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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have removed DD when H was shouting at her?

289 replies

HarryDan · 10/01/2011 22:25

DD is six, and can be provocative/challenging in her behaviour - deliberately will full, if you will.

At dinner she poured (quite alot) of salt over her food, even when asked not to. Dh snapped at her then told her not to eat it, she then dipped food in it and continued eating (i.e, ignored him).

I know how frustrating it is to be ignored by children, but he began shouting at her. I asked him to leave it, but he continued, so I left the room as I didn't agree with him, but didn't want to undermine him. He wasn't continuously shouting, but his voice was raised.

I went upstairs and heard him tell her to finish her dinner - she then went behind his back (while he was loading the dishwasher) and threw most of her dinner in the bin. The entire thing wasn't covered in salt, so it was perfectly edible, and we don't really take kindly to wasting food.

DH lost the plot and began screaming at her, really loosing his temper & at this point I felt he was taking it too far, came back in the room and intervened. I took her out of the room, and told him that he was being a bully, and that he shouldn't scream at anyone like that. You wouldn't scream at your family or colleagues like that, so it's not OK to scream at a six year old like that :(

He told me to fuck off, I was very calm and took her upstairs and told her that although she must listen to him (re: food etc) its not OK for anyone to shout at her like that. She was really upset (which she can play up when getting told off, as all children do) and DD1 was also in tears. I could see they were both frightened.

DH has gone out - I assume not talking to me, and is obviously vexed that I undermined him as he feels she doesn't respect him,

My question is, did I do the right thing?

OP posts:
SarfEasticated · 10/01/2011 22:42

YWNBU
I think you did the right thing if he was really shouting at her. Scary for them. Sounds to me like he knew he was out of order and was lashing out at you when he told you to FO too.
I think you should speak to him, as another exasperated equal rather than 'telling him off' and work out how best to deal with this behaviour when it happens again. Maybe do the Jo Frost thing and come up with house rules (don't waste food, no shouting or hitting etc) as a family. I think he should speak to her, apologise for scaring her and give her a cuddle.
My dad was a shouter and it used to scare the sh1t out of me. I still hate it now. Awful.

Original poster
HarryDan · 10/01/2011 22:44

Sure she was being naughty Mutz, I can see that.

Really appreciate these comments, and am taking on board both those who agree with what I did and those who don't.

Obviously don't want her to feel she can play us against each other, and realise I could have definitely handled the situation better myself.

OP posts:
edam · 10/01/2011 22:44

Your dd is six, of course she acts up. What's your dh's excuse for HIS bad behaviour?

Screaming at her, losing it, is not on. He's far bigger and stronger and more powerful than her, it must have been terrifying. You were quite right to intervene. If he, a grown adult, cannot control himself, why on earth does he think a 6yo should be capable of being Little Miss Perfect?

Do you think dh realises he was wrong? If he regrets causing this scene and frightening your dd, then fine, he can apologise and work out a way to deal with frustration without terrifying his own small children.

If he tries to justify himself, or blame you, then you have to think very carefully about where to go from there.

Btw, I am very far from perfect myself. Difference is when I've stuffed up, I realise, and I apologise.

3littlefrogs · 10/01/2011 22:46

Personally - I wouldn't tolerate that behaviour from a 6 yr old. It would have stopped at the point the salt was poured over the food despite being told not to.

It must be frustrating in the extreme to be trying to disipline your child and be undermined by the other parent abdicating responsibility. Instead of discussing this with you, your dh then expresses his rage and frustration by screaming at the child.Totally wrong,inapproriate and unacceptable, but, IMO, understandable.

This situation needs sorting out asap.

Original poster
HarryDan · 10/01/2011 22:46

Ingles, do you really think her behaviour was shocking?

I get that it was naughty, and disrespectful..but I wasn't shocked by it. She's six..she should know better, but sometimes she will test us.

OP posts:
celebmum · 10/01/2011 22:46

I don't think you need parenting classes Harrydan, it seems to be that you reacted instinctivly and removed your child from a potentially harmful situation.

I assume that your DD is not the only 6yr old who plays up like this occasionaly. she is obviously pushing the boundries and seeing how far she can push (on this occasion H).. I think your H has seriously over reacted over a megre childs meal.. sorry but he could have handled the situation better IMO and heeds reminding that he he dealing with a child, not a teenager!! (not that i recommend shouting at teens either TBH!)

dittany · 10/01/2011 22:47

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

elliott · 10/01/2011 22:49

those of you who say 'get some parenting classes' - do you know where you would go to get them? Genuine question - I've never seen anything on offer like that and would dearly love to be able to access some proper support and advice instead of trying to cobble it all together with the help of MN and Amazon!
Sorry for hijack.
I think OP and her DH need a proper strategy to deal with DD as she clearly doesn't have enforced boundaries. I sympathise as I have the same issue with my 7 year old ds (and we have both lost it with him big time too) - you really need a planned and proactive strategy that you both sign up to - once you know what you are going to do in response to behaviour, it is easier to keep your temper.
Chalk this one up to experience and focus on jointly solving your DD's behaviour issues, not on blaming each other.

Original poster
HarryDan · 10/01/2011 22:51

Agree with you agreeing with me (!) Celebmum..

Dittany..he's not a bully (IMO) but was acting like one in that instance if that makes sense?

I should have stayed at the table, you're right, but didn't want to undermine him. Then it escalated, and I felt I had no choice to intervene. Perhaps, as people have said, I could have done that more diplomatically though.

Although I was outwardly calm, I was inwardly seething Angry and shocked Shock at his reaction to her.

OP posts:
dittany · 10/01/2011 22:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

elliott · 10/01/2011 22:53

btw I don't think this was anything to do with a 'food issue' - it was deliberate pushing of boundaries. She sounds like she is used to ignoring what you ask her to do and you need strategies to follow through so that she knows you mean what you say.

charliesmommy · 10/01/2011 22:53

To prevent a repeat of this, it will be easier not to have the salt on the table in future.

Kids do not need any salt on their food.

Original poster
HarryDan · 10/01/2011 22:53

Thanks Elliot, that is a really helpful/supportive post.

I know I can get parenting classes at my local children's centre (thats if they still have funding). I actually did some when she was a baby, but the issues we are facing are obviously very different now! Its a shame we can't do them together, but DHs work wouldn't allow for that unfortunately.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 10/01/2011 22:54

I think you both handled it badly, for the reasons already covered by other posters. What you need to concentrate on now is how you handle it in future.

You need to present a united front, you must not allow your DD to play one against the other. I would suggest that at the start of misbehaviour she is sent/taken to her room and told to come back when she is prepared to behave better. She can't provoke if she's not there.

You and your husband need to talk and agree your future strategy together.

NoWayNoHow · 10/01/2011 22:54

I'm not certain you did the right thing, IMHO. Sorry!

I've had the same situaiton with my DH, I've seen him get really cross with our DS (I don't blame him, DS is 3 and completely infuriating sometimes) - however, in those situations, I've gone over to DS, re-iterated the point that his Daddy was trying to make, but in a calmer way. Only once I've dealt with DS do I THEN take DH aside and speak to him and let him know that I thought he crossed the like.

Undermining him divides you as a team, and you know the old saying: "divide and conquer". I fear your DD will now play you off against each other, ESPECIALLY as you apologised on his behalf (undermining bad, but sorry to say that's much, much worse).

I can see you DH's point of view, I'm afraid. Just try to speak to him when he gets home and have an adult conversation about what happened and what you both did wrong.

I would also speak to your DD in the morning and explain that her behaviour was completely unacceptable.

Booandpops · 10/01/2011 22:55

Celebmum. Agree!!!! it's a mothers instinct to protect her child.

A grown man bellowing at a child is unacceptable even if naughty behaviour is taking place. IMO behaviour the dd demonstrated hardly deserves that. Sending to her room yes Screaming uncontrollably no!!!

3littlefrogs · 10/01/2011 22:55

I don't think this was a struggle over food. I think this was 6 yr old escalating naughty behaviour, ignoring dad and seeing how far she could push it, whilst realising that mum APPEARS to be encouraging the behaviour by walking away.

She is playing one off against the other and I worry about how far things will escalate.

Original poster
HarryDan · 10/01/2011 22:55

Agreed about kids having it Charlies mum - I don't use it in cooking (or if so, rarely) but DH has it on his food. But think she should be able to leave it, if told to, at six years old.

OP posts:
Spero · 10/01/2011 22:55

The only parenting classes I have ever heard of are for parents who are running risk of children being taken into care. My daughter's old school used to have 'confident child' classes - at 11am so bugger all use if you were working.

I don't think there can be that much out there for parenting per se. But maybe relationship counselling to help you work better together as a team?

I agree he should not have shouted at her, but from his perspective, you seem to go out of your way to undermine him and teach your child how to play each of you off against the other.

dittany · 10/01/2011 22:56

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mutznutz · 10/01/2011 22:56

What is her behaviour like at school? Does she ignore the teacher and disobey or is she well behaved there?

3littlefrogs · 10/01/2011 22:57

Nobody should have ended up screaming. It was avoidable.

Sothisishowwedoitnow · 10/01/2011 22:57

Sorry, but I don't agree with this United Front At All Costs thing at all. He sounds like he was out of control. Like f*ck would I condone that and let my dc think I was with him on it. How many threads have been on here where it has been said that the parent who stood by and let it happen is just as bad? I wouldn't jump in immediately but i could not let my dh do that and let my dc think I wouldnt protect them.

dittany · 10/01/2011 22:57

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mutznutz · 10/01/2011 22:58

He wasn't bullying her for goodness sake, he was shouting at her for being ignorant and down right disobediant. I'm not saying he didn't take it too far but it's certainly not bullying for goodness sake.

Some kids do need a raised voice especially if you don't believe in smacking them...though as I say, screaming is a step too far.