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AIBU?

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Original poster

That angry Dad shouts at me in church?

136 replies

verysomething · 09/01/2011 19:46

I'm a regular, he was a drop-in for a christening... and his 2 DS's (5 and 3) were making an almighty noise behind me, kicking my pew and hitting me in the head with their toys. It's a big church (could seat 500) and there were no more than 70 people there, so there's lots of room to move and take fractious DC's up the back.

Normally I would never have said anything, it's so hard for DC's to sit still we all understand that, and I wish I hadn't now. But the volume level got so high, I mean REALLY loud, and Dad wouldn't shush them at all, and everyone was kind of distracted by it. I turned around and said in what I thought was my most gently and smiley and (so I thought) anglican voice "hey, shh shh, little ones - this is a church!"

Dad tore strips off me, said "don't you dare tell off my children! Nobody but me has the right to do that! You talk to me, not my children!"

I didn't realise what I said was so bad. My point is that I thought I had said something in a gentle, caring, non-judgmental way... but obviously he saw it as a criticism of his parenting Sad. I was in tears and am still really upset.

Mea culpa, am ready to be flamed for being so out of touch with how we act in public now Sad

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 09/01/2011 19:47

Was he embarrassed?

Either way, you did nothing wrong

Horrid to be shouted at

bibbitybobbityhat · 09/01/2011 19:47

Unbelievable!

charliesmommy · 09/01/2011 19:49

I doubt he would have been any more pleasant if you had spoken to him.. he just sounds like a total tosser...

Did nobody else say anything to him after that behaviour?

pranma · 09/01/2011 19:49

yanbu at all he acted prattishly no wonder his dc are badly behaved.

nomoreheels · 09/01/2011 19:49

I don't think you did anything wrong. He sounds like a prat if he wasn't even trying to settle them though, so not terribly surprised by his reaction to you.

coldtits · 09/01/2011 19:49

Tosser.

No really, utter tosser.

My reaction would have been utter shame that a stranger had had to parent my children for me because I was being inadequate. His reaction should have been shamed and apologetic.

Animation · 09/01/2011 19:50

What an arse.

Think you should have walled him up after that.

SkyBluePearl · 09/01/2011 19:51

He was way out of order and maybe you touched a raw nerve as he obiously can't control his kids.

They were hitting youin the head??!! Not acceptable.

DullWomenHaveImmaculateHomes · 09/01/2011 19:52

He behaved appallingly. I feel sorry for his DCs; not much of a role model.

MrsCrafty · 09/01/2011 19:52

Absolutely not. Their problem, not yours. I go bonkers if my children start mucking about in church (they don't go all of the time) but I take a load of sweets to bribe them.

If it's unfair on a child to have to sit reasonably quietly for 40 minutes once or twice a month with their parents and we, as a society cannot provide that, well all I can say is that we failed.

maktaitai · 09/01/2011 19:52

It is such a clash, this, and the split doesn't always lie where you expect. In the church I used to go to there were about four different approaches to children making noise in church, which was pretty impressive as there was a maximum of four families with young children in there on any Sunday. Since all the people without children also had an opinion on the matter (again, not always the one you'd expect) it did make for a rather tense atmosphere.

TBH I would just grin and bear it and read a magazine the prayer book/Bible/notice sheet until the end of the service. I don't think you were wrong though.

charliesmommy · 09/01/2011 19:53

He wont have any shame.. this is the sort of waste of space who thinks the only interesting bit of the christening is getting to the pub and getting shit faced for the rest of the day while someone else, (or nobody), keeps an eye on his kids.. who will grow up thinking that their dads' behaviour is how they should behave..

We live in a society full of people who have no idea how to behave decently and with manners or consideration for others.

Lonnie · 09/01/2011 19:53

well his kids are going to learn all about how to behave nicely are they not Confused

YANBU and frankly I cant stand people like that if you dont teach responsibility to your kids how will they learn to be responsible adults?

maktaitai · 09/01/2011 19:53

sorry, I missed the head hitting bit Blush - cancel my last post. He does sound as if he has the emotional responses of a 17-year-old.

BendyBob · 09/01/2011 19:54

You didn't do anything wrong imo. Gosh poor youSad. Too many people now willing to default to angry confrontation at the slightest opportunity. And in a church tooHmm

activate · 09/01/2011 19:54

some people think the world revolves around him

sorry it upset you - there are many parents who believe you aren't allowed to talk to their kids

he should have taken them out and calmed them down and come back and sat at the back

he was rude and unreasonable

RevoltingPeasant · 09/01/2011 19:55

Wow, I am not religious but, er, Christian charity??? You'd think if he were in a church he'd have some sense of the non-judgementalism you are talking about.

YANBU at all, but it is horrid to be shouted at. I think nice people like us you often deal with that nasty feeling by trying to make it about us - like, what did I do wrong? - so we can 'fix' it by deciding to do something different next time.

You should have done what you did and should do it again.

Out of interest what did you say to him? Did anyone stick up for you?

petratsdontsmell · 09/01/2011 19:57

Poor you. What a horrible aggressive man. You did nothing wrong at all. Try not to give it another thought.

But pity poor me....I did the same thing a year ago in our church and asked kid behing to be quiet- she was 8 years old and I'd already moved once to get away from her (and for some odd reason her and her mum moved too!!). Both the mum and kid walked out of the church. As you can imagine, I felt awful and very guilty.

tigitigi · 09/01/2011 19:57

YANBU we always sit at the back away from others when we take ours to church. they are pretty good but at 2 and 4 the little one can make a bit of noise. If they get too bad one of us will take them out. I have no problem with others saying the sort of thing you did (though have never let it become necessary iyswim). Horrible man who, unfortunately, will probably teach his children to grow into horrible adults.

charliesmommy · 09/01/2011 19:58

"You'd think if he were in a church he'd have some sense of the non-judgementalism you are talking about"

Nope, not when it is someone who is just there for the christening and has zero respect for the church, or anyone else around them.

QuintessentialShadows · 09/01/2011 19:58

Shame.

I would not have the guts to stand up for myself. I would just have moved to other seats.

SmethwickBelle · 09/01/2011 19:59

I don't think you did anything wrong, by the sound of it you were thinking of the majority of other people in the building not just doing it because it annoyed you personally.

Even if these children and their dad were especially involved in the christening, it was a reasonable request, made uber politely.

He was boorish at the very least.

Bumperlicious · 09/01/2011 19:59

I think it is good for children to learn to take directions off someone other than their parents. They have to learn that other people exist in the world. I wonder how that dad copes with his children's teachers?

JamieLeeCurtis · 09/01/2011 20:00

You did nothing wrong

He was probably embarrassed that it took someone else to discipline, his children., and reacted in a very childish way - lashing out at you.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 09/01/2011 20:04

what did you say when he finished shouting at you? you did make it clear that he was totally out of line and should remember that it is also up to him to discipline hsi children so that they don't hurt or inconvenience others especially at worship. didn't you?