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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that those who moan about the cost of childcare

144 replies

3x3 · 09/01/2011 01:12

should stay at home and mind their kids themsleves?

Now i'm not talking about those who have to work to pay their mortgages etc. to survive.But those who say 'oh i don't know why i work so hard and pay so much to the creche,i only come home with ?60 a month after paying the creche'

Eh,?60 won't pay your mortgage?? So therefore you dont NEED to work so mind your own children and save ?1600 a month. Simples!!

OP posts:
MadBanners · 09/01/2011 09:42

"3x3 Sun 09-Jan-11 02:06:11
If you read my op i said i was not talking about parents who had to work to survive to live. I was talking about people who feel the need to make working people who need to work to pay the bills feel bad by stating that they dont really need to work. I'm not ignorant. I know many people have not got the choice to stay at home but just felt if you can make a statement that you ONLY come home with £60 a MONTH after paying childcare costs then maybe the answer is to mind your own kids??!!"

So...I should not work, because I do not need to, in case it makes those that do need to feel bad? Although actually I do need to, so I am clearly a worthy worker and it is ok that I neglect my kids and allow someone else to bring them up! Hmm

At the end of the day, it really is none of your business.
I work, because it means we have more money, means I am paying into my pension (which incidentally,offers security to my family should I tragically die, but also I want to retire to a hot country at 60 so meh) and also, because we have a massive outgoing for such a short period of time, childcare costs will reduce once both are in school

So we are not going round in circles are we!? Your question has been answered a few times.

You seem to be of the opinion that is someone chooses to work as opposed to staying at home with the children, they cannot loves their children as much as you do...which is a bit of a superior attitude to have.

LoopyLoopsIsNoLongerFestive · 09/01/2011 09:45

I am a SAHM, but this doesn't give me the inclination to think that I am in any way a superior parent to any (female or male) who work outside the home. Parents might work for a whole host of reasons (many set out already), and I think you need to be respectful of the decisions of others if they don't infringe on your own liberties.

Basically, I think you are trying to cause a big argument, and if this is the case I think you should think about getting on with, rather than upsetting people.
Being a SAHP doesn't make you a good parent or a nice person, as your OP shows.

tiredemma · 09/01/2011 09:47

These threads are always full of shit.

Nobody on here should be having to justify why they chose to go back to work.

If it is 3x3's first post then its obviously someone who is bored senseless (probably from being at home all day) and they are just looking for a rise.

ENormaSnob · 09/01/2011 09:58

Is it me or has there been an influx of members with low intelligence?

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 09/01/2011 10:15

not just you ENormaS.

really am going to start keeping a wall handy when MNing, makes it easier for the head banging element of these type of threads.

ilythia · 09/01/2011 10:31

You'll love me.
I have not gone back to work but back to university!
And my grant just pays my childcare fees!
So I have put my poor neglected 3 year old in full time nursery, mon to fri 8-4 just so I can study something.

OOh, aren't I evil

noodle69 · 09/01/2011 10:39

I get paid £6 an hour and roughly look after about 8 kids to myself for that. It only costs £30 a day to send your child and that includes all food, nappies, sun cream etc.

I think my wage is ok and I think nursery prices are quite cheap really for 10 hours care. I dont think you could possibly make childcare any cheaper really.

tethersend · 09/01/2011 10:44

"Need to think about things like long term career. If a women works, has a child, then does not go back to work, then they will no longer progress in their career and may find it very hard to return to it in the future. "

Aye, there's the rub. Until women can take career breaks to look after children and not be penalised when returning to work, then we will never be making a fair judgement on whether or not to return to work.

Mothers should be able to return to work because they want to, not because their career will suffer from taking off a (relatively short) amount of time.

GoldFrakkincenseAndMyrrh · 09/01/2011 10:46

Alright then. All women who have kids should stay at home and look after them.

So now my department at the university where I teach has 5 staff members to teach about 1000 students. DH's workplace has no nurses left and no lawyer. The primary school down the road is left with 2 teachers, our local bakery just lost half its staff, I don't have a midwife any more. Shall I go on?

Yes, many women work for a loss or a very small financial gain at least for a few years but the long term benefits to them and to society are very significant.

thefentiger · 09/01/2011 11:21

Interesting isnt it that paying for childcare is deemed to be the responsibility of the mother only.Do Fathers/second parent really not have any responsibility for this?

I think the OP doesnt:

Understand the need to plan ahead or look at the long term in terms of working .

Understand that there are careers as opposed to jobs

The latter can be picked up again when DC are at school -although there is greater competition now even for minimum wage jobs.

Once you are off the career path it is very difficult to go back-would you expect men to give up years of hardwork just because they had a child/children ?

Incidentally OP -have not needed to use childcare because both DH and I have very flexible jobs. I have every respect for all parents whatever choices they make.

thefentiger · 09/01/2011 11:22

Forgot to add -I love what I do Grin

judgeypantaloons · 09/01/2011 11:35

Childcare and work-related expenses account for about 72.5% of my monthly pay.

I reserve the right to whinge about that and continue to build a career for my future and that of my family.

onceamai · 09/01/2011 11:42

Think perhaps the OP needs to fast forward a few years. Children at secondary, no childcare costs, family status quo intact and no disasters along the way - just try to imagine OP how gratifying and pleasing it is having done the hard yards to turn to one of your children and say, OK, no problem, here's the cheque and slip for ski trip, cultural trip to Greece or Pompeii, etc..

No offence meant to those who have faced enormous difficulties along the way but there is no substitute for financial indpendence and the ability to take decisions without having to refer to the DH.

SkyBluePearl · 09/01/2011 11:47

penquin - the most formative years acording to research are 0 to 7 - not specifically the school years.

As mums/dads we all just have to muddle our way through these formative years. I wouldn't choose to work full time away from my kids but I respect people that do.

SkyBluePearl · 09/01/2011 11:55

I'm sure when my children are at school ONCEAMAI and I've returned to work - I'll be able to write a cheque so my children can attend a cultural trip to Pompeii!! FGS! Just beacause someone wants to look after the kids while young - doesn't mean they can't be financially independednt and have a rewarding career a few years down the road.

FabbyChic · 09/01/2011 11:58

I guess I was lucky, both my children went to a council run nursery and I paid £27 a week when the oldest went and £55 a week when the youngest went! Full time, 52 weeks a year.

BaggedandTagged · 09/01/2011 12:00

"there is no substitute for financial indpendence and the ability to take decisions without having to refer to the DH."

Why would you have to refer to the DH? Just write a cheque on the joint account/ stick it on the joint CC.

onceamai · 09/01/2011 12:02

I agree SBP - that's exactly what I did. I had 8 years at home and have been back for 7 years but I started at the bottom again and I was very lucky to be able to do so. In this climate I imagine it would be much more difficult. I also appreciate that DH and I have had a very good "run" in the last 16 years and I have had a lot of choices - things could have worked out very differently for us and our family is very very lucky that I work from choice and my earnings are not necessary for us to live.

BuzzLightBeer · 09/01/2011 12:03

you're a moron OP.

Hope that helps answer your question.

onceamai · 09/01/2011 12:07

Bagged and Tagged - because neither the DH nor I would take that sort of money out of the joint account without discussing it first if it was for a want rather than for a need.

Millenniumbug · 09/01/2011 12:33

This type of thread really hurts. We have a mortgage to pay & I am the main wage earner in our house. We need 2 wages to pay our mortgage. I would have loved to stay at home with my babies & would now like to collect them from the school gate. Unfortunately, we are not rich enough to allow me to do this, nor do we qualify for support benefits - we are just Joe Average, plodding along in the middle. If you are at home with your children, well done you, you're incredibly fortunate.

Violethill · 09/01/2011 12:42

Millenium - don't allow yourself to be hurt.

Think about it - the OP would not feel the need to start the thread if she were happy and fulfilled with her life, would she? And as I said earlier, there have been a run of these threads lately, starting with a relatively harmless post about the cost of childcare, or a query about looking for work, which then quickly degenerate into mudslinging at mums (not dads, or course!!) who work. It's far more likely to be a bored and bitter woman than a genuine poster. So don't think they are 'fortunate' - quite the opposite I think.

As you point out, you are 'Joe Average' - a normal working parent. There are millions of us out there, with happy well adjusted children, so don't feel they are missing out - they're not.

And the reality is, our children, ie the children of all of us on MN, daughters and sons, are likely to have working lives of 45 or more years ahead of them. So far better that they are raised to know first hand that their best bet is to aim for an interesting work life, rather than to be scared of the idea of earning a living, or to think its somehow incompatible with being a parent!

Millenniumbug · 09/01/2011 13:08

Thanks Violethill. I've been thinking (on a Sunday too!!) Why are us women put into all these stereotyped boxes - and by whom???
Here's what we hear/read/accept about women in the media & life everyday.

  1. If you stay single/unattached you are a horrid freak of a spinster
2.If you marry/have a partner & choose to have no chn you are a selfish DINKI
  1. If you have kids & go out to work you're an evil, heartless mother
  2. If you have kids & go back to work part time you live in 2 worlds but have the best of none
  3. If you stay at home to be with your babies you're a mindless coffee-morning/mums'n'tod gossip
  4. If you have children and are not married/live with your partner, living as a single Mum, good God, you're spawn of beealzebub & soley responsible for the entire wrongs in the world.

As a group of Mums from all walks of life, let's raise a collective finger to all those who stereotype and judge us - we should actively challenge it. Let's stand up for ourselves and not contribute to those who basically denigrate women.

OOooh, that feels better, rant over... and breathe.
Go for it Sisters!!

pommedeterre · 09/01/2011 13:32

It is shit. And read the posts from the dad further up the thread - they don't judge each other. they just get along and have a laugh. Whilst we're all busy bickering and screeching like the women on the Apprentice.
Because the people that create the judgements above? Women. About other women. Just like this thread.
Really sad.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 09/01/2011 14:21

i agree pommedeterre.

and truckulente is right. my eX is in the forces and away from home 90% of the time. i never ever heard him or his friends discussing the decision to work. they all work, they all have different reasons for it and none of them care what anyone else's reasons are. they just get on with it. no guilt or pressure from their friends.