Dealing with partner's nasty ex girlfriend.

[chloeloveshim]

Partner and I have been dating for 9 months. He moved in with my DS, 7 and myself quite quickly and AFAIC, it's going okay.
I know my partner has some issues surrounding feelings of insecurity, but most of his issues were caused by her treating him so badly for years. He also finds dealing with some situations difficult, (authority figures telling him what to do) but he's really trying to make good changes and we are working on these problems together.

One of the situations he has struggled to deal with is that of his ex girlfriend.
Partner and ex girlfriend have a 2yr old DD and tbh she is crazy!! A real loon.

She made it difficult for him to see DD, but since I met him, XGF took him back to court and agreed to let him see DD at weekends.
XGF has since behaved very oddly and I'm not sure where we go from here.
A selection of her behaviour is: Attempting to tell me he is a thief/liar/cheat. Partner has told me XGF has begged him to go back to her, so I can only assume she is trying to put me off, but it hasn't worked, I'm prepared to stick by him.
She has told me my DS probably hates him (DS adores him) and that he will only get me into lots of debt (I pay my own way, unlike herself.)
She complains Partner doesn't pay maintenance (He has not found a job that has suited him for long enough to pay) then she said he stole money from her. (Where will it end?)
Partner and I noticed DD had a few bruises on her body, her inside lip was cut, and she had a cut on her head, so we reported XGF to Social Services. They have carried out a full investigation. Partner doesn't trust them though (you hear the stories in the news of them getting it wrong) so Partner also made a report to the doctor about DD development.
Now nutty XGF wont disclose who DD's optician is, even though Partner has every right to know.
We have resorted to refusing to respond to any form of communication, unless it is through a solicitor, because of the abuse she gives us on picking up DD. (we do not have a solicitor at present due to financial constraints) and XGF solicitor has costed and closed the case.
Her abuse is mainly to tell me to keep out of it. I am just trying to support my Partner. She has led him a rough ride, and I am more than happy to help him.
I do not class myself as getting involved, I am just supporting my Partner as best as I can. (He would like full custody and I believe he is a good dad to DD) I have also written a few letters to XGF (from Partner of course, but he is terrible at letter writing), have answered his mobile when he does not want to speak to her, and we chose to put her hair in French Plaits, which Nutty XGF says is too much too young. DD looked beautiful.

I don't think XGF is a good mother. She shouts and swears in front of DD, doesn't appear to care about her very much, and smokes. (I have seen all of this with my own eyes btw).

It has got to the point now where XGF will not speak, and we do not speak to her, but it is a strain. Obviously, there are day to day things we need to know, especially when DD comes to ours, and although we have asked XGF to respect our request not to make direct verbal contact, or telephone either of us, she simply refuses to do anything. I have written to XGF, and she is being churlish and childish to refuse to reply. (Another example of how she doesn't care for DD much at all.)

How do we proceed from here? We can't afford a solicitor, but she is taking our written word to the ludicrous extreme.

What do we do to make her understand that we will not tolerate her abusiveness and total lies about Partner, and to see it is for the best for the forseeable future for Partner to see as much of DD as she does. (Partner very hurt about this.)
We have proposed to her in writing that DD lives with us for a week, then her, and hopefully that will get the ball rolling, but again, she has not responded to our request.

How do I get through to someone so stubborn and unreasonable?
I want the best possible life for her DD, and I know that is with me and my Partner.

Maybe I am just ranting, I just wondered if anyone had any words of wisdom for me and my Partner??

I don't think you need to know the cocklodger to dislike him, do you CrackFox? The OP's managed to convince me without my having the displeasure.

HerBeatitude, I can see with my own eyes how much DP adores DD. He is fantastic with her.
XGF can communicate through her own solicitor, Surely, she need only apply for funding? As for evidence of neglect, My DS does not get bruises or cuts anywhere near as frequently as DD. I have seen the shabby clothes and injuries myself. Surely it is neglect to be screaming at me infront of DD? Would you have that for your child?

coldtits, We do not want DD to return home with things we have bought, because A, we would probably never see them again, B, We bought them and C, Maybe if XGF has to supply these things, it will mean she spends something on her DD rather than on gambling and cigarettes. Let's face it, XGF gets money from tax credits specifically to provide for DD. We, on the other hand, do not. DD is at risk from never being watched by XGF, which is how she came to sustain injuries. She has had nappy rash, cuts inside her mouth, bruises on her back and a deep cut on her head. She is also left to go outside with no footwear on, as well as DP having seen photos XGF has on her phone of DD with a cigarette in her mouth. Just as well it wasn't lit, or we would have taken DD that day and not returned her.

Pantofino, I have a healthy level of self respect, and would not class myself as a victim. My XP was awful and abusive, he was verbally abusive so I think I know what to look for, DP is not verbally abusive to anyone, even XGF.

ScottishMummy, My DS has not had any contact with his father for a while, he is a bit of a loser, and in fact he doesn't pay any maintenance and I manage fine, but then I work. (My XP is a loser and it's not because he doesn't pay maintenance.)
Maintenance will be sorted by CSA. Besides, nutty XGF told DP (I was there) that she didn't report him to CSA to get any money to support DD, but instead to make sure he 'feels like a fugitive on the run for the next 16 years'. And that's normal behaviour?

ex-gf leave country is bit radical.she not done anything wrong.why should she suffer upheaval and new country

I've changed my mind after reading your post mamatomany.

On second reading, he sounds like a super role model for a growing boy. I expect the reason he can't get a job is because no-one has recognised his extra special talents. No doubt he is a troubled and misunderstood rebel, who is sticking it to the MAN. I'm sure he's not at all a feckless, idle tosser who can't hold down an job.

So he doesn't support his DD? Well his exgirlfriend is clearly a loony, money grabbing witch. How dare she even raise the subject. Doesn't she realise money isn't important?

Also, OP is a caring, loving, nurturing earth mother and certainly isn't a gullible, interfering desperate-for-a-man saddo and will make a wonderful step-mummy.

chloe you have two men who dont pay maintenance in your life.can you see you may have a penchant for bad lads (for want of a better phrase)

why do you replicate mistakes?why chose another avoidant dad

He may well be a feckless idol tosser but children aren't pay per view as again has been stated many many times on mumsnet.

I agree but the law doesn't work that way does it as we all know.

"We do not want DD to return home with things we have bought, because A, we would probably never see them again, B, We bought them"

So, your care for the child stops there then, does it?

"we would have taken DD that day and not returned her."

It's that "we" again. When will you get it into your head that there is no "we"? that you have neither rights over nor claim to that child? That you are not her mother?

You sound like a very naive, single-minded individual to me.

My children have all had nappy rash, bruises, cuts, and one went to A and E after falling off a chair and nearly losing an eye. This proves nothing other than children have accidents.

Chloe - does your "DP" (frankly you don't know him long enough, call me old fashioned) have any friends?

Does he smoke?

What sort of job is he after? Why are his own needs more important than getting any job and providing for his child?

You have already admitted you have a bad track record regarding relationships so why haven't you learned from your previous mistakes? Moving a man in, that you hardly know, is fucking stupid.

Wow what a thread. And what a mess. If it's real that is

I'm not. There are too many living, breathing kids in families like this. Far prefer a windup, myself.

I have never, ever called troll on MN in several years of membership. I hate it when people do that on threads that have a scrap of potential to be real. But c'mon, this is too carefully constructed as a pastiche to be anything but. People this self-deceptive exist, but they don't carefully expose it quite so blatantly obviously from the very start.

Isn't this a plotline from shameless? I call bllsht. Nobody could be this stupid.

mtm - are you reading the same thread as everybody else?

If this is not a wind up then him not paying maintenance is the least of his faults, really. And that's saying something.

Chloe - do the world a favour and make sure you are using contraceptives as you do not want to have children with this jerk.

Chloe, you got out of one abusive relationship and yet you were so quick to move this man in. He's not your Ex (I'm sure he plays this card often), but he is abusing you financially (you pay, he stays) and emotionally (he has dragged you into the game that he is playing with his ex by getting you to communicate with her in any way). He is also using his daughter to facilitate his using of you.

If his EX is such a loon and he is such a devoted dad, why didn't he take his DD with him when he went?

Even if his Ex is a loony, his family know him sooo much better than you and they have distanced themselves from him. He is a loser and he is using you, your son and his daughter. He'll be off when a better prospect comes along and you will be the Ex from hell.

chloe, please read back your OP and pretend it was written by someone else. You are being taken in by this guy, hook, line and sinker.

I'm hoping this thread is a wind up because it's just sooo fucking nasty.

I'm a step-mum (3 yrs long enough to be called that) and it's threads like this that really upset me because people always seem to think badly of the step parent in any case.

If it's true op then you need to wake up and smell the coffee. The child is NOT your's. She is not a possession that can be just passed around and you 'd' p's ex has every tight to be fucking angry with you because you sound like a right spiteful cow.

If it's a wind-up then grow up and fuck off.

every right

< starts countdown to when this lovely "DP" comes on to thread to call us all evil, frigid bitches >

chloe dp will show up when he finds bajo and comfy chair on the porch and a fag

Anyfucker, you say that like we aren't.