to have removed DD when H was shouting at her?

[HarryDan]

DD is six, and can be provocative/challenging in her behaviour - deliberately will full, if you will.

At dinner she poured (quite alot) of salt over her food, even when asked not to. Dh snapped at her then told her not to eat it, she then dipped food in it and continued eating (i.e, ignored him).

I know how frustrating it is to be ignored by children, but he began shouting at her. I asked him to leave it, but he continued, so I left the room as I didn't agree with him, but didn't want to undermine him. He wasn't continuously shouting, but his voice was raised.

I went upstairs and heard him tell her to finish her dinner - she then went behind his back (while he was loading the dishwasher) and threw most of her dinner in the bin. The entire thing wasn't covered in salt, so it was perfectly edible, and we don't really take kindly to wasting food.

DH lost the plot and began screaming at her, really loosing his temper & at this point I felt he was taking it too far, came back in the room and intervened. I took her out of the room, and told him that he was being a bully, and that he shouldn't scream at anyone like that. You wouldn't scream at your family or colleagues like that, so it's not OK to scream at a six year old like that :(

He told me to fuck off, I was very calm and took her upstairs and told her that although she must listen to him (re: food etc) its not OK for anyone to shout at her like that. She was really upset (which she can play up when getting told off, as all children do) and DD1 was also in tears. I could see they were both frightened.

DH has gone out - I assume not talking to me, and is obviously vexed that I undermined him as he feels she doesn't respect him,

My question is, did I do the right thing?

Presuming he's normally a good sane father who just lost it under pressure I don't think it's fair to say he's a bully. We all crack at some point, we all end apologising. A bully is to me someone who both indulges in bullying behavior on a regular basis and who aims to intimidate. If he does those things then yes he's a bully.

I have a rule we my dh, however much we disagree we NEVER show our disagreement to the children, we have it out after. If necessary I ask to talk to him outside the room (happened maybe 2/ 3 times I've intervened like this). To the kids we are a team and we never disagree. I've asked him to follow me out a room before, but not in a way so the kids catch on why. We wait until the eve to have our disagreements! discussions on compromising on our parenting styles. Maybe you need to at least appear more united to dd, even if later you disagree. Don't apologise for him, but when he's calm explain to him later why you'd like him to speak to her about the incident and discuss how they could both have handled it better. Any decent man would be willing to do this.

I will quality though by saying it's mainly at a petty level, stuff like I don't care how messy the kids eat whereas he's a neat freak who is bugged even if I clean up.

Can I just suggest that next time dd picks up the salt (or similar) you just say, "Goodness, that's a bit silly, isn't it?" Grin and take it away and then carry on eating as if nothing has happened. If she picks it up and pours it again, say, "Well, you have clearly gone quite quite mad. I think you'd better pop upstairs to your room until the sillies have gone." And then ignore again.

Don't turn these tiny things into big issues of "pushing boundaries" "conttol" "naughtiness" etc.

hully, you sound like me

No you did not do the right thing.
You have admitted your child is a wind up merchant, she was being stupid and your DH had the right to tell her off, shouting at her was not the worst thing in the world.

Poor man,

I just can't see any need for all this carry on, exhausting and miserable for all concerned.

I think it's quite funny that so many people are saying the DH is bulling, unacceptable, should never shout. Mums post all the time about losing it, shouting, even smacking their children and usually receive some sympathy and a bit of advice about how not to smack next time, not an inquisition and told they are essentially bullies.

Parents are human, not robots, and not all issues in families can be sorted out in a calm nice voice. Even usually nice and reasonable Dads can get pushed to the limits, and just lose it, and I actually would have picked up the child and removed her and said firmly to him 'calm down' in that situation. Just as my husband calls me if he can see I'm really getting beyond it temper-wise, which goes happen from time to time, you know, with me being a human and everything.

However, the OP was absolutely wrong to give the message that the Dad had something to apologise for, it's up to him whether he feels he has and wishes to apologise. And the dd should have been punished for misbehaving at the table, even if it was just to go to her room for 10 min.

If I'm shouting because my dd1 has gone too far, I don't expect the spotlight to fall on me to justify my shouting. I expect my shouting to signal just how annoying and naughty the child is and for the other parent to back me (whilst helping me calm down). Being undermined is just not on, especially as she was breaking your family rules in the first place.

And in my house, salt is for adults and not for children, full stop. I just don't see why I should not have salt or drink wine because my children are little and I can't say it's a big issue.

Can I just suggest that next time dd picks up the salt (or similar) you just say, "Goodness, that's a bit silly, isn't it?" Grin and take it away and then carry on eating as if nothing has happened. If she picks it up and pours it again, say, "Well, you have clearly gone quite quite mad. I think you'd better pop upstairs to your room until the sillies have gone." And then ignore again

What's wrong with a good firm *NO??

Honestly, what with not smacking children, not shouting at them and now avoiding the word NO...give it a few more years and they'll be telling us off and timing us out

No wonder Secondary school teachers have such a hard time controlling a lot of the teenagers.

Could always make her eat salt till she is sick, bet that would stop her being stupid with it

mutznutz - you can do "no" if it works for you, of course.

I find that having a laugh is much more effective. If I say "no" it immediately sets up a power dynamic situation which can quickly escalate into "defiance" "naughtiness" etc. I can't be doing with all that. The important thing is that the behaviour stops and everyone's happy. They don't do it again, but you haven't had to have an unplesant fight.

I was joking!!!!!!

unpleasant

Not you TRW! I was correcting my spelling..

Oh come on, dittany. She even put a grinning face on the end.

I get your point Hully but if I suggested to my kids they pop up to their room 'until the sillies' have gone...they'd be straight back down a minute later claiming they had Lol.

I think "No, don't do that because" is a good way to start and then if they disobey...a good strong "NO" will work for mine.

Oh well, each to their own. It works for us.

Theres always one.