Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That angry Dad shouts at me in church?

136 replies

verysomething · 09/01/2011 19:46

I'm a regular, he was a drop-in for a christening... and his 2 DS's (5 and 3) were making an almighty noise behind me, kicking my pew and hitting me in the head with their toys. It's a big church (could seat 500) and there were no more than 70 people there, so there's lots of room to move and take fractious DC's up the back.

Normally I would never have said anything, it's so hard for DC's to sit still we all understand that, and I wish I hadn't now. But the volume level got so high, I mean REALLY loud, and Dad wouldn't shush them at all, and everyone was kind of distracted by it. I turned around and said in what I thought was my most gently and smiley and (so I thought) anglican voice "hey, shh shh, little ones - this is a church!"

Dad tore strips off me, said "don't you dare tell off my children! Nobody but me has the right to do that! You talk to me, not my children!"

I didn't realise what I said was so bad. My point is that I thought I had said something in a gentle, caring, non-judgmental way... but obviously he saw it as a criticism of his parenting Sad. I was in tears and am still really upset.

Mea culpa, am ready to be flamed for being so out of touch with how we act in public now Sad

OP posts:
niceday · 09/01/2011 20:32

Don't waste your thoughts on it anymore. Talk to him or his Dcs - you'd get the same reaction. Just cheer yourself up, you'll probably never meet him again unless he'll get more dc

Original poster
verysomething · 09/01/2011 20:32

Edgar PMSL, loves me some Joycey

For the record, and for those who want to know what I mean by being nice and Anglican, I am Sweetly Pretty. I am a MIL's dream. So there Grin

allnightlong - but HOW is it passive aggressive to talk to the DC's??? Surely that's active-aggressive or something?

OP posts:
flyingvisit · 09/01/2011 20:34

I dont think id be too impressed if someone turned around and shooshed my kids

wouldnt shout at you though

niceday · 09/01/2011 20:37

Or right, I see, of course you should have talked to the dad. Either the very same words you said to the children or "sir, for heaven's sake, can you please get your bloody stupid children to behave! Thank you"

theevildead2 · 09/01/2011 20:39

Flying but would you have allowed your children to behave in that way in the first place? Because unless you would behave in the same way the OP would probably not have been nervous to speak to you.

Original poster
verysomething · 09/01/2011 20:39

but flyingvisit, that's just it... WHY is it so wrong for someone else to shush your kids? If (and ONLY if) they really are mucking up, not ordinary kids behaviour... and of course no-one has the right to shout at your children, just a gentle shooshing Blush

OP posts:
southeastastra · 09/01/2011 20:39

this op does sound like a daily mail article after the library thread

Fifidedeal · 09/01/2011 20:39

They hit her on then the head FFS! That is way way beyond a shush IMO!

flyingvisit · 09/01/2011 20:41

No i wouldnt let mie behave like that.

you have no idea whats going on behind you though (unless you kept looking back). maybe the poor guy was trying his hardest.

As a regular, i would have taken it on the chin, especially knowing he was only in the once.

abdnhiker · 09/01/2011 20:41

I appreciate the help I get with my kids in church - someone leaned over and (nicely) told DS1 to get up and stop rolling around on the floor in the pew today because he was distracting the other kids (he was too far away from me and I had two other kids singing from the hymn book I was holding). Church is supposed to be a community. My kids rambunctious behaviour is permitted because I try my best to keep them from distracting others and in turn other people help make my kids feel welcome and participate...

flyingvisit · 09/01/2011 20:43

I dont think he was is the right at all btw but people can be quite defensive when their kids are criticised by strangers.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 09/01/2011 20:44

YANBU. And I don't understand why it is such a crime to talk to the children. If someone shushed my children, I'd be embarassed that I hadn't intervened sooner and I'm sure the effect of a stranger asking them to be quiet would be greater than me telling them.

It seems there are two standards operating these days- on the one hand, we should listen to children, and treat them as individual little people, but on the other hand if we have any issues with their behaviour we need to talk to their "keepers"? Confused

flyingvisit · 09/01/2011 20:45

Was church on when he shouted? Im surprised anyone could hear a pin drop after that.

Original poster
verysomething · 09/01/2011 20:46

southeastastra Daily Mail?? You take that back! I am a Guardianista and fecking PROUD. Harrumph.

I just don't understand this "you cannot speak to the guilty party (the DC), only his attorney" attitude. It really shocked me as I thought it takes a village, etc. etc, and that would apply in church more that anywhere [sad}

OP posts:
Original poster
verysomething · 09/01/2011 20:46

that should've been Sad

OP posts:
allnightlong · 09/01/2011 20:46

Very I explained HOW in my last post I suggest you re-read.

Here is what the Urban Dictonary says on Passive aggresive: A defense mechanism that allows people who aren't comfortable being openly aggressive get what they want under the guise of still trying to please others. They want their way, but they also want everyone to still like them.

Lets be honest you really wanted to tell the father to make his kids STFU and behave or leave the church. Wink

Original poster
verysomething · 09/01/2011 20:47

but also Confused

OP posts:
siouxsienusude · 09/01/2011 20:47

You did what was righ. That Father was very agressive towards you and I wander what he was even doing in Church??
He was feeling guilty simply because he had no control over his kids, they were behaving like children from a very disfunctional home anyway, from what you discribe.
I would not be suprised if them hitting you over the head with thier toys was them immitating daddy hitting mummy over the head when he is drunk.
Dont let low life like that get to you! he should not of spoken to you like that.
The THUG!)

allnightlong · 09/01/2011 20:48

Very Just wondering do you have children?

JamieLeeCurtis · 09/01/2011 20:48

The ONLY time I would object to someone admonishing my DC would be if they did it in an aggressive or threatening way

that;s my job (har har)

allnightlong · 09/01/2011 20:51

Sioux 'I would not be suprised if them hitting you over the head with thier toys was them immitating daddy hitting mummy over the head when he is drunk.'

WTF that is one of the stupidist things I've read on MN, all children to one extent or another hit! Do you assume all children you see hitting have abused mothers? Hmm
There is absolutely nothing to suggest this crap father is abusive to the childrens mother or even bloody drunk!

scarletbegonia · 09/01/2011 20:51

I'm obviously in the minority but if the parent is with the children then I think you should speak to him and ask him to make sure the children behave rather than speak directly to the children.

His reaction to you is a separate issue imo. I'd be pissed off if you or anyone else started telling my children off if I was sat next to them.

I'm not excusing any of the behaviour of the family but not your place to reprimand children you don't know.

TheFallenMadonna · 09/01/2011 20:55

I said "excuse me" to a child who was in my way in a shop, and got a similar mouthful from his mother. Child was about 7 or 8 I reckon. I was astonished.

Original poster
verysomething · 09/01/2011 20:55

allnightlong - you are absolutely right, if I look into my heart I did want to get harrumphy with the dad

But I truly did think it was better to say words along the lines of "shh shh now boys, this is a church!" in a FRIENDLY non threatening way rather than say "sir control your devil spawn" etc etc. That would have lead to badness and even more tears (the tears were all mine unfortunately)

but you're right about the 'wanting to be liked' thing.Sad

OP posts:
abdnhiker · 09/01/2011 20:57

I'm a bit puzzled by the idea that people can't have a nice word directly with children to help them understand the behaviour that's expected of them. As I said before, my children are sometimes tapped on the shoulder etc by other people in my church when I'm not nearby (because then I'm obviously trying to control them myself - and I'm not nearly so nice about it). I think it's much more effective than if the parent is approached directly and if anything, it makes my kids feel more at home and comfortable.

Of course we can't yell at other people's children, but we can talk to them. scarletbegonia do you really feel like all comments have to go through you instead of your children? What if someone wanted to tell them they were being well behaved? And I don't think the OP was really telling them off by asking them nicely to be a bit quieter...