century - a reasonable response would have been a telling off or sending to her room or losing computer/TV time. The dh completely lost it and behaved much worse than the dd.

"the deliberate disobedience" I simply don't see it in those terms. I find them very unhelpful!

I think that kids want to please their parents, if you can get them to choose to stop doing something unwanted, by using humour and love, and show that you are all on the same side, and all in it together, everyone has a nicer time.

Hully, are you confessing here? Do we need some 'Enders style duff-duffs?

Good one!! Hullygully.

It was a long time ago, Chickens...he survived to shout another day!

Hully - what happened to your Dad?!

...or push their fathers down the stairs !

I would have loved to push my father down the stairs

In fact, I might just do it one day

but I digress...