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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That angry Dad shouts at me in church?

136 replies

verysomething · 09/01/2011 19:46

I'm a regular, he was a drop-in for a christening... and his 2 DS's (5 and 3) were making an almighty noise behind me, kicking my pew and hitting me in the head with their toys. It's a big church (could seat 500) and there were no more than 70 people there, so there's lots of room to move and take fractious DC's up the back.

Normally I would never have said anything, it's so hard for DC's to sit still we all understand that, and I wish I hadn't now. But the volume level got so high, I mean REALLY loud, and Dad wouldn't shush them at all, and everyone was kind of distracted by it. I turned around and said in what I thought was my most gently and smiley and (so I thought) anglican voice "hey, shh shh, little ones - this is a church!"

Dad tore strips off me, said "don't you dare tell off my children! Nobody but me has the right to do that! You talk to me, not my children!"

I didn't realise what I said was so bad. My point is that I thought I had said something in a gentle, caring, non-judgmental way... but obviously he saw it as a criticism of his parenting Sad. I was in tears and am still really upset.

Mea culpa, am ready to be flamed for being so out of touch with how we act in public now Sad

OP posts:
BeerTricksPotter · 09/01/2011 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Janos · 09/01/2011 20:06

YANBU at all I'm not surprised you were upset. What an unpleasant man.

theevildead2 · 09/01/2011 20:06

He was a wanker. If he wern't a wanker he'd have cared that his children were ruining someone's christening.

He was always going to respond that way. YANBU to be upset by it though or to have said something

mathanxiety · 09/01/2011 20:07

He only yelled at you because he knew he was in the wrong, but he liked the attention the noisy children were getting or he wouldn't have let his children keep on misbehaving right behind you. In telling them off you also told him off, therefore, for his bad behaviour and attitude. You had the horrible misfortune to sit near a very immature, passive aggressive man with a bee in his bonnet and possibly a hangover

GrimmaTheNome · 09/01/2011 20:15

YANBU. I was thinking much what Bumper said - if that's the Dad's attitude, he'll be a nightmare parent when his kids are at school.

I can't imagine that his attitude would have been any better if you had talked to him instead of his kids directly though.

ShoppingDays · 09/01/2011 20:16

If there's an adult there then I do think it's better to speak to them rather than directly to the children. Otherwise it could be seen as patronising (and that's probably why he got angry). If he's not a churchgoer he probably can't distinguish between "polite Anglican" and "snooty judgemental person".

But he was very unreasonable to bite your head off.

ShoppingDays · 09/01/2011 20:16

(patronising to him I mean)

Original poster
verysomething · 09/01/2011 20:18

Bumperlicious - That's exactly it, I thought it was okay... I shushed them gently and gave a wry "it's tough, isn't it?" smile to the dad, but I must be wrong... Is it really that unacceptable to intervene when other's DC's are acting up? I was so very, very embarrassed, he shouted at me so loudly that everyone must've thought I was an ogre Sad. I'm not, honestly!

JLC The dad didn't look very embarrassed to me. He was just so outraged. It humiliated me in front of a lot of my friends and feel so ashamed to have been the cause of this.

OP posts:
AlistairSim · 09/01/2011 20:18

You should have drowned the rude fucker in the font.

TheMonster · 09/01/2011 20:18

YANBU.
Perhaps you should have moved though.

allnightlong · 09/01/2011 20:18

He was out of order but you could have addressed the father rather than being passive aggressive towards the children. After all he was the one out of order for not controlling them.

JamieLeeCurtis · 09/01/2011 20:20

very - yes, but some people externalise all negative emotions and express them as anger and aggression.

allnightlong · 09/01/2011 20:21

What on earth is an 'anglican voice'? Confused

JamieLeeCurtis · 09/01/2011 20:21

In other words, he's twat and you were not wrong. it was OK to do what you did. Him being angry does not make what you did wrong. It makes him someone who doesn't know how to behave

JamieLeeCurtis · 09/01/2011 20:22

Is an Anglican voice like a Joyce Grenfell voice? Grin

RevoltingPeasant · 09/01/2011 20:23

charliesmommy

Surely the christening thing makes it even worse? I am not a Xian but afaik, that is a big deal for the family concerned, so his kids were presumably interrupting something special as well as annoying the OP.

ShoppingDays · 09/01/2011 20:24

There's an AIBU thread about this, isn't there? Why people address children instead of their parents? "AIBU to detest people saying things "to" children..."

EdgarAleNPie · 09/01/2011 20:25

Charles....
Don't do thet

:)

Original poster
verysomething · 09/01/2011 20:25

allnightlong - that's what I don't understand, why can't I talk to other people's DC's?

That's what I don't understand, WHY is that so wrong if I'm being nice?

OP posts:
EdgarAleNPie · 09/01/2011 20:27
EdgarAleNPie · 09/01/2011 20:29

..you cannot choose to blow at Edgar :)

fateful words.

Spinkle · 09/01/2011 20:29

Ah well, best stay of a church then. Seemples.

RevoltingPeasant · 09/01/2011 20:30

Shopping, but surely that was about when you actually want to tell the parents something but talk, passive-aggressively, to the DCs instead? Like, 'Do you know why your mummy doesn't come to see grandma more often?'

The OP was talking to the children about their behaviour. I agree she could've talked to the dad but don't think it's the same.

allnightlong · 09/01/2011 20:30

I'm not saying you can't only that when people do your likely to get the response you got.
The whole 'it takes a villiage to raise a child' thing is no longer accepted now a days by many.

The fact is the FATHERS behaviour was what was annoying you, it was him not telling them to shush and his ignoring his childrens behaviour that meant you were getting upset (rightly imo I do believe you were in the right) yet you admonished the children rather than address it to him. Thats a bit cowardly the children were easier to tell off than their father.

goingmadinthecountry · 09/01/2011 20:31

I must admit that I find people who speak to my children in a "sympathetic" tone hugely patronising and it winds me up beyond belief. I wouldn't have done what you did tbh - would have tutted loudly and moved obviously. That said, I always make sure my children behave well or I move them (actually, they are big now but would have....) but sorry, I would have thought smug churchy lady being patronising. And my dad's a vicar.